Dork Daddy’s recommendations apply to sons, fathers, men
1) Learn to dance with a partner. Nothing is classier than a man who can walk his partner onto the dance floor with confidence.
2) The only time it is appropriate to use your fists is to defend yourself from someone else using theirs on you.
3) Liberal arts grow your mind. Science and business keep you fed. You will need both.
4) That woman in that picture, or in that movie, or on that stage is someone’s sister/daughter. Treat her the way you would hope someone else would treat your sister/daughter if she was in the same position.
5) Learn to filter. Before you say anything, think about how the words you plan to use will sound in the ears of the person you are speaking to.
6) Learn to disagree with someone without taking personal offense – if for no reason other than the fact that you can’t expect something from someone that you aren’t able to deliver yourself.
7) Never let anyone do your thinking for you. There are far too many people with far too much invested in you believing what they believe.
8) Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you won’t have to “fit in.” People will come to you.
9) Never relax when your spouse is doing chores. Though she may say it’s “okay”, you never want to be “that guy.”
10) Hold open the door, pull out the chair and give her your coat. Chivalry is not sexism. Hold open the door for anyone. Respect is not sexism.
11) Respect the woman you are with. No matter how badly you want to, don’t make your move until she tells you that it’s OK.
12) A real man knows crying is okay, but doesn’t overdo it.
13) There is no football game more important than a Sunday date with your wife.
14) Never lose sight of the fact that no matter how much you believe, no matter how convinced you may be that you are right — you might just be completely wrong.
15) Learn early to tie a tie.
16) Know your way around power tools.
17) You don’t have to like their music, but be able to identify Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin when you hear them. Again, classy.
18) People will judge you by how you look. It isn’t fair, but that’s the way the world works. Keep that in mind when you’re picking out your clothes in the morning.
19) Learn empathy. In all situations be able to put yourself in the position of the person you’re interacting with.
20) When picking a wife, you can never do better than your mother.
If you liked this, check out its sister piece “20 Things The Same Father Tells His Daughter.“
—This post first appeared on dorkdaddy.com
—Photo andrijbulba/Flickr
10, 11, and 20 are all good ingredients for creating a frustrated and bitter nice guy who sits on the sidelines while other guys have many relationships with women.
Let me tell you something about my boyfriend regarding no. 10 and 11.He was what many would call a “Casanova” or a “Don Juan”. But he did everything while respecting those rules. I think that if he could have many relationships while respecting those rules then everybody can. You may ask me how I know this. That’s because I was his friend for quite some time before being his girlfriend. Regarding no.20 I will never be his mother. I am his friend, his girlfriend, I may be his wife someday and/or the mother of our children but I will never… Read more »
Regarding #3, science doesn’t expand your mind? Please.
I’ve never understood where that nonsense came from. In real life it always seems like people with science backgrounds come up with the most creative solutions because they spend time solving real problems where you can get objective feedback. (I’m the 3 millionth person say this but it’s still true that feedback is the key to learning). I think it comes from the classical college where liberal arts was a general degree in art and literature when most people were illiterate, by the time I went to school the liberal arts were very dogmatic, you had to support a certain… Read more »
#10. I opened doors, pulled out chairs, would drive 50 miles for her favorite ice cream, and much much more, especially around our daughter so that one her first requirements for who she picked later on would be ” you have to treat me as good as daddy treated mommy.” At first… At the (our) beginning. Things have gotten real bad between us, lots of mutual abuse and mistreatment, our daughter is not blind nor stupid, she sees our mutual rejection of each other. Now what do I tell my daughter and for that matter my son ?
10.1: Learn the line between chivalry and (ab)use.
Number 20 reminds me of a line I saw in a coffee table book once: “The greatest gift a man can give to his children is to love their mother.” Great list.
Begins well enough, but it’s heteronormative and gender-stereotypical, as the list goes on. Meh.
I like this a lot DD, but not even necessarily for the specific content of it (though, I do agree with most). I like it because it is about raising your son with thought and consideration. Aside from the individual ideas, the fact that they exist in your mind at all will show your son that such consideration is in itself a valuable way to live. That will be the lesson underneath the lessons.
Great list, and I would emphasize #1. There is nothing I wish I had learned more than to be a confident dancer. Alas, my two left feet are all thumbs. To those who question the absence of God or faith in the list: The entire book of Esther never mentions God. Just because you don’t see his name, doesn’t mean He isn’t there. I personally believe, that as men, one of the greatest ways we can honor our God or whatever higher power you believe in is to raise up our children to be solid men and women. And I… Read more »
#14 is about religion too… and politics.
Frankly, from where I sit, whether or not you have religion has absolutely no bearing on how successful you are in life. It’s a tool that some people use to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of life, but it is by no means critical, by no means necessary and by no means compulsory. Many, many people find truth, value, poetry and meaning in life without any traces of religion.
Nice list, but not one thing about believing in God, or even in anything higher or more important than yourself. What do you live for? An important question that every man needs to answer for himself.
#7 is all about exactly those things you mentioned.
You live for your family and the people you love. Everything else is fluff.
@DaveM
So atheists are failures as men?
You live for yourself and your family. There’s a lot of folks (myself included) that don’t believe in any sort of “God” and do just fine.
#8 – Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you won’t have to “fit in.”
#18 – People will judge you by how you look….Keep that in mind when you’re picking out your clothes in the morning.
I disagree with one and think the author missed a very important one. Regarding number 2… It is appropriate to use your fists in defense of others who need your help. Real men are protectors of the weak. Standing by idly when an injustice happens because YOU are not being attacked means you are a coward. Number 21 – There are principles and causes that are larger than you. They are worth risking everything for. You need to think about it and decide what they are. If you can’t think of anything or anyone who you would not give your… Read more »
I believe #20 is slightly off. My mother’s mothering was a train wreck. I probably learned less from her than anybody else in my life. On the other hand, her mother was truly a saint among us. I wish I knew what happened between them.
#20 isn’t actually about how “good” your mother is. It’s about loving your wife, holding her above all others, and showing your kids what it means to love unconditionally.
I felt the same about #20. I’m sure that guy who wrote “A Child Called It” hoped for better than his mother. My own mother was terrible. Everything I learned about being a parent came from NOT doing what she did or doing the exact opposite. My MIL doesn’t impress me that much either. My point is, mothers are not always a standard to aim for.
“When picking a wife, you can never do better than your mother.”
Are you kidding? My mother was an abusive drunk, who neglected us and physically assaulted myself, my father, and my five brothers and sisters. This kind of “all mothers are saints” garbage is both ridiculous and offensive. Leave it out next time.
I’ve mentioned this before in the responses, but it seems to get lost in the clutter. #20 isn’t about how “perfect” your mother is. It’s about loving someone and holding them above all others so your children can see by example what it means to love someone unconditionally.
When I saw the title of the article, I had hoped that there would be a number devoted specifically (and simply) to telling sons “I Love You.” And there isn’t. Sad. I’m not suggesting that some dads don’t tell their sons this already, but it should really be included in any parental list of “things one should tell their children,” shouldn’t it?
You’re absolutely right, and that’s been addressed elsewhere in the comments, but it tends to get lost in the clutter. First of all, this isn’t supposed to be an all-encompasing list… as if to say there are 20 things you should tell your kids and that’s it.
For me it seemed a shame to waste a line item on a list like this for something so “well duh”, such a no-brainer. But yes! “I love you”. Of course.
The first thing a father should say to his son is: “I love you and I always will. You (and my other children) are more precious to me than anything could ever be.” It sounds mushy but when he grows up he will appreciate it.
Not that I got any of that from my old man.
And I am, quite frankly, a psychological mess partly because of that.
“11) Respect the woman you are with. No matter how badly you want to, don’t make your move until she tells you that it’s OK.” Actually, this is a lesson in nice-guy-itis. I cannot tell you how IRRITATING it is (not to mention mood-killing) to have to be the one to initiate _everything._ And given that guys wanna be intimate with girls, that a guy now practically expects girls to initiate, using this “respect” as the cop-out line, is a real let-down. To be desired by one you admire is the only aphrodisiac. If you turn the desiring into another… Read more »
Wow, what shaming of passive guys!
“Guys, do the first move always, because I can’t be bothered to do it, and I’m a universal woman.”
Gotta disagree with you there, Jane. I agree that if I want to make a move I should be allowed, but a guy sitting on his hands waiting for me to say some magic words means nothing is going to get off the ground–but that’s not what that point in the article was about. I went on a date last week with a guy who was ignoring my signals of being uncomfortable with canoodling in public on a first date and kept pushing at it. I had a great time otherwise, and if he had slowed the heck down and… Read more »
Don’t over analyze it. When you boil it down to it’s ultimate essence, it’s about RESPECTING a woman more than anything else. Nothing is less respectful than physically pushing yourself on a woman who isn’t ready for or doesn’t want the physical advances.
However you read the signals, it doesn’t really matter. Just make sure you get the signals right before you plot a course and charge ahead.
-Dork Dad
Apparently, the number one lesson is ‘Don’t be gay.’ In what year was this list written?
Wow. That’s the #1 thing you got out of this? I can appreciate being attuned to a particular social issue that’s close to your heart, but I don’t see anything wrong with projecting my children will grow into a scenario that 95% (or more) naturally find themselves in.
My gay colleague regularly refers to his partner as his “wife”. It generally gets a good chuckle from everyone around the table, his partner included.
Take a deep breath. Release your anger. Not everyone is attacking you. Not everyone is judging you.
Apparently, the number one lesson is ‘Don’t be gay.’ What year was this list written?
The only thing that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is the casual assumption that the boy will grow up to want a female partner. In cases like this, when you’re talking about a boy who’s too young to know about his sexuality, it’s very important to keep language as gender-neutral as possible. You don’t want to blur the line between “the norm” in the statistical sense (most boys will grow up to have opposite-sex relationships) and “(ab)normal” in the ethical sense.
From a statistical sense, it’s safe to project that my American son will grow up to be an American adult. There is a chance that he may become an ex-pat someday, but I don’t see a problem with choosing your language to comport with the most statistically significant likelyhood. The key is not to set a stigma on anything that falls outside those statistics. If my kids want to be Canadian, who gives a rip? Just so long as they call home once in a while. The key is also not to overcorrect and make a problem where there isn’t… Read more »
The problem is that the world isn’t just for the majority, and inclusive language costs nothing. Heterosexism isn’t a remotely trivial problem if it actually affects you as a kid, when you’re confronted with thousands of publications, films, tv programs and so on, that contain couples that look nothing like the relationship you want, use gendered language that’s wrong for you, etc. etc., just because it’s “more convenient” to cater to the majority, rather than to risk upsetting the bigots who would rather gay people didn’t exist. Creating an expectation, even a subtle one, that a boy will grow up… Read more »
Love them all apart from number 20. We can’t presume that everyone is from a functional family where the mum has a healthy relationship with their son/daughter. And a man needs to individuate…. leave his mother’s house. Part of that is choosing his own mate imho. If your mum happens to like your choice, then happy days. Love number 4.
Fantastic list. I kind of went “Merh??” at #20 but then realized you’re talking about unconditional love, not finding a partner just like your mom.
I think the “hater” comments to this article (not the ones who are disagreeing, but the ones who are genuinely going off on a rant) have missed the point. This list is about breaking boys down? Hardly. How is “respect other people”, “disagree without flaming”, and “be yourself” breaking someone down?
Nice list. Did someone actually disagreed with #13 – sometimes a date with your spouse is less important than football? seriously? Good luck. I see nothing contradictory about 7+8 and 18. I work in a profession that is very, very much about appearance. When I chose to dress very well or look very good for a particular situation, that’s me having the people skills to know how the world works and the intelligence to put that to use for me — not me caving in to the peer pressure to dress a certain way. There’s an important, nuanced difference between… Read more »
“When picking a wife, you can never do better than your mother.”
What’s the rationale behind #20? My main fear about getting married is that I’ll make the same mistakes as my father, and get stuck in a relationship with an abusive woman who makes life a hell for everyone around her, but be unable to leave because the law won’t let me take my children with me, and I dare not leave them alone with her.
I’ll repeat my response to Will:
“Well, 20 is ment to be more of an example of how a man should love his wife. It’s a leap to connect those dots, I know, but I think the best thing a man can do for his kids is love their mother. Kids need to be secure in the relationship between their parents so they can focus on other things. If they know how much I love their mother, if they see how I put her above all others, they also learn what it means to love a spouse unconditionally.”
The list for men: 20 ways to say ‘You are a monster. Control yourself!’. It is a list about tearing boys down.
The list for women: 20 ways to say ‘You are precious. Ignore anyone who says different!’. It is a list about building girls up.
That anyone would take them seriously is laughable. Victorian prudery against men. Progressive enlightenment towards women.
Aah. You have to expect the anger to come from somewhere when you post a list like this.
The best any of us can do is offer our children advice to function in the world as we understand it. The alternative is to tell them nothing. That, surely, would be worse.
There are a lot of things to tell a kid, but this is all stick and no carrot. And yes, too much of this does come from the assumption that males are inherently ‘bad’. Tell him that you’re proud of him. Tell him to be the best he can be at whatever he chooses to do. Tell him that he’s good, that there’s nothing wrong with being who he is. Do not teach him to put women ahead of himself just because they are women; his wife and his daughters, but no one else. His mother’s job is to protect… Read more »
Thanks for the list.
I disagree with 13. Even though family is important & essential, you have to put yourself first sometimes.