This dad was not brought up to feel confident. He felt scared and helpless. It is his goal that he raise his own son to be nothing like that.
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I always remember the old adage: we are taught by example. So what do you do if your example was not very beneficial? Or worse yet, what would happen when the example that was set for you led to personal self-doubt, insecurity, and a lack of compassion for others? The result can be difficult to understand and often we wind up living in a world of apologizing for our own shortcomings and the choices that we make. I suppose that we could push through life that way, but eventually we are called upon to set the example for someone else. Now, I’m not talking about mentoring someone at your workplace or being a leader to a group of peers or friends, I’m talking about becoming a father. The notion of becoming a father was scary enough when my daughter was born, but the next one, my son, easily pushed my trepidation right over the edge.
I suppose the problem started when I began looking back at my own childhood. I had a father and he was (relatively) present in my life. I mean he was there, somewhere, trying to do his own personal best. Unfortunately, his personal best wouldn’t really measure up to what most would consider being a great dad — or even a good dad. I spent most of my childhood feeling scared and helpless with a general dread over doing anything and everything. Communicating with others was not a strength I developed until much later in life and building meaningful relationships would have been considered a weak skill at best. I had a very tight network of friends (like one, maybe two) and wasn’t able to spread my wings much further. I was often paralyzed by my fears and feelings of inadequacy that kept me from ever expressing myself. Sports were really not an option, being that my father didn’t particularly enjoy watching or supporting that type of thing, and made it quite obvious. While I seemed to manage and make it through childhood and into adulthood with only a few bumps in the road, it was the birth of my son that pushed me over that proverbial edge.
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If there is one thing I know, the best way to face your fears is to just avoid them altogether. Okay, maybe that’s not the best way, but it certainly worked for me — at least through a couple of those early fatherhood years. The trouble is, eventually parenting starts to require more than a passing diaper change, a trip to McDonalds or a “good job, keep it up”. Yes, at some point we must stand up, we must face the music, we must rise to the occasion and realize we are faced with the choice to simply be a father or actually become a dad. I realized this a few years into my own parenting fiasco and I decided that I certainly wasn’t going to allow my own upbringing to affect what I was going to do with this innocent young soul, my son! Now clearly I was lying to myself, it was more like: okay, it’s time to see what I am really capable of. I dove right in and often found myself in many uncomfortable situations that I dreaded. I went to as many birthday parties, soccer games, baseball games, basketball games and gymnastics meets I could get my hands on. Now, was I the dad coach? No way. That is way too far outside my own comfort zone. But I did show up, clapped, cheered, hugged and was always genuinely proud of my son’s effort. Before long, I realized that I was actually doing it! I started to enjoy it all and more than anything, got pure joy in watching my son do things that he loved.
I will never forget the day it finally arrived, the day when it hit me that my son was NOTHING like me. There was nothing remarkable about that day and certainly the sky didn’t part, nor did I hear thunder roar. I wish it was something that exciting, but on this day it was simply watching my son interact with a group of kids. It was really by accident and he never knew I was watching. He certainly never knew the profound affect it would have on me. I caught a glimpse of my son, talking, entertaining, making people laugh and really just being himself. It hit me at that moment that my son was just being the person that he is. I was quite sure that I didn’t have anything to do with this. I witnessed true nature vs. nurture. I was so grateful that he wasn’t like me. It immediately warmed my heart and even brought a lump to the back of my throat. I am fairly certain that most dads want their son to be just like them, this may be that they are truly proud of the man they have become or maybe just because it familiar and easier. If they were (or are) an athlete, they want their child to be an athlete. If they are great speakers, they think their children should be orators as well. If they are compassionate people, naturally they are breeding compassion in their offspring. I know this, yet I felt complete joy in seeing my son was nothing like me. At six years old my son was his own man, standing on his own two feet, showing the world that he is the most secure and confident kid around.
Although years have passed, I remember that day like it was yesterday. My son continues to grow and I continue to struggle to raise this young man. I know growing up the example I had wasn’t the best, but if it taught me nothing at all, I at least know I want to be different, and I want to have a different relationship with my son than I did with my father. I am raising my little man to grow into a big man and to not only be confident, sensitive and compassionate to others. I am guiding him to be the person he is and is destined to become. I am teaching him, who will someday have a son of his own and teach his child what being a dad is all about. I am raising him to be nothing like me — and that’s good enough for me.
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Photo: Flickr/Lee