Joe Samalin explains how his male privilege allows him to choose to ignore the reality of street harassment, simply because he can.
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During a sexual violence prevention training with 40 enlisted air force men (‘airmen’), one young white man stood up and said that he had never thought about this issue before, until early one morning during a deployment overseas a few years ago. As he awoke and poked his head out of his tent he happened to see a friend, a female airman (females are ‘airmen’ too), walking by at a fast clip, her head down. He wished her good morning, but she ignored him. He called out louder, and a third time, with no response. He then ran out of his tent and caught up to her, asking why she hadn’t responded.
She seemed startled and he asked her if everything was ok. She told him that she was on her way to the chow hall for breakfast, and she hated the walk. It was a long one from her tent, and she got through it by keeping her head down and muscling through as best she could. He was 110% stumped about what she meant. Rather than explain, she told him to walk with her, and he agreed.
As he described that walk to the chow hall you could see he was viscerally reliving the experience. He said he didn’t know what to expect, what the issue was. And yet as they walked, he became aware of a strange sensation. At first he couldn’t put his finger on it but it grew, and eventually he knew exactly what it was. It was the feeling of being watched. As they walked, every single tent they passed opened. Men’s eyes were on them. Throughout the entire walk.
“Well, not on us,” he explained to us. “On her”.
Although the men were not looking at him, he said he physically felt their gaze and it was overwhelming. The men didn’t say anything during the walk. Didn’t catcall, didn’t threaten. But he said they didn’t need to. By the time they got to the chow hall he was physically shaken. He had never known that this was her experience every single day going to breakfast.
It was that walk to breakfast that led him to eventually become an Air Force Victim Advocate for survivors of sexual assault on his base.
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To this day the memory that airman shared remains one of the most powerful examples of a man coming to the realization of how we as men are expected, trained, taught, raised, socialized, bullied, threatened and beaten into notseeing the epidemic levels of violence against women and girls all around us, let alone doing anything about it. It illustrated how powerful a look can be, how the public harassment of girls and women does not even have to be verbal to cause harm. How blind we as men allow ourselves and each other to get away with being.
And yet even though we are socialized and taught as such, it is still our choice as men to engage in the harassment of women and girls. Or to not. It is our choice and our privilege as men to ignore that street harassment exists, and its effect on the women and girls in our lives and countless others we will never meet (and who deserve every bit of respect and safety as do our mothers, partners, daughters, and sisters.)
In March 2012, right before International Anti-Street Harassment Week, I was working with a friend, my partner Bix, and others on a video modeling how men can challenge street harassment. As we filmed “Shit Men Say To Men Who Say Shit To Women On The Street” I had my own moment of truth. My partner was harassed during the shooting of the video – and none of the men involved, myself included, even noticed. This is the inherent injustice: my male privilege allows me to choose to ignore the reality of street harassment and other forms of gender-based violence, simply because I can.
Helping men reach their own moment of recognition of the true scope, scale, and impact of street harassment is one of the most important first steps to engaging men to challenge it when they see it and to change the culture that allows it.
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Originally appeared at Stop Street Harassment
Joe Samalin and Stop Street Harassment are not affiliated with the Good Men Project. Copyright: Joseph Samalin. All rights reserved. Reprints or reposts with the permission of the author.
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Photo: Flickr/Hello Turkey Toe
As a white guy, I can maybe imagine calling out another white guy for catcalling a woman on the street. I can picture that, and maybe I should do that the next time I see it. If it’s case of a man of color making harassing comments to a woman on the street, I can’t imagine I would have the nerve to do that, because there’s no way to do that without feeling like a total racist. For example, a white guy telling a black guy to stop harassing a white woman feels way too “Birth of a Nation” for… Read more »
Mm. I believe a white person could call out a black person and vice-versa. We are too afraid of being faulted for racism when it does not exist, sure, but women also have a way too horrible history behind the cat-calling of today.
What do you feel about calling out a black man when catcalling a black woman, then?
Sexism is not only or simply ‘the subordination of women, by men’ – and to imply that women, collectively, do not or cannot have the power & disposition to discriminate, coerce, or otherwise engage and enforce in prejudicial & detrimental behavior (against women, as well as against men) is incorrect. It’s incorrect because it’s based on the notion that men, by virtue of gender, have exclusive and uniform access to the one gilded font of power; one which is just as exclusively & uniformly denied to women, by virtue of their gender. And that is a fundamental misunderstanding of power… Read more »
“Subordination of women is real”
Yes, all women, by the society/culture, when it comes to their sexuality and compared to the men of the same class, economic power and race.
Once again, you are wrong; once again you’re focusing on gender as the wrong matrix of power, let alone the definitions of “sexuality” – but keep trying with the rhetoric.
Curious …. Let’s say that I notice a women’s legs and she’s wearing stacked heels that I think my wife would look great in. My looking doesn’t have anything to do with the women personally but more so my noticing something that I would like my wife to wear. But I’m still “looking!” Some years ago, while at the airport noticed a women who resembles my wife in that she was on the short side, small but was wearing an outfit that was amazing. The outfit included a full length mink coat, high heel boots, tight pants and a cowl… Read more »
I think too many people slide too quickly into and then through a “slippery slope” kind of argument. The “slippery slope” looks like this: looks become stares, stares become comments, comments become catcalls, catcalls become physical assault, physical assault becomes rape. Therefore, looking is part of the same patriarchal privilege that leads to rape, so no substantial difference between looking and raping. People even use the expression “raping with the eyes,” which pretty much captures the shrillness of the rhetoric sometimes. There’s a real difference between looking and aggressively staring. Hard to define sometimes, and highy subjective, but it’s there… Read more »
Staring is the problem. Even more when you sense the person is noticing it… and feeling unconfrotable.
So I guess “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” would be good to follow?
How about “And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.” then?
Hey, I’m just mentioning it because it appears to be in line with what people are suggesting. Keep your eyes to yourself. Why is it that it didn’t sound crazy until it was tied to some scripture?
“…we as men are expected, trained, taught, raised, socialized, bullied, threatened and beaten into notseeing the epidemic levels of violence against women and girls all around us, let alone doing anything about it. It illustrated how powerful a look can be, how the public harassment of girls and women does not even have to be verbal to cause harm. How blind we as men allow ourselves and each other to get away with being.” There’s a lot to unpack there- you’re taking one (subjective) example/experience and are attributing that as proof of objective, quantifiable, over-arching collective fact- in order to justify… Read more »
Everything you say in this comment is correct and eloquently stated, with the exception of one problem. Sexism is real. Misogyny is real. The subordination of women is real. Any man that doubts this needs to smell the coffee. Stop reacting as if the statement that women are mistreated is an attack on men. It isn’t. Get over yourself and wake up. I know that I have partaken in objectification too frequently to express in any quantifiable analysis. Every time I look down a woman’s shirt without her permission, check out a woman’s behind, or in any other way look… Read more »
Quick question; when you’re done flagellating yourself, is there any one near bye to hold you and tell you how much better then the other male objectifyers you are. Cuz I need somebody 2 hold me too.
That is another problem. Sexist/misogynist/man-bitter-with-women sees a man respecting women and understanding their issues; he ridicularizes this approach and the man for he feels that is not how men should be, as he is not a man who is in touch with women’s issues himself or who respect their issues and voices.
Budmin, you are a tool.
@Anonymous I will not apologize (nor do I need to apologize to you, nor demand or accept apology from you) for your individual choices, mistakes, prejudices, bigotries, or objectifications- nor do I control those of yours- for good or ill. You undercut your own argument- there are no men’s rights/women’s rights that should receive more or less favor. This includes, as you said, basic dignity, compassion, decency, manners, common sense and the golden-rule. A person can be bigoted across gendered lines just as they can (and are) along racial, nationalistic, age, ethnic, religious & class lines (among others). But… Read more »
What about the violence against men and boys world wide that far out ways the levels of violence against women and girls world wide. But hey they’re men right? That makes them **SOMEHOW** resonsible for being a victim of violence….
Women suffer the highest number of sexual violence worldwide. Most violence against women are done by men. Most violence against men are done by men.
Indeed, violence against women and men are usually different types of violence, that comes from different directions when you look at the big picture. Both are important issues, but different.
When you say that we do nothing to about violence against women do you mean that it’s not illegal to harass and accost a women? because that would be an incredibly stupid and shamlessly pandering commemt to make.
Yes, that is still not illegal to cat-call women (screaming low shit and making them scared and all).
Wow! I am blown away both by your words and my own ignorance. Thank you for this powerful article. I will be sure to save it and keep it close within reach so that I can keep it fresh. Not only do we have the privilege of being ignorant of what is going on around us, but also to refrain from acknowledging our own actions and the impact they have on others. Having read this article, I think about the pain I must have caused so many acquaintances, classmates, and strangers. I remember getting “caught” staring at cleavage, and knowing… Read more »
Men only ignore harassment when it doesn’t happen to them. they are very keen of potential sexual harassment and catcalling that happens to them by other men. That’s why many heterosexual men are homophobic against gay men. They don’t want gay men to treat them the same way they treat women. Of course, gay men are less likely to engage in such behavior of catcalling than heterosexual men. Heterosexual men don’t have to worry about homophobia and being gay bashed. Gay men get beaten up even if they just walk the street minding their own business but heterosexual men project… Read more »
So what is the solution? To remove men from the picture altogether?
The answer is don’t look at women unless you’re addressing them. Works for me. Probably a tough one for most men to follow though.
Oh sure you could choose to be respectful and police your own actions but then you wouldn’t be taking responsibility for the actions of other men which is in fact the purpose of this article. Are you not your brother’s keeper?
Honestly, combating street harassment is not our job.
Then who’s job is it? Your daughter? Your wife? Your mother?
*who’s > whose.
It’s the “Job” of who ever’s needy enough to make it their “Job”? What you can’t do is empose some assignee collective moral guilt trip on the male gender to placate your personal sense of righteous igdenation.
Please remember these word..”with great power comes great responsibility. ..to the things and people YOU care about. Everything else could kick rocks.
Honestly, combatting the perception of men as a threat is not our job. .
Men’s libidos seems pretty powerful.. .maybe they should learn to be responsible for it.
I thought being against prejudice, violence and mistreatement of women (and men) were everyone’s job? I mean, unless one is a sociopath, then… “Please remember these word..”with great power comes great responsibility.” Exactly. Men, as a group, have a greater power to talk against violence and mistreatement of women with other men. The same with women talking to other women about men’s problems. White people talking to other white people about racism against blacks. Straight people talking to other straight people about homophobia. When someone is a sexist/racist/whatever, they will usually only hear their own group. And talking about it… Read more »
Men should go their own way, right?
“That’s why many heterosexual men are homophobic against gay men. They don’t want gay men to treat them the same way they treat women.”
Therein lies a disgusting generalization that ALL hetero men treat women like pieces of meat. You’re no better bubsy.
I tend to agree there Menkes- Moral outrage built on a foundation of generalizations, wholesale presumptions, pronouncements, and hyperbole does not enhance the morality or credibility of one’s position; it detracts from it.
It’s difficult to argue that one’s position is moral, just, and proper if that stance itself is rooted in a prejudice, or in discrimination; which, most people would argue is itself fundamentally immoral, unjust, and errant. Stereotypes aren’t always errant, but presuming them as immutable fact offhand (or thereby employing them) does little to enhance an argument’s credibility, and does nothing to enhance its moral integrity.
it also assumes there are no homophobic women.
Trust me, that ain’t so.
But regardless I loathe this particular platitude because it coopts LGBT struggle and makes it all about straight women. No. STOP. DOING. THAT.
Actually homophobia is more to do with disgust of the same sex hitting on you, bible, etc than fear of being treated like a woman. Do you think men would fear being treated with more safety, more likely to have things bought for them and the other privileges women get?
I don’t want men hitting on me because I am not gay, and I feel more awkward around male-male sexuality directed at me than sexuality from the opposite sex.
Yes, many straight men hate gay guys for being “girly”. They also believe gay men will cat-call them and stare at them all the time and treat them as pieces of meat, with no respect – the same way many straight men do to women. And yes again – many men, when asked about turning into a woman, show disgust and despair. Most women, when asked about turning into a man, show curiosity or even relief. Women are not treated with more safety when it comes to their sexuality. Their bodies are not safer from sexual assault. Also, most women… Read more »
“Therein lies a disgusting generalization that ALL hetero men treat women like pieces of meat.”
I hope you feel more relaxed next time by comprehending that is just a form of language. Notice the “many straight men” there. These particular men usually treat women in a not so great way and will fear gay men will treat them the same way – they usually believe all men are like them.