One night Todd answered the phone and heard sobbing. He knew his parenting days were not over. Here are his insights.
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I answered the phone to sobbing. My blood instantly ran cold. In this era of cell phones and caller ID, I knew who the call was from before I picked it up – my youngest daughter, recently turned twenty-one.
“What’s wrong?”
Another sob.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m okay, but I was in a car accident.”
“Was anyone hurt?”
“No, but both of our cars are messed up.”
“That doesn’t matter. All that matters is you are okay and no one was hurt.”
It turned out to be nothing more than a minor fender-bender. She had backed out into another car while pulling out from her parking spot at work. I’m sure her mind was on everything from nursing school to her evening plans – everything but backing out of that parking spot. Was she on her cell phone? I didn’t ask. I’d long since learned that when it comes to parenting, the questions I don’t want answered – I don’t ask.
She was frightened though, and more than a little shook up. Over five years of driving, and this was her first accident.
“Do I call the police?” “Do I have the right insurance?” “I’m so dumb!”
“Yes. Yes. And no, you are not dumb. We all have accidents; it’s why we have insurance.”
She lives and works nearby, so I went to the scene immediately. The police were already there, filling out the necessary paperwork. The car she had backed into was owned by a nice elderly couple who were very kind to her. She didn’t need me to fix it. She just needed me for moral support. She needed a hug from her dad. She got that, but she also got a ticket. The insurance rate took a ding, but in the end, she learned a valuable lesson about always being alert while driving, and everything was okay.
Such is the life of the parent with grown children. The day they packed their bags and moved out, there was no retirement party – no gold watch. We never get to stop being a parent. We still rush to fix every boo-boo and try to take the pain away from every heartache. In the realm of adult parenting, my daughter’s car accident was minor, but it is an accurate representation of what we face every day as our children make decisions to shape their own lives.
Elizabeth Stone probably put it best. “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
It starts when they are infants and crying, and you don’t know how to fix it. All you can do is hold them and let them cry it out. It lasts through their toddlers and teens, and it does not end when they are grown. Your heart is still walking around outside your body; it just travels even farther away. My heart currently resides a few blocks away, several miles away in other towns, and across the country in another state. My heart has seen more of this great land than I have.
The wrecked bicycle becomes a wrecked car. Passing notes in class becomes dramas playing out on social media. The puppy love that feels so real becomes real heartbreak with marital problems and their own ailing children. Sometimes, the classroom bully even becomes an abusive husband.
Then there are the problems we can’t solve. Sometimes your child may be a prodigal son, who runs from you and your ideals. Refusing your hopes and dreams for him, he struggles and suffers. Denying your open arms that could lift him from his bad choices if only he would take your hand, your heart breaks over and over again as you wait for him to come home.
As adult parents, we try to meet each new problem just as we met every problem that came before – with an open heart to empathize and open ears to listen. Instead of rushing in to “fix everything” though, we must be content to just sit back and listen.
I learned one important lesson from my mom as an adult parent that I have always tried to incorporate into my parenting. More often than not, when your adult child comes to you for advice, they already know what they need to do. In simply listening to them and being a sounding board, they often find the answer they were seeking and the courage to follow their convictions without us ever saying a word.
I have said it many times to friends and total strangers over the years. As I watch them struggle with their infants and the lack of sleep that comes with being a new parent, I let them know to enjoy this time. It is the easiest parenting with ever be. Your heart may be taking it’s first bold steps outside your body, but you can still clutch it tightly to your chest and remind it that you are home.
No matter how far they roam or where they may wander, you are always their parent, and they will always need you. To quote the great philosopher, Jon Bon Jovi, “The more things change; the more they stay the same.”*
*Yes, I know that this quote should properly be attributed to French journalist and novelist Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr, but Bon Jovi set it to a better beat. (88)
Originally published on Iowa Dad.
Photo: Flickr/Arnab Ghosal