Just by my maleness, it’s sensible to assume that I might be dangerous, and I can’t diffuse that.
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A few weeks ago, driving south down Highway 1 just outside of Monterey, I picked up a hitchhiker named Erika. She was about twenty-five years old, skinny, almost sickly looking, with her hair pulled up under a ratty woolen cap and lips so chapped that I noticed them. I mean, I understand that judging a woman’s body parts is, you know, wrong, but her lips were so chapped I thought it possible that she fell asleep while sunbathing in Chernobyl.
She climbed in quickly, zipped up the seat belt, and sat there uncomfortably in the totally appropriate way that I guess young women hitchhikers are supposed to feel, and I suddenly found myself motivated to reassure her that she was safe.
“Where you headed?” I asked in the most harmless, soothing tone I could affect.
“Santa Barbara,” she squeaked, with the comfort and poise of a squirrel trapped in a car wash.
Because that’s not threatening, right? No psychopath makes that shit up.
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“Oh, Santa Barbara.” My first thought was to comment on my recollection of the Isla Vista killings that happened near that campus, but it alarms me that that came to mind, never mind her. So I went with: “Oh, Santa Barbara. My son almost went to college there. Santa Barbara City College.”
“Okay,” she said, as in “Oh god, oh god, oh god, don’t kill me, okay?”
Then I said something else, I’ve no idea what. I’m sure I brought up my wife. My family. My cats, my mortgage, my newspaper subscriptions. Because that’s not threatening, right? No psychopath makes that shit up. Then I realized, wait, of course they do. That’s exactly what the hell they do. The fact that I’m trying to be reassuring is definitely making her uncomfortable. I decided to shut up, as she was practically climbing into the glove compartment at this point.
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We drove on in silence. I had never been this far south down Highway 1 before, and the coastal collage of redwoods, cliff rock and crashing surf is sure to sustain a jigsaw puzzle industry for generations to come. It’s weird to have lived here for twenty-five years and not ever have seen this, especially now that I consider myself a native Californian. See, hardly anyone is actually from California originally, so we tend to be excessively generous in how quickly we let newcomers declare their nativeness. Step off the plane, visit the Golden Gate Bridge, pay your hotel bill, and someone just might propose your face on the state flag. After 25 years, I feel the timeline history of the state can basically be summarized as: me, Steinbeck, the gold rush, the San Jose Mission, the first redwoods, and then dinosaurs.
So there I was, driving with Erika in reassuring silence, trying to enjoy the panoramic beauty without crashing a car into it, she trying to turn invisible while furtively searching the passenger door for a possibly hidden escape latch. Then a song came on the CD player that she liked.
“Mind if I turn this up?” she asked.
“Go ahead,” I said. “It’s my daughter’s CD,” I added reassuringly. Yes, I actually said that.
And I’m not just pandering here: the reasons for my preference are encapsulated by that vintage observation that Ginger Rogers had to do everything that Fred Astaire did, just backwards and in high-heels.
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So she turned it up. To what I can only describe as “to eleven”. My Volvo SUV – a car that couldn’t be more reassuring if it had fluffy white bunny ears affixed to the roof — became a rolling, thunderous cacophony, certainly threatening seismic activity in its wake. I never heard – no felt, deep, deep in my pelvic bones – those bass notes in that track before. Honestly, I had no idea MP3’s could have the audial fidelity to mislead migrating whales. Come to think of it, you may have heard it that day, as I am fairly sure this was a noise that could be heard from space.
When the track ended, I surreptitiously clicked the down-volume button on the steering wheel a few times, hoping she wouldn’t notice and mistake this action as somehow threatening, like I was dialing in an air-strike. I did the same sneaky-volume thing after the next track and the one following; eventually, the music was only outrageously loud but not dangerously so. Before too long we arrived in Big Sur, and she shot from the car as if she found the ejection seat she was looking for the whole time.
◊♦◊
And see, this happens to me a lot. As my friends know, I prefer the company of women compared to that of men, not just because of how I feel around awesome and worthwhile women, but also how much easier I think they are to find. And I’m not just pandering here: the reasons for my preference are encapsulated by that vintage observation that Ginger Rogers had to do everything that Fred Astaire did, just backwards and in high-heels.
Because it doesn’t matter how I feel about the compelling but tragic asymmetry between men and women, nor what I tweeted about it, nor how I react to someone being both reasonably and unreasonably afraid of me.
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Yet when I meet most women for the first time, I sense discomfort. Discomfort with a hint of fear. Which I get: just by my maleness, it’s sensible to assume that I might be dangerous, and I can’t diffuse that. And there’s no use in saying it out loud either. Exclaiming “I’m not dangerous!” — especially while, say, sitting handcuffed in the back of a patrol car — is not nearly as persuasive as you might expect. Quite the opposite, in fact. Even friendly women talk to me in that way that bartenders do: friendly, but hoping you’ll settle the tab before shit gets weird. I’m probably just sensing cautious indifference and I’m reading way too much into it. But there’s something there, and it bothers me that I both deserve it, and don’t deserve it at the same time.
The whole Erika experience brought to mind a #YesAllWomen that I actually tweeted sometime last year. Utilizing every one of the 140-characters allowed in my ASCII projectile I wrote: “Everything a man fears about jail – the imprisonment, the threat of violence and rape – is exactly what many women fear about, well, dating.” At the time I was fairly pleased with myself, the usual indulgent rush hiding in the code behind Twitter’s “send” button. But post-Erika, I find myself saddened how despite my best intentions, the distance between a person sitting next to you in a car can dwarf the global reach of social media. Because it doesn’t matter how I feel about the compelling but tragic asymmetry between men and women, nor what I tweeted about it, nor how I react to someone being both reasonably and unreasonably afraid of me. There is a whole half-world of which I am a biological outsider, and – unlike becoming Californian – the trust I yearn to deserve is much too important to be immediate.
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Photo: Getty Images
I finally got around to reading this. It’s incredibly powerful, sensitive, and spot-on. Thank you. That’s all I feel I can say. Well that, and, though we barely talked at Esalen, I could tell you’re an awesome man and human and writer. I was correct. Smiles.
1st mistake – You picked up a hitchhiker. 2nd mistake – It was A FEMALE HITCHHIKER! You must be plum out of your mind! You are begging to be falsely accused. Google ‘woman charged false rape’ or just ‘false accusations’ and read all of the stories of men’s lives being ruined by women looking for revenge or an easy pay day. That 2% false rape accusation figure only applies to IRON CLAD provable false rape accusations. The real false rape accusation rate is likely much higher. There’s really no way to know that actual number. Every acquittal or non-prosecution is… Read more »
@ Tim The numbers are actually anywhere from 2 – 10%. If I’m correct the 2% estimate is the estimate for ANY crime. The estimate for a false rape accusation in particular is about 6% or three times higher. Why is a rape accusation three times more likely to be false than any other allegation? I have an idea. I think it has to do with it being intimate and the emotional investment. She wants to hide an affair from her boyfriend. She doesn’t want to be known as a slut. She’s angry that he didn’t call her back. All… Read more »
Years ago, downtown, near my office, i was walking and saw a young woman in a sun dress–it was summer–holding a sack of groceries and crying. She tried and tried to get me to give her a ride to her home, half a mile away. I said I was busy–being kind of hinky about this–and she could walk. No, she’d get sunburned. Walk in the shade. There aren’t any trees. Walk in the shade of the buildings. Crying. Somebody watching pointed out that she was carrying heavy groceries such as canned goods not available within probably a mile, or possibly… Read more »
Picking up hitchikers, especially women is not smart. What were you thinking?
How I helped a woman and learned about rape culture. Some years ago, a woman in our building came into my office and thanked me for helping her out the previous evening. I had no idea what she was speaking about. Eventually, we got it straight. It was a nasty January evening when work ended. I was scraping away at the ice on my windshield. She was doing the same about thirty feet away, behind me. A guy came up to her and started hassling her. He got scary. She turned to call to me for help and he split.… Read more »
Brah, you got it wrong. It’s us menz who need to be VERY wary of those womenz. Delilah did in Samson. And there are plenty of jezebel’s floating around – not just in the magazine of the same name – who have no compunction about cutting a man’s equipment off, and keeping it in here purse
Just ask Dusty:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0sFhGM83VE
Of course, not ALL women are like that.
To paraphrase the legendary Harry Callahan, there’s nothing wrong with being dangerous as long as you’re dangerous to the right people.
There was a conversation among the Starretts in the novel Shane. It went something like the wife asked if Shane was dangerous. Joe Starrett responds something like he is, but not to us. He’s the safest man you could be around. Maybe that’s why women like bad boys. They think or hope that he’s not dangerous to them making him the safest man to be around because no one else will mess with her.
I didn’t know people still picked up hitch-hikers.
No, thank you. I’ve seen way too many slasher flicks to ever be interested in that.
I’m generally not afraid of people but hitchhikers, depending on the time and place, I would use a lot of discretion. when picking up a guy. I WILL NOT pick up a women, EVER. Not that I’m afraid of physical violence but I wouldn’t want a women to make a false accusation which can be just as damaging. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t get into a car with a women either.
@ Tom Brechlin Funny how that works isn’t it? You’ll have people defending Schrodinger’s Rapist, but if a guy or mom were to suggest that a guy should probably get a woman’s consent via text to avoid a false rape allegation or some other technique, people get upset. They either take the position that you just need to ensure consent because you know a woman cheating on her boyfriend will always admit that the sex was consensual women being perfect angels and all and would never do anything wrong except cheat on their boyfriends, but then he must have done… Read more »
@ Tom Brechlin
“I wouldn’t want a women to make a false accusation which can be just as damaging. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t get into a car with a women either.”
You might be interested in this story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhwFPvw7wIY
“Women bear the brunt of violence in the world, by a dramatic and overwhelming percentage. ”
Problem is this isn’t true. They may get the worst of domestic violence as your #’s show women 35.6% vs men 28.5%. But men bear the overwhelming burden of full range of violence in this world… the most common victims of assault and murder are men by a massive overwhelming percentage. It’s not even close.
Because it’s completely reasonable to get into the car of some one you think will kill you. Wow, really? I thought some guys were just stereotyping women when they said they were bat sh*t crazy.
Jphn Anderson, where do you draw the line between what is ‘bat sh*t crazy’ behavior and what is not? How about walking down the street at night, agreeing to meet someone for a first date, trying to figure out what to do when your car breaks down in an area without cell service and a stranger stops to help you, or taking a cross-country road trip solo? Do those also strike you as poor decision-making on women’s part or signs of ‘bat sh*t crazy’? These are all also potentially dangerous scenarios for women (to a greater degree than men, although… Read more »
Do women not drive in California? If you’re scared that a man will kill you, why not wait until a woman offers you a ride? Maybe the awkwardness they felt wasn’t because she was afraid of him because he was a man. Maybe the awkwardness was just the regular awkwardness of being in a strangers car, but then again if that was the case, we couldn’t blame it on men and demand they fix it. Isn’t that the true objective? Shame men until they are docile tools of women. Shame men until they abandon their own self interests and become… Read more »
A great article Scott. It evokes exactly the feeling of alarm we men feel when confronted with a woman stranger who is afraid of us. There is no way to prove our good intentions. And because a certain small percentage of men are predators, we can only do our part to pass through those moments without taking it personally. Women have good reason to be fearful. That said, it is also very important to remind ourselves that women can be just as violent and threatening as men. If I may quote from a CDC report on intimate violence: “More than… Read more »
“Women bear the brunt of violence in the world, by a dramatic and overwhelming percentage.”
Ummm, No. Men are much more likely to be victims of murder and violence in general. In fact female killers are more likely to target male victims than they are to target female victims. Men and women are more readily willing to inflict violence on men. As far as cross gender violence is concerned, maybe, but even then it is headily dependent on how you define violence.
“Women bear the brunt of violence in the world, by a dramatic and overwhelming percentage.”
Thinking about it, this statement which is provably false, clearly demonstrates the empathy gap present in modern western society. Men’s pain and suffering is seen as so much less important than women’s, but are we all not human, is not each of those men someone’s brother, father or son?
@ trey1963
Good point, but my first thought was that there are some people who must instinctively or maybe the word is impulsively or possibly inherently view men and women as antagonists. You’re on one side or your on the other. That’s why in their minds they automatically erase same sex violence. It’s not counted because it’s not part of the war.
@Jphn Anderson-
“In fact female killers are more likely to target male victims than they are to target female victims.”
Women may be more likely to target men than other women, but they only make up 10% of killers.
https://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/crime-in-the-u.s.-2011/offenses-known-to-law-enforcement/expanded/expanded-homicide-data
I am not sure what the point of this comment is.
Without looking it up, I would venture to say that the majority of the murders in Chicago, LA., New York, St Luis, Detroit this year were men/boys.
“Women bear the brunt of violence in the world, by a dramatic and overwhelming percentage. ”
No they don’t, not by a long shot. Men die 3x more from violence, and usually 2x more from violence in general. Domestic violence harms more women but that’s not the majority of violence worldwide.
This myth of women getting it soo much worse needs to die already. The empathy gap is harmful.
Mark:
Thanks for reading, and for the feedback. I know I shouldn’t read the comment section of anywhere on the Intenert, but I’m making an exception. 🙂
Thanks again; keep,up the good work,
Scott
No. They don’t have good reason to fear us. They fear us because of 50 years of feminist propaganda that has told women they need to fear men and especially male sexuality. Look around you, we’re constantly bombarded with images and words telling everyone that men are all potential rapists, child abusers, paedophiles and muggers. This wholesale misandry goes even further when describing the non-violent males as stupid, lazy, incompetent, sex-crazed oafs. All this means that women have been conditioned to see men as either a threat or a joke. I for one refuse to apologise for being Male. I… Read more »