.Dr. Kwame Brown is tired of society both believing, and teaching that strength lies in a man’s ability to subjugate, hurt, and kill.
—
This is a question I have been asking for a while. It intensified for me after losing a student last weekend to violence. Joseph Bose was a good student, and a nice young man. We all die someday, but Joe did not have to die the way he did. I will do everything in my power to prevent another loss like this. This one hurt bad.
I taught about this issue in class on Wednesday. But I was a poet before I ever even thought about being a scientist. So I responded in my natural, original mode of being.
Folks got a lot to say about what they think a man is
Like a battery I’m about to take you from negative to positive
Manhood gets packaged in stores like a sellable commodity
That ain’t got nothing to do with the truth of life’s possibilities
As men, we can be so much more than fists and impressive muscles. As I write this, I know there will be some men who say “Oh, he is saying that because he must not be physically strong.” 6’1″, 200 lbs homie. Put it to rest. I simply do not require that my manhood live in my muscles.
Because I can crack a bone next or put a hole in a chest?
You think swingin’ on another dude is the ultimate test?
If your measure of a man is contained in 32 oz of steel
The next measure of a man is 6 feet in the ground for real
I am so tired. I am so tired of how often we create this falsehood that strength lies in a man’s ability to subjugate, hurt, and kill. Young boys and girls suffer the most from this idea of strength. But this is not the sum total of strength or how to be strong.
I cannot deny its allure. I felt it as a young man. I was bullied as a kid. I was skinnier than well … everybody. When I finally got strong and realized I could damage others in the way they damaged me, I waited for people to “try me.” I wanted to show them my power.
But this is not true power. True power is the fact that now as a 42-year-old man with a family, my ability to create physical power is coupled with a desire to never use it to hurt another.
That man don’t want to stand strong he ain’t tryna stand tall
That man is ready to lay down, his primary job is to fall
That man’s weakness is evident, his false pride is irrelevant.
Folks like wanna be TV kings riding around on fake elephants
You see, we have been sold this idea that manhood is summed by the ability to win some zero sum game. I am happy that my body can lift heavy things, and that I can move fast. I am grateful I have the ability to protect my family against some threats. But the sum total of me as a man is so much greater.
While manhood’s busy tryna show the world it’s so man-ly
I’m just out here every day being a damn man for my family
Manhood’s demons speak voices that command and manipulate
My demons are gargoyles I raise my sword to decapitate
I remember wanting to control others and having the fear that if I did not, people would control me. The key for me has been recognizing that it is not my job to control all of life. That is not what makes me a man. My love and dedication to those I love makes me a man more than any ability I have to break a bone.
If you too hard and too cold to shed a tear about anything
I ain’t sure you really man enough to complete the life ring
Cause being man is about being human before it’s about anything
It ain’t power denying your heart that’s just more cowards cowering
My “measure of a man” is something that for me just means being human. Sure I have a penis and testicles. I can get things from high shelves. I am a natural protector. The only things in that equation I don’t share with many women I know is the penis and testicles. My aunt is taller than me. And have you ever messed with a woman’s kids? Also, while I am strong, there are (a few) women that are stronger than me—this does not diminish my manhood. Nature already gave me that. Remember the penis and testicles? Thanks nature, totally a man now.
The rest of what I do has to do with me being a good human being and using whatever tools I have to serve and cooperate within my human tribe.
This is also about how we raise boys and what messages we send them. I am grateful that my father was rough and tumble with me and also gave me lots of love. I saw him lift heavy things, cry, support his family, treat my mom with respect and love. I saw him protect me. I saw him admit when he made mistakes (after gentle ribbing from my mom). I also had a grandmother with big strong hands who could pick me up with a bear hug through my early teen years. I have seen the quiet strength and resolve in my mom. I have seen strength in many forms. So, when I talk to and interact with young boys doing Active Play like I do, I do not only show them physical prowess. I also show them kindness. I show them understanding and cooperation.
Sometimes that boy needs rough and tumble sometimes a hug
You think that sounds weak but I would rather a kid have a hug
Than seeking that quick dopamine love from a drug
Or trying to find that acceptance from being a thugSometimes love means something more than that embrace
Sometimes it means saying life is more than a manhood race
Sometimes it means saying “I know you can do better”
Sometimes it means I believe in you forever we in this together
I believe in us, y’all. I believe we can change. I will do everything in my power to get manhood rearranged. Feel me?
—
Photo: Getty Images
Thank you ALL for the comments and shares. This was and is deeply personal for me.
Beautifully written. I posted on Facebook. I didn’t think you would mind. Thank you!
Great video especially about the guy saying about guys pretending to be a man are nothing but the donkey’s rear end.
Thank you. That was powerful.
Where did all the comments go?
A beautifully written article. What I also hate about the measure of a man (and women) is how society views a person by how he/she climbs the corporate/government ladder by hurting people through verbal and written means, kicking butts, taking names, and leaving dead bodies behind and then society praises and rewards that person(s) for being an effective, ruthless leader when he/she did not do anything to help the workforce at all or the organization and only care about himself/herself.
FYI, your link http://www.drkwamebrown.com/join “Sorry! That page doesn’t seem to exist..”
Thanks Tom. Sorry for the late reply. That was a part of my website I had to shut down. The links above work now.