Jon Vickers provides seven basic and practical tips for dads who suddenly find themselves going it alone due to a divorce.
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Here are a couple of practical things to get you back on track and avoid the possibly depressing, wallowing, shaming, scared and loathsome first year after your divorce. Disclaimer: the following list might come off as slightly chauvinistic and crude. Because that’s exactly what a man needs after failing at a long term relationship. Don’t worry, one day you will be back to being the sensitive and empathetic man that would make your mother proud. But not today my friend.
- Do not take any days off of work for at least 6 months. I know, I know. This is exactly the opposite of what people have been telling you. Friends are probably in your ear right now saying you need to take some time and find yourself again. Take a “bro” vacation, get away for a few days, blah blah blah. This could not be more wrong. First off, many divorces are costly endeavors. Your goal should be injecting your checking account with all the hard earned cash that has been siphoned off by blood sucking lawyers, moving companies and all those trips to Macy’s the last few years. Few things in capitalist Merica make a man feel better than money and the stuff money buys. It’s a cold hard truth. There is no better confidence builder and self-esteem calcifier than a robust source of WAM (Walking Around Money). So get to work and start stacking bread. It is astonishing how much money you can save being single. The vacation you take to celebrate the anniversary of your divorce will be much more satisfying when you have saved enough to do what you really want. More importantly, vacations when you are single are fucking depressing. Even if you are with a group of friends, the images flying through your brain about how things would be different if you were sharing these special trips with your ex are unavoidable. And god-forbid you go out of town with any other couples—let’s just not go there. Stay home and start focusing on fixing the cracked foundation of your life before taking a 4 day weekend. I will even include the “exercising some demons” Casino/strip club trip your already planning. As shocking as this sounds, my advice is stay away for at least six months. You’re going to get drunk, spend a weeks’ worth of pay and feel horrific for the next five days.
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- Listen to gangsta rap. Stay with me on this one please. I never liked rap music, still don’t actually. But there is no better elixir to a frustrating end to a frustrating relationship than NWA blasting in the factory speakers of your Ford Fusion. It helps channel emotions we as men are not good at comprehending.
- Get a project, not a hobby. The difference between a project and a hobby is you have something to show for your time, money and effort in the end. The first year is all about progress. Going from where you are right now (the low point) and making some positive momentum forward. Let’s face facts; your weeknight social calendar is pretty open anyway. Instead of sitting on the couch drinking beer or going to the bar at Applebee’s with the other divorced dudes in your town, get a project. If you’re fortunate enough to keep the house, try doing some home improvement. If you have been relegated to apartment/condo obscurity, then try working on something else like car, furniture, boat, painting, writing, beer making, etc.
- If you don’t know how, then learn to cook. And not just grilling either, that’s amateur hour. Cooking is not hard, but it takes some practice and will add to your overall enjoyment when you’re at home by yourself on a regular work night. It’s healthier, saves money, makes you a better parent and women love a man who can cook.
- Speaking of women. Date a few who you don’t think are compatible to you just to get your confidence up. This one is pretty straight forward but let’s think about it like this: You probably have not been in the dating scene for a while. Not really confident because your life is a work in progress and it’s harder to meet people in your 30s.
- Avoid the weird facial hair/haircut/clothing phase many divorcees go through. Conventional wisdom states you are now free from spousal criticism, and thus free to grow the wicked awesome (fill in the blank) you have always wanted but your wife would never let you. Do yourself, your family and society a favor and don’t.
- Be a great Dad. One way or the other, you will be pissed off about the custody situation. Either you are paying too much for child support, not seeing your kids enough, she’s not seeing them enough, etc. It’s OK to be angry. Just don’t let your kids see it….ever. When it’s time to pick up the kids, show up early. Even if she is going to be late (like she always is) show up on time, and maximize your Dad time. Take them places, cook them dinner, do their homework because your children need you. Everyone else thinks you are a loser, but your kids think you are a superhero. Also, if you are only getting your kids every other weekend, just keep showing up on time and being an awesome parent. Take the higher ground. Trust me; you will start getting more time with your kids. Your ex-wife needs all the help she can get; she just doesn’t know it yet. As the animosity and anger fades each month, every other weekends will turn into random Wednesday nights and more by the end of the first year. Let’s say your ex-wife wants you to watch the kids because she’s going to a Bon Jovi concert on a random Thursday night. Most ex-husbands would get pissed and be like “hell no, I’m not watching the kids so you can go party.” This is the wrong tactic. Your marriage is over, let her go. You get an extra night with your kids and that is infinitely more important than holding any grudge.
The first post-divorce year is a crucial one. Men have a tendency to feel better when they have positive life momentum. Get off the couch, go on some dates and hustle. Force yourself to improve. Channel your anger, sadness and overwhelming emotions into effort. Be a better parent, homemaker, employee and friend.
Who knows, this divorce might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Photo: Flickr/Gaurav Bedi
I like this list.
And if any guys complain about not getting enough time with their kids and then complain if their ex asks them to watch the kids “on her time”, they need a good shake.
I love all the “extra time” I get with my kids when their mom is busy with her life.
My wife thinks my ex takes advantage of me in this regard, but I don’t care. I get more time with my kids.
How does dating women you aren’t compatible with make you more confident? And in what ways should you not be cmpatible with them?
I was thinking the same thing.
A date where you aren’t compatible isn’t very likely to be a good one, and a bad date isn’t much of a confidence booster.
Maybe if you have it really easy getting dates (which seems like an oxymoron in itself if you are just getting out of a divorce), but then why waste that “talent” on dating incompatible women?
I like this. It’s great. The part about getting a project is also a great idea.
The working six days a week thing is tough. I have my kids every other weekend and Tuesdays and Thursdays. Although I do need some walk around money for sure. I should get a part time job!