Marc Oromaner believes that the strongest men are those who have the strength to forgive someone who did them wrong.
The first time I was given advice about the importance of forgiveness was at the most unlikely of places: an advertising school I was attending in Atlanta. The school had brought in speaker Joey Reiman—a very successful advertising executive who ran his own agency. Almost immediately, I could tell this man had a lot of wisdom, but it was towards the end of his presentation when something he said really resonated with me.
He asked how many of us had someone in our life—from our past or present—that still made us angry sometimes. Nearly everyone had a hand raised. Joey then shouted, “Evict them! They are living in your mind rent free!” It gave me chills. I’d thought about all the people, some from years and years before, that still made me bitter. Joey was right! Why was I still holding onto these negative emotions? Surely, they weren’t thinking about me!
Years later, I saw T. Harv Ecker, author of Secrets of The Millionaire Mind speak in New York. He said something similar to Reiman’s quote, which resonated just as deeply: “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Wow, such a simple message and yet, so true and impactful! Taking both messages to heart, combined with what I had learned from various spiritual teachings and the myths in the media, I decided then and there to forgive anyone who I ever felt had done me wrong. At that moment, it all clicked: You can’t control the actions of others, but you can decide whether you suffer for them. I chose to no longer suffer.
Since then, I’ve become even more conscious of the power of forgiveness. One thing that makes it easier for me is my belief that we are all connected. When I workout, do my muscles get angry at my brain for making them stress and strain? Similarly, perhaps a reason others cause us pain or sorrow to begin with is to give us an opportunity to grow. Maybe all the seemingly negative experiences we go through in life, no matter how horrendous, allow us to step up and make some good come out of them.
Whenever I experience something or someone which causes me pain or anger, I do my best to stop and think about the bigger picture: “What is the possible opportunity or lesson here?” Even when I hear devastating stories that have happened to others or in the news, I still think about the possible blessings. I don’t mean to belittle the anguish and devastation that may come out of these situations, and I think everyone has a right to feel angry or depressed about whatever travesty they may have undergone. The issue, however, is when you hold onto the pain and let it control your thoughts, decisions, and actions. Such a situation doesn’t do anyone any good, especially you.
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I believe that one of the greatest, yet underappreciated, healing forces in our world is the power of stories. Consciously and subconsciously we learn so much wisdom from the myths in the media and the forgiveness motif shows up frequently, particularly in the Star Wars saga.
During its sixth episode, Return of the Jedi*, Luke Skywalker is battling his own father, Darth Vader, to the death. In a powerful scene, Luke’s hatred fuels his strength to the point where he knocks Vader to the ground, slices off his robotic hand, and is ready to finish him off. But then, Luke looks at his own robotic hand—a hand he’d lost to his father in an earlier battle. If he were to finish him off, he would start to become everything he had hated about him.
Luke tosses away his light saber and refuses to fight. That decision nearly costs him his life as Darth Vader’s master, Emperor Palpatine, shoots bolts of electricity into Luke. Just as it seems as though Luke is finished, his father rises up and tosses his electrically charged master to his doom. The electric shock destroys Vader’s life-supporting robotic body, which he cannot live without. Luke tries to help his dying father and promises, “I must save you.” His father shakes his head and says, “You already have.”
I always get teary-eyed watching that scene, as I do with the forgiveness scenes in movies such as Field of Dreams where Kevin Costner’s character must forgive his dad for never being there for him. On TV, there has probably been no better example of a show focusing on the forgiveness theme than Lost, where nearly every character had to forgive a parent, a friend, or themselves for atrocities that they’d carried around with them like burdens that weighed down their souls.
Regardless of your perspective as to why life presents us with people and events that we can chose to forgive, the benefits of doing so definitely outweigh the benefits of not forgiving—of which, there really aren’t any. Holding onto anger gives us an excuse for being miserable instead of the power we need to do something about it. It affects our decisions, such as deciding not to have kids so there’s no chance of you becoming the kind of parent your father or mother was to you. In fact, holding in anger creates a filter through which we see all of life, and act accordingly. The forgiveness filter however, makes everything so much brighter.
Besides allowing us to psychologically lighten our burden, studies show that forgiving brings about physical health benefits as well such as lowering our levels of stress and blood pressure. Forgiving may even benefit those who we feel are responsible for our pain, even if we only forgive them in our mind (David Wilcock’s book The Source Field Investigations explores evidence that showering love and forgiveness in our minds to our perceived enemies may actually help them to reduce any guilt they may be holding on to.)
Even knowing and believing these benefits, forgiving can be quite a challenge, especially when it comes to something someone did that has devastated our life. Gary Weinstein is someone who has known such a travesty. His entire family—wife and two young boys—were killed when struck by a drunk driver. Even the biggest proponents of forgiveness could understand Gary not forgiving the man who committed such an atrocity. Yet after much anger, grieving, and soul-searching, Gary did.
His story inspired a friend of his, filmmaker Shawne Duperon who herself had found the strength to forgive the perpetrator of sexual abuse she’d undergone as a child. As fate would have it, Shawne was also a family friend of the driver who had killed Gary’s family, and knew firsthand how completely devastated and guilty he was for the pain he’d caused. Touched by both stories, Shawne has been working on a film about forgiveness that she hopes will help heal the world.
As an explanation for the pain and suffering that occurs in this world, some believe that there is no explanation for it while others feel we bring it upon ourselves in a karmic fashion or as a punishment from a vengeful God. Personally, I feel that the deeper the challenge, the more good that has the potential to come out of it. What possible reason could there be for a young girl to be sexually abused or a caring, good man to lose his entire family in a senseless, avoidable act? While Shawne and Gary have made tremendous sacrifices, the strength they developed from those experiences has enabled them to help many, many others. It is the Messiah myth: the strong soul who sacrifices itself in order to save us all.
In my heart, I believe that the concept of the Messiah isn’t actually a person, but an energy that comes when we tip the scale in favor of love, harmony, and acceptance. Taking the first step in that direction begins with forgiveness.
Before you click away from this article and push its message to the nether regions of your mind, take a moment to do a mental check of the people from your past that still evoke a reaction of pain or anger. Do you think that these people acted as they did to purposely anger you? Did they get joy out of the hurt they caused? Or, were they acting from their own pain and suffering and could be forgiven because they knew not what they were doing?
Even if they did enjoy causing you pain, can you find it in your heart to forgive them anyway? Can you let it go? Could you send them a letter of forgiveness? Even if you don’t send it, could you at least write it? Perhaps the person you need to forgive the most is yourself. Write that letter and mail it to yourself. Know that whatever you’re angry about, you, or the people who’ve angered you, were most likely doing the best they could, with the tools they had at the time. Yes, the tools were likely faulty, but maybe thinking about it that way makes forgiveness a little bit easier.
So purge yourself of your inner poison! Evict the pain that is living in your mind rent-free! More likely than not, you’ll find that the tenant that moves in to take its place is much more cheerful and inspiring. And by hearing that voice in your head, instead of the angry, bitter one, chances are, you’ll find yourself feeling more cheerful and inspiring too. I know I do.
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* The original name for this film was Revenge of the Jedi. Lucus decided to change it since the concept of revenge doesn’t fit into the enlightened code of the Jedi. The message for us is to not hold onto anger or fear since it leads to the Dark Side.
Photo by JD Hancock/Flickr
The link that brought me here on Twitter had the question, “Are the strongest men those who have the strength to forgive someone who did them wrong?” made me pause a bit.
I think there might be a bit of a problem with the implication that forgiving someone that did them wrong is some sort of strength. To do so seems to say that a person that does not forgive the one that did them wrong is weak and wrong.
Thanks for sharing your concern Danny. There has actually been quite a lot of comments discussing this post that you might find of interest. (They start on the previous page.) The message of this article is to say that holding onto anger often harms us in more ways than we may recognize. I have offered people the chance to consider forgiveness as an option for letting go of that pain, which I feel is empowering to the forgiver. Some have disagreed. The comments may offer more insight if you are open to more details and clarification.
Thank you, MediaHound, for this response and for all the excellent information and links. This can be a real help to myself and others. It is very good of you to give so much of your time to help others in this discussion and elsewhere. My PTSD issues are a serious challenge in my life, and I deeply appreciate this information and your perspective. My snow shovel is ready. If I may, I’d like to borrow your snake oil analogy. That helps me a lot.
You either get what this article is about or you don’t. In fact, Oprah has done a Life Class on the very subject. I think what he’s trying to convey here is that forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened to you was ok or you’re condoning it. It doesn’t mean you have to have any contact at all with the abuser. Forgiveness is about not continuing to be victimized by the past. I LOVE what Tyler Perry said. He said that the same strength it took to endure the abuse, is the same amount of strength it takes to forgive.… Read more »
Some people have endured horrors. Trauma creates neural pathways in the brain. But guess what? So does proper treatment. To imply that someone can’t get better, to me, is re-victimizing them. It’s an interesting comment which on the face of it is 100% correct. However, research keeps pointing out that when it comes to neuro-plasticity trauma causes rewiring and restructuring of certain parts of the brain, and, as it were, proper treatment causes changes in other parts of the brain. So yes it’s a correct statement, but actually highly misleading, as the brain structures and functions altered by Trauma are… Read more »
MediaHound, do you have a book or blog dealing with your studies on PTSD and brains required by trauma? I’d love to read more about this. Thanks for all of these comments.
That was “rewired” by trauma… Sigh. I need coffee.
W,R.R. – when it comes to basic texts on PTSD – and all of it’s implications, there are two which often prove useful to those who wish to skip the easy read and jump in the deep end – but it’s a Very Deep End! 1) PTSD: Brain Mechanisms and Clinical Implications – edited by N. Kato, M. Kawata, R.K. Pitman – 2006 Link to google books 2) Handbook of PTSD: Science and Practice – edited by Matthew J. Friedman, Terence M. Keane, Patricia A. Resick – 2007 Link to google books There is no “Easy Read” which covers the… Read more »
The idea that proper treatment causes one set of brain structures to develop is valid – but if you take that as a full concept concerning PTSD it’s the same as saying that learning to Juggling with you hands replaces two missing legs and will allow you to not be in a wheel chair. Juggling may improve hand eye co-ordination – but It won’t make you a ballerina. I wasn’t implying that a person with deep trauma can be completely restored. Of course not, because their brain has been altered. I was just saying that to think they can’t get… Read more »
Drew, I agree with you. Tom B, you do a better job of making clear that you don’t believe forgiveness of abusers is a requirement of healing than others have managed. The dogged repetition of a mantra ad nauseum on this thread left me feeling that no opposing view was valid here. However, my statements of being unwilling to hear forgiveness preached at me without evidence of a similar traumatic past does not assume anybody else is free of trauma. It is more in line with your “I know how you feel” example. If somebody who has been betrayed by… Read more »
How many PTSD sufferers does it take to change a light bulb? NONE! They have flashbacks to light the way … some call it mood lighting! W.R.R. – to what I have said before you can add Victim Blaming and Secondary Abuse – Re-victimisation. Get your body blown to pieces and people are happy to push you around in a Wheelchair. Get your mind blown to pieces and they are still happy to push you around! No Wheelchair required! They just see it as acceptable, even when told it’s not – asked to stop – and even told to stop!… Read more »
MediaHound, thank you. This actually helps me so much. I especially like the quote about earthquakes. PTSD from my abuse and phobias and triggers coupled with physical handicaps from abuse have joined hands with my rapid cycle bipolar to make life almost unbearable at times. Yet I want to fight and live, and help other victims and survivors to know that surviving is possible. Then the “forgive gurus” sidle up and make me so angry and upset that I have to calm myself to respond civilly at all. To me, “forgive abusers” is revictimizing and victim-blaming. Especially when a survivor… Read more »
To survive to adulthood and escape and then be told to “forgive yourself” can devastate him. Far better to help him grasp that none of it was his fault, to let go of guilt because he was a victim too, no forgiveness necessary. As for “forgive your abusers”, that is just sickening. Hmmmm – would it be seen as socially acceptable to have people telling someone blown up in an accident and damaged being told they had to forgive themselves for being in the wrong place at the wrong time? It’s odd – but when it comes to humans being… Read more »
I don’t believe that anyone has to forgive. I don’t see anyone saying that the “only way” to heal is to forgive the perp. It’s simply through various experiences that some people have found that forgiveness helped them move on and heal. There are some great comments made in this string but what bothers me is that it appears that some people feel the some commenters who have no connection to some trauma with their view have had no trauma in their life. I can somewhat understand this view in that it’s annoying to hear someone say “I know how… Read more »
Media Hound and Tom B, thanks for sharing your views. Tom B: I appreciate you bringing up the point of the events running through your head. We do that a lot. We rehearse those traumas again and again and that’s one of the reasons why I think it’s so important to let them go. Because it just gets us in a vicious cycle from which there is no resolution. We cannot erase the past. But we can take charge of our future. Media Hound: It sounds like much of your experience is from those who bully or insist that people… Read more »
Anger is a valid emotion, and there are things worth being and staying angry about. Anger is just as valid and positive an emotion as any other, when properly directed as an agent for change, whether in one’s personal life or in society at large. On the flip side, letting anger run unchecked in one’s life is certainly not a good idea, it’s harmful to both emotional and physical health. But trying to purge anger from one’s system before it is fully processed is also damaging to emotional and physical health. Until a person has fully grieved their injury and… Read more »
Thanks so much for making that distinction Drew. And I would agree that genuine forgiveness will be elusive until someone has fully grieved. I would just add that beginning the process of forgiveness, as a state of mind like you mentioned, by doing internal work, helps with the grieving process.
I am totally with Marc on this. I deal with kids that struggle with events that have potential of life long negative affects. Many of them turned to drugs so as to better deal with these events. Forgiveness absolutely isn’t for the other person. Forgiveness doesn’t make the wring write, it doesn’t erase the wrong but what it does do is it allows some to start to close the door on that event so that they can move on. I know of no one who doesn’t want the perp to take responsibility for their actions. But their inability to take… Read more »
I think there has been a definite benefit to the energy you’ve put into these replies because you wanted to write them. Who knows who may come along and read them and find value in them? Perhaps it has been something that has been bothering you that you felt a need to get out. If what I’ve written is not resonating with you, let it go if you wish. If your approach has been working for you, keep doing it. Perhaps both of us are continually writing the same things because we feel so strongly about our experiences but for… Read more »
Perhaps I should just say I agree with what Eagle34 has said above (which I do) as I have expended quite a lot of effort and energy here, too much to be left feeling that have not been heard. Marc, if you only reply with the same platitudes, which you merely repeat, then you aren’t giving what I’ve said an honest listen at all. You say you don’t believe in “should”, and spend the rest of your reply implying “should” all the way through. Marc, I didn’t say the word “coward”, you did. I have never thought of nor called… Read more »
Eagle34: It sounds like you are talking about forgiveness as a mutual exchange. I am not. If the word “forgiveness” is the problem, what if this was all about just letting go of anger resulting from a particular person or event? This essay is about why releasing the anger you are holding onto can benefit you. It has been very beneficial for many people, myself included. I don’t expect it to work for everyone. My envisioned target was more for people who hadn’t considered it or thought about the possible detriments to holding onto anger. Obviously, you have explored this… Read more »
Marc: “The forgiveness is about you. If that person refuses to take responsibility for his or her actions, that is not something you can change.” Then why bother with forgiving these people then? Forgiveness is a two way street. If a person still has issues they refuse to even acknowledge about themselves which lead to their abusing others in the first place, why give these people the time of day? This is another example of letting people have power over you: Giving every inch and getting screwed. Letting them walk all over you in the name of forgiveness and compassion.… Read more »
I predicted a response like this, Marc. I can respect that you have a right to your opinions and beliefs, but only if you truly respect the opinion and beliefs of others, even those who don’t agree with you. To suggest that you think those of us who disagree are in “competition to see who has had it the worst” or to make assumptions that we are holding on to pain and anger for their own sake is not offering us respect. I offered my own personal experience in the attempt to help you and others to see that some… Read more »
Hello W.R.R., This topic is obviously (and with good reason) very deeply personal to you and the fact that you can even read something about forgiveness and comment on it is a credit to how strong you are. I do not mean to give impressions that anyone “should” do anything. I am not a fan of “shoulds.” I also did my best both in the essay and my comment above to show that I do in fact respect the opinions of those who disagree with me. Again, I cannot control the behavior of others, only my own. The best I… Read more »
Marc, with all due respect, your answer had nothing to do with the question I posed to you. I will post it again: “What about people that have done you harm yet refuse to take responsibility for it? Even years later, you are humble but they just dodge the issue, blaming everything but themselves, even going so far as to still make you the culprit for their actions?” This is very important as you keep going on about forgiveness. Let me put it more plainly: There are people out there who are just plain scum. Pure and simple. Even if… Read more »
Hi Eagle34, I did not mean to give the impression that I was ignoring your question, but rather hoped that a more general reply would give the basic gist of my answer. My statement that we cannot control the actions of others is what I’d hoped would cover your question. The forgiveness is about you. If that person refuses to take responsibility for his or her actions, that is not something you can change. Perhaps it is part of our own path to be able to forgive someone who does not accept wrongdoing and does not wish to change. We… Read more »
Thanks to everyone for sharing your comments and critiques. Obviously, this is a touchy subject, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to write about it. As a blog post, it is not meant as a thorough examination of the pros and cons of forgiving, but a general overview taken from the perspective that most people do not want, nor feel a need to forgive. I understand that stance and can see why many people feel there is a benefit for holding onto anger. As I wrote, I think everyone has a right to feel angry or depressed… Read more »
As a blog post, it is not meant as a thorough examination of the pros and cons of forgiving, but a general overview taken from the perspective that most people do not want, nor feel a need to forgive. I understand that stance and can see why many people feel there is a benefit for holding onto anger. As I wrote, I think everyone has a right to feel angry or depressed over whatever travesty they’ve undergone. I just also think that when we cling to it, it becomes detrimental to our mental and physical health. It’s definitely not a… Read more »
In addition, I would never tell somebody else they shouldn’t forgive if they choose to. It’s nobody’s place to make those decisions for another person. However, you can read in the link below that there are benefits to choosing not to forgive. When arguing for your position or opinion, a good debate writer should at least acknowledge that other views and different evidence exist.
That PsychologyToday link didn’t post right, trying again:
http://m.psychologytoday.com/articles/199907/must-you-forgive
To me, the “strongest men” are Sandusky’s accusers, who faced the monster that brought ruin to their lives and brought him to justice. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
Great essay! I have to read this every day to remind myself to let go….so hard!
I agree with Bill and Mike. This essay tells just one aspect of my many abusers, a “man of God”, who raped me almost every Saturday for years starting when I was five. He paid my father for the chance to rape me, like several other men: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-good-life-now-i-lay-me-down/2/ Then there is this, proof to me that forgiveness of abusers can greatly harm the abused: http://m.psychologytoday.com/articles/199907/must-you-forgive If somebody stole your boyfriend, fine, forgive them if you feel you want to. For those people you cite, who chose to forgive her child rapist and the murderer of his family? If that is their… Read more »
They would also be delighted to know that I still thought of them. Best to keep them ignorant.
I agree with the observation that being able to “let go” and not dwell on the wrongs suffered at the hands of others is a good idea. After all, we do have to get on with the rest of our lives. But the idea of writing letters of forgiveness to evil persons does not impress me. Sorry, but I think it’s a dumb idea. If I were to write letters of forgiveness to bullies who had tried for years in school to make my life miserable, they would think I’d lost my mind. In fact, they might even view such… Read more »
Forgiveness can be useful, however it is dramatically overstated in our culture. Anger gives the energy and power to change things. This is why it is so dangerous and disruptive. Putting Sandusky in prison for 500 years is not an act of forgiveness, it is a statement that what he did was completely unacceptable. Marching for civil rights is far more powerful than forgiving the oppressors. Demanding equal pay for equal work, standing up to a bullying boss, all of these require anger. This is anger that we should support. Carefully channelled anger is a force for good and change… Read more »
Should Sandusky’s rape victims send him letters of forgiveness? I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but that’s nonsense.
I just have a question, Marc. What about people that have done you harm yet refuse to take responsibility for it? Even years later, you are humble but they just dodge the issue, blaming everything but themselves, even going so far as to still make you the culprit for their actions? Yes, forgiveness is necessary towards healing. But, in my opinion, people who continue to not own up to the actions that caused you real harm are just a waste of your charity and kindness. In fact, appeasing these people isn’t healthy at all for the healing process. There has… Read more »