No matter how you categorize it, rejection hurts and it’s deeply personal. But it can be handled with grace and aplomb.
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Everyone is talking about the guy who created the spreadsheet listing the reasons his wife refused to have sex with him. Well, maybe not everyone, but a hell of a lot of people.
My colleague here at The Good Men Project, Orin Hahn, took the man to task in a piece this morning, for not tuning in to his wife’s mood or making the effort to connect emotionally before asking to connect physically, and for channeling the pain he felt into what came across as an attack. Both points are valid.
While this husband took a wrong and essentially toxic approach to soothing his pain, it’s possible that his wife took an equally wrong and toxic approach to saying no.
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But the man’s pain is valid, too. And while this husband took a wrong and essentially toxic approach to soothing his pain, it’s possible that his wife took an equally wrong and toxic approach to saying no. That she didn’t tune in to her husband’s need for human contact and affection and turn him down gracefully with a nod toward a future encounter. We don’t have the full context or know all they dynamics of the marriage, but whatever she did clearly made her husband feel unwanted, unattractive, unnecessary, and unloved.
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There is saying no.
And there is saying, no thanks.
And then there is saying, with words or expression, no, not now, but I still want you and dig you and need you and love you.
Followed, perhaps, by initiating at another time.
There is the kind of rejection that embodies acceptance. That blunts the hurt. That doesn’t crush intimacy but tries to preserve it.
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Sex, even in marriage, is not an entitlement. Consent is always needed.
And pouting, particularly in public, is never appropriate.
But here’s the thing. Generally, men are the initiators and women the arbiters of yes or no.
A woman who is not in the mood—for whatever reason—can make her partner feel useless, irrelevant, needy, sex-hungry, and sexually dysfunctional.
There is the kind of rejection that embodies acceptance. That blunts the hurt. That doesn’t crush intimacy but tries to preserve it.
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Or she can acknowledge his human desires and show him how to meet her needs if he wants to connect.
The following passage from a piece I wrote titled “3 Things a Man Fears Most: An Exposé of the Male Psyche” describes it best.
No matter how much courage we’ve summoned, how firmly we’ve convinced ourselves we don’t care about the outcome, and how much healthy self-esteem we possess, hearing no hurts deeply on the inside. A graceful no hurts a great deal less, while cruel, dismissive, ungrateful rejection drives a knife through the male psyche.
So yes, men need to learn to meet women where they are, to pursue emotional before physical connection, and not to lash out when they’re turned down—to handle rejection gracefully. But it’s much easier to take rejection gracefully when it’s given gracefully, when it’s handled kindly and with love.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Toxic? Writing a spreadsheet and detailing excuses given to reject your partner isn’t at all toxic in my book, it’s probably a bit odd but seriously it’s just a form of sexual diary and can show why it hurts him so much (like saying you’re too dirty but you don’t shower till the next day). I find it a bit disturbing how many find his spreadsheet disturbing, unless I am clearly missing something…It is my understanding he emailed her a private spreadsheet which she uploaded online. If he actually put it online then that is toxic but if it was… Read more »