No one should ever have to deal with bullying alone. Here are a few tips on how to talk to your children who might be dealing with bullies.
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By Aija Mayrock
Dear Parents,
I started getting bullied in 3rd grade. I’m 19 now and I’m happy, but I wasn’t happy for many years.
I was told I was “worthless,” “disgusting” and that I should die day in and day out. I would be lying if I said it didn’t take a toll on me.
The biggest mistake I made throughout all of those years was not talking to my parents. But I just didn’t know how to talk to them. I felt like they could never understand. I thought that they would also make things much worse.
Years later, I realized something. They probably couldn’t understand exactly what I was going through. But that didn’t matter. They didn’t need to understand. They just needed to know what was going on, so that I wasn’t going through the darkness alone. I now know that this would have made a great difference to me.
So when I started writing my book “The Survival Guide to Bullying,” I decided to make the ultimate communication chapter. My chapter “Getting Help” teaches kids how to talk to their parents and hopefully gives parents a hint, as to how to talk to their kids.
Below, please find a few of those tips that I wish I had had during the 8 years I was bullied. I hope they help you and your kids. No one should ever have to go through bullying alone.
Sincerely,
Aija Mayrock
- Believe your child.
A lot of people believe that bullying is just “kids being kids.” But it’s NOT. Bullying effects 13 million American kids every year and has lasting effects into adulthood. If your child tells you that they are being bullied, believe them. It’s a big step for kids to have the bravery to confide in their parents about this. I couldn’t even do it. So acknowledge their feelings and concerns. Tell them that you will be right there always. Discuss plans and solutions for their situation.
- Talk it out, but don’t bombard your child.
Some kids won’t tell you that they are being bullied. They might be scared, think that it’s their fault or simply not want to acknowledge it themselves. If your son or daughter seems withdrawn, anti-social or just different– talk to them. As someone who is still a teenager, I never like it when my parents bombard me with questions or concerns. It freaks me out and makes me less open to confide in them. So, have a casual conversation in a moment that feels natural. Ask them how they are doing in school, how their friends are, etc… All normal questions, but hopefully questions that will allow your kids to open up.
- Listen. Listen. Listen.
When you’re being bullied, it’s almost impossible to find someone to vent to. Personally, I loved when I could spill all of my feelings out. I wasn’t looking for someone to necessarily respond–I just wanted to know that my feelings were valid and someone cared enough about me to listen. So listen to your child and let them spill everything out to you. Then, feel free to give them your thoughts, advice and suggestions.
- Make sure your daughter or son knows that you are on THEIR side.
In the moments where I knew that my parents were on my side 100%, I felt the most safe and at ease. In school environments, it often is a “he said, she said” situation and people take sides. It’s very scary to be bullied, but it’s even scarier if no one believes you. So make sure that your child knows that you are on their side completely. Creating a safe, comfortable environment will allow your son or daughter to come to you more frequently and with more honesty.
- Choose your words wisely.
When I was in school, I responded to some words differently than others, even if they meant the same thing. For instance, saying “You should tell your bully X” versus “If you want, one thing you could say to your bully is X.” This always made me feel like I had an option, rather than an order. I still respond better to the second version, and I believe it is useful to give advice to your child that allows them to have a part in choosing the solution.
- Ask for permission first.
I would always tell my parents not to go to the school, because it made things worse. In my situation, this was true. But the most important thing is that my parents didn’t go without my permission. This allowed me to once again feel like they were on my side and I could trust them. Even though you might feel like you are helping your kid by going to the school, if you do it without their permission, you are ruining the trust they have in you. And when you are being bullied, it is extremely difficult to have trust in anyone. So keep that trust alive and work to find a happy medium.
- Be patient.
The first time you talk to your child about bullying, they might not open up. Don’t get frustrated. Just be patient. Continue to have conversations– perhaps start in different ways each time. They will eventually come to a point where they will confide in you. But it might take time. It took me many years, but I got there.
My parents’ support has allowed me to survive and thrive. I wish I knew how to speak to them when I was being bullied. So I hope these tips and my book will help facilitate wonderful conversations between you and your kids.
No one should ever go through this alone.
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This article originally appeared on Maria Shriver.com
Photo credit: Getty Images