Dads can often be forgotten in the devastation of a miscarriage. One dad shares his experience in hopes of helping other dads going through it.
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October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.Miscarriage is a mysterious and devastating thing. Here is the story of this Dad’s miscarriage.
My wife and I had planned to get pregnant and could not have been happier when we saw the 2 blue lines. But — During week 6 the storm began when my wife found a small amount of blood. We quickly googled and found out about spotting; common, perfectly normal bleeding during early pregnancy. We put it down to this, but the doctor still booked an appointment at the emergency scan department of the hospital. We were sitting in a corridor, opposite the sonographer’s room. Women and couples go into the room with an anxious look on their face and come out either crying or gleefully holding a baby scan picture. We sat there and wondered our fate. Overjoyed or distraught?
We ended up feeling neither — The sonographer examined, and came to the conclusion that it was too early to tell, booking us in for another emergency scan in 2 weeks’ time. That way the heartbeat would definitely be seen. (Or not).
This next time the fetus had grown but there was still no visible heartbeat. No one could explain it and no one could confirm viability either way. We lived the following weeks on edge, anxious and pensive. All the while this was happening we were planning our wedding for the end of the summer. What should have been an exciting time of preparations was overcast by a huge cloud of uncertainty and potential devastation. Just before our pre-wedding honeymoon was our third scan — Still no heartbeat but more growth! The doctor said, because of the growth, she couldn’t definitively say to us that we would lose the baby. Instead she gave a 95% chance of miscarriage at any point and informed us that people in Greece also have miscarriages and that we should still go. We had a decision to make? Miss our holiday and loose the money, or go and risk it? We decided to go, but all the while our thoughts were else where.
On our return, general wedding stress levels were non-existent. The Tuesday before the wedding saw us, yet again, in the emergency scan waiting room for a fourth scan. We hid ourselves from the others, knowing that it would more than likely be bad news. This time, there was still no heartbeat but also no growth. We were told it was just a matter of time before the body rejected the unviable fetus and the miscarriage began. We had 2 options:
- Let the miscarriage happen naturally over the wedding, or
- Opt for the SMM (Surgical Management of Miscarriage) and cancel the wedding?
Ever been between a rock and a hard place?
We decided to crack on with the wedding and if the miscarriage started, we’d cross that bridge as and when. It put everything into perspective. It helped us focus on us, and ironically, in amongst the sadness, we had never been so close. We got married with such an intimacy between us.
Three days after the wedding the miscarriage started. It began as a pain in the stomach. She knew it was happening, so we called for our fifth emergency appointment. The bleeding was constant and she had continuous pain. What could I do to make it better? The helpless feeling of inadequacy was fraught and very real.
Seven weeks of uncertainty, hope and despair had come to an end. We booked in for an emergency SMM. We arrived at the hospital and got prepped for the procedure. It was gut-wrenching and as they wheeled my wife out the room I felt like my heart was being pulled out on a trolley too. I couldn’t be with her when she was terrified, I wanted to comfort her, hold her hand and be there for her. Instead, I was in a cold room with just my thoughts as company.
Following the procedure it was so hard to know how to be. I was devastated, but held it in. I wanted to be strong and look after my wife as I knew that she was already heartbroken; me crying would just add to that pain for her. Yet, the moment I let my guard down and really showed how I was feeling through being honest, led to one of the best moments of our relationship. We both held each other and felt the pain together. I think it was that moment that a new, unspoken connection and bond between us grew. It is in these difficult, overcast situations that relationships can really develop. For that I am thankful.
Almost a year on I look back at that time look on it with favour. This happening could have ruined me, our relationship and any chance of a family together but we’ve used it for the opposite. It has made us stronger, more intimate and more open with each other. We made a conscious decision to keep trying and that’s exactly what we did. We are now imminently expecting a little boy.
My hope is that through reading about my experience it opens the door for other Dads to talk openly. Especially, because miscarriage is such a mysterious and devastating thing.
Originally appeared on The Dad Network
Photo: Flickr/Stefan Beautier
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Thanks for raising this issue. Miscarriage is often a silent sorrow – undiscussed in the day to day world and unsupported. However, it is, as you say, surprisingly common (25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage). I went through a miscarriage myself, and had surgery. It sent me into a whole new set of thoughts that I had never imagined before (Who was my child? Does this ‘count’ as parenting? Where has my child ‘gone’?). My husband felt everything would eventually resolve with the arrival of a healthy child – and he was right – we had a child and have… Read more »
I was not callous, I shared my pain on a site, in response to an article on the subject. The only callous person exposed was yourself and it is quite clear in the words you posted. It did seem however expose someone’s personal failings and sexism and for that I’m glad the hatred and bigotry was unmasked for all to see.
You didn’t share your pain. You used the internet as a platform to shame your wife. Uncool. I never talk about my spouse with the naked contempt with which you talk about yours. I’m glad your hatred and towards your sick wife has been exposed, however, I’m saddened that those who will most harmed by it (your poor kids) will not benefit from that exposure. For those of you watching at home: If you find yourself hating your spouse for an illness especially years on) or seeing them as a constant drain on you, GET HELP, expecially if there are… Read more »
My wife was not the physically sick one…. I was the chronically ill one. Your naked contempt for men’s pain and lack of empathy is plainly clear. I pity both your partner and mother over the clear neglect “I never talk about my spouse with the naked contempt with which you talk about yours.” Really? You had no need to mention either of them in your comments here but did multiple times. On very different subject matters. By the way how do you shame someone never mentioned by name? To shame someone you need to call that person out publicly… Read more »
You pity my partner and my mom because I cared for them without hating them or publicly bashing them. Good call, Newt.
Ah, the GMP, where criticizing a man for publicly bashing his sick wife is misandry. Men are infallible, sick women are needy scum.
10 days in two years vs severe cardiac issues every day. …… yep your without empathy. That is why I pity your poor partner. Emotional pain is clearly nothing to you as long as it’s a man’s pain……only women’s pain matters. You called it your self……misandrist beliefs in gender roles.
@Danny: If you don’t understand why this isn’t simply an issue of two parents who need to support each other, I don’t see the point of having this conversation. A person undergoing surgey needs support from their caretaker. A person on hormone treatments, which have erious symptoms, needs support from their caretaker. Pregnancy is an intense physical experience, as is the loss of one. The only issue here is not the loss of the child – it’s the physical labor his wife put into having one. Whether you like it or not, people have more sympathy for a person who… Read more »
You did your best to shame me for how I felt. My wife describes her personal emotional state at that time as a bottomless pit You keep projecting the circumstances of your personal trials and tribulations onto my issues. As for who was “sicker” I was diagnosed as having 3 coronary arteries 100% inoperably blocked just months after our 2nd child was born, I was told the only effective treatment would be a transplant. Stress from all of the miscarriages exasperbated my health issues and the heart issue was a known problem throughout all of this….. angina if anything is… Read more »
Nope, shamed you for your callous words about your wife. Perhaps if you want sympathy, you should present yourself better. I also didn’t have much sympathy for former female friends who described their partners in similar ways. People who talk about smack their partners just aren’t my cup of tea, particularly when there are kids involved.
If you don’t understand why this isn’t simply an issue of two parents who need to support each other, I don’t see the point of having this conversation. You say that this is an issue of two parents who need to support each other. Trey has been saying that in his situation the two parents didn’t support each other but rather one supported the other and none was given in return. A person undergoing surgey needs support from their caretaker. A person on hormone treatments, which have erious symptoms, needs support from their caretaker. Pregnancy is an intense physical experience,… Read more »
It seems that someone took my comments as a violation of gender roles and appointed themselves the righteous enforcer of those roles, I was to be corrected via shaming and her attempted humiliation tactics. Thank you Danny for accepting me at my word and for the emotional support.
Too often miscarriages are seen as only affecting the mother……with a minimum of empathy for the prospective dad. Did it 4 times between #1 and #2 plus fibroid surgery and basic fertility treatments (Gonal-F) Wife was a mess and I had to be the strong one…….lack of support from my wife and others damaged me, being set aside as a unimportant second class person,expected to supply empathy in quantity while receiving almost none. A very hard lonely road to travel.
This is a really terrible comment, and I’m not sure why GMP decided to put it as comment of the day. Yes, your wife got more sympathy, as a person experiencing a medical emergency. Yes, your wife, experiencing a medical emergency, was less available to support you than she otherwise might have been. Caregivers have it hard and need to be supported, but turning around and blaming a sick person for not supporting you well enough during their illness is cruel.
I also had lost 4 prospective children….. I wasn’t just a caregiver, I was a parent that lost 4 children in a row. Thank you for demonstrating the exact point of my comment about the lack of empathy available to dads who lose children through miscarriages. We were very lucky that even though we were in our early 40’s conceiving was quick, in our case damage from fibroids left a fetus few sustainable implantation areas. That meant placentas that couldn’t support a fetus past the first trimester or even past the start of a heart beat. To be at those… Read more »
I think the crux of the issue is that you expected that your wife could support you. She is dealing with the fact that she may not be able to produce children (her body, not yours is not working). I get that you expected other people who showed support and sympathy to your wife to support you but to expect your wife seemed a little bit crass.
The issue was there was NO support from anyone, It’s a cultural blind-spot in how to deal with a father’s loss due to miscarriage. As for my wife, I expected mutual support, at least to a degree…..not a bottomless pit of need, along with a new relationship precedent being set that support was a one way road…..for years there after. Immediate support may have been to difficult but in the years that followed a successful pregnancy? It’s a Cultural blind-spot that dad’s don’t/can’t feel the loss as deeply as moms do. Some of us do. As for who’s body is… Read more »
I think the crux of the issue is that you expected that your wife could support you. She is dealing with the fact that she may not be able to produce children (her body, not yours is not working). I get that you expected other people who showed support and sympathy to your wife to support you but to expect your wife seemed a little bit crass. So wanting support from your spouse is crass? I think this is the result of thinking that support is a one way street in which the man is expected to give a never… Read more »
In my comment, I say that caregivers need to be cared for themselves. I never took issue with that. I took issue with your callousness towards your grieving, ill wife.
“I took issue with your callousness towards your grieving, ill wife”.
What a offensive thing to say. Where was I callous? I was there supporting her every step of the way. As for physical illness we are speaking of a total of less than ten days out of almost a 2 year period. I was speaking of the emotional side and there we were both hurting fairly equally during that time period. Or do you see men as less damaged by all of this….are you really that sexist?
How is this a terrible comment exactly?
The article is about a father’s experience with miscarriage and another father shared his experience with miscarriage.
But did you notice that it wasn’t just his wife that didn’t support him? You could argue that the mother “had reason” to not support him but what was everyone else’s excuse?
This is a terrible comment because it blames his wife for not supporting him. I didn’t comment on ‘everyone else’. What I said was the caregivers have it rough, and need support, but that blaming his wife for not providing it to him is cruel.
Do you think ti’s right to blame the sick for not devoting enough energy to caring for the well?
This is a terrible comment because it blames his wife for not supporting him. I didn’t comment on ‘everyone else’. What I said was the caregivers have it rough, and need support, but that blaming his wife for not providing it to him is cruel. Do you think ti’s right to blame the sick for not devoting enough energy to caring for the well? Is he blaming her? Is he trying somehow hurt her back by sharing this story (hell I wonder if he even shared his pain with her)? As a couple they were in that together. And while… Read more »
Yes, he is blaming her. He says as much right here: “lack of support from my wife and others damaged me, being set aside as a unimportant second class person,” Whether he is trying to hurt her, specifically, by sharing this story, I don’t know. But he certainly bears her ill will for her illness. “Can that same courtesy be shown in return or is this one of those times where he is supposed to “man up” and act like nothing is wrong?” This is one of those times when a caregiver is supposed to act like a grown up… Read more »
“This is one of those times when a caregiver is supposed to act like a grown up and not blame a person for their limitations during an illness”
We were both damaged and hurting emotionally over the miscarriages. It affected us both, I was also a grieving parent. Please stop acting like that was of no consequence. Thanks for all the salt rubbed in my wounds, how much more insensitive can you be?
When my mother became disabled, I helped her around the house and cared for her. I needed help and support, and so I saw a therapist and scheduled one-on-one time with my friends and family. My friends and family didn’t know the pain I was in, but when they did, were happy to help me take care of myself so I could care for mom. What I didn’t do was blame my mother for her infirmnity. It’s not mom’s responsibility to cuddle me and assure me everything is OK when she’s sleeping 16 hours a day and barely lucid on… Read more »
Years later my wife has expressed how ashamed she is of her behavior during and after all of this. Just To open up a wee bit more….. I was found to be totally disabled due to a massive heart condition less than 5 months after our second was born. Stress of all of this came within a hair’s breath of killing me. I’d lived with that same heart ailment for more than 10 years prior ….. So through-out most of this I was the much sicker person and she was fully aware of it. Please stop judging men by ancient… Read more »
I’m not judging you by archaic gender standards. I’m judging you by basic humanity. You blame your wife for not attending to your feelings well enough while sick. As someone who has been a caregiver for family members, I find that reprehensible. You describe your wife as a bottomless pit of need. As a married parent, I find talking about your partner and parent of your children reprehensible, as well.
Perhaps the lack of empathy you received from family is not due to gender bias, but due to the public disregard you show for your co-parent.
What part of 10 days of physical illness over 2 years makes her so sick? She missed less than 6 days work during all of this. These were first trimester miscarriages at 6/7/9 weeks. On the emotional side we were both parents that had lost very much wanted children. So other than those two weeks or so…..we were both equally emotionally devastated. And as I stated “I” was the much more physically compromised during all of this. As for public disregard it’s taken more than 10 years after the fact to openly speak of this on this forum. Like most… Read more »
As someone who has been a caregiver for family members, I find that reprehensible. Were those times a similar circumstance where you were both going through emotional pain? I’ve cared for family members in situations but it was nowhere near the shared pain of a couple going through a miscarriage. Perhaps the lack of empathy you received from family is not due to gender bias, but due to the public disregard you show for your co-parent. Being there and caring for his partner is not a disregard or lack of emapthy. Wanting the care to be a two way street… Read more »
@ reginaldgriswold When I was growing up, we were taught to help others, but we were also taught to never take advantage of a situation in that you didn’t take more than you absolutely needed (ie you made it as easy on the caregiver as you could). Let me give you an example. Someone broke their leg and is bedridden for a time. Their partner makes them breakfast in bed serving them scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, and coffee with 2 creams and 2 sugars. Lets say that you like your coffee with 3 creams and 2 sugars. 1. Do… Read more »
@ reginaldgriswold
It’s unclear from his comment, but I take it that his wife has never supported him in reference to the miscarriages. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the caregiver to expect some empathy from the sick person after the sick person has healed.
The bigger issue is the failure to deal with dads after the loss as co-sufferers and co-grievers. It might not have been my body, yet it was my child that was lost also. During the physical event and the physical healing process the wife clearly takes precedence……after that both parents should be seen as equally injured emotionally. In our case that realignment never took place until years later.
2nd try
As someone who suffered through two with my ex-partner I understand how hard it is. I have no words to adequately describe the experience of your loved one dying inside you, let alone more than once. Fortunately my parents were very forward thinking for their generation and had raised me to be empathetic and open and receptive to my partner so that I could support him and love him and help him to heal his hurts. You have a right to feel the hurt and the pain just as much as she did. It’s sadly all too commonplace that a… Read more »
Thank you for your kind words…. We dealt with this issue in therapy, I was told I had shouldered too much of the burden and that she had crawled too deep inside of her own pain to be able to see that clearly at the time. After she had even more guilt over it when she’d realized how badly I’d been damaged while she had not known how to repair or even approach it. It would have been much better all around, if as the dad I had gotten more support from others rather than just a pat on the… Read more »