Elisabeth Corey is anything but a trinket. And she doesn’t want to be treated like one.
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I am not a super model, but some think I’m pretty. I have been called all the words for a woman who meets the generally acceptable societal standards of attractiveness: pretty, beautiful, sexy. I have had male attention. I have dated. I have married.
I know that the way I look has been an advantage for me because women are judged by the way we look. I have probably been offered more help in stores. I have probably made more money in my career. I know I have been judged far less than others. I know there are advantages I cannot see because that is how privilege works. I get that.
But I don’t want to be called pretty. I don’t want anyone to give me compliments based on the way I look. When I was a child, I was always complimented on my appearance … right before I was raped … for money. When I was a child, it appeared that a beautiful person was someone to be bought, rented, owned or controlled. A beautiful person was held the same value as a beautiful trinket … a trinket that would be purchased, placed on a mantle and shown to others. “Look at the beautiful thing that I own”. “I have always wanted one of these”. Money talked, and beauty was to be owned.
Some may think that I am too sensitive. Some may think that my past has damaged my perception. Some may think that the men from my childhood have ruined my chances of relating to any man in adulthood. Believe me, I have thought of that. But I have also seen how society treats women. The focus on a woman’s appearance is everywhere. A woman can’t be fat. A woman can’t be old. A woman can’t have wrinkles. A woman can’t have grey hair. A woman can’t have cellulite. A woman has to dress for her assets.
I watch the response to my son and my daughter (who are twins). I see the difference. Although there is still some focus on my son’s looks, there is much more attention on my daughter’s appearance. What do they say about my son? He is strong. He is smart. He is a little entrepreneur. One day, he will be very successful. He will be a speech writer for the President.
But my daughter is so pretty. She is so cute. She is so petite. She has the most beautiful eyes. Her red hair is so unique. She looks like a little princess. She is wearing the cutest outfit. As a society, we start the brainwashing as soon as we can tell if they are a boy or a girl.
So don’t tell me I am pretty. Tell me I am courageous. Tell me I am strong. Tell me I am intelligent. Tell me I am honest or truthful or vulnerable. Tell me I have it together. Tell me I am an amazing parent. Tell me you respect me. But don’t focus on my appearance. I am not here to be something you can look at, purchase or show off to others. I am a person. I have value. And that value doesn’t have a price.
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Photo: saidmebyron / flickr
To each their own but I personally don’t find it offensive if someone tells me I look attractive or “pretty.” I thank them for the compliment.
Couldn’t have said it better than Elizabeth!
Society compliments and rewards women for their looks… but also emphasize that we are only beautiful while we’re young. So even IF you fit into society’s norms for beauty, you won’t be able to keep it up.
By being sexist-lookist, society is trying to control women’s value. If you’re not interested in getting to know me for my character and my mind, then labeling me according to looks is an insulting short-cut superimposing a shallow identity on me.
Thank you so much Liz.
The comments in opposition to this article seem to miss the flip side of this point. As long as we focus on “pretty” and objectifying pretty women; we miss the damage that is done to those who don’t fit the norm of society’s standard of beauty. Or worse yet, do and don’t. ” you have a pretty face if you would just lose weight, fix your….. “. Or you are pretty just too dark, too pale(fill in the blank). I have had these thrown at me in my lifetime; and realized early that society will judge and some men, no… Read more »
That is a great point Tammye. They are flip sides of the same coin.
Elizabeth, you didn’t answer Drews question. I think it was spot on. “Don’t tell me I’m pretty “ yet women use their looks to their advantage. Many many years ago, I was in a sales and marketing position. My product was in direct competition with two other similar organizations and accordingly we did employee presentations (in this case a group of maybe 30 – mostly men). After I spoke, a female rep from another company was about to take stage when her female associate advised he that the top button on her skirt was open and partially zipped down. She… Read more »
Tom, I have answered Drew’s question. I missed it yesterday and was not avoiding it. Be careful grouping all women with those who use their appearance to get ahead in their careers. That would be the same as if I assumed all men are the same as my rapists. If you read my other articles, you will see that I clearly don’t feel that way.
Thank you Elizabeth … there appears to be somewhat of a time warp with some of the posts in that when I posted mine (went into moderation) yours had not yet appeared. My apologies. I never had a doubt that you would use your looks as an advantage but the truth is many women do. My wife watches some show about up and coming models and I’m always amused as to how these women look while in their residence verses what they look like when they’re made up which leads me to believe that more women then not, actually use… Read more »
You are right Tom. This problem is not going away anytime soon. Both sexes have belief systems that must shift before appearance becomes a secondary consideration when we judge a person. More than likely, a woman who dresses for attention has been given the impression that she is only worth her appearance. She was probably taught this at a very young age. This can and does also happen to men. I understand this. We have to start with our children. Then, over time, we may see a shift.
It is also important to mention that discussions like these are what start that change. That is why I write for this site.
Thank you so much for writing this. There are many women who feel uncomfortable about that kind of attention for all kinds of reasons, I think it helps each time someone shares theirs.
Thank you so much Veronica.
Elisabeth, I appreciate your perspective, am glad to honor it. I would whether I saw your history or not; it’s your choice and therefore worthy of honor. I would appreciate your perspective on something: do you believe that you speak for all women, or are you speaking for yourself? Where I struggle – and I genuinely mean struggle, not some euphemism for “I think you’re wrong” – is whether there is something wrong with my noticing that a woman has beauty. Do you believe that I only notice because I’ve been trained to think about women in a certain way,… Read more »
Hi Les, I appreciate your honest questions about my post. I do not believe it is possible to generalize anything I say to all women. That would be impossible. My childhood experiences definitely color my viewpoints. That being said, I think we need to make a concerted effort as a society to change our perspective. We need to be aware of what we notice and why we notice it. And we need to make an effort to understand how others want to be noticed. If we do that, relationships will be more fulfilling for everyone involved. I hope that makes… Read more »
Drew, very good question. Looking forward to the answer.
Does the request of “Please don’t tell me I’m pretty” also come with requests of “Please don’t offer me more help in stores” or “Please don’t give me more career opportunities” or “Please judge me more harshly”, or “Please don’t do all of the other things I’ve grown accustomed to having people do because I’m attractive”, etc?
Your question makes me really uncomfortable. I had to think about it a bit to figure out why but I think I have it figured out.
So a woman tells you that being told she is pretty reminds her of being sexually assaulted. repeatedly. and what you got out of the article is “but do you still want better service at stores…”
It’s as if you think being sexually assaulted is small compared to the benefits of being attractive. Please, tell me I’m reading that wrong.
You’re reading that wrong.
Actually, scratch that, you’re reading that exactly the way I would expect an intellectually dishonest person to read it: by ignoring the fact that I’m referencing an ENTIRE LIFETIME OF BENEFITS AND PRIVILEGES, and reducing my point to just one of those benefits (which just happens to be a minor one). So let me try, very very hard, to explain it in a way that will make it the most difficult for you to twist it into something offensive: it would be dishonest for a person to enjoy the myriad of benefits and privileges associated with something without question or… Read more »
Drew, I missed your question yesterday and some seem to think I am avoiding it. I am not. I think that people help others because they like something about them. In our society, I think it happens to be appearance most of the time. My point is that I wish it wasn’t. I wish we could help others because they need help despite their appearance. This is not just true for attractive people. This is a part of white privilege too (which I have also). I would love to believe that I have done well in career because I am… Read more »
Okay, fair enough. My question was just if you’re consistent about not wanting to be associated with prettiness – and it seems you are.
I empathize with the author but all creatures with eyes are going to look at her. I’m sorry, but that’s never going to go away. It’s impossible for people to truly mind their own business because we’re built to identify anything in our line of sight (or periphery) as “our business”. To do otherwise would be suicide. Asking strangers not to leer is probably acceptable, but you’re going to be asking several times every single day of your life. That sounds tiring after a while. There has to be easier tactics than living a life worried about being judged on… Read more »
Thank you for your perspective. I do understand that all people look at others. That is to be expected. My article is a call to others to examine how they define a person based on what they see. Those definitions can have different meanings to different people.