Thomas Fiffer breaks the code to reveal what really makes men tick.
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Here’s the secret no one tells you about men.
In our heart of hearts, in that soft private place we’ve walled off behind the façade of toughness, we’re missing something we desperately need—we lack … self-respect.
Yes, men have a self-image problem. And it’s not because we’re portrayed in sitcoms as bumbling idiots incapable of understanding women or changing diapers.
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Yes, men have a self-image problem. And it’s not because we’re portrayed in sitcoms as bumbling idiots incapable of understanding women or changing diapers. It’s because we’ve been raised to seek respect and respectability from purely external sources: success, wealth, power, influence, fame, and most of all female validation, instead of finding it where it already resides—within.
We’ve been raised to accept the validation dynamic.
The pressure to achieve the things that we’ve been told attract that loveliness (fat wallet, flat stomach, four-hour erections) is intense.
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Say what you want, but in our society men who attract and partner up with attractive women are not only held up as superior but also encouraged, through popular culture, to see themselves as superior, while men who remain frustrated in the dating game, “lose” their partners through breakup or divorce, “settle” for a woman on the plain side, or God forbid choose to remain single are perceived and presented as losers, as “less-thans,” the leftovers who are not worthy of a life with loveliness. And the pressure to achieve the things that we’ve been told attract that loveliness (fat wallet, flat stomach, four-hour erections) is intense.
This is why, when an ugly man is seen with a beautiful woman, we say, he’s either rich or good in bed. It couldn’t possibly be that she simply loves him.
This is why men flock to pick-up artists, to learn the secrets of getting pretty women to go out with and ultimately sleep with them, instead of working on being good relationship material.
And it’s why, I believe, there is an undercurrent of misogyny among some (but not all) men. Bear with me on this one.
Picture the frog stomping his frog legs when the beautiful princess refuses to kiss him, consigning him forever to life as a reptile.
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Our social sexual rules set men up for rejection. Because men (mostly) do the asking, women have been given the power to validate, and when they withhold it, men get angry. Picture the frog stomping his frog legs when the beautiful princess refuses to kiss him, consigning him forever to life as a reptile. The anger isn’t right or appropriate or justified. But rejection cuts to the core, and its consequences can be devastating. Now please, please don’t interpret this as blaming men’s anger on women, who participate in but did not create the validation dynamic. Men and women both are 100% responsible for their own actions. But the anger men feel is real, and we can learn a lot by examining how a lack of self-respect influences male behavior.
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I believe lack of male self-respect explains several things.
1. Male disrespect towards women. Plain and simple: if you don’t respect yourself, how can you respect others?
2. Male aggression. Power enables you to get things you want. If you feel you’re worthy and deserving of those things, you go out confidently and ask for them. If you feel you’re not, you either go without or go with force and take them.
3. Male competitiveness. When men compete, it’s not only to win the contest; it’s also to impress the woman who’s watching. Movies show us that the hero—the star athlete, the guy who goes from rags to riches, Bruce Willis in Die Hard, the savior of the world—is the one who gets the girl, while the supporting actors nod in deference. Respect is gained by winning, and to the victor the spoils.
If men are so definite and decisive in business, why are they seen as wishy-washy when it comes to committed relationships?
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4. Male fear of commitment. If men are so definite and decisive in business, why are they seen as wishy-washy when it comes to committed relationships? Is it fear of being tied down or the desire to keep having fun by playing the field? Possibly. But I believe it’s the deep-seated feeling of unworthiness, coupled with a lingering dread that the woman’s affection—and the worthiness it conveys—can be removed at any time. Rather than suffer the pain of that loss, men choose to stay uncommitted. This is not indecisiveness, but a form of self-protection.
5. Male homophobia. There are many reasons (all invalid) that hetero men hate gay men, but why do they find them threatening? They’re not taking away the available women. Perhaps it is because they are exercising self-respect by finding the courage to go with what they feel within. Men who are true to themselves and their convictions will always be perceived as threatening to men who remain trapped in their prejudices.
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A man with self-respect can say, “She didn’t want me. I will find someone else. I will find someone better. I will find someone who deserves me.”
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When men move towards self-respect and self-validation, male anger and the ugly things that accompany it will dissipate. Why? Because rejection will lose its power to hurt. Because a man with self-respect can say, “She didn’t want me. I will find someone else. I will find someone better. I will find someone who deserves me.”
Here are three ways men can start building healthy self-respect.
1. If you’re in a relationship with a woman, drop the assumption, “She is with me, so I am worthy.” Instead, say to yourself. I am worthy, so she is with me.” Women are not men’s better halves. They are just women, and a healthy relationship is a relationship of equals.
2. Be the qualities you want to attract in a partner. If you want a loving, respectful, appreciative, and affectionate, mate, then bring out those desirable behaviors in yourself. Whether or not you attract someone right away, you’ll be happier with and you’ll develop more respect for who you are.
3. Measure yourself only against your own standards. Remember that you can only be yourself. Set high standards for your own conduct and accomplishment, and never try to achieve an artificial ideal of success or happiness. True happiness—and the self-respect that underlies it—comes from accepting your imperfections and being comfortable in your own skin.
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It may be hard to think of men, who appear to have so much power and respect from the world at large as lacking self-respect inside. But understanding this truth is, I believe, the first step down the road to building better men, and to creating a safer, more peaceful world.
Photo—Rory McLeod/Flickr
This is enlightening, we women, sometimes forget all the stigmas that men go through. We feel very unappreciated and even attacked when men are reacting to this cassette they have been recorded in their head.
Great read. Thanks for sharing. This isn’t just a male issue…it’s a human issue. The idea of self-respect, and all other negative images of self, comes from an even deeper issue: self rejection. See, there are 5 major traumas that can happen to a child – but EACH one leads back to the #1 trauma which is self-rejection. Most of us in our culture are traumatized by just being born in a culture that has so segregated the body from the mind – the feminine from the masculine – our bodies from the earth…that we, in my belief and theory… Read more »
Couldn’t agree more with you silke. Auto refresh drives me nuts. I’ve learned too copy parts of my posts as I’m writing them so they don’t get lost. Also because sometimes i’,m a spammer to them. Or not get posted at all even when it says looked like you’ve already said that. I’ve always been respectful even my reads of the most stupidest of posts. I wish they also had an edit this post option as well as a notify me of future comments.
Hi, I’m contemplating the three piees of advice at the end of the article, and it seems to me that #1 and 2 are a bit contradictory: 1. If you’re in a relationship with a woman, drop the assumption, “She is with me, so I am worthy.” Instead, say to yourself. I am worthy, so she is with me.” Women are not men’s better halves. They are just women, and a healthy relationship is a relationship of equals. 2. Be the qualities you want to attract in a partner. If you want a loving, respectful, appreciative, and affectionate, mate, then… Read more »
Auto refresh on this site drives me crazy!
GMP have to improve, and they must also fix this annoying habit that some of us are called spammers…when we are not.
Erin-
I posted a response to your earlier comments hours ago which still hasn’t shown up. I am just going to sleep so I will have to respond later. The response which looked like it was to you was actually to GL. Moderator, this is not acceptable.
It shouldn’t take hours to post a comment.
Hi Michael
I know what exponentially mean from my math classes but still I would like you to explain what you mean with this statement.
“And her success rate with sex will be exponentially greater still”.
Thank you Mark and Mostly- my response took over four hours to post. GL- thanks for chiming in from the distaff side. As for guys having all the power- I don’t doubt you and some other women feel this way, but ask yourself, “In what other part of life is the person in power the one who takes all the risk, without commensurate full reward?” If a boy asks a girl out, she can say yes, no or crush him. If he takes the risk and she says yes, then they both have a date. He takes the risk and… Read more »
What I don’t like about your response Michael is how dismissive you are to women’s experiences and you minimize them as being less emotionally painful then what men experience to make your point about men’s frustrations and pain. And it’s for that reason that it makes it hard to hear what your saying because you come from the perspective that women just have it easier. Well sorry, but dating has never been easy for me. I never had a bunch of guys knocking down my door. I’ve had lots of men make “suggestions” about what I can do to my… Read more »
We culturally do tend to make assumptions about plain men with beautiful women. We also do the same for plain women with beautiful men. The reverse of it is when we make jokes about how the guy is gay or she must “suck good c*ck”. I would agree with Tom’s statement about disrespect and how “if you don’t respect yourself, how can you respect others.” But that’s one part of the picture. I think disrespecting others can also come from a sense of self-importance and entitlement. There is a huge sense of entitlement with men and female beauty. While women… Read more »
this really is a good site..i am starting to like it very much…:)
Wow, I had no idea guys felt this way, thanks for sharing an opening up. Women too are looking for validation. Getting picked (asked out) by the “best” guys says your a desirable female, and being asked out by many guys means you have choice. I feel guys have all the power because you can ask anyone you wish, where as a woman gets to pick from the small subset of men (and some ladies don’t get asked by anyone). I read an article that claimed that most relationships where the women ask the guy out fail. Any guys out… Read more »
GL, regarding the women ask a guy out.
I really have no idea about the success-to-failure ratio in this department, so maybe this is just confirmation bias. But I do have quite a lot of friends who are married or in long-term relationships with a woman who took the first step.
I would guess that an “unsuccessful” (relatively) guy having a woman ask him out, would feel flattered and really make an effort to meet her expectations. Then again a more popular guy would probably have a higher risk of turning her down.
Why is my comment continuously rejected? It’s long, but not that long.
” if you don’t respect yourself,how can you respect others?” I feel a song coming on -Respect Yourself sung by the StapleSingers and Marc Broussard. Look it up. It says what you are saying.
Congratulations, Mr. Fiffer! This is the single best approach to an article I have read on this website in, I’m guessing, five years or so. Could you please show it to all of the other editors so they know the approach most articles should take on a website dedicated to “The conversation no one else is having.” Yes, it still focuses on the negatives of how men act, but at least it starts to explain the whys and wherefores of those actions and helps demonstrate that they are very logical and emotional responses to the negative cues and demands of… Read more »
Don’t get paranoid about this Michael. Happens to me all the time. It’s a glitch in the gmp site. Most times my posts get through, sometimes not, and sometimes i’m a spammer according to them.
Enjoyed reading your perspectives there Michael- glad with all the effort you put they finally got through moderation.
As far as the “homophobia”…a heterosexual man is not “intimidated” by a homosexual, there are many of us that think it is not normal behavior for a man.
Whoever controls the “conversation” makes the rules and gets to “dictate” slander ,like “homophobia”. “hate speech”, et al, if we don’t agree with you.
Peace.
Yes, there are many heterosexual men who are ignorant like that. And they don’t wanna learn. Not “normal”… nature is full of homosexual animals, including humans… haha. 😀
I’m just an average straight guy russ but same sex attractions are normal but in the scheme of things are not common. You and others might think that is not normal but you’d be incorrect as far as biology goes. Underneath people who feel that way is probably relious views, pseudo morality and the like.
I wish I could join the chorus applauding the points stated in the article; but what world is he living on?
I wish I lived on that world.
“Set high standards for your own conduct and accomplishments…”
I never knew that the person next to me was competing with me….he never let on what his secret goals were….the whole time I was focused on my education and my future career….I never would have guessed that that was what he wanted, too, for himself….he said that when he was younger he was so aimless and without guidance for the future…I could never understand that….
Lol. How right you are!
Really interesting and enlightening!
Just one problem: frogs aren’t reptiles!
Indeed, frogs are amphibians. But being an amphibian sounds kind of cool, and the poor prince feeling like a reptile had a much better ring to it 🙂
Good basic article Tom. I am in that place after so many years of not. How I came to it I have no clue but age and experience certainly played a big part. Once I figured out social custom was mostly made up it was so much easier to unravel. Hope younger guys read this so they don’t have to waste so much of themselves.
There is so much to cover in your paragraph. Someone more worthy will have to do the job of unpacking it.
PursuitAce, I always did overpack 🙂
Um, frogs are amphibians, not reptiles….
It’s hard for men to grasp the idea that a woman will like him for him, that we don’t need him to ‘save the day’. A lot of times, we women create damsel-in-distress situations just so a man will notice us. When we come across as self-sufficient, men decide that we don’t want them at all. I am all for men getting out of this mindset. I do not get approached by men, and I know it’s because I don’t subject them to the head games they have grown accustomed to. It’s the same reason a lot of married men… Read more »
Joye, I believe you are filling in the other side of this “unworthiness” equation. Both men and women are socialized to be imbalanced – either too yang (assertive) or too yin (receptive) without feeling comfortable about being relatively balanced – embodying being both. As you mention, women will feign helplessness to attract a male that must transfer any yin/receptive feelings to an “other” and women transfer the yang/assertive feeling onto a male. Thomas points out that both genders are looking to the other for validation, but each is lacking the basic respect for what the other is seeking validation for.… Read more »
John, That is a great observation, that each gender rejects in itself the qualities for which the other is seeking validation. Thanks so much for sharing your insight.
Joye,
I’m all for self-sufficient women.
I don’t care too much about the “damsel-in-distress” scenario. What I want is mostly someone who is for some reason attracted to me for who I am and what fun stuff we can do together, not for what I am able to perform and supply. And also able to acknowledge that.
But mostly I’ve had run into women who needed an outlet for their, I don’t know… frustrations, maybe.
Funny you should mention Bruce Willis in Die Hard as an example of the hero who gets the girl! Each movie sees him (John McClane) worse off in his marriage than before; by the 4th movie he is divorced and his daughter does not give him the time of the day either. Bit of a subversion, really.
Or don’t define yourself by women at all.
It’s all backwards Wes. People from either gender are not going to find themselves by crosschecking who they are with the approval of the other side. Feminism has clearly determined to obliterate that requirement for women. Now why is the reverse wrong? Do you know when it will all click into place? When you realize that you will probably never find that near-to-make-believe soul mate you’ve been brainwashed into looking for. If you do that’s great, enjoy. For the 99.9% rest of us once you realize the myth for what it is and accept it, that’s when happiness can begin.… Read more »
People are looking for soul mates want someone to make up for their own lack of “soul”. A soul mate is earned and forged, it is not packaged, it is a journey and not a destination. People want the hard work of relationships done for them right away.
Overall pretty good.
One comment, though:
“This is why men flock to pick-up artists, to learn the secrets of getting pretty women to go out with and uiltimately sleep with them, instead of working on being good relationship material.”
Working on being, or even being, good relationship material, is rather fruitless if you can’t even get a single date.
FlyingKal, It may seem counterintuitive, but working on being good relationship material gives a man–or a woman for that matter–a different presence in the world. I believe it makes that person more attractive. But the question of how to get in the door is always out there.
Yeah, thanks, it was the “how to get in the door” question I was talking about.