Veronica Grace doesn’t want her husband’s fears to get in the way of living the life they both want.
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Dear Husband,
Stop being afraid of so much. I’ve talked to you about each of these things but maybe if I announce it to the world you will be able to really feel each of them deep in your bones.
Please please, stop being afraid you are not enough. You are more than I ever thought possible. You don’t have to be the most handsome/rich/confident/genius/manly man. You don’t have to be the most because it’s not about being the most. It’s about being the puzzle piece that fits mine. It’s about your strangeness fitting so well with my strangeness. It’s about that beloved sense of ease and peace and comfort I get when we are together, except when it’s about the silly excited feeling I get when I get to see you after a day apart. It’s about having contrasting and complementary levels of awesomeness and suckyness. It’s about you being the most authentic person I know.
Stop being afraid that I’m mad at you and just not telling you. Seriously…it’s been years and even though it’s rare that I get angry with you has there ever been a time when I was mad, and you couldn’t tell? I’ll tell you what, if I’m ever angry with you and I don’t tell you I am, I give you permission to ignore it until I get off my ass and tell you. Deal?
Stop being afraid I won’t like things. Things you like, things you do for me, things that have nothing to do with you. Really! It’s ok if I don’t like the same things as you. I can think the thing/show/movie you are totally into is ridiculous and still think you are amazing. You know me really well so it’s rare that I don’t like things you do for me, let’s just get that out of the way. But let’s say you did do something for me that I wasn’t excited about. I’m still excited that you thought to do something for me! I am still happy. Now let’s say that you did something for me and it actually made me crabby. It’s ok for me to be crabby. I am not entitled to a lack of irritation in my life and it’s not your responsibility to keep my life irritation free at all times. Just be thoughtful about things you have influence over. Most of all stop worrying if I’m irritated by things outside of your control. No matter what you were taught, it is not the husband’s job to fix everything. I totally appreciate that you care for my comfort, it’s one of my favorite things about you. I just care more about you being happy and worry free than I care about me being irritated once in awhile.
Stop being afraid that I don’t find you attractive. I get that you look in the mirror and can’t see why I would find you attractive…you think men are icky. I, on the other hand, am a straight woman so while I’m certainly not attracted to all men, I am absolutely attracted to you. Including all of the parts you think are so funny looking. I’m the expert on who I find attractive so just trust me on this one, you are totally my type.
Stop being afraid to tell me when you need help. It seems like somewhere along the way you got the message that you aren’t supposed to need help, and that you most certainly are not supposed to ask for it. But if you don’t tell me what you need, if you won’t let me help you, you are cheating me out of being able to be a strong partner for you. You are cheating me out of opportunities to support you. Think about it, how would you feel if I didn’t let you help me do anything? Now realize that I feel the same way when you don’t let me help you. I know you don’t always know what you need but when you do, please tell me.
Stop being afraid to tell me what you want. I’m a big girl, if you want something from me I’m not willing or able to give I’ll say so. If you want something I don’t think is a good idea for our family we’ll talk about it. Maybe we’ll decide we can’t afford that big screen tv right now…but if you tell me you really want it, we will start saving for it because you rarely ask for anything for yourself. Getting what we want doesn’t necessarily make us happy, but I still love hearing about what you think might make your life easier or bring you pleasure.
Stop being afraid that I’m going to decide I don’t want you anymore. I can’t guarantee my feelings for all eternity to come, but I can tell you that as of this day I love you deeply, I want you intensely and you are my best friend. I can’t imagine not being with you. But, I can easily imagine how much of the joy of us you could miss while you’re busy being afraid it’s not going to last, so please stop being afraid.
Love,
Your Wife
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Photo: basykes / Flickr
Sam/Richard,
So what do you suggest a partner do instead?
Amazing article, thank you Veronica! 🙂
Your husband is a lucky guy having you, and I bet he knows it. 😉
Now, maybe he just needs to realize (really, truly, deeply) how much you feel lucky having him. 😀
And I know no better way to do that than an article like this.
Sorry to put the cat amongst the pigeons, but this article felt very familiar to me, and so I thought I’d chime in. I recently left my partner of eight years. Right up until the time we broke up, she used to say these sorts of things to me – and she probably thought it was the right thing to do. But the truth is, it just drove me further away. The thing is, when I express these doubts about myself to you, I am doing so not because I feel that our connection, or that your attachment to me… Read more »
Sam, I’m happy to have you raise points. I wish I could understand what point you were bringing up. I can feel the soulfulness of your comment but my husband and I have both read what you’ve said and we can’t pick out the point you are trying to make. Maybe if you can explain what it is that you feel your wife should have done?
Thanks for your reply Veronica. I guess my point is that, when I relate your article to my own experience, there seemed to be potential for you to be misinterpreting your husband’s (and I say “your husband” in the general sense, and am not referring specifically to you, Veronica!) expressions of doubt about his worth or position in the relationship as being expressions of his fears of not being good enough for you. Instead, I wanted to raise the possibility that your husband is likely to be perfectly well-aware that you love him unconditionally, but that when he talks about… Read more »
I agree with Sam. If someone has a problem with anxiety and you simply tell them not to worry is like telling someone with depression to ‘just cheer up there’s no reason to be depressed’. If the problem is irrational anxiety then your letter to him is really misguided and naive. As Sam said you invalidate his feelings. If he’s feeling bad all you are doing it telling him he’s wrong, making him feel worse and showing that you don’t understand. If your husband has low level insecurites then this will be fine. In the same way chearing up someone… Read more »
I wish my last girlfriend had been able to write something like this to me rather than letting my fears drive us apart.
Beautiful 🙂
Loved your letter/article, Veronica. Great job! At certain points I felt like it was a letter from my wife. I imagin most men have these insecurites (you answered a few of mine and some my friends have shared with me in the past). However, what I really find amazing is that you had the awareness, courage, patience and cared enough to write this letter to your husband. My guess is that you two communicate very well. Anyway, thanks for the read!
Veronica, very nice letter to your husband. I have to ask you, does your husband read GMP? There have been a lot of good articles that address some of his perceived feelings?
Thank you.
Yes, he does. Though we’ve only found GMP in the last few months so if you have articles in mind that were good I would love for you to link to them.
Might I also recommend: http://www.conscious-transitions.com. A relationship-saving/building website that is outstanding.
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I would suggest looking at the articles under “Health, Psych, & Addiction” I can in some ways relate to your husband in that my corporate career almost killed me. At the age of 41, after having my second heart attack, I had a quintuple bypass. The stresses of being a sole supported and the relentless drive to be more and make more took its roots in my life. Until then, I was the rock and foundation of my marriage or should I say that’s what I thought. It was life changing for… Read more »
” I can’t guarantee my feelings for all eternity to come, but I can tell you that as of this day I love you deeply,” is my favourite quote and its refreshing to hear it coming from a girl, now if the girls could just accept this coming from a guy that would end a whole lot of my problems.