A soldier wonders why he’s never been told what not to do.
Earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend of mine that raises some interesting questions about leadership. We were talking about an article by Nikki Brown entitled, “Why Are So Many Good Men Accepting of Rape Culture?”
This is about leadership, silence, enabling behavior, manhood and culture. It’s about what you stand for. And it’s a post that I came by the hard way. I read the article and was talking to my friend about it when she asked me one simple question: “Would you write about Rape Culture on your blog?” I immediately said, “No. It doesn’t belong on my blog.” That argument lasted all of about 30 seconds. You either lead or you don’t. And, well, my blog is about leadership. How can I run a leadership blog and not talk about an issue such as the sexual assault and rape of a Service member? Especially in an organization comprised mostly of young men? How could I just turn a blind eye to that?
That sort of left me with nowhere to go. I was still uncomfortable with the whole discussion, but now I had to look a lot more carefully at it. I am a man. I have a responsibility to the group I lead. A responsibility to help set, shape, guide, determine, and state the norms of that group. Whether or not I wanted this responsibility is irrelevant. I am a man, and therefore I have an obligation to help determine the acceptable behavior of men. To sit back and let my gender be co-opted by any other group is wrong. To condone the sexual assault and rape and abuse of women through my silence is the same as accepting and condoning racism, or sexism, or stealing, or any other behavior outside the manhood code.
I am also a Soldier. Narrowing down the above requirements of manhood to a particular caste of society. A particular group that operates in a particular way. I have an obligation to outline for them, to help them determine what being a Soldier means. What obligations they face. What responsibilities are inherent in the oath they took and the uniform they wear.
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This is not really a post about rape or sexual assault. Not really. It’s a post about the message we send when we tell someone that something, anything, is wrong because you might get in trouble if you get caught, versus teaching them that it is simply wrong. Rape and sexual assault are wrong under any circumstances. They are wrong if you never get caught. This is about the difference between protecting someone from themselves and teaching them accountability for themselves. One builds sheep. The other builds Warriors.
The broader question here is who will lead them? Who will show young men what being a man, being an American, being a Soldier is about? Who will teach them to rise above and accept responsibility for their actions and themselves? Who will change the argument from “Don’t do this, you might get in trouble.” to “Don’t do this because it is wrong. It is not what men do.”? Who will change the discussion from a fear-based protect-your-ass one to a discussion of what being a Soldier really means?
We stand in front of our formations on a Friday afternoon and tell Soldiers not to drink and drive, not to drink and boat, not to use a BBQ grill inside, not to speed, not to drive on a suspended license, not to get arrested and anything else we can think of, but never say to them, “Don’t rape. Don’t sexually assault anyone. Ever. Under any circumstances. Not your wife, your girlfriend, your boyfriend. No one. Ever. Oh, and by the way, you are also obligated as a man, to intervene and stop it when it happens. It’s not an option. It’s part of the code.” Why not? Why don’t we ever have that conversation?
Why are all the rape and sexual assault prevention strategies designed for women? Why are female Soldiers counseled and told and required to not be alone after dark? Why do all females learn to pay attention at all times to where they are, what they wear, the messages they send? What does it say about men and male Soldiers that our sisters-in-arms have to be worried and watchful for the very people they joined to serve with? Why are we not talking to men about a simple and straightforward and unassailable fact?
Rape and sexual assault are wrong. All the time. Every time. Under any condition. There are no mitigating circumstances. It is not part of the code. It is not what it means to be a man. We really need to spend some time looking at that. The idea that instead of putting the responsibility of women to protect themselves at all costs, we put the responsibility where it belongs. On men. That we look at the whole support structure that sends messages every day that rape is a woman’s issue.
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If you move the discussion away from rape and sexual assault the larger issue that all leaders face is determining what they stand for and to recognize how their actions and attention to something send a huge message to their subordinates. The requirement for some very overt role-modeling. No assumptions. No half-steps. Fully invested, bluntly spoken leadership. “This is right. This is wrong. This is what a man does. This is what a man doesn’t. This is what a Soldier does. This is what a Soldier doesn’t. Not because you will get caught, or get in trouble, or cause someone to have to fill out paperwork and be inconvenienced, but because it is wrong. Because it is not who Soldiers are. It is not who good men are. Moving the discussion away from the fear of getting caught or punished to the very positive place of self-definition. I do or don’t do something not because I am afraid of the consequences, but because it is not part of my code of manhood.
Step back a little further and an even more difficult question pops up: why did I not see this right away? Why when I read the article did I not see how it applied to me immediately? Why did my eyes pass right over the fact that I am responsible at a very basic level to care about how my culture gets defined for me? Why did I not immediately see my obligation as an Army leader to help create good men? Not just good Soldiers, but good men. How could that happen? My own blindness to how I think, see, assimilate, process, and encounter my world was made apparent pretty quickly.
In short order, I could no longer sit comfortably in my own ignorance. If it doesn’t affect me, then it’s not really my issue is a lazy and worthless answer. I cannot care about everything, but I can listen and care about what speaks to my heart. I have a long way to go to fully grasp all the parts of this discussion, but at least I am beginning to see how ignorant I am. Sometimes, knowing what you don’t know is more important than knowing what you do.
So here it is. I am responsible and accountable for my actions and my behaviors. I am responsible to educate the next generation of young men about what I think it means to be a good man. I cannot sit back and let someone else decide that for me. I have to take an active role, and active part, I have to stand up and state my case. Otherwise the conversation, the roles, the rules, the norms, the acceptable behaviors all get made in my absence. I give up my right to complain and say “But that’s not me!”, if I do not stand up and say, “Enough.”
It starts with the Friday afternoon safety briefing currently designed to protect a Soldier from himself and to allow me to say, “I told him not to do that…” It ends with a simple statement. “Don’t Rape.” There is an entire leadership journey between those two places.
—Photo The U.S. Army/Flickr
I know women who joke about screaming rape…false accusation destroys the accused person’s life even if he is found innocent. This has a new painful dimension when race is added to the mix. Interracial lovers discovered in pre civil rights deep south…to save her reputation, white woman accuses lover of rape. Man is jailed or lynched. Unless feminists believe if all men are rapist, black men are especially monsters and are always guilty when charged.
First of all, my profound thanks to everyone for reading my thoughts. This is the first time I have ever submitted my writing to any outside publication besides my own blog space. I am honored by the response. Thank you to everyone. This was not intended to be a post about the why’s and wherefore’s of rape or sexual assault. Not really. What struck me in Nikki’s article was the idea that men might be silently letting their culture be determined for them by not speaking out directly and bluntly about issues that effect them. As I read GMP, one… Read more »
Wonderful, Jeff. Thanks so much for this.
This is a great post – best thing I’ve seen on the topic in a long, long time. Thank you.
Great piece Jeff. Thank you for contributing.
Is rape the only problem that men face? It seems as if every other article is about rape. Is rape truly the ONLY problem in the world facing men? Is it the only bad thing that ever happens? So, we’ve put an end to murder, felony assault, child abuse, elder abuse, hit and run accidents, embezzlement, bullying, etc. etc.?. Rape is very bad, mean guys do it. After dozens of articles and thousands of comments, I really think we all get that. Another 30 or 500 articles are not going to make the point any clearer. On this article, misses… Read more »
It should be all men. It is a man’s discussion. Not the only discussion, I agree with you. But it is a big elephant in the room that needs to be pointed at. It’s not quite so much that it’s like rape is solely defined by random sexual assault at night. But also the idea of getting a girl drunk at a party and then taking advantage of her. It happens. Women (at the very least) are taught that you should never accept a drink from anyone, ever. Never leave your cup for any reason. Have it with you at… Read more »
“It should be all men. It is a man’s discussion.” Wrong. All men can’t teach all boys. All men don’t know each boy’s problems, their personalities, likes, dislikes. All men can’t talk to him at breakfast, dinner, weekends. All men can’t tear his tail up when he needs it. That’s what fathers do. That’s also where uncles and grandfathers help out. Boys who are raised well become men who can in turn teach their sons, nephews, grandsons, neighbors, church brothers, etc. One major problem is that the cycle is often broken, with no father sleeping in the house, and therefore… Read more »
All men can’t teach all boys, but all men can try set a good example for young boys, whether or not there’s a biological connection. Say you have a teenaged son and you’re watching “How I Met Your Mother” and the episode focuses on Barney, the pick-up artist character who sleeps with as many women as possible and avoids them afterwards, and is excessively proud of his “success” at doing so. As Daddy Role-Model, this would be a chance to tell your son, This is not how you should behave as a man. As a Daddy married to a Mommy,… Read more »
Note that I mentioned “any of the boys I have the privilege of mentoring.” So, yes that could include a boy over the house for a couple hours but that value is limited. “Do you think Mommy is capable of the same, if there is no Daddy in the picture for whatever reason?” A father can verbally guide a daughter with no mother just as well as a mother can verbally guide a son without a father, and both can teach by example most lessons, but not all. There are certain things about being a woman that a father will… Read more »
“All men can’t teach all boys, but all men can try set a good example for young boys, whether or not there’s a biological connection.”
Sorry, I missed this. Very good and valid point.
I respect your arguments, even if we disagree on whether the message of “Don’t Rape” should be communicated to young people explicitly or implicitly – I would like to think it could be done both ways, or with some combination of the two. Not being a parent probably has some bearing on my views. There are not many young boys in the context of my life, I can only speak hypothetically about what I would and would not do. There’s another way of looking at the “don’t get raped” thing. Honestly, growing up and hearing that message from various authorities,… Read more »
“I respect your arguments, even if we disagree on whether the message of “Don’t Rape” should be communicated to young people explicitly or implicitly.” I was taught very explicitly not to rape although not a single time in my life has my father uttered the word rape to me. The principles I was taught and that I in turn teach my children and others who are willing to listen are very clear and explicit. There are hundreds of other criminal acts that we have never discussed about which there is 0% ambiguity. So, the message is truly explicit. This way,… Read more »
” do you personally believe Mommy can effectively guide her son to be a good man?”
Based on the number of criminals that come from single mother households and based on anecdotal experience, No. Why is this so? I have no idea. BTW, poverty is not a good explanation for this phenomenon.
The character, “Barney” from the show, “How I Met Your Mother” lives his life as he pleases and does not “rape” any of the women who sleep with him. His character projects the image of the playful and confident lothario who has drawbacks and positives in life. To shame that behavior is nonsensical to the point of this post. Being a funny, sexually attractive being is what many men *try* to do because *it* is a superior method of living life to being a castrated whimp. I wonder how many women who let their teenage daughters watch Sex and the… Read more »
Sorry Bobdole, I strayed from the topic a bit. I did not mean to imply that Barney rapes, just that he is careless with women and does not treat them as his equals, but as things to be conquered. (I’m specifically talking about early-seasons Barney, before his character was developed in more detail.) He may not drug them, but he lies to them and manipulates them with the sole purpose of having sex with them. Yes, it’s a long-played-out trope, the Lothario or Casanova, but it is still the kind of behavior that I would personally seek to discourage in… Read more »
You’ve mentioned several examples of “bad” male behavior and will not even consider “bad” female behavior by characters like Samantha in Sex and the City. You posted examples of boorish, crude, and maybe offensive behavior in a post about rape. You have linked boorish behavior to rape and say it should be corrected. Yet you explicitly said your views about adult relationships were in part shaped by shows like Sex and the City; which objectify men and glorify a sexually promiscuous and completely selfish way of life. Your criticisms of How I met Your Mother and Girls Gone Wild would… Read more »
It’s not that i refuse to acknowledge anything. My comment was already turning into a novel, so i didn’t go into Samantha and Sex and the City. I don’t have a daughter to advise, nor plans for children. I honestly can’t tell you how I would handle it. I don’t think Samantha is a good role model in some ways, but in others, especially as her character was developed more, she did have some positive traits. Confidence, business smarts, honesty (in most ways, she is brutally honest and does not filter hself), and she is a good friend. Barney, too,… Read more »
I mostly wanted you to concede that if men are to instruct their sons that Barney’s behavior on How I met your Mother is wrong then women should instruct their daughters that Samantha’s behavior in Sex and the City is wrong. In your first response you stated that you gained some perspectives from Sex and the City. In your second response you said that despite having no children you “wouldn’t know what to say” to Samantha’s behavior if you had a daughter watching it. Sure you find positives in both characters, but you singled out a lothario Barney character and… Read more »
Okay, you make a few fair statements. I can somewhat see the contradiction in saying boys should be taught not to behave like Barney but I don’t know what I’d do with my own hypothetical daughter. What I was getting at with the “I’m not a parent” statement is that I can sit here all day and talk about what I would or would not do in a hypothetical, idealist sort of way, but if you actually were to put me in the role of a parent? No, I can’t say with any kind of certainty how I would react.… Read more »
I always find it funny when people bring up SATC as I always found it to be a bit of a parody of women (and of gay men). Each character is an archetype right? All parts of a woman- The Whore The Virginal/Mother The Creative/Romantic The Bitch/Over Achiever No one woman is any of those things, most women have each of those dynamics within them. Shows like that provide a mirror of sorts for women to identify with or reject or integrate those dynamics in themselves. Clever writing, fun clothes. NYPD Blue? LA Law? Buffy? Two 1/2 men? Does anyone… Read more »
I find it worth pointing out that I neither defend nor refute rape culture as a social theory. To me, it is just that, a theory. It raises some interesting points – for me, the one that resonates most is victim-blaming. Despite knowing that false accusations do happen, I still find it despicable and disgusting that victim-blaming happens. I used to work in the news media and saw it happen a lot in the comment sections of stories about rape or sexual assault. But the theory of rape culture is problematic in other ways, such as the point Hugo and… Read more »
“One major problem is that the cycle is often broken, with no father sleeping in the house”
Exactly. One thing has been lost in all this rape discussion. The link between rape and single motherhood. Rapists disproportionately come from single mother households. How feminists square this with rape culture and male responsibility to educate other males I would really like to know.
Right on!
As a matter of interest has the site had any articles on the problem of false rape accusations? It’s a far more significant issue of course, but my guess is that if there’s ever been even one article on it, the feminists would not exactly have been very happy with it.
We have been looking for those stories. If you know anyone who would like to submit on that topic we would be happy to consider.
The reason I ask is that I wonder if maybe the feminist women especially, who post all these rape articles and these “rape culture” articles, I wonder if they have any idea how it feels to men to be constantly hit over the head and guilted with this stuff? Women are not supposed to protect men. So it’s no insult to imply to a woman that she didn’t. In fact these days feminists very often praise women who attack men. But men are supposed to protect women which is why these articles hinting that they are failures unless they jump… Read more »
I don’t think this is so much about men protecting women or the idea that women aren’t supposed to protect men (but is assumed that we are all supposed to nurture yes?) but about people respecting the rights of other people. I agree that we need to have articles about false rape accusations as well. I think in order to be able to open a dialogue you need to look critically at all sides. In regards to Eric’s post: Some men never have a strong male figure to guide them or the men in their lives were questionable. So what… Read more »
but is assumed that we are all supposed to nurture yes? No. At least not men. Women nurture (protect) children, not men. That’s why women talk about cutting men’s penises off as a joke on popular TV shows and it’s OK and that’s good TV. But if a single guy at a fraternity jokes about who would you want to rape the entire fraternity is shut down. The real rape culture is with women and with feminists attacking men. The real rape culture is the tolerance for attacks on men by women. what harm does it do to reinforce the… Read more »
If I wasn’t clear there (in my last comment which is in moderation): The harm of feminist “rape culture” comments in my opinion is that they are a deliberate attempt to spread hatred and division between men and women. The intention is to spread the feminist vision of men as evil and the ultimate aim, for at least some feminists, would be the sex segregationist approach taken by the radical feminists who literally seek to prevent men and women physically meeting (just like their conservative cousins in Afghanistan although the radical feminists are a lot more extreme). If you were… Read more »
“I wonder if they have any idea how it feels to men to be constantly hit over the head and guilted with this stuff?”
As long as it’s painful. . . as long as men who would never in a million years even consider rape realize that, according to them, rape is still your fault.
I’m sorry that it hurts you to hear these stories. As men who do not commit rape, I am sorry that you feel guilt. I don’t blame all men for what happened to me. I blame the men that did it, and to some degree, I also blame the men and women who let it happen (I won’t get into specifics, but there were passive witnesses). I don’t mean to presume to tell you how to feel, but I want to ask that you try not to feel personal guilt when you read these articles. Yes, it has been said… Read more »
Erin,
Thank you for your thoughts. I feel annoyance, irritation, and insulted. However, I feel no guilt whatsoever for something I played no part in doing.
To your point: ” I want men and women to become allies against violence and mistreatment.”
I agree 100%. I have, apparentl unsuccessfully, been trying to make a similar point. If we denouce violence and mistreatment at large, we are denouncing rape along with many other forms of mistreatment.
Strawman. It would be amusing – if it wasn’t so sad – how every time this subject, and subject like it, come up, we have men explaining how the problem is really something else, how there’s a much bigger problem somewhere else, how there’s also evil women do, and on and on and on.
Do you really think you can explain the problem of rape away?
Do you really need a “Good Men for Dummies” book that gives you a list of the 10,000 individual actions things that are wrong? If so, knock yourself out. By contrast, I recommend living according to guiding principles, making such a list unnecessary. I teach my kids to respect themselves but equally respect other people, to be kind to people, to be honest, ethical, morally upright, generous, compassionate, empathetic, to protect those who are more vulnerable, and to be self-less in their approach to life. And, I try my best to live that way, to teach by my actions the… Read more »
“Strawman. It would be amusing – if it wasn’t so sad – how every time this subject, and subject like it, come up, we have men explaining how the problem is really something else, how there’s a much bigger problem somewhere else, how there’s also evil women do, and on and on and on.
Do you really think you can explain the problem of rape away?”
The ultimate question is: What is the cause of rape. If you get that wrong your solutions will be wrong. Rape culture is not a good explanation of rape.
It’s some other problem. It is not changing the subject. Simply pointing out that “rape culture” really means a culture of feminists attacking men.
“It has to do with being an upright, honest, ethical, kind, selfless, responsible person – man, in this case.”
Jeff said this. He mentions the issue of rape specifically to make the point that it is ONE subject men are not told NOT to do.
“He mentions the issue of rape specifically to make the point that it is ONE subject men are not told NOT to do.” I’m finding that very hard to believe. How can he possibly know what 3.5 billion individuals were or were not told? How can he possibly know that 3.5 billion individuals were given a list of thousands of things not to do but that list left off rape? In order for his statement to be true, he would need to show that he knows what we all were and were not told, and that 3.5 billion of us… Read more »
O. M. G. This. Exactly this. In terms of rape and sexual assault, it’s the fact that we *don’t* have these kinds of conversations and men *aren’t* told they should or even CAN talk about it! It’s overly focused on women, in both positive and negative ways, and we need to change that. It’s also about what we *don’t* say about men when we talk about rape, and that we rarely actually articulate “this isn’t how men behave” – the conversation never even gets there. And it should. And it starts with a post like this. THANK YOU. As for… Read more »