There are eight comments and questions that Henry Amador-Batten gets as a gay dad that drive him crazy. Here is why.
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- When are you going to tell him he’s adopted and how do you think he’ll take the news?
We’re not, we are planning on waiting until he is either eighteen or just senses that he’s different to SURPRISE him with the news. Adoption is not a bad word, we have used the term since he was born. Firstly we are two men, as soon as the birds and the bees fly into our home he might start to get an inkling but by the time that rolls around he will be very comfortable with the idea of how our family was created. I had an ex many moons ago whose mom got pregnant at a very young age, her parents sent her away to have the child so that no one would know. Her father was a very well respected hospital director in Paris so after the birth he had the child brought to his hospital where he and his wife so graciously adopted him as their own, get it, grandparents now the parents. The ex was raised in that home thinking his mother was his sister, he found out as an adult the real truth and now at the age of 57 still suffers from that lie. I know how lies and secrets can effect someone, I know how well he took the news. Our boy will never suffer that as the truth will always be spoken in this house. Another story, we just met a cute mom and her daughter at the park, they were there with a dotting grandmother and we all quickly became chummy, It was not long in the conversation that we came to find out that the little girl had been adopted. The sad part about this story is that whenever the grandma said the word adoption, she whispered it as if it were a four letter word. I understand that folks of certain generations just never spoke so freely of such things but today things are different. Adoption is a word that will never be whispered in our home and our son will never be ashamed of it.
So to answer the question, we essentially already have and so far, he’s doing quite well.
- What will you say when he asks for his mommy?
Our son does not have a mommy, he has two daddies, or more specifically, a daddy and a papa. He does have a birth-mother and we are comfortable letting him know all about her when the time is right but at the moment our family is all that he knows and all that he needs. All children ask for daddies and mommies, they hear other kids refer to them and they read stories that contain all types of family structures so when, and if, he ever asks for one I’ll just remind him of who we are, what we have and how damn lucky we all are.
- You’re doing such a great job!
I love this one and it personally crawls right up under my skin, I know that its usually said with the best intentions but come on now, think about it. For example, we recently took our son to his three year visit at his pediatricians, a lovely person with admittedly no other two dad families in her practice. Our son is doing well, he’s growing and gaining weight and has an awesome vocabulary and can do all the things a three year old should and many that a three year old should not be doing, lord help us, he is a busy, busy boy. His pediatrician said as we were leaving, “you two are really doing a great job, good job guys!!” now what exactly does that mean? would she have praised a heterosexual couple the same way? would she have praised a biological mother for doing what parents are supposed to do? I think not, there is an implication there that dads don’t do certain things naturally as well and it’s doubly layered with gay dads where there is no mother figure in the scenario at all. You see a straight dad can do little harm with the kids because mom will be there soon to straighten up the mess or make sure the kids get a good meal in or are bathed properly, you know, cared for. But when gay dads succeed in raising their children they get that extra pat on the back and believe us, we don’t need it and certainly don’t want it, were just doing our job.
- Do you ever want one that’s “really yours?”
He is ours, really ours and just because he is adopted should not give anyone the freedom to imply that it’s not that same as a biological child. This question gives you the “do not pass go and go directly to jail card,” immediately.
- He seems so well adjusted.
Why wouldn’t he be? Folks have been inundated with this study or that study that says that children growing up with gay parents are lacking something. There was actually a study done that says that children of same sex parents are actually BETTER adjusted than their peers with opposite sex parents. Children need love, security and a family that will hold them close and up forever. Children that come into gay families are rarely accidents, they are almost always planned for and dreamed for and therefore well ahead of the game as compared to some of their counterparts. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh but it’s true.
- But don’t you think he needs a mother and a father?
The traditional family is no longer the norm. according to the latest Pew Report less than 46% of children under the age of 18 live in a home with two married heterosexual parents in a first marriage.
So what does that mean? It means that families look very different today, step parents, grandparents, gay parents and single parents all raising children in their own, unique ways. So do I think he needs a mother and a father? No.
- He’s so lucky that you gays (I mean guys) adopted him.
Oh he is one lucky kid, not because he was adopted, taken from a less than lovely situation and brought into your home, but simply because he was adopted by gay guys, (yes folks, we have indeed heard this) oh you know, we are all so well traveled. well versed, tidy and creative he will live in a Martha Sewart-esq fairyland (no pun intended). Well trust me, that’s not what all gay homes look like, we do not all have that expendable income you may have heard about. Many gay dads whipped through that double male income just to have kids and face it, when kids come into a house everything changes. The lalique was boxed up the day he started crawling and our house always looks like a hurricane hit it, seriously, always.
- He looks so much like your husband, is he his?
My husband is a blond hair blue eyed cutie and I am the Hispanic one. Our adopted son is a trio of Mexican, Italian and a tad of Trinidadian thrown in for good measure, My husband often hears that our son look like me and is then asked if I am the father, perhaps they wonder if we used a surrogate and I was the donor, I don’t know but regardless, we are BOTH his dads and pointing out the difference or questioning who he may have come from is really not that cool. Remember number 6, families today are formed in countless different ways, so when in doubt, don’t blurt it out.
Originally seen on The Next Family.
Just as an FYI as far as the” You’re doing such a great job!” thing goes: I’m pretty sure you might be projecting with this one. I could be wrong of course, but in my personal experience, this is just what doctors say to parents. ALL parents. Doctors, dentists, etc.most likely use itt as a standard thing they say to their patients. I have kids, an in a heterosexual marriage, and I’ve had more than one pediatrician use those exact words. Almost like they learned to do it in school or something. I know other heterosexual parents who have been… Read more »
I think the good job comment is told to everyone. I certainly get it plenty and I’m a woman married to a man. Sure, some people might mean it because there isn’t a woman, but I hope their ignorance doesn’t cloud your day for long. I think that it is fantastic that the two of you are raising a child. I personally think that people should stop with so much judging. After all, is really so much worse to have a child in a loving and stable home with two adults of the same gender, or to have that child… Read more »
I love the article, but I wanted to say that in regard to #3, the answer is yes. We health care professionals DO congratulate parents for doing basic parenting things right, regardless of the gender, age, or other qualifications. It may sound idiotic, but many parents seriously doubt their abilities, and giving that verbal high five can improve outcomes by strengthening a parent’s belief in himself. I work in the NICU and I can’t count the number of times I’ve praised parents for changing a diaper well, holding their baby close, or even just acknowledging that the child is trying… Read more »
I have to say that I have heard all those same comments you mentioned spoken to my boss who along with his husband have an adopted daughter. He also gets comments regarding who is going to tell her so called ‘female’ things when she gets older as if it is any of their business. Jack also used to have that issue with his children’s doctors saying he has done a great job so he confronted the woman on it. His ped doctor laughed and told him that she didn’t care who did the parenting of a child, as far as… Read more »
Loved your post and kudos to you both for making the dream come true. I am a Single mom who had a kid on my own and I agree, the child that is prayed for and wanted and loved before they are even conceived will always have the comfort of knowing their place in their family and in the world. One small point of disagreement, when people tell me “you are doing a good job!” I used to take a bit of umbrage, especially with the single parent thing, that somehow that was a backhanded compliment. Now I realize, given… Read more »
Henry’s bias comes across as if the printed word were spoken seething-mad through his teeth. Henry, my wife and I get comment all the time from our pediatrician that we’re “doing a great job.” As others have stated, it’s a pretty standard well-visit comment. In fact, the pediatrician will often state, “You guys are doing a great job,” when only one of the two of us is there with our child(ren). Perhaps, you could lighten up a bit and not think that everyone is assuming the worst from you both and let their comments, whether they bother you or not,… Read more »
Standard comment “You are doing a great job–good job mom” I get that from just about every doctor and dentist. I think you might be too sensitive on this one or you just haven’t hung out with many heterosexual moms. As an adoptive mom I can tell you we all get “he/she is so lucky to have you” Yeah right –my teens periodically hate me! Also we get ” so are any of them actually yours” Idiots ! they are all ours no matter how they came into our family. I don’t even bother answering those questions anymore.
Hi,
first: I’m italian, so sorry for my English.
I’m 20 and I live with a traditional family, my mum and my dad are married from the 1988 and they are Catholic Christians, there is only a “problem”: I’m lesbian.
It’s a difficult situation, I always dreamed of being a mum, but in Italy it’s almost impossible for me and my girlfriend.
It was really a pleasure read about yours family, I really hope I can be happy as you one day.
Thanks
xoxo
Luana
Thank you and good luck to you!
Your child does have a mother and by denying that, you are denying half of who he is. Adoption begins with loss, so lucky is not a word adoptees like to hear. Read ‘The Primal Wound.’ It will help you get halfway to understanding what your child might go through as they grow. I have two wonderful adopted parents, I have never got over the loss of my natural mother – even after successful reunion. Here are some things adoptees don’t want to hear: ‘you are lucky, you should be grateful, you were chosen, you shouldn’t need to find your… Read more »
Hi Linda. We have never denied the fact that he has a birth-mother, we actually have a file ready for him when the time is appropriate that contains all her information so that he may contact her if he chooses to. He does not however have a mommy, he has two daddy’s. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the often ignored, dark side of adoption. Henry
My partner and I adopted our son when he was just 3 days old. He is now 10 and is a very well adjusted kid. We have heard every question and comment that Henry Amador-Batten writes about and yes, it has gotten old. I mean, when someone says, “You’re doing such a great job!”, I smile and just say “thanks” and then change the subject. It’s obvious we are doing a good job as parents by the way our son handles himself around others. Good parenting, whether it is by gay or straight parents, is something that is part instinct,… Read more »
I have to say that my pediatrician has told me that I’m doing a great job. She STILL does and my kids are 21, 17 and 15. I honestly found it really reassuring when my first born was a baby and a toddler. I think it is a standard part of the well child visit.
Yes, every parent who is doing a good job, gets told that by the pediatrician and others. Esp if its the first child that the couple or individual is raising. It has nothing to do with you being straight or gay, a couple or single. There are many parents who aren’t doing a good job, who’s kids aren’t well adjusted or developing like they should be. Take that compliment for what it is, an acknowledgment that is just true. Its not meant as an attack against you personally.
Henry, A couple of things: First I just want to say that as a single father many of your points resonate with me. Secondly, and this is a sad irony, I truly believe that same-sex marriage and parenting–particularly involving men–leading to same-sex divorce along with the accompanying custodial issues will be the great equalizer when it comes to gender equity in family law. When a judge is confronted with issues that are hard to consider in the context of traditional gender stereotypes, falling back on those stereotypes with be harder and courts will have to reconsider old modes of thinking.… Read more »
Ben, thank you for sharing. You have provoked my thoughts and made some strong, interesting and true statements. For that I thank you! Cheers to a good New Year.
Henry
As a single dad with a not very involved mother to my child I used to get the ‘good job’ stuff all the time. So annoying, as if it is surprising that a man would be able to or interested enough to care for a child without a woman doing all the work while I drink beer and watch the football.
I always preferred when waitresses would tell me he was very polite. I liked that compliment.
Just to say, I am often being told that I’m doing “a great job” bringing up my son (who’s now 8), or words to that affect , especially by doctors but also opticians, dentists, child minders, music teachers etc) so think it’s a pretty standard comment.
I think the “good job” comment from doctors is standard, actually. My friend who is married to a dude hears it when she goes to the pediatrician, so don’t feel stressed about that. :0
I was coming on to say that I loved the article. I have one bio/adopted and 3 adopted children. We have never kept their origin a secret…it’s just a small part of their story. However, with all of my kids I have heard “you are doing a great job” from doctors so I think that’s just a standard phrase from them. All of the other questions from the “the child is lucky” to the “he looks like you” (which we call “God’s Genetics”) except for the “don’t you think he needs a Mom” comment have been thrown at us. We… Read more »
I was going to say the same thing…I got/get the “good job” comment all the time. I do love the article though. The reason people ask most of these is because they just don’t know and who better than the real thing to ask. So putting this info out there is a great idea.
As somebody who really wants to have kids one day I just wanted to say that you and your husband are engaged in the most wonderful process imaginable–literally helping to forge what this little fellow will offer humanity. That’s really cool and I appreciate you sharing your experience in this article.
Thank you for the kind words and good luck on your journey.
Henry