F***ing and Making Love: What’s the Difference, Men?

Sherri Rosen went in search of some answers.

I was curious on what is going on with men and whether they know the difference between fucking and making love.  So I decided to have a set of 10 questions to ask many different males—different races, ages, single, married—to see what they had to say.

Before we start, we need some distinction between “making love” and “fucking.” Fucking, Wikipedia says, is “the act of sexual intercourse.” Making love, says Wikipedia: “It’s a bonding, a reinforcement of the partners commitment to one another.”

Now here are the responses.

♦◊♦

Lawrence, 65

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about it?

I’m writing this in the context of a long, healthy marriage. I think we express both in the marriage. We have a lot of intimacy, a lot of fun, some playful aggression and the occasional fight. All of it is the substance of love making, which we generally think is ongoing. It’s like extended foreplay. Then suddenly, for no particular reason unless one of us asks for it, there’s sexual intercourse . . . or sexual commerce in its many manifestations.

Other times, it’s just plain fucking. A “let’s get it done, and move on.” I like that we can be so direct with one another.

Do you care about the difference?

I think the difference makes the relationship richer.

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck?

I think it goes without saying. As soon as you say couple, you’re saying it’s not a one-night stand. And couples want to please one another. If they don’t, then it’s not a couple. It’s 2 individuals occupying the same space.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

Gotta do it. Again, enriches the relationship. You don’t want a one note symphony, gets boring. And I don’t know your instrument as well as I know mine, so I gotta hear from you.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

Sure. It’s better. See the symphony analogy. It’s a whole orchestra when you’re married, lots of different notes and tones, some of them quite base and dark. Others light and airy. Single, it’s more like a band.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

Come on, especially as your life gets complicated . . . lots of demands upon time and creativity . . .

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

I think it’s got a lot to do with age and maturity. These are the distinctions of age, a wine mellowed to full fruitiness. They are also the distinctions of sanity. I’ve been plenty insane in my time, and slept with plenty of similar crazies. Fact is, you’ve got to be sober to enjoy the most expensive and rarest wines. If you are crazy drunk, even Thunderbird looks good to you.

♦◊♦

Mike, 38

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about it?

Not sure if I “know” the difference. The first time I thought about it was when I was 13 when I saw Eddie Murphy Raw. Eddie got caught by his girlfriend cheating with another woman. His defense to her: “Yes, I fucked her! I fucked her! But I make love to you.”

What is fucking to you? What is making love to you?

Sometimes fucking falls under the umbrella of making love and sometimes they can be considered opposites. In general, both are done passionately with consideration to your partner. Making love is perhaps a little slower, giving more time for romance and satisfying your partner’s emotional and physical needs. Fucking is consensual sex that is intense, aggressive and more about taking control. In my experience, the power factor heightens the level of excitement. Both ‘making love’ and ‘fucking’ are necessary for a healthy sexual relationship.

Do you care about the difference?

I think there is a time and a place for each.

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck?

Couples should always try to please each other, even when they are fucking.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you ?

Very comfortable.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

I don’t know.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

Quality.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

I think most of my previous partners share my point of view. All of them wanted to make love as well as get fucked.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

Absolutely.

♦◊♦

J., 35

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about the difference?

Yes.

What is fucking to you? What is making love

Some consider them to be the same. One is a physical act alone. The other seems to go beyond intercourse to include an emotional component as well. In the book of Corinthians, we see that love is, amongst other things, patient, selfless, honoring, and protecting. Making love, to me, seems to embody those traits and resides with a sense of intimacy.

Do you care about the difference?

Yes!

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or you do not care?

I generally hope that things go well for couples. I love seeing a balanced sense of harmony. I know that when people try to act selflessly that it is contagious and usually leads to a greater emotional and spiritual connection. I think, therefore, that it is important for couples that want that connection to share the spotlight with their partners.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

Seems healthy and reasonable to me.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

I never slept with my wife until we were married. I love that our entire relationship was founded on the non-sexual, since those are the things that seem to outlast the physical. Our bodies decay, break down, and change. Sharing the experience with someone I am now in a committed relationship with makes it somehow more special to me.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

Neither. I think that it is the connection to my partner that is most important. Sometimes it is frequent and sometimes not as much. I see how some could argue that both frequency and quality are important.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

Yes.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

Sometimes intercourse is more casual and sometimes more drawn out and formal. But because we are committed to one another, however we do it is in the context of love.

♦◊♦

John, 43

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about it?

Yes, I have thought about this. I think I have a reasonably good understanding of what these things mean.

What is fucking to you? What is making love?

I think sex is different things at different times in different contexts. The range of experiences we can have through sex seems pretty broad to me. However, I think it makes sense to talk about the difference between sex that includes a significant emotional connection, which is what I would call “making love”, and sex without that type of connection, which is what I would call “fucking”.

Do you care about the difference?

I definitely do care about the difference. For me, sex has always been a pretty emotional experience, so I don’t have much experience with sex without a real connection. In that sense, I’m not sure if I’ve ever had sex I would consider “just fucking.” It’s not that just plain fucking isn’t part of my fantasy life, but it really feels like that to me, just a fantasy that I can enjoy but don’t feel particularly interested in making a reality.

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck?

I certainly feel it’s important for a couple to please one another. But I think pleasing means consenting adults each getting what they want from the interaction. This might include making love, or fucking, or whatever. I think the biggest issue is not what type of sex a couple has, but whether they can meet each other needs, even if those needs are different.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

I feel great about it. Talking about our wants and needs is a way of being close, separate from the physical connection of sex. The non-verbal communication is great too. I don’t think I can really even differentiate between communicating about sex and sex itself, since it all feels like part of the sexual experience and connection.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

Yes, for me, sex has been different being married. I know it sounds schmaltzy or cliche, but for me, married sex has been great. Of course our sex life, just like other aspects of our married life, goes though ups and downs. But I have a partner who is sex-positive, non-judgmental, experimental, open-minded, and above all, interested in me, our sex life, and our marriage. There is an underlying feeling of “we are in it together” that makes the ups awesome and the downs not so bad. I wish I could describe it better than that, since it feels more significant than my words seem to convey, but that’s all I can think to say.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

I think it’s the quality of the sex that’s important, but that includes all sorts of factors. I’m a fan of frequent sex, and miss it when it doesn’t happen, but having lots of sex that was just “getting off” doesn’t interest me as much as having great sexual experiences when we do. Sometimes we just fuck, though there is still an emotional connection just from the context of our relationship. I’m also a big fan of long slow emotional sex, and everything in between. My wife an I are also both big fans of lots of kissing (sometimes just kissing), and sometimes also of intense emotional connection without anything physical. I guess I’m a fan of variety, within our relationship.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

I think my wife has a very good understanding of what sex, in it’s various forms, and what it means to our relationship. When we first got together, I had a lot of fairly distorted views and feelings about sex, from some bad previous relationships, and I learned a lot from my wife about all the different ways sex could be a positive thing. I think my previous partners (female and male) had a lot of confusion and judgement about sex, and while sex was certainly great at times, it didn’t have the spiritual depth that is has in my current relationship.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

I think meeting the needs of both the people in the relationship is important. If that means fucking, then great. If that means making love, then great. If there’s no common ground whether both partners can get their needs met, then that’s a problem.

♦◊♦

Carlos, 55

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love?  Have you ever thought about it?

Sure, one is selfish, the other is shared for both parties’ enjoyment. Making love is all about focusing on what will give pleasure to the other person before finding pleasure for yourself.

What is fucking to you? What is making love?

Fucking is just straight up intercourse; no preamble. Making love is oodles of foreplay.

Do you care about the difference?

Of course, fucking is for kids. Making love is for adults.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

A little dirty talk is spicy sauce for the palate.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

Much more comfortable. Nothing to prove. Expectations are always met. No disappointment possible. If you don’t get it right the first time, try back in an hour.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

There is no judgment on the quality of sex among long-married couples. It’s always good. Even when its not good, its good.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

Some of them do. The more a woman enjoys sex; the more she knows the difference. Some woman don’t care.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

Just fucking happens, sometimes, but making love has to be a 90% of the time occurrence.

—Photo Modern Relics/Flickr

About Sherri Rosen

Sherri Rosen began her own publicity firm in NYC more than sixteen years ago. She gives a powerful voice to people that are doing great things in the world. Sherri also writes for Redhead's Rap at Sherri Rosen Publicity Intl, NYC, Mr. Bellers Neighborhood and Elephant Journal. You can connect with her on Twitter and Facebook.

Comments

  1. This is interesting. I agree with most of them, but not Carlos on this point: “Fucking is just straight up intercourse; no preamble. Making love is oodles of foreplay.”

    Fucking can totally have lots of foreplay. And I don’t think it’s really selfish, I just feel it’s.. uh, dirtier I guess. Pure sex, not romantic. I mean, most of the sex in porn is just fucking and there is a ton of foreplay.

    But whatever. Both are totally awesome. Both are necessary in a relationship.

  2. Sebastian lighten up.

  3. hmmm smell the sexism, people. It’s for men and women alike! “No dude would ever ask such a stupid question.” That’s right, men are stupid for being interested in relationship questions. Don’t you know, being stupid is for women!

    • What makes you think men are interested in this question?

      • What makes you think they aren’t? Or shouldn’t be?

        (Sounds to me like you’ve probably never really made love.)

        Feelings aren’t just for “chicks.”

      • You may have a point, men mostly just want to get their rocks off

        • Gee, what happened to that moderating policy about sweeping and negative stereotypes?

        • Alice I also feel women like to get their rocks off too

          • Julie Gillis says:

            They do, and Alice those are pretty big generalizations there.

            • Alice is the generalizer-in-chief.

            • I promise if someone could prove to me that most men are not like what I see, then I will change. I would even come on this site and write an article about my change, but until then…

            • Tom Brechlin says:

              What you see? Maybe you need to look in other places? Most men that I see are not out for a quicky, “wham bam thank you man” ….

              I did a quick search on some stats about teens and this is what I came up with. “More than 400,000 teen girls aged 15–19 years gave birth in 2009” Now tell me where the girls / womens heads are at? These are “gave births” which don’t include the ones that didn’t.

              To paint this as a male thing is out and out wrong. Obviously men do have more sex partners and studies show that men enjoy sex more then women but that’s not to say that women aren’t out for fun too.

            • …and nowhere did i say women dont like to have fun…

              Maybe you need to look in other places? Most men that I see are not out for a quicky, “wham bam thank you man” ….
              It seems to men just aren’t that picky about about sex…An d most men are not contemplating making love vs fucking unless they need some kind of justification for their actions. Men do seem to be highly motivated to get sex, and hence my statement.

          • The operative words were “mostly just.” Women do want to have fun, but tend to want other things as well. Men and women are, well, different.

            • No. We are not different.

              We are two halves of a pair-bonding species. In a pair-bonding species both the male and the female desire pair-bonds and promiscuity equally, although the circumstances and motivations may change slightly.

    • Artemis: “hmmm smell the sexism, people. It’s for men and women alike! “No dude would ever ask such a stupid question.” That’s right, men are stupid for being interested in relationship questions. Don’t you know, being stupid is for women!”

      Its not “sexism”. And it isn’t a relationship question. Its just reality – women are hung up on how they are perceived by others and are emotionally needy, even to themselves. These labels are women things. Men don’t care.

      • Sebastian you are a very angry man and full of judgements. How could any of us ever have a smart dialogue with you

      • Generally when you say, “Men like this” “women do that” you are making generaliztions of sexist stereotypes. You are implying men are not interested in relationships or even labels. (some men are, some men aren’t) You are implying women care about labels and they are emotionally needy (some are, some aren’t).

        Generalizations about sexes = sexist comments.

        And now that you have made it so blatant:”Its just reality – women are hung up on how they are perceived by others and are emotionally needy, even to themselves. These labels are women things. Men don’t care.” Misogyny. Boom.

  4. I’m just saying…..the only difference between making love and fucking is an emotional (subjective) label of the context, ie, the “relationship” aspect. And really who cares? Women will always try to have their cake and eat it too, (not that men don’t also – thats human nature). The only difference is men don’t have the ability to use sex as a weapon.

  5. Hey Sebastian I haven’t a clue whether men are interested in this article. Let’s find out by the comments.
    Come back in a few days.

    • Anthony Zarat says:

      Comments don’t mean a thing. Men’s comments will likely answer a very different question than what you asked.

      You are interested in the difference as it pertains to relationship issues.
      Men will be interested in the difference as it pertains to risk.

      The two carry very different risks:

      F-ing: Risk of false accusations of DV and/or SA, which can be mitigated through video/audio technology.

      Making L: This activity is unacceptably hazardous. It carries a 50% risk of loss of property, loss of income, loss of dignity, loss of liberty (prison), and (most of all) loss of children. Only a fool would ever engage in this activity.

      Men will answer the question that matters to us, not the question that matters to you.

  6. For me, fucking has ‘wrestling in mud, yeehaa’ headspace/feel.
    Making lurrrve, has a different spiritual headspace – that of a bonding ritual, even if it is vigorous and aggressive.

  7. As a guy, I think there is space for both in a relationship- the tender, ascending, slow burn, and the animalistic, messy collision.. it depends on the emotional and physical needs of both parties at any given time.. That’s why it’s impotant to have those communication channels open at all times. You want to be sensitive to your partner’s needs (and vice versa).

  8. Anthony Zarat says:

    Fucking is safe.
    Making love is dangerous.

    That is the difference.

  9. I actually encountered this question a few years back expressed as a joke.

    Q: What’s the difference between fucking and making love?
    A: Fucking is cheaper.

  10. What’s interesting is that in earlier generations, as you see in some of the old black and white romantic comedies, “making love” was a phrase people used to refer to wooing, or the things you do when you’re courting, and not as a phrase that meant having sex. They used “making love” to mean things like gazing into each other’s eyes, kissing, holding hands, calling each other sweetheart. It was a pretty chaste, before-first-base expression. (In the batter’s box you might say.) At some point “making love” became the home run.

    Before anyone says aww, isn’t that sweet, don’t get me wrong, people back then had just as much sex inside and outside marriage as they do today, they just used different language. We drop the f-bomb in movies and they didn’t, but that’s because of movie industry censorship, not because they really were more chaste.

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Wrong!!! No, back then when you had sex outside marraige it was called “promiscuity” and NO, most did not do that. I lived back then (though I was a youngster in the 60’s) I know what my parents generation believed and fortunately I have carried those beliefs in my life.

      I have never fucked my wife of 37 years, never had anyone other then her and that didn’t start until we got married. OMG, doi I mean we were both virgins? Hell yes! As was my daughter and is my son. Believe it or not, even people today can wait. BTW, making love doesn’t have to have intercourse. Romance is a lost art. I feel sorry for people these days. My romance with my wife is as strong as ever.

      One last thing. I know many couples my age with long marriages and were virgins when they got married (something we did in the old days, even during the sexual revolution of the 60’s and 70’s). IMO, people who waited till marriage had / have a heads up in that the two of them learn and grow together as a couple. Why would I ever be interested in someone else when I have the best and the only one for me?

      • Your message may be conflating two different but related things: social stigma against a behavior and the frequency of the behavior. In other words, just because people acted scandalous and said the right words about sex outside marriage, and just because they treated it as a taboo does not mean that therefore they obeyed these rules. The Baby Boom parents swept a lot of things under the rug that don’t really mesh with the Norman Rockwell image – alcoholism, skyrocketing addiction to tranquilizers (“mother’s little helper”), etc. The 1950’s also introduced the world to the beatniks and Hugh Hefner. They did a lot of the same things. They just had bigger, deeper rugs to hide it under.

        It seems to me that making something taboo or making it something that you can’t even talk about does not really prevent the activity. By that logic, Baby Boomers never masturbated, either. I find that hard to believe.

        I can understand longing for a generation that had better discretion. I’m right behind you on that one. I’m not a big fan of what the kids call “oversharing” or “TMI.”

        I concede that I may have exaggerated to say that they did it exactly as much as we do today. I just don’t think that it’s a black and white difference. They had more incentive to keep quiet about it, but that’s not the same as not doing it.

        • Tom Brechlin says:

          Thank you for your honesty and I understand what you’re saying. Oh yeah, back then there were plenty of things swept under many rugs but the difference now is that the things that were swept under the rugs back thing are now put out there are being cool and totally acceptable. A lot of people don’t know but I had sex ed in grade school, a Catholic grade school in the 60’s.

          Back then though, repercussions for poor behavior was severe … there was a reason why it was swept. There was actual shame for some of the things that were happening. Now many of the same things are celebrated and outwardly promoted.

          I know all about Playboy, my brother dated a bunny and I have to tell ya the cups in those outfits were rigged. Nonetheless, Hugh did bring slutty to classy though. Of course I only read the magazine for the articles.

          Thanks again for your honesty

      • Don’t believe me- look it up…. and if I have time I’ll refined the stats.
        The % of unpregnant brides, in the US, went down post 1960s…
        It was so prevelant in the 19th century that there was debate about what the gestation period for humans is…… Of course this was back when MDs hadn’t embraced the germ theory and gynecologist’s masturbated their patients….

  11. Unfortunately my replies are not in the order of who I responded to so it’s giving the wrong impression of who I am responding to. I now realize I need to put the name down of the person iq responding to

  12. Well except for an old fuddy duddy (who is likely fooling himself about his children’s sexual history) I think the comments reveal a profound lack of interest in this topic. Making love is nothing more than a woman’s label , and an emotional assessment. Possibly also useful for rationalizing or legitimizing behavior she is ashamed of (for whatever reason).

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Well this “Old fuddy duddy” happens to know about his kids and their lives. Something that a lot of fathers don’t accomplish. Making love is GREAT …. take it from an old fuddy duddy, life can be good if ya want it. I feel sorry for generations after mine, missing out on a lot. BTW, this old fuddy duddy is only 57, not yet ready for the old folks home. Maybe it is a womens label but comes from an age when women were women and didn’t have to perove anything to anyone.

      In so far as my kids sexual history, believe it or not and studies show it, not everyone is interested in bedding down with whom ever, when ever. BTW, thanks for the compliment, it’s a heck of a lot better then the labels guys have these days … you know, the “metrosexual” stuff?

  13. Wait. So men don’t have feelings and only want sex? Good to know. So they won’t care if I get my rocks off with other people as long as they’re still having hot sex with me. :)

  14. I don’t see how he’s angry. Is it because he disagrees?

  15. Tom Brechlin says:

    I think Sebastian chews on a lot of ice, eats chocolate and peeling labels off of beer bottles …. I know most of you won’t know what that means.

  16. I do not have any experience in either of two activities, but I have clear understanding with other verb associated with it.

    1) F@#k and forget: The first act is associated with forgetting which implies that it does not register in long term memory and is just instantaneous relief.
    2) Love and lost : Here the second act is associated with losing. Now what and how much the guy will lose depends on whether he is married to her or not.

  17. Simple – Joe Pesci would never say “go make love yourself” in a movie. There you go, sport. 😉

  18. Henry Vandenburgh says:

    If I can’t make love, I don’t fuck. Simple.

  19. One guy’s opinion:

    The key differences are emotional and physiological.

    Making love requires that you like the other person at a minimum level, but fucking does not require that. You can also fuck (with) someone that you love, so being in love doesn’t necessarily mean that your sex will always be making love and never fucking. In that way, loving the other person gives you more options.

    Fucking has the connotation of an object going in and out of an aperture. It connotes a very specific kind of contact, with friction running the whole show. It suggests the use of the really large muscle groups connected to the pelvis, some type of major clenching/thrusting. Making love involves a much bigger range of interactions between/among people. You can actually have moments of fucking that are part of making love, though usually not the other way around.

    It’s not a black and white distinction, because two people can love each other and be making love and still do a little fucking.

    In other words, fucking makes you sore, while making love warms your heart, but there’s no reason you can’t do both.

  20. “Making love” is what you call fucking when you’re with a girl who doesn’t like to call it fucking. Love is what sometimes happens during the time spent together in between fucking.

  21. +1 for Mike

  22. My friend Gary, age 48 wanted to take part in this interview, but didn’t have time until now to send in his response, so I am posting his answers here. Thank you Gary. It’s never too late.
    1. Yes I know the difference and have thought about it a lot.

    2. Purely hormonal even though the primal urge can hit hard even at my age. Making love means taking time to appreciate the essence of the partner.Yes I care about the difference very much.
    4.Yes it is very important to please the partner be it a long session or a short one. Sometimes animalistic sex is all one might need.
    5Communicaing my needs and wants is the single most difficult barrier that I have yet to overcome in intimacy. It is mostly due I think to my upbringing. I was raised to be “sweet” One doesn’t get that frank in mixed company. I still can’t push over the wall.
    6. Most definitely yes because in marriage hopefully one takes time to SAVOR a partner.
    7. Since it has been over two years since my last ” encounter, quality.
    8.There haven’t been that many obviously, but yes I think they understand the difference.
    9.The difference is taking the time to slow down and SAVOR.
    10. VERY MUCH BOTH ARE NEEDED

  23. I really don’t know how to define making love. I’ve experienced it once though and recognized it immediately while my husband and I were dating. I started to cry and he said something like oh no I’m sorry I’m trying to make love to you and I’ve never done it before. I quickly let him know that I knew that he was making love to me and that was why I was crying. We’ve been together five years now. We have really amazing sex and I always orgasm but I would love for him to make love to me again. I’ve expressed this to him but he always says it doesn’t feel like the right time or mood. I’ve tried to initiate love making but he always turns our sex into something kinky. I know I could say something at that point that to me that defeats the purpose of making love. I feel like it isn’t love making unless he could feel that’s what it was…obviously he is feeling it is a fuck. All well we have a lot of other good things going for us. I have faith that one day I will get to experience love making with him again.

  24. Quadruple A says:

    1. Fucking has components that we associate with love. The desire to give oneself to another or the desire to intensely take another. Love making does so in a way that does not involve aggression or at least not the same degree of aggression.
    2. I think about the difference a lot. “Fucking” isn’t without controversy. It usually involves the man being dominant although so does “love” making. It is often theorized as connected with “rape culture” and not just at it more extreme ends of kinky sex or BDSM. It also relates to gender roles which can be constraining such as the idea that real men are aggressive.
    3. Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck? The intention behind fucking is pleasing one another.
    4. How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you? I think it is is very important for so many reasons.
    6. The Quality certainly but frequency of sex may be a quality in and of itself that gives color the relationship.

    • I disagree with your interpretation of (2). “Fucking” =/= dominant man, passive woman and it doesn’t have to have anything to do with kink or BDSM. To me, “fucking” is the times my boyfriend and I have raw animalistic sex where we are both just getting our rocks off. I can be just as aggressive and animalistic as he can!

      I think some people get into kink because they want to experience that raw sexual energy but don’t know how to express it because so many of us have been raised to repress those feelings and to be afraid of them. Women have this problem more than men, I think, but men in our culture suffer from it as well. Kink for sme reason provides a outlet where it is okay to be swept up in one’s primal desires.

      However, it’s certainly possible to experience those primal desires and have a good fuck with nothing kinky going on, just delicious raw sex!

      Anyway that’s my two cents.

      • Hi Sarah,
        Thanks for your comments. The reason I actually wrote the article was I was curious if men actually feel or know there’s a difference between fucking and making love. I wasn’t judging but just wanted to know if any of them felt there was a difference.

  25. My answers would be most like Carlos and Lawrence and I think it has to do with our ages being close. I’m in the middle of the two of them.

    I’d like to add a couple of things. I don’t believe that the more recent generations know much about “romance” which to me, is a lost art. And that at least in my marriage, “making love” doesn’t always have to result in intercourse.

    It’s nice to see that some people do know the difference. Maybe this article could be a caveat to the “What happens when we don’t teach our boys about sex?”

  26. Me- I don’t clarify energetic sex as fucking. 
    In my book the difference is-
    With a head full of coke & rail whiskey you can’t make love with someone you hate standing up in the parking lot of some bucket of blood; but you can grudge fuck her bow legged against pickup ruck until your howls drown out the dog locked in the cab…
    You can’t make love angry at your partner. 

  27. Carl Menger says:

    I hate this concept that “making love” is somehow better than just “fucking”. what I think people are trying to do is imbue their sex with more emotional content than that of another person.Well excuse me but how the hell would you know that? If one couple could spends an hour in foreplay, goes slow and says soft lovey words the whole time, are they MORE in love than the couple that rips off each others clothes and has a hot, fast, sweat 20 mins of foul mouthed pounding? Who’s to say the same loving couple didn’t do both at different times?

  28. Carl Menger says:

    Different sex acts between different partners can certainly have different emotional content, but I reject the idea that that can be determined by anybody outside the relationship

  29. I’d love to see this series of questions asked directly of women as well (accommodating for gender of course). Especially the “have you ever thought about the difference” part in question one. Some women might be a little insulted by the implications of how that question is framed. (and some men…)

  30. So I decided to have a set of 10 questions to ask many different males—different races, ages, single, married—to see what they had to say.

    I don’t know how many you asked and got answers from, but the selection published here seem to be somewhat biased towards men having been married, with a positive and regular sex life.

  31. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    If you can’t make love, don’t fuck.

    • Jerzy kaltenberg says:

      If you’re incapable of fucking, there’s no way you’ll ‘make love’. It is plain these are synonyms, a false dichotomy. Fucking is honest, making love is deceptive by design.

      • Hank Vandenburgh says:

        Anngh– I’m a romantic. Not that I haven’t gotten laid a fair amount.

      • Hank Vandenburgh says:

        Look, in fucking, you’re opening yourself way up, and they are to you, whether you believe this or not. If it’s good, there’s a psychic link, and a sense of obligation (which I think “prickish” men want to repress.) The sex isn’t that good if you don’t get to that level. Good sex should go on for hours, and not be a pathetic sneeze in a woman’s vagina.

  32. The word Fuck is often used in a violent way – ‘Fuck you” ‘Fuck off’, ‘Go Fuck yourself, MotherFucker’ and so on…. – that language appears to be a defensive and a way to attack/hurt the other person disguising our original hurt. In terms of sexual engagement it could be seen as an individualistic and selfish act – something I want to do to the other – ‘I want to fuck you’

    Making love appears to me to be much more consensual, something that two people do together, something that is creative, equal and loving.

  33. Fuck – It’s about me

    Making Love – It’s about us.

    The ideas and expression of it can be intertwined but I think that sums up the difference.

    • Anonymous says:

      But what if the two partners want to fuck each other? And the experience is about the both of them? In a way the two of them are both selfish. So in that saying they are fucking but making love at the same time.

  34. Makeing love bring the two body together the way the bible say the two will become one flash.

  35. As a woman in my 40’s, I have to say that I’m not entirely sure that I agree with this. If there’s love involved, if there’s that kind of deep emotional bond, then to me there’s no difference at all between the two terms. I love my boyfriend. To me it doesn’t matter if the sex is slow and tender or intense and urgent – both terms still apply equally well. But our term of preference is fucking – I could probably count on one hand the number of times either of us has said “making love”. But just because we prefer to call it fucking, doesn’t mean the emotional connection isn’t there.

  36. What kind of real women won’t so man just ramroding are just hit it like a hard hammer but a trick,because if you love me you won’t want to hurt the cat and the body you love ,so making love can havehave a more intense passion to it,and hot and sweaty feel to it and the man is still showing you he respect your body and you,and I’m a 45year old woman too. love in respect is alway win out to me then ducking for fun never confuse the two.

  37. But kitty I believe you ask what’s the different not what you call the two,we know what we call fucking the word say it all and love makeing Love” say it all.

  38. Jerzy kaltenberg says:

    ‘making love’ is a sensitive and artful euphemism men use in order to get to fuck. Love is the excuse, the justification human primates have developed in order to fuck, shorthand for all of that pair-bond colateral we have to at least promise to bust a nut.

  39. I think gay men have an advantage in this discussion because both Fucking and Making Love are seen as acceptable and worth while. Primarily, fucking is for pleasure, for the rush, for the chance to clash against another human being and at the same time share something potentially profound with him. Most gay men will fuck because they can, and not feel it is anything of which they need to be ashamed. Making Love is what one does with one’s lover or husband. It might follow the exact acts and diaglogue as fucking, but the focus for both partners, the true fulfillment of making love, is seeing one’s partner climax and the shared gratitude that follows and leads to the truest kind of intimacy.

  40. sex and miracles, making love is a lot like this. when our bodies are hot and wet its as close as a soap bubble moving discretely up and down the length of his penis and her vagina
    sex is a miracle of two people talking, asking, touching, stimulating each other with and without orgasm
    sex is a miracle of two people holding each other because they adore the texture
    she feels his biceps, his forearms, his hands, softly with her fingertips because seeing his body and touching him is as hot and as exciting as being touched by him

  41. I enjoyed reading the questions and answers as well as the discussion taking place in the comments section.

    Loved the variety in which Sherrie Rosen selected the panel and to sum up my sentiments towards, I’ve co-signed Carlos’s answer: “Of course, fucking is for kids. Making love is for adults.”

  42. Your men are pretty old and pretty heteronormative. None spoke of being fucked. None spoke about one leading to the other (fucking and loving; loving and fucking). Though I’m glad the ages are diverse, I’d like to hear what a 22 year gay man says about this.

  43. LaCharmine (L.A.) Jefferson says:

    In my younger years (20’s) I knew there was a difference. And I thought that difference had to do with whether you were in a relationship or not. Now in my late 30’s I know there is a place for both in all relationships.

  44. Tom Brechlin talks about teen girls between the ages of 15 to 19 getting pregnant at a very high rate with a blaming tone, as if the girls got pregnant by themselves.

    Since most young girls are coerced into having sex and rarely find it enjoyable it seems that if there’s any blame, the males that got the girls pregnant are more to blame, since the boys are just looking for a quick f*** and the girls generally give in thinking that f****** will keep the boy, which is never the case. Once a boy f**** a girl he loses interest and moves on to his next conquest.

  45. I don’t think everyone knows the difference between fucking and making love. Making love is slow sensual The feel of the touch caressing the body and the kiss. You must feel The connection. Fucken is someone that wants to bang the body like it is a hammer I don’t think they realize that, that does hurt at times when being drunk fucking is fun. I tell my boyfriend I want him to make love to me he feels like everything he does to me is making love to me I’m trying to explain to him to learn the difference between the two. At times yes I don’t mind being treated like a ragdoll but at other times I want to feel like I’m his queen.

Trackbacks

  1. […] from a gentlemen who read one of my older articles  in “The Good Men Project” called “F*cking or Making Love: What’s the Difference Men”?  This gentlemen seemed to be on the same page as me and wondered how are our young boys being […]

  2. […] This is a comment by James on the post “F***ing and Making Love: What’s the Difference, Men?“. […]

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