F***ing and Making Love: What’s the Difference, Men?

Sherri Rosen went in search of some answers.

I was curious on what is going on with men and whether they know the difference between fucking and making love.  So I decided to have a set of 10 questions to ask many different males—different races, ages, single, married—to see what they had to say.

Before we start, we need some distinction between “making love” and “fucking.” Fucking, Wikipedia says, is “the act of sexual intercourse.” Making love, says Wikipedia: “It’s a bonding, a reinforcement of the partners commitment to one another.”

Now here are the responses.

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Lawrence, 65

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about it?

I’m writing this in the context of a long, healthy marriage. I think we express both in the marriage. We have a lot of intimacy, a lot of fun, some playful aggression and the occasional fight. All of it is the substance of love making, which we generally think is ongoing. It’s like extended foreplay. Then suddenly, for no particular reason unless one of us asks for it, there’s sexual intercourse . . . or sexual commerce in its many manifestations.

Other times, it’s just plain fucking. A “let’s get it done, and move on.” I like that we can be so direct with one another.

Do you care about the difference?

I think the difference makes the relationship richer.

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck?

I think it goes without saying. As soon as you say couple, you’re saying it’s not a one-night stand. And couples want to please one another. If they don’t, then it’s not a couple. It’s 2 individuals occupying the same space.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

Gotta do it. Again, enriches the relationship. You don’t want a one note symphony, gets boring. And I don’t know your instrument as well as I know mine, so I gotta hear from you.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

Sure. It’s better. See the symphony analogy. It’s a whole orchestra when you’re married, lots of different notes and tones, some of them quite base and dark. Others light and airy. Single, it’s more like a band.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

Come on, especially as your life gets complicated . . . lots of demands upon time and creativity . . .

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

I think it’s got a lot to do with age and maturity. These are the distinctions of age, a wine mellowed to full fruitiness. They are also the distinctions of sanity. I’ve been plenty insane in my time, and slept with plenty of similar crazies. Fact is, you’ve got to be sober to enjoy the most expensive and rarest wines. If you are crazy drunk, even Thunderbird looks good to you.

♦◊♦

Mike, 38

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about it?

Not sure if I “know” the difference. The first time I thought about it was when I was 13 when I saw Eddie Murphy Raw. Eddie got caught by his girlfriend cheating with another woman. His defense to her: “Yes, I fucked her! I fucked her! But I make love to you.”

What is fucking to you? What is making love to you?

Sometimes fucking falls under the umbrella of making love and sometimes they can be considered opposites. In general, both are done passionately with consideration to your partner. Making love is perhaps a little slower, giving more time for romance and satisfying your partner’s emotional and physical needs. Fucking is consensual sex that is intense, aggressive and more about taking control. In my experience, the power factor heightens the level of excitement. Both ‘making love’ and ‘fucking’ are necessary for a healthy sexual relationship.

Do you care about the difference?

I think there is a time and a place for each.

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck?

Couples should always try to please each other, even when they are fucking.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you ?

Very comfortable.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

I don’t know.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

Quality.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

I think most of my previous partners share my point of view. All of them wanted to make love as well as get fucked.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

Absolutely.

♦◊♦

J., 35

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about the difference?

Yes.

What is fucking to you? What is making love

Some consider them to be the same. One is a physical act alone. The other seems to go beyond intercourse to include an emotional component as well. In the book of Corinthians, we see that love is, amongst other things, patient, selfless, honoring, and protecting. Making love, to me, seems to embody those traits and resides with a sense of intimacy.

Do you care about the difference?

Yes!

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or you do not care?

I generally hope that things go well for couples. I love seeing a balanced sense of harmony. I know that when people try to act selflessly that it is contagious and usually leads to a greater emotional and spiritual connection. I think, therefore, that it is important for couples that want that connection to share the spotlight with their partners.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

Seems healthy and reasonable to me.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

I never slept with my wife until we were married. I love that our entire relationship was founded on the non-sexual, since those are the things that seem to outlast the physical. Our bodies decay, break down, and change. Sharing the experience with someone I am now in a committed relationship with makes it somehow more special to me.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

Neither. I think that it is the connection to my partner that is most important. Sometimes it is frequent and sometimes not as much. I see how some could argue that both frequency and quality are important.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

Yes.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

Sometimes intercourse is more casual and sometimes more drawn out and formal. But because we are committed to one another, however we do it is in the context of love.

♦◊♦

John, 43

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love? Have you ever thought about it?

Yes, I have thought about this. I think I have a reasonably good understanding of what these things mean.

What is fucking to you? What is making love?

I think sex is different things at different times in different contexts. The range of experiences we can have through sex seems pretty broad to me. However, I think it makes sense to talk about the difference between sex that includes a significant emotional connection, which is what I would call “making love”, and sex without that type of connection, which is what I would call “fucking”.

Do you care about the difference?

I definitely do care about the difference. For me, sex has always been a pretty emotional experience, so I don’t have much experience with sex without a real connection. In that sense, I’m not sure if I’ve ever had sex I would consider “just fucking.” It’s not that just plain fucking isn’t part of my fantasy life, but it really feels like that to me, just a fantasy that I can enjoy but don’t feel particularly interested in making a reality.

Do you feel it’s important for a couple to please one another or just fuck?

I certainly feel it’s important for a couple to please one another. But I think pleasing means consenting adults each getting what they want from the interaction. This might include making love, or fucking, or whatever. I think the biggest issue is not what type of sex a couple has, but whether they can meet each other needs, even if those needs are different.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

I feel great about it. Talking about our wants and needs is a way of being close, separate from the physical connection of sex. The non-verbal communication is great too. I don’t think I can really even differentiate between communicating about sex and sex itself, since it all feels like part of the sexual experience and connection.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

Yes, for me, sex has been different being married. I know it sounds schmaltzy or cliche, but for me, married sex has been great. Of course our sex life, just like other aspects of our married life, goes though ups and downs. But I have a partner who is sex-positive, non-judgmental, experimental, open-minded, and above all, interested in me, our sex life, and our marriage. There is an underlying feeling of “we are in it together” that makes the ups awesome and the downs not so bad. I wish I could describe it better than that, since it feels more significant than my words seem to convey, but that’s all I can think to say.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

I think it’s the quality of the sex that’s important, but that includes all sorts of factors. I’m a fan of frequent sex, and miss it when it doesn’t happen, but having lots of sex that was just “getting off” doesn’t interest me as much as having great sexual experiences when we do. Sometimes we just fuck, though there is still an emotional connection just from the context of our relationship. I’m also a big fan of long slow emotional sex, and everything in between. My wife an I are also both big fans of lots of kissing (sometimes just kissing), and sometimes also of intense emotional connection without anything physical. I guess I’m a fan of variety, within our relationship.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

I think my wife has a very good understanding of what sex, in it’s various forms, and what it means to our relationship. When we first got together, I had a lot of fairly distorted views and feelings about sex, from some bad previous relationships, and I learned a lot from my wife about all the different ways sex could be a positive thing. I think my previous partners (female and male) had a lot of confusion and judgement about sex, and while sex was certainly great at times, it didn’t have the spiritual depth that is has in my current relationship.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

I think meeting the needs of both the people in the relationship is important. If that means fucking, then great. If that means making love, then great. If there’s no common ground whether both partners can get their needs met, then that’s a problem.

♦◊♦

Carlos, 55

Do you know the difference between fucking and making love?  Have you ever thought about it?

Sure, one is selfish, the other is shared for both parties’ enjoyment. Making love is all about focusing on what will give pleasure to the other person before finding pleasure for yourself.

What is fucking to you? What is making love?

Fucking is just straight up intercourse; no preamble. Making love is oodles of foreplay.

Do you care about the difference?

Of course, fucking is for kids. Making love is for adults.

How do you feel about communicating your sexual needs with your partner and your partner to you?

A little dirty talk is spicy sauce for the palate.

Is sex different married as opposed to being single?

Much more comfortable. Nothing to prove. Expectations are always met. No disappointment possible. If you don’t get it right the first time, try back in an hour.

Do you believe it’s the quality of sex or just how many times a week that’s most important?

There is no judgment on the quality of sex among long-married couples. It’s always good. Even when its not good, its good.

Do you feel the women you have slept with know the difference between fucking and making love?

Some of them do. The more a woman enjoys sex; the more she knows the difference. Some woman don’t care.

Do you feel both are important in a relationship?

Just fucking happens, sometimes, but making love has to be a 90% of the time occurrence.

—Photo Modern Relics/Flickr

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About Sherri Rosen

Sherri Rosen began her own publicity firm in NYC more than sixteen years ago. She gives a powerful voice to people that are doing great things in the world. Sherri also writes for Redhead's Rap at Sherri Rosen Publicity Intl, NYC, Mr. Bellers Neighborhood and Elephant Journal. You can connect with her on Twitter and Facebook.

Comments

  1. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    If you can’t make love, don’t fuck.

    • Jerzy kaltenberg says:

      If you’re incapable of fucking, there’s no way you’ll ‘make love’. It is plain these are synonyms, a false dichotomy. Fucking is honest, making love is deceptive by design.

      • Hank Vandenburgh says:

        Anngh– I’m a romantic. Not that I haven’t gotten laid a fair amount.

      • Hank Vandenburgh says:

        Look, in fucking, you’re opening yourself way up, and they are to you, whether you believe this or not. If it’s good, there’s a psychic link, and a sense of obligation (which I think “prickish” men want to repress.) The sex isn’t that good if you don’t get to that level. Good sex should go on for hours, and not be a pathetic sneeze in a woman’s vagina.

  2. The word Fuck is often used in a violent way – ‘Fuck you” ‘Fuck off’, ‘Go Fuck yourself, MotherFucker’ and so on…. – that language appears to be a defensive and a way to attack/hurt the other person disguising our original hurt. In terms of sexual engagement it could be seen as an individualistic and selfish act – something I want to do to the other – ‘I want to fuck you’

    Making love appears to me to be much more consensual, something that two people do together, something that is creative, equal and loving.

  3. Fuck – It’s about me

    Making Love – It’s about us.

    The ideas and expression of it can be intertwined but I think that sums up the difference.

  4. Makeing love bring the two body together the way the bible say the two will become one flash.

  5. As a woman in my 40′s, I have to say that I’m not entirely sure that I agree with this. If there’s love involved, if there’s that kind of deep emotional bond, then to me there’s no difference at all between the two terms. I love my boyfriend. To me it doesn’t matter if the sex is slow and tender or intense and urgent – both terms still apply equally well. But our term of preference is fucking – I could probably count on one hand the number of times either of us has said “making love”. But just because we prefer to call it fucking, doesn’t mean the emotional connection isn’t there.

  6. What kind of real women won’t so man just ramroding are just hit it like a hard hammer but a trick,because if you love me you won’t want to hurt the cat and the body you love ,so making love can havehave a more intense passion to it,and hot and sweaty feel to it and the man is still showing you he respect your body and you,and I’m a 45year old woman too. love in respect is alway win out to me then ducking for fun never confuse the two.

  7. But kitty I believe you ask what’s the different not what you call the two,we know what we call fucking the word say it all and love makeing Love” say it all.

  8. Jerzy kaltenberg says:

    ‘making love’ is a sensitive and artful euphemism men use in order to get to fuck. Love is the excuse, the justification human primates have developed in order to fuck, shorthand for all of that pair-bond colateral we have to at least promise to bust a nut.

  9. I think gay men have an advantage in this discussion because both Fucking and Making Love are seen as acceptable and worth while. Primarily, fucking is for pleasure, for the rush, for the chance to clash against another human being and at the same time share something potentially profound with him. Most gay men will fuck because they can, and not feel it is anything of which they need to be ashamed. Making Love is what one does with one’s lover or husband. It might follow the exact acts and diaglogue as fucking, but the focus for both partners, the true fulfillment of making love, is seeing one’s partner climax and the shared gratitude that follows and leads to the truest kind of intimacy.

  10. sex and miracles, making love is a lot like this. when our bodies are hot and wet its as close as a soap bubble moving discretely up and down the length of his penis and her vagina
    sex is a miracle of two people talking, asking, touching, stimulating each other with and without orgasm
    sex is a miracle of two people holding each other because they adore the texture
    she feels his biceps, his forearms, his hands, softly with her fingertips because seeing his body and touching him is as hot and as exciting as being touched by him

  11. I enjoyed reading the questions and answers as well as the discussion taking place in the comments section.

    Loved the variety in which Sherrie Rosen selected the panel and to sum up my sentiments towards, I’ve co-signed Carlos’s answer: “Of course, fucking is for kids. Making love is for adults.”

  12. Your men are pretty old and pretty heteronormative. None spoke of being fucked. None spoke about one leading to the other (fucking and loving; loving and fucking). Though I’m glad the ages are diverse, I’d like to hear what a 22 year gay man says about this.

  13. LaCharmine (L.A.) Jefferson says:

    In my younger years (20′s) I knew there was a difference. And I thought that difference had to do with whether you were in a relationship or not. Now in my late 30′s I know there is a place for both in all relationships.

  14. Tom Brechlin talks about teen girls between the ages of 15 to 19 getting pregnant at a very high rate with a blaming tone, as if the girls got pregnant by themselves.

    Since most young girls are coerced into having sex and rarely find it enjoyable it seems that if there’s any blame, the males that got the girls pregnant are more to blame, since the boys are just looking for a quick f*** and the girls generally give in thinking that f****** will keep the boy, which is never the case. Once a boy f**** a girl he loses interest and moves on to his next conquest.

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