One dad made an unusual choice, and the story struck a real nerve. Here’s what a group of our writers had to say.
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I read the story with surprise and admiration. A father coming into his living room one morning finds his 17 year-old daughter stretched out on the couch with a boy he doesn’t know. They’re both naked.
“That boy would have received a beat down and thrown out of the house. Sorry. No chances if a young man were ever to disrespect my daughter, and my house, in such a way.”
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This is where the father flies into a rage, scares the boy within an inch of his life (or, as comments have suggested, BEATS him within an inch of his life) throws the young man out of his house with threats of how much worse he’s going to get it if he ever shows his face again, and then turns his ire on his daughter, right?
Well that isn’t how this story goes.
This father showed such restraint and compassion for those young people, both in the shock of the discovery and the ongoing relationship with his daughters lover, and the ending was so heartening, that I was inspired to share it on my Facebook page with a simple comment, “Yeah, I cried.”
And then my Facebook blew up. Nearly 500 shares and likes combined, and the comments came thick and fast. Most comments were supportive of the father’s decision, one person called it “Love in action” and another commented “Always try kindness first – you never know what will happen.”
But not everyone felt kindness was called for. One disturbing thread started with a father who said, “That boy would have received a beat down and thrown out of the house. Sorry. No chances if a young man were ever to disrespect my daughter, and my house, in such a way.”
That father continued to insist that his use of violence would be to “defend his home and his family” (because a naked young man who has already had sex, or not, with your daughter and is now sound asleep is likely to be a real threat?)
Thrashing the guest or your child is unlikely to create children who grow up as adults with healthy relationships.
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Another person went so far as to assume that, since I and my friends didn’t endorse violence and felt that the father had made reasonable and loving choices, we sounded “… like the type of parents that host underage drinking parties. Rationalizing, ‘well, they were going to drink anyway’ smh.” (For the record, I don’t think that describes my friends and I know it doesn’t describe me.)
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In fact, the comments were so polarizing I reached out to our community of writers and asked their thoughts. Here’s what they offered up:
Doug Wagner – This post really made me think. I don’t think you have to handle the situation just like the story did but there are some important themes in the story and many of the comments I saw.
First, how would the situation be perceived if it was a son with a young woman as a guest on the couch? Would the people presume she was a predator?
Second, do fathers really believe their daughters are innocent virgins who don’t have any brains, are inept and have no will of their own around guys? Do they see all guys as predators? The young lady in the story invited the guy in.
You can set and enforce rules for children or anyone else staying in your home. But ultimately teens are going to do what teens do whether you are made aware or not. All you can really do is teach both sexes how to have healthy relationships, how to make wise choices and how to minimize the health and pregnancy risks.
Thrashing the guest or your child is unlikely to create children who grow up as adults with healthy relationships.
What I can control, are the values and examples that I set every day. From there I will unleash these young woman into the world, and know they will make choices based on what I’ve shown them, how a man, loves a woman.
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Sean Ackerman — As a father of a 21 yr old son, and two daughters, 11 and 13 it made me reflect on my relationship with my wife in a different light. As we have grown older I have come to forget that the woman I married was once a little girl like my own daughters. As I contemplate my reaction, of course a knee jerk, “throw him out on his ear” comes to mind, as an overprotective, helicopter parent.
Yet, my wife, like my daughters someday will find love and (God forbid) passion in the arms of someone they care for deeply. What I can control, are the values and examples that I set every day. From there I will unleash these young woman into the world, and know they will make choices based on what I’ve shown them, how a man, loves a woman.
Danny Gibbs — I’d say it was a bit unexpected. Instead of flying into a rage at him sleeping with his daughter he took the time to get to know his situation and even helped him. For him to do this is just….interesting. Maybe it marks a shift in the way old men and young men interact.
Lori Daniel — Interesting outcome for sure. Not many parents would have such an unorthodox approach….heck probably none…this is truly rare.
What I got most out of this story is something I shared with my own kids years ago….everyone you encounter has a story so never rush to judgment because you don’t know their journey.
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For myself, I see a father whose first question was, “How do I turn this into a positive learning experience for these kids?” He certainly held all the power; he didn’t relinquish the option to remove the young man from his home at any time he chose. He allowed his daughter to make her own mistakes, but he was right there as a guide and safety net, watching over every move. And now, 15 years later, those kids are married, have a business of their own, and have brought three beautiful children into the family.
I think this father is happy with his choice. What do you think?
If there was one person disrespecting the home, It was the daughter. That is if there were rules set about no visitors staying overnight. I would’ve been mad not because they had sex, but because they had no consideration or respect. I would have been mad even if they were 20 something and I found them. I think my own mother would be mad if she finds me in her sofa naked with another man and I am 41. Also if my son get beaten by a man who thinks his little princess was “seduced” by him, I will press… Read more »
I think I must be one of the few people who don’t understand the issue.
You handle this the same way you do when you catch them masturbating… or singing in to a hairbrush and dancing when they thought they were alone.
Was the dad under the impression it is his job to keep his girl from choosing to have sex? As a guy who lost his virginity at 15 this whole thing feels like control over sexuality.
If we had proper sex education like they have in Europe, situations like this would not be completely eliminated, but they could be reduced; but, in the USA, that is not going to happen. There was a school in Texas that had an outbreak of some STMD because it only had an abstinence curriculum,
“One disturbing thread started with a father who said, “That boy would have received a beat down and thrown out of the house. Sorry. No chances if a young man were ever to disrespect my daughter, and my house, in such a way.”” It’s sad that this father starts out on a faulty premise. Why make the assumption that your daughter choosing to have a sexual relationship with a young man = that young man disrespecting your daughter? Is sex inherently disrespectful? If not, why assume he was disrespecting her? It seems like a shame-based ideology of sex that if… Read more »
To many men, if not most, sex is a power battle. A game where men win and women lose (their morals, dignity, honor, respect, et cetera); where men use and women are used; where men take and women give (pleasure, control, et cetera); where men dominate and women submit; where men become better humans and women less desirable; where penises have power and vaginas don’t; where men deserve all of the pleasure and freedom but women are humiliated for wanting it as well. They see their own sexual relations like that, so of course that will be projected. That comes… Read more »
Lolabunny
So you think most fathers see daughters as their own sexual objects?
It happens ones in a while but I do not think this is how most fathers feel and think.
I think that the BS I just saw in that article is another reminder of the moral decay in thus country. Now my response…. I would wake both kids up and send the daughter to dress in her room. I would then instruct the boy to clothe himself and to sit down. I would then pray with the boy and ask the Lord for wisdom for the boy so that he may realize that if he ever was found or witnessed to be in the presence of my daughter again before her 18th birthday that I would need the Lord’… Read more »
You do realize that if you do take this path of threatening violence on the young man, your daughter will just continue to see him and have sex with him behind your back, ensuring that they are more careful about not getting caught, right?
Humans will be humans. Sexual beings will have sex. It is much better to have an open, honest, and respectful relationship with your daughter so that she can make positive, healthy choices. Threatening the young men she cares for will not foster this kind of relationship.
Cecilia, I understand what you’re saying and this young ladies view is not anything that happen overnight. Perhaps this is why the dad was so accommodating. As I mentioned in my earlier response, it’s an issue that I didn’t have to deal with because my kids were raised with a different set of values.
I don’t remember how old this boy was. If he was 18+, then he’s lucky dad didn’t file charges.
Knocking some sense into kids. Yeah that is a good one considering the fact many adults should have some sense knock into their heads. But I guess that when you are an older adult, the rules don’t apply to you and adults would not like it if the kids use violence to knock some sense into the adults into following the same rules that kids have to follow.
For one thing, Whereas the original story stated the young man wa bare naked, showing a picture of a couple fully clothed doesn’t properly reflect the situation, much less showing two people who are obviously older then the ones in the story. I read the original story and some portions were left out. It’s my understanding that the young man came from a troubled home and eventually moved in with this family.. What would bother me more about this story is how the dad allowed this young man to wake up, buck naked and get dressed in front of the… Read more »
For one thing, showing a picture of a couple fully clothed doesn’t properly reflect the situation, much less showing two people who are obviously older then the ones in the story. I read the original story and some portions were left out. It’s my understanding that the young man came from a troubled home and eventually moved in with this family.. What would bother me more about this story is how the dad allowed this young man to wake up, buck naked and get dressed in front of the rest of his family including his wife and other “children.” How… Read more »
Please delete one of these? Double posted. Thanks
As I quickly approach the point where this may become an issue for my own daughter, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I will handl her budding sexuality. I have ideals those state that having sex is normal and healthy and her sex has absolutely nothing to do with me as long as she’s being responsible, but finding her naked I
with a young kid on my couch is still terrifying.
Agreed – I bet the father was terrified and enraged. But he chose not to respond from that place. For ME that is the biggest lesson – that our initial reaction isn’t always the best response.
This is obviously food for thought. Hopefully it is doing what it should be doing.
Making everyone stop and think.
You were once that young man and your wife was once like your daughter. Teach them things that you wish someone had taught to you. Not tell them what you should or shouldn’t have done – what you would have maybe listened to/heard. At the end of the day that woman/ girl is someone’s daughter and it could be yours!
Yes, I do hope it will make people think. Some people aren’t going to think, they’re going to react. But the whole point is that this father DID think before he reacted, which led to a response that resulted in a happy outcome.
You wonder how many of these dads are hypocrites when they have done the same thing?
I wonder mostly if they think about their daughter at all, or only THEIR standards for their daughter. This “child” is 17 – in 1-364 days they lose control. What they choose today determines their INFLUENCE. So yes, many of them probably did something similar “to” someone else’s daughter, but mostly they’re risking their ongoing relationship with their own child. Sad.
I would try not to worry. My daughters will have the best sex education + relationship education I could arm them with, be raised to understand and follow consenting, enthusiastic sex and I would want them to know they are always able to come for me if they need help.
That father is amazing.
Love your curriculum – feeling safe talking to parents is perhaps the greatest gift you can give a child.