There’s nothing like a long drive for deep thinking, especially about love. Thomas Fiffer shares his ‘highway insights’ on relationship logjams.
___
Have you ever found yourself cruising down the highway, while traffic on the other side is backed up to a standstill? When this happens to me, as it did this morning on I-95 in Connecticut, I experience a moment of gratitude, followed by feeling sorry for the drivers on the other side who have yet to hit the jam. They’re cruising along just like me, unaware of the upcoming holdup. It’s smooth sailing for as far as the eye can see, then BOOM! they’re hitting the brakes—stuck in minutes, possibly hours of hell.
Love, or more accurately infatuation followed by constant lovemaking, greases the gears and paves the way. Then reality rears its ugly head (why does it always have to do that), and love hits a jam.
|
What happens to those other drivers also happens in intimate relationships. They usually start off easy, with everything going smoothly. Love, or more accurately infatuation followed by constant lovemaking, greases the gears and paves the way. Everything seems possible on the wide open road. Then reality rears its ugly head (why does it always have to do that), and love hits a jam. Where the hell did all those cars come from? And why the f**k aren’t they moving? How couples navigate past this moment of truth is crucial to the relationship’s survival as well as its longevity if it survives. It also establishes the pattern for future conflicts.
♦◊♦
Here are five things to consider when facing your first logjam with a new partner.
1. Is it a deal-breaker? If the thing you’ve discovered that’s causing you to slow down (he picks his nose, she snorts when she laughs) is something you don’t like but can live with, put it on a list of annoying habits you’d like to change and move on. When you truly love someone and that person loves you back, some things are just not that important, and they become less important over time. On the other hand, if the thing you’re at odds over is something you know you can never put up with (flirting with other people, lying, or whatever your personal pet peeve is), get off the highway at the next exit.
Sometimes, icky, ugly stuff happens between people who love and respect each other.
|
2. Is it a pattern or an isolated incident? Sometimes, icky, ugly stuff happens between people who love and respect each other. Cruel words fly from curled lips, and furious anger replaces pleasant peace. If there’s a clear cause for the upset and you can say that you might have reacted the same way, you can work together to avoid that particular catalyst. But if you’re hitting the brakes because you’re seeing a pattern of repeated behavior you find unappealing or intolerable, consult Google Maps for an alternate route.
If you’re bored with your partner because you need constant change and new stimulation, you may be throwing away a good thing by leaving.
|
3. Are you growing tired of or bored with your partner? To some degree, this is natural. The intense passion of the early days wears off and you find yourself in a routine. Here’s where some self-assessment comes in. If you’re bored with your partner because you need constant change and new stimulation, you may be throwing away a good thing by leaving. Reliability and predictability can be pretty sexy. But if you’ve realized, after the glow has dimmed, that your partner is tiresome or boring, see if you can make a U-turn while there’s still time.
4. Can you actually resolve conflict? When you disagree—or fight—over whatever it is you disagree about, can you work things out constructively? Is the tone of your argument friendly—or deadly? Does it seem to be about who’s right and who’s wrong or trying to make sense out of a divisive situation? And most of all, can you argue with each other respectfully? Respect forms the core of love, and without it, contempt creeps in and kills the relationship. If you see you can put conflict to rest, you can safely keep going. If it looks as if conflict is going to get the best of you, it’s time to stop.
Ideally, you should feel a sense of relief, as if something has fallen back into place.
|
5. How do you feel after trying to work things out? If you feel like you accomplished something (and I don’t mean beating or humiliating your partner) at the end of the fight, don’t give up. Ideally, you should feel a sense of relief, as if something has fallen back into place. But if you feel like you’ve wasted your time and gotten nowhere, and if you’re filled with resentment that you’re planning to carry forward, it’s most likely a sign of misery to come. Abandon the vehicle, and if you have to, walk home.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock