Two things never cease to amaze me.
1) The amount of crap people will put up with to stay in a relationship.
2) The awful things partners do to one another because they feel entitled.
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I could write endlessly about just these two subjects, and I’d never run short of material. But since we’re having a conversation here at The Good Men Project and we value your end of the dialogue, I’ve headlined this piece with a question: What are your relationship deal-breakers? I want to know the two or three or five or however many absolutely non-negotiable behaviors you have on your list. And no, I’m not crowdsourcing a book. Well, maybe.
I want to know the “one strike and you’re out” things. The “you just jumped off a cliff and I’m not throwing you a rope” things. The “no matter how much I love you I can no longer stay” things. And the, “I would never, ever date a person who does x,” things. I want to know what makes you see red the color of blood, feel the bottomless ocean blues, and turn green at the gills with nausea and disgust. I want to know what makes everything fade to black.
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I want to know the “one strike and you’re out” things.
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Recently, Dan Savage put out a video on 22 Words about putting up with annoying habits in a partner being the “price of admission” to a long-term relationship. I heartily agree, though I think we all owe our partners the honesty to help them grow and the tolerance to stay with them while they do it. But Dan barely touched on the concept of deal-breakers, and that’s what I’m eager to explore with you. Below are some of mine. Note that infidelity—which frequently tops most people’s lists—is not one of my top five. That’s not because I wouldn’t be angry and heartbroken. It’s because if a partner and I reached that point, I’d be equally responsible for the loss of intimacy that infidelity reflects.
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1. Emotional cruelty. If you attack me where I’m vulnerable or try to make me feel like shit about myself, we’re done. I’ve been there, done that, and have zero tolerance for twisting the knife.
2. Public badmouthing. Trying to make me look bad with others—in person or on social media—reflects poorly on both of us: you because it’s immature and mean-spirited; me because people will wonder why I chose you.
3. Planting seeds of discord with family or friends. I treasure the close relationships I’ve built in my life. If you try to destroy them, you’ll quickly destroy ours.
4. Black and white thinking. If everything is all or nothing, I can’t reason with you, can’t have a discussion in which we explore both sides of an issue and appreciate different perspectives. That kills the lifeblood of the relationship—communication.
5. Contempt. Marriage guru John Gottman cites contempt as proof positive the relationship is over, and I agree. Because when you feel contempt towards someone, you can easily justify the hurtful behavior that follows.
OK. I’ve shown you mine. Now show me yours. After all, that was the deal.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo— Gemma Evans on Unsplash
Substance abuse and smoking (anything) have always been my deal breakers. What is heart breaking is my spouse of 15 years that never smoked all of a sudden out of the blue started to smoke. It’s been a fight for the last year as she keeps lying and hiding it. I’m to the point of divorce right now. It’s a deal breaker but I care about her and I tried to reason with her. I never in a million years suspected she would ever start smoking when we met and later got married. We both talked about how disgusting and… Read more »
Great article. I definitely think deal breakers are important. Not only so that ourselves can be happy in a relationship, but because it helps all of us improve in areas we be lacking in. For me, the number 1 relationship breaker is trying to change who I am. Sure, we all must adapt to each other, but to change someone is practically saying, “I want to be with someone else, not you.” There has to be an understanding of what you are and who your partner is, and the battle is to make everything else around these core personality traits… Read more »
Lack of Communication: I hate it when I get shut out. You need to be able to talk to someone and rely on them to talk back to you. I don’t like going to bed mad at each other, the issue will sit in your mind and you’ll think too much into it turning it into more than it was if it was dealt with in the first place Cheating….it’s the most devastating feeling in the world. Men, if you cannot be with one person only for the rest of your life please just stay single. I know I am… Read more »
Cluster B’s. Especially users, people who flip flop with personalities, people that mess with your head, hot n cold extreme people, eg at 8pm they want to have sex with you, 9pm they are angry and hate you, 10pm they love you, 11pm they hate you, midnight they want sex without you changing at all, or doing anything to piss them off. Even changing the hour for days gets damn annoying, pick a mood n stick with it! Abuse. Lack of sex/major mismatch in sexuality without good reason (eg if it’s less than weekly, maybe even a few times a… Read more »
For each year that I get older and more desperate, I end up with fewer and fewer deal-breakers..
I felt guilty having boundaries, so I used to put up with a lot of crap from men. My deal breakers are: 1. No contact what so ever, I mean I know he may be busy, but no text, calls, intention on meeting, then suddenly suggest to meet for just sex? Naww I am too old for booty calls and I want more than that. 2. Overly religious, I do not want to convert to your church and I actually think is stupid. So lets not waste each other’s time. 3. Dishonesty; anything I do not care if it was… Read more »
First off… narcissism. also abuse, lying and cheating. i fell victim to all of these and am still working on recovering my trust. once you have been cheated on, for me its done. absolutely over.
My Deal Breakers are… – Lying to me. Yes, really. Even the little ones. I don’t need you to lie to me. I value and respect honesty. – Emotional and physical abuse towards myself or others. I won’t tolerate it. Ever. – Bad mouthing me to friends you have a potential to be more-than-friends with. It’s perfectly fine (and healthy) for you to have friends who you can trust to have a vent to. Including when it’s about me. I understand that. It’s a good thing. What’s not a good is developing a bond that turns into a highly inappropriate… Read more »
Kashmir, Thank you for sharing in such detail. Your numbers 4 and 5 are huge: “Refusing to communicate your feelings and needs to me” and “Making me responsible for your happiness.” Relationships rely on communication to survive and grow and on healthy interdependence to avoid co-dependence and resentment.
Thanks for your response! I can’t articulate exactly why, but your article made a huge impact on me. Earlier on in my dating experiences I was actually guilty of a lot of the ‘deal breakers’ mentioned by yourself and others and now I’m older I think I’m finally starting to get the hang of what works and what doesn’t (for me at least). It’s incredibly rewarding for me to hear what it feels like on the other side of the relationship so thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more from you and GMP in future.
Cluster B personality disorders.
I had to look up Cluster B, but the actual disorders are all highly familiar. http://www.sevencounties.org/poc/view_doc.php?id=564
Most important: Being a perpetual victim, who is hurt by every person she meets, and carries all the woe of the world on her shoulders. It triggers me cruelly. (I’m working on it, though.)
Additionally: Stupidity; aversion to education and learning new things; not knowing yourself & what makes you tick (psychologically & sexually).
Theorema, The perpetual victim position is so unappealing, isn’t it? Some people have actually been victimized and experienced real trauma and struggle to heal, while the perpetual victim makes mountains out of molehills and endlessly plays out imaginary dramas.
There’s also a whole thread of comments here: https://www.facebook.com/thomasfiffer/activity/10152486038547848?comment_id=10152486197497848¬if_t=like
If a man makes a joke about my name associating it with the word “vagina” then all bets are off. I know that sounds silly, but it happens all the time. And I’ve been alive 35 years now.
Also, if he doesn’t like high waisted pants then nothing will ever come of us. Why? because I look FABULOUS in high waisted apparel, so if he doesn’t like it, then he a.) has no style and b.) doesn’t find me attractive when I’m feeling very good about myself!
And everything Edie said.
Virginia, I love your deal-breakers, and I pity the fool who runs afoul of your rules 🙂
Abuse of any kind. Active addiction. Smoking. Expecting me to clean up literal or emotional messes. Controlling my activities. Jealousy. Unwillingness to communicate feelings in a healthy way or doing his own inner work. Blaming others for his experiences or emotions. Not sharing in the responsibility financially. Sexist, racist, homophobic beliefs. Guns.
Edie, All these are so important. Controlling your activities stands out for me, because trying to control another is so disrespectful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I have been through most of the ones on your list, some within my life-long term relationship. The “deal breakers” that occurred in my current relationship have happened on both sides. We have both been the guilty party. The reason we are still together is because we consciously chose to work on our issues both separately (the I) and together (the us). We constantly strive to better our interrelationship communication. We are still adapting on these issues, up and downs. With that in mind, I think the deal breaker for me would only be: Stopping work on personal and relationship… Read more »
Wilhelm, Thanks for your insightful comments. I think another article on “Getting Past Deal-Breakers” is in the offing. Working on your issues both separately and together means you both get stronger and so does the relationship. And I agree with you completely that when either partner stops working at it and being committed, everything breaks down.