Others may be more important, or starker, or more common, but the gendered behavior I find most puzzling is the unsolicited genitalia picture.
Seriously. There is a (small, but evident) group of men who think the single most attractive thing they can do is send a woman they barely know a picture of their erect penis, to the point that nearly all my female and female-assigned friends who do online dating have received a dick pic. (Although I do not know any men who have sex with men well enough to inquire of them, commenters are encouraged to share their experiences about whether this is strictly a straightboy thing.)
Why? Why? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? I mean, most men who like women are not attracted to a random disembodied vulva floating in space; why would they assume women who like men are attracted to a random disembodied cock? (Of course, there are people who are attracted to random disembodied vulvas/cocks, but I’m fairly comfortable with saying they’re in the strict minority.)
Side note to those who are considering sending a dick pic to a woman: please do not send one unless it is specifically requested, and I mean “I would like a picture of your penis” specifically requested. If she just asks for a sexy or naked picture, then take a picture of your torso, ass, or full body. Your dick can certainly be in the picture, but it should not be the starring role (barring being able to suck your own cock, or other exceptional traits).
For everyone else: I will now speculate about why people do this. If you have personal experience, please do elaborate in the comments.
1) Penises stick out, and therefore are easier to take pictures of than vulvas; if you could take a picture of your vulva without contorting into some completely awful position, then a whole bunch of women would be sending allegedly sexy but actually gynecological vulva pictures.
2) A lot of people believe that penises are the male equivalent of breasts. (This showed up in the comments on my post last week about why women should be allowed to take their shirts off in public– “I don’t want to see penises waving about in public, so it makes sense we’re not allowed to wave breasts about in public!”) Therefore, just like men are famously attracted to breasts, women are attracted to penises! Except that the male equivalent to a female chest is, you know, a male chest.
3) A lot of men are under the impression that male chests and asses are not a sexual thing to women, possibly related to the widespread cultural insistence that the only physical trait that matters is a large penis. (This has been changing recently to the insistence that there is such a thing as male beauty and it is defined as HUGE MUSCLES, but the first idea still exists.) I have no idea how they’ve managed to keep this idea. Do I need to show you people more pictures of hot shirtless men? Because I will.
4) The idea that every woman is incredibly attracted to a large penis, and that by taking a picture of your cock you’re showing that you have a large penis, which is hence very attractive.
5) The theory espoused in this Reproductive Health Reality Check article, i.e. gendered responses to insecurity (such as the insecurity involved in hitting on someone via the Internet). Men tend to respond to insecurity through asserting their physical superiority (“look at me, I’ve got a giant cock!”) whereas women tend to respond through seeking reassurance.
6) Men are incredibly more likely to hit on women on online dating sites than women are to hit on men. In particular, terrible men make up a substantial percentage of any woman’s inbox on online dating sites, as they will copy-paste the same “hey sexxxxxxxy ur cute wanna fuk?” message to two hundred women, while the decent people will send a thoughtful message to people they like. It only takes a few terrible men sending pictures of their penises to hundreds of women to make sure everyone online gets one.
7) Emotional armor. Hitting on someone makes you incredibly vulnerable– just think about the fear of rejection!– and the male gender role is about not being vulnerable. For some reason, a penis picture may make them feel less vulnerable. (If nothing else, they are literally showing that they have the balls to do it.)
Anyway, that’s all the theories I have. Add your own in the comments.
Since the brain is our mightiest organ, and most men on dating sites think with their dick, they want to show just how brainy they are.
The accompanying text will tend to defy the attempt.
I’ve always wondered how netdating seems to strip men of all reason, accountability and intelligence.
Gues i’m just happy being an alien.
On #2: I’ve had women show me their chests and then expect penis pics. This leaves me thinking many women would disagree with you and that a penis IS the equivalent of breasts. However, I do also feel this is because of the social norm of covering breasts, and if they were allowed to be bared, then people would view the chests of all sexes to be equal.
I think parts of #5 and #7 come the closest to explaining. Paradoxically, there is something very insecure about sending a photo of your erection. It is a kind of bravado. I think there is something going on there that goes WAY beyond just having the wrong idea of what turns women on. Deep down, most of those men know that this will not really work to get them sex, and there’s something else going on. It reminds me of the men hanging out of car windows hooting at women walking by. They must know that’s not going to impress… Read more »
Being an erotica writer and spending a lot of time on twitter, I attract a barrage of dick pics. I’m not sure why men think that, because I write about sex, fictionally, I’m all that obsessed by it or am less inhibited than anyone else. I’m not. Dick pics don’t offend me at all. I don’t get them and freak out. But when I look at them, it is with the sort of dispassionate eye that, I suspect, might wilt the most rampant erection. I have, on occasion, sent a tweet or email back saying: “I’m sorry to have to… Read more »
What’s with hands, I’m almost tempted to send a pic of my hand just to see the reaction…..but then again, unwanted contact, ugh.
Reading through the comments it seems many people are missing the point. The author is specifically talking about UNSOLICITED penis pics sent to someone the sender barely knows via the internet. So comments about how & what you do with your partner etc. are irrelevant. WHY do men send pics of their dicks to women they barely know and have certainly never met? I got talking to someone I met through Twitter. He’s a reasonably high profile lawyer with several thousand followers as he makes the odd appearance on TV. I was flattered by the attention and enjoyed the interaction… Read more »
No Yvonne I don’t think you are sensitive.I myself would have been appalled.I consider that crap to be like a visual assault of sorts.
dunno. but this tumblr is hilarious on this “front”: http://bonersinthepeloton.tumblr.com/
Wow, I think you finally found an answer to Jhoanna’s question on:
https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/much-ado-about-womens-asses-in-the-olympics/
I don’t think its nearly as complicated as the author is making it. I think guys are simply saying they want to have sex in their own way. If you notice sometimes when a guy likes you, he will give you crotch shot- that is he turns towards you and spreads his legs. He wants you to look at his penis. The internet removes a lot of manners people would have in real life, so guys are doing the same thing just with the pants off. They are saying, “Here’s what I’m working with, come get some!” Sometimes on discovery… Read more »
Women do this too! At least, the bi/lesbian ones do. I used to look for women to date on the women-seeking-women section of Craigslist in New York. There were a bunch of women who posted pics of their vaginas in the ads, just like there were a bunch of men on Craigslist who posted dick pics in their ads. Other women would complain about this, how low-class it was, etc., but those disembodied pussy pics kept on coming. I have no idea why anyone would find a stranger’s disembodied genitals arousing, but there you go. I’m not even going to… Read more »
I am not sent into fits of passion at the site of a male body while I am very atracted to men. I certainly know when I am attracted to a man, but it doesn’t fill me up with happiness to see his body alone. I would probably be more excited, not neccesarily turned on though, by a picture of a man’s hands or his shoulders and back then I would his penis. It is more playful and subtle. But I still wouldn’t be so turned on I’d want to have sex then and there. I still would consider myself… Read more »
The idea that all women like guys with huge muscles is dodgy. It’s like saying that all all men like women with big asses and boobs. I don’t.
Another funny post, Ozy. Nothing to add, except to your point 2.
Freudianly, the female equivalent of the penis is the foot.
Thank about that the next time your girlfriend asks you to rub her feet.
AnonymousDog, I do not deny that online dating sites must be very frustrating places for men. However, I remain unconvinced by the logic of “well, nothing else has worked so far, I might as well send a bunch of women unsolicited photos of my cock!” because, well, it’s conclusion is sending people unsolicited photos of your cock which (unless you specifically want to dig out the women who would be turned on by such a move) is ill-advised, but also because there is no one tactic that works for attracting women. And I think that expressing frustration at that fact… Read more »
Maybe it’s because English isn’t my native tongue, but I have a really hard time grasping your point. Yes, I sincerely hope that the sexual wishes and desires of my partner and my own sexual wishes and desires have enough overlap that regular, mutually enjoyable sex actually happens. I don’t think thats quite the same as “wanting to dictate what should arouse her” though. Trying to dictate any behavior or thoughts of your partner is of course not OK, but that is something very different than wishing your partner would express the wishes s/he already (hopefully, see above) has, isn’t… Read more »
ILE,
I’m not suggesting that sending d*ck pics is a good idea, or that its likely to get results. I’m just proposing a possible explanation for why some guys do it: They are frustrated and somewhat disgusted with the whole process of online meeting/dating, and just decide to try and get some attention by doing something intended to shock.
Context, context, context. For example, my partner would occasionally pull down his boxer briefs, stick his di** in my face, and wave it around when I wasn’t paying attention as a joke. It’s far more funny than erotic, and that was his intention. A similar visual situation that I did find sexy and led to sex? He’d come out wearing those same boxer briefs while I was, say, doing dishes, run his hands down my body, pull my hair to the side and start to kiss me on the neck. Turn my head around, kiss me, and grab my ass… Read more »
From this discussion and the other threads on porn I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps there’s an element of transference happening here by following formula: man (naturally) loves his penis + the hyper-focus on genitalia in porn + the “acting” in porn of the recipient of the presented screen-filling erection looking incredibly happy & turned on at just the mere sight of it & nothing else & then the initiation of sex. = man thinking the dick pic = happiness & arousal on the part of the recipient. There is such variety in life and sexual arousal, that… Read more »
That was very clever of you Ether.
Definitely not just straight guys. My boyfriend’s online dating life is FULL of cock pics sent to them by people who seem to think that it’s the only thing a queer boy is interested in about other boys, queer or otherwise. I do think there’s something to the idea of it being sexual aggression, but at the same time it’s eloquent about the vulnerability of these people: “my dick is the only reason someone will want to be in contact with me”. Maybe they don’t even believe that about themselves, but the preponderance of that behaviour online has taught them… Read more »
I think the important question is…
If I pretend I don’t get your point
Will you show me more pictures of shirtless men?
Not just the straight guys. Though I imagine it has a much higher success rate among gay/bi guys since they’ve been socialized with the same penis worship mindset.
There’s also the creep factor. Some guys get off on the idea of sending their (unwanted) penis pics to women. Virtual flashers.
I’ve always interpreted it as a type of sexual aggression, yeah. Like “you will see my penis whether you want to or not”.
In any case it’s really not hot to me. Maybe there are women who appreciate a random dick pic, but if so, they either don’t talk about it or I haven’t met them.
I think that’s the driving issue. For a lot of us, we imagine our sexuality resides in our penis (and maybe we fret, or maybe we congratulate ourselves, over its size!) and to force it on a woman is to force ourselves on her. Most of us aren’t into rape, but I wonder if there isn’t the same motivation behind it–I’ll do this because I’m the one who wants it, and I’ll make you notice me. It’s crazy, but I think any response at all is satisfying to the man, even if the woman laughs at him. The point is,… Read more »
“Virtual flashers.”
And, it’s so much easier than getting out your trench coat, driving to the park, keeping an eye out for cops, waiting for women to walk by, etc. You don’t even have to leave your house, and you can flash a hundred individual women at the same time! Ooh, not only that, but you don’t even have to use a picture of your own penis, you can shop around. The internet is revolutionizing our lives in so many ways….
Heh. I am at a loss to interpret these last few comments. Here’s a hint FlyingKal and AnonymousDog: maybe you’re having so much difficulty trying to figure out “what women are attracted to” because the female hivemind is not actually a thing. An idea worth considering perhaps? Personally, my boyfriend lying naked around the house is almost definitely going to result in “hunger and lust in my eyes”, which will usually be expressed by telling him that “he and his body is attractive and sexy and evoke urges in me” (or, you know, just simply pouncing on him). If this… Read more »
To IloveEdinburgh:
Heh, you know, the male hivemind is not a thing either.
It’s kind of funny that you start off with that remark about “the female hivemind is not actually a thing”, and then goes on to rant about how any script that doesn’t fit in your experience about male/female behaviour doesn’t actually exist… 🙂
a) You do not know what I have done, what I’ve tried to do, and how I’ve been met in my life, so please refrain from pretending that you do.
b) Yes, and that should apply to anyone, not just females, you know?
Um, rather confused again. I did not state that “men do this”, rather that “in my experience a lot of men do this”. Am I not allowed to have past experiences now, because I believe that humans are individuals rather than two big borgs? Saying “men (having been socially conditioned to see themselves as the active party in heterosexual relationships) often do not realise what being on the other side means” is totally different to saying “what do those mysterious creatures what already?!” Also, I did not tell you what you have done, what you’ve tried to do or how… Read more »
Also, “ick” for referring to women as “females”, but that’s another story I suppose….
(Cheez, I hate this division between older/newer comments…!) Um, rather confused again. I did not state that “men do this”, rather that “in my experience a lot of men do this”. Am I not allowed to have past experiences now, because I believe that humans are individuals rather than two big borgs? You are allowed to whatever. It’s just makes for a nicer discussion climate when you allow for other the same leeway that you expect for yourself. I was just like you talking about my own experiences. Just because they contradict yours doesn’t mean that either of them should… Read more »
Where even are the older comments? This is so confusing *_* Anyway I do have to say, it must be tough for men to understand what it’s like to grow up with the premise that you are a sexual object to be examined, found worthy and used by others, devoid of your own sexual drive. The passivity encouraged in women is very hard to overcome. And, it probably doesn’t help that from the tween years on, women are exposed to a barrage of sexual attention that can range from flattering to completely traumatic. For me, that was the toughest hangup… Read more »
@f.
Wow. Was I really that condescending?
Buh? I don’t think you seemed condenscending. Maybe a little dismissive.
“I was really worried about being too aggressive or demanding toward my own partners. I didn’t want to make them feel how I had once felt.” This! My idea of “taking the initiative” still more or less looks like this: “Perhaps? What do you think? Are you sure? You can say no if you want to you know! Is this ok? Should I stop? I don’t mind either way! It’s just perhaps I kinda felt and so I thought…” It’s very hard to overcome even when directly authorised to be aggressive. And that’s coupled with the fear that as soon… Read more »
And I wasn’t even talking about taking initiatives or the double sword of being passive/active. Please…
But then again, regarding this: “Perhaps? What do you think? Are you sure? You can say no if you want to you know! Is this ok? Should I stop? I don’t mind either way! It’s just perhaps I kinda felt and so I thought…” Imagine being a (straight) guy approaching 30 when he has his first sexual encounter with a women. And getting no verbal feedback, or any acknowledgement whatsoever that she’s actually attracted to him, except for occasionally accepting to again have sex with him. And that coupled with the fear that taking too much initiatives, or even push… Read more »
Uh yeah, that sounds totally frustrating, and now that you are getting more specific it’s a lot easier to interpret what you are talking about. ILE and I were speaking to some possible things that could lead to that type of behavior, but that doesn’t make a situation like that acceptable or psychologically safe for you, does it? Here’s the thing, sexual norms are damaging to all of our sex lives and that results in a multitude of shitty situations and shitty choices to make. Maybe at that time it wasn’t possible for you to ask for a frank discussion… Read more »
I’d love to have a longer conversation about this, because I’m eager to learn as much as I possibly can. Although it’s partly frustrating, it also serves as a bit of therapy for me to get insights and clues into what’s going on in other people’s minds.(See, noone knows what’s going on in another person’s head, but I figure that a broader spectrum of answers and experiences is only for the better.)
However I don’t seem to be able to express myself good enough to convey my thoughts and feelings and have that conversation here 🙁
But thank you anyway.
“Do you really think that his thoughts regarding the situation will differ all that much from what you just described above??” No, I’m sure they will be pretty similar. I’m also sure that plenty of straight men out there who indeed feel frustrated by their partners’ lack of active sexual participation, regardless of when they first became sexually active. It sucks all round. However this doesn’t take away from the fact that in your first comment you seemed to be bemoaning your girlfriend’s lack of sexual expression while seemingly still subconsciously wanting to wrestle control for yourself by dictating the… Read more »
It seems to me that we are mostly discussing the same thing, but from two different perspectives. Me as the man who’s not getting verbal or physical appraisal (is that an ok word?), and you as a woman who is not mainly turned on just by visual appearance, and also for various reasons (social construct etc.) may be inhibited to express some of her true wants and feelings. Right so far? The thing is, I know about social construct and all that. I never contradicted that. I merely vented my, let’s call it frustration, as being on the receiving end… Read more »
I’m sorry, again!!
That woman “who is not mainly turned on just by visual appearance, and also for various reasons (social construct etc.) may be inhibited to express some of her true wants and feelings.” wasn’t you, but Sarah!
Gaaah!! I’m so sorry
What I think makes for a nicer discussion is not twisting the other person’s words to make them out to be unreasonable when they’re not. In none of my comments did I claim that men are all the same. This does not mean that cultural tendencies cannot exist or that gender roles are not enforced. They do and they are, which is the very reason for the existence of this blog. “Stating that maybe this or that is something I should try or do, clearly implies that you don’t consider it something I may have already tried or done.” Expressing… Read more »
Nor have I claimed that all women are the same! If you read my first post again you will see that I talked about my own experiences with the less than handful of girlfriends I’ve had.
Yet you’re berating me for making sweeping “what women want” statements…
And now I’m going to berate you for gaslighting. Here is a direct quote from the first of your comments I responded to: “I think there are an awful lot of men who are just at loss as what women are attracted to. Since the number of messages we are receiving about what NOT to do and behave, outnumber the messages about what to do and how to behave, by a ratio probably exceeding 1000:1. And since we can’t seem to do the right thing no matter what, we might just as well go for the chock effect. ” I… Read more »
Saying that “I think there are an awful lot of men ” is not talking about ALL WOmen.
Also, to my defence I must say that since you were talking about your personal experience in your first post, I thought you were replying to the second half of my post where I was sharing MY experiences.
Jesus, are you really this clueless??? The key part of the sentence is *not* the “awful lot of men” bit, but where you refer to “what women are attracted to” as if there’s one monolithic answer that womankind is keeping secret from you. And my point is there is no universal rule about what women are attracted to, because each woman is different.
Anyway, I think the discussion has reached a point where I don’t really believe that you are arguing remotely in good faith or trying to understand what I’m saying, so I think I’ll bow out.
Uh, just to jump in here, in my earlier comments all I meant to say was that I, personally, am not very visual. (Other women may be different) By that I mean, I’m not that turned on simply by looking at male bodies. However, I am NOT passive sexually, and there are a lot of things about male bodies that do turn me on. I can appreciate good looking guys, includng my boyfriend, but I don’t feel overwhelming lust JUST by seeing him lolling around in his underwear. So, for example, I might be in the shower and I start… Read more »
ILE,
You seem to think that male frustration with online meeting/dating all stems from some sort of male misinterpretation of females in general, rather than a man’s own actual experiences with it.
Let’s make a deal, shall we? I won’t discount your experiences if you won’t discount mine.
“… If you really want your partner to start taking the initiative it’s important to understand that a) that means sometimes finding yourself in the awkward possition of having to deal with unexpected or unwanted behaviour in a sensitive way …” I can only speak about my experience of being in a relationship with a woman having a higher sex drive and being very direct in initializing sex, but I didn’t perceived that communication as an undue or even surprising hardship. You’re right, it wasn’t some kind of nympho girlfriend p0rn fantasy you seem to have found men to have,… Read more »
I have to agree with FlyingKal, I think the d*ck pics represent a ‘”What the hell, nothing else has gotten me a response, this can’t be any more unsuccessful” shot in the dark. They figure they’ve got nothing to lose by trying it.
I think there are an awful lot of men who are just at loss as what women are attracted to. Since the number of messages we are receiving about what NOT to do and behave, outnumber the messages about what to do and how to behave, by a ratio probably exceeding 1000:1. And since we can’t seem to do the right thing no matter what, we might just as well go for the chock effect. Hence the penis pictures. I am over 40 years old. Although not a muscular type of guy, I’ve always been fit and in fairly good… Read more »
Every woman is different, of course, but personally I don’t get particularly lustful just from looking at my boyfriend’s body, at least not when it’s devoid of any context. I get more turned on by sexy situations, his voice, his face, his desire for me, touching him and being touched. I love his body (he’s tall, he’s got a great smile, and a politically incorrect hairy chest, mmm) –but I’m not very visual, I guess. I like erotic novels, but watching porn bores me.
I know what you mean. But… I have some troubles grasping this “devoid of context”. I’m not saying that every occasion where one is naked should lead to sex! But, there’s still the context of being in a (supposedly) sexual relation with another person. Shouldn’t one be somewhat attracted to that person and his/her body, and be able to appreciate and in some way express that attraction without it necessarily being in a sexual situation? If you (general you, not you personally) are always reacting and never acting, how can your partner be sure what you really want? It’s like… Read more »
I guess for me, like I said, I’m not very visual. I’m not really turned on just by looking at a male body, even if it’s my boyfriend’s. I might think “he looks nice, I like that” — but I don’t feel great stirrings of lust. It’s not what arouses me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his body. I think he’s attractive. And I do initiate sex with my boyfriend (I don’t just react to what he does) but it’s usually because I’ve gotten myself turned on by thinking about sex. Like, we might be sitting on the couch… Read more »
Well, women have different turn offs, so if you listen to enough women talking about their turn offs, then yea, eventually you will hear basically everything described as a turn off. The trick is not to treat them as anything other than a particular woman’s opinion. Perhaps the women you’ve been listening to tend to universalise or politicise their preferences, or perhaps you’re inferring it, or something in between, but that’s not really the issue. I mean, listening to a lot of women talking about their turnoffs and concluding “Wow, everything is a problem” is about as legit as listening… Read more »
Erect, look at what I got here, Pee-Pees freak me the fuck out. Seriously. Its why I can’t stand porn. Too many scary ass erections lurching around the room. Like a fucking Godzilla movie for dicks.
Thank god there’s all that girl/girl porn out there for you and the millions of guys like you!
Actually, its not the dicks per se. I don’t mind a dick or two from a respectful distance. Like far enough away to see something other than the dick. Maybe the people attached to the dicks? Its the vantage point. It’s the movement of genitalia shot from three inches away and going on for HOURS. Who, the fuck watches that?
That’s how I feel about porn — all the giant dicks waving aroud just freak me out, and the endless in-and-out shots seem clinical and completely non-erotic.
Well, it doesn’t do it for me, but I’m sure some people think it’s hot, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I think how porn has a tendency to reduce the man to a disembodied cock makes some men think that’s how men participate in sexy imagery– it’s INCREDIBLY male gaze-y, but it doesn’t occur to some that women might want to see something different.
https://goodmenproject.com/moustacheclubofamerica/how-not-to-send-dick-pics-a-beginners-guide/
This covers a few of the same bases. via brett favre analysis
I think another reason is while it takes a lot of work to develop and maintain a hard (conventionally-attractive) body, it’s fairly easy to come up with a hard cock. The ease of shooting a penis versus a vulva doesn’t hurt.