Jeff Jackson knows that as a dad he is supposed to model “being a man” to his sons. One problem. He is not exactly sure what that is these days. He explores the question.
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Tae Kwon Do (TKD) is Korean martial arts and focuses more on discipline, respect, concentration, confidence and speed in movement. Even though martial arts are thought to be designed for self-defense, they are more and better applicable for controlled movement and meditation.
The kids have been practicing TKD for almost 5 months. The hardest part of taking them to their TKD workouts is getting them dressed in their uniforms. The good news is that Archibald (not his real name) and Mortimer (not his real name, either) have not had to use their TKD training as self- defense. The bad news is that they have acquired only a little of the aforementioned qualities, BUT they are getting better. When Sergeant Major Mommy (SMM) or daddy give orders to the little kids , it only takes 5 minutes for them to respond to us. Before TKD, it could take up to 37 minutes before we even got their attention. Hey, it’s a process. They are progressing!
I am personally glad that they are taking TKD and the anticipated residual effects from the training are high, i.e., they will enjoy the benefits for years to come. We have attempted several extracurricular activities for little kids like soccer, swimming, skeet shooting and gambling. Parents don’t always know what their kids will like even and especially, if the kids say they will like something. Try everything or whatever the time and wallets and limo services can afford.
There are a few girls in the classes. Good for them and why not? Nowhere is it written that only boys can practice or perform martial arts. Not all boys take to it naturally anyway.
SMM and I want to encourage the kids to explore things that they might be interested in. Archie likes to draw and color. I asked him if he wanted to take some art classes and he said no, he just likes to draw and color. Morty likes to read and talk. I asked him if he wanted his own word processor that he might want to use to write down some stories. He said, absolutely not, but could I use that money instead to build my own bedroom?
Their choice in TV shows has also evolved over the years. They started out watching various cartoons and animated shows. They would watch certain ones for a few months before they got bored with those and moved on to other ones. At one point, they liked a show called My Little Pony. What can I say, it’s a cute and sweet little show. My sexist viewpoint thought it might be more appropriate for little girls than little boys because most of the characters on the show are female (they’re probably all 50 years old with REALLY high voices) and the color schemes on the show are pink and yellow and more pink and more yellow pastel colors. But, Archie really liked the show.
What was I to do? There is a lot written about letting kids choose their own gender identities. I’ve seen little girls at the kids ’ school who were just as active and energetic as my kids . I’ve not seen little boys who were quiet and liked to read. Ok, Mortie likes to read, but he would rather be running amuck. My kids have never shown an affinity for dolls. So, SMM and I decided (like we decide on everything, she decides and I say yes) to let the kids evolve.
The whole question of gender is a tricky one these days, especially for boys, in my humble opinion. Girls have been getting a lot of press about opportunities and attention, etc. But, not so much for boys, except by the parents of boys who want them to grow up and receive equal attention and opportunities.
Plus, how are little boys supposed to grow up to be men? What does manhood consist of these days? What will it look like in 20 years? I spend a lot of my “free time” on social media, like Twitter and Facebook, and I have seen a lot of discussion about teaching boys about what it means to “be a man.”
There is certainly a faction of the population demanding(?) that boys develop their emotional and nurturing side. I can certainly appreciate that since my nurturing side has been tested for the past seven years of my kids ’ existence.
Society is confusing. I’m confused I will admit freely. I’m not confused about my gender, but in what I’m supposed to teach my boys about growing up and becoming men. The kids are seven now. Their rite of passage will happen in a few years as the nefarious teen years approach. I believe my best offense is my best defense, i.e., I will role model what it means to be a man to them. (Not to put any pressure on myself, of course!)
I am sensitive when I feel it is appropriate to be sensitive. Listen, no matter what anybody SAYS, everybody cried on 9/11 and on Newtown, including me. And if anybody says they didn’t cry then they are either a**holes or worthless or both. (It doesn’t matter that I cried when I watched Godzilla or even King Kong). I felt those times were called for. I didn’t cry, well, I don’t rightly remember the last time I cried. However, when SMM asks me to check the light in the backyard at night, I definitely didn’t cry, except for getting out of bed and discovering one of the house lights was on. Nevertheless, I do purposefully try to be empathetic to people.
I had a fellow daddy pour his heart out to me recently all because I was willing to listen, I guess. He was having a situation at home with his wife and daughter and needed some advice, guidance, reassurance. I gave him what I thought was appropriate advice for his situation (you’ll cleverly notice that I am leaving out all details of the conversation) and I reassured him with probably the best example to fight feeling overwhelmed, i.e., other people and daddies have been through the same thing and are probably going through the same thing right now. You are not alone. In reality, none of us are alone regardless of what our conscious mind tells us. Does this make me a man?
The other part of this equation is that I don’t really care what other people think. I will act as appropriately as I can, cry or shout, laugh or sulk, to a given situation and with other people. I will try to act with as much integrity to my own person as I can. I believe that is the key to role modeling to my boys.
Of course, the question that is literally shouting out to me as I type this out is: WILL MY BOYS LISTEN? Of course, I don’t rightly know the answer to that. Sometimes they will, sometimes they don’t. They will forget and act whatever way they want and probably make some mistakes.
That sounds exactly like me.
Photo: Flickr/Miguelb
” Sex education belongs to the family to educate, not the schools, not the government.”
The way families have not been teaching sex education, then you need schools and government to teach it.
Mr.Walsh, if American men had a proper sex education like they have in Europe, then they would not be scared of seeing naked bodies.
“Everyone knows that Democrats are far from poor. What I sites was the top 20. The countless in liberal Hollywood are often heard but seldom do we question their wealth. So the “elite” is in no way restricted to Republicans. And for Hillary to run on the idea that she’s gonna fix things because she understands and claims to be anti-wall street, is BS. Yeah and you have Republicans and business leaders crying that they are broken all the time, but we all know that they are not on the streets of America. The various Republican candidates don’t know how… Read more »
One of the challenges facing males today is the fear or whatever it is of seeing other men naked or being naked in front of other men. In the military privacy was nonexistent. Every male has a penis so there was no shame. When I left the military I was amazed at how many men in locker rooms go the extreme of making sure none of their genitals were seen by other men and making sure that if a man was naked there is an avoidance to the extreme of making sure you never looked at another mans penis. All… Read more »
Peter, I’ve noticed that as well.
Mr. Walsh, if American men had a good sex education program like they have in Europe maybe they would not be so scared of seeing men naked. This Puritan and Christian fearful attitude regarding sex and the human body is detrimental to both men and women.
In my 60 years, I’ve yet experienced any Christian influence that vilifies nudity among males. Not sure how you correlate men being naked in a locker room to sex education. Sex education belongs to the family to educate, not the schools, not the government.
According to this Forbes article, most of your millionaires are political affiliations for the Republicans Party, so I am a little confused: http://www.forbes.com/sites/katiasavchuk/2014/07/09/are-americas-richest-families-republicans-or-democrats/#c48379b717ec
You mean like people like the Koch Brothers would want to have a Plutocracy established in America and controlled every aspect of American life for their own benefit:
http://www.alternet.org/election-2014/11-things-koch-brothers-dont-want-you-know-robert-greenwalds-newly-updated-document
Ronald Reagan took $2 million dollars for making two speeches in Japan or George Bush, Jr. charging $100,000 to a veteran grops consideirng the fact that he had started two wars with no legal justifications and then tried to deny the Iraqi and Afganistan war veterans their medical benefits.
Your link isn’t working
Not my problem regarding the link.
Everyone knows that Democrats are far from poor. What I sites was the top 20. The countless in liberal Hollywood are often heard but seldom do we question their wealth. So the “elite” is in no way restricted to Republicans. And for Hillary to run on the idea that she’s gonna fix things because she understands and claims to be anti-wall street, is BS
To all conservatives out there reading this. I would rather have men developed a full range of emotions instead of being one dimension people with emotions that are wrapped up in their bodies that are tearing them apart both mentally and physically because society doesn’t tolerate such displays of various feelings. In addition, the top political, social and economic elite of society have disinvested themselves from helping boys and the women liberation movement has not done a thing to help boys since the female radicals have taken control of the movement and use it to express their misandry of men.
G, I take it you didn’t read what I wrote? “I will agree with this “Let them be boys, but ADD to that the ability to express themselves. Encourage them to talk about what is bothering them,” Believe me when I tell you that this is what I want as do ALL the conservatives I know. I’ve worked with adolescent teen boys in a residential setting for the past 15+ years and I have worked on these issues with these kids.
Where people came up with the idea that conservatives are against such things is beyond me.
Mr. Brechlin, it seems to me that you have something against progressives when it comes to looking at their points of view or that you look at their points of views as being weak, and not being real men. Where you come up with progressives as being spineless and weak people is beyond me.
“…economic elite of society …” You mean like the ones that Hillary was paid in excess of $600K to speak to?
“…economic elite of society …” Interesting …..Forbes Top 20 Richest 1% Americans: 16 Of The Top 20 Are Democrats!. Call me confused
Tom Brechlin. I rather have men and boys have a full range of emotions like crying, laughing, etc., instead of being having one dimension emotions where men are only allowed to have anger while the rest of their emotions are stuck inside their bodies tearing at them both mentally and physically. It is bad enough that many marriages and families break up because of the lack of being able to communicate your feelings. That is what is so wrong with this John Wayne stoic attitude in this society. I also think that boys need to worried about how society has… Read more »
I have never seen my Dad cry and never will. But it’s OK, he was the one my sister and I called for in the night if we were sick or scared. And, frankly, I don’t think it’s sexist to think some things are more for girls. My rule that I will be the man I want my boys be and I try to be strong, smart, tough, protective, productive, and fair. They will see right through me where I am faking. The world needs traditional and that isn’t synonymous with bad traits make sure SMM knows Dad has own… Read more »
Thanks, Tom, that is precisely my point, i.e., my sons will be the man I am as I am like my dad who was like his dad, etc.
and Jeff? OMHO, you need to stop second guessing yourself. Go with your heart. Your kids will pick up on a lot of things you enjoyed in life and want to pass down to them. . It doesn’t matter what sports he gets into so don’t let ANYONE tell you that you’re depriving him of anything much less forcing him into a gender role. It’s horse poop. And to all the progressives out there reading this? This man is an example of what’s happening to many men. They don’t know if they should blow their ass or wipe their nose.… Read more »
“And if anybody says they didn’t cry then they are either a**holes or worthless or both.” You really need to justify this statement. However, the way people express emotions is incredibly personal and I don’t see a defensible reason to judge people in this regard. I could easily assert that anyone that judges the way people express their emotions (on the condition that no one was hurt by said expression) is an asshole or worthless (inclusively). But what would this really accomplish? Aside from making myself feel superior. If that really wasn’t your intent, then I’m sure there is a… Read more »
Thanks for the feedback, Mooninte. Duly noted, point taken. My point was about the two most extreme cases I could think of where even the most traditional men would not be ashamed to cry. But, to each his (or her) own, of course. If it seemed judgmental, perhaps it was, but it was meant for those particular occasions.
DJ, I will agree with this “Let them be boys, but ADD to that the ability to express themselves. Encourage them to talk about what is bothering them, what they dream of, how they feel by being that open with them.” but what you’re not getting is that we, as a society, is moving toward removing what you may consider “boys” behaviors and encouraging them to bring out what people may call their feminine side. Let them wear makeup, let them wear dresses is they so choose. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/my-son-wants-to-wear-a-dress/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-pink-switch-dnpa/ https://goodmenproject.com/everyday-life-2/another-little-boy-told-dresses-ok-jvinc/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/my-son-in-a-dress-is-not-a-political-statement-kerj/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/letting-my-boys-be-boys-in-their-own-way-dg/ https://goodmenproject.com/families/watch-this-dad-take-on-a-closed-minded-radio-host-who-is-mad-about-boys-wearing-dresses-hesaid/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hesaid-misogyny-against-men/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/mom-encourages-her-sons-creative-interests-in-makeup/ Dad’s are second guessing themselves… Read more »
Thanks, Tom. I think ‘s confusing, hence the article. I agree about letting them show emotions, maybe it’s a matter of degree, i.e., how much to show. And, ultimately, it will be their decision as it everyone’s. But, I believe it is better to express than not.
…and Jeff? Don’t worry about making mistakes. We are not perfect. Lord knows I’ve made my share, including my first marriage. Worrying can lock you up tighter then a set of shackles.
I have this theory that at 12 their brains turn to mush. Everything you teach them goes in, but it is not until around 20 that the brain reforms and it all becomes accessible. Beyond that, it is boggling to the point that you don’t know what to do. I just reverted back to my father. My Dad was a war vet and cop. The man was incapable of crying. He’d seen too much (two purple hearts and countless friends killed) He was able to express himself with me though, especially when I was young. Even after they divorced he… Read more »
Good advice. Thanks so much, DJ.