This past summer I had a breakdown. The facade I’d carefully built for 38 years came crashing down. Through tears and exhaustion I collapsed in my wife’s arms, scared to death. Here is what happened next.
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For years I’d programmed myself, through negative self-talk and self-doubt. The worst parts of me were built on fears of lack of money. As an example, if one of my friends was making money doing something interesting on the internet then I felt compelled to try it. I’d chase other people’s successes and it did it for all the wrong reasons. There was never any true passion behind it.
I felt like a child in front of my wife and children when this all came crumbling down. I was like a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I was ashamed at the man I’d allowed myself to become. The life I’d been leading for 38 years was unraveling before my eyes. I was scared I would lose everything.
“Honey,” she said. “I’ve counted 9 different projects you started this summer.” Sadly I didn’t even remember most of them and I certainly didn’t finish any of them.
“What are you chasing?” She asked. “Look around you; you have everything you need right in front of you.” The lightning bolt struck. Even if I did lose my job, my car, my house, or whatever possessions I have, I’d be fine. I’d still have it all – my amazing wife and beautiful children. The problem was I wasn’t able to see it until I started loving myself first. The self-loathing and the negative self-talk was keeping me from seeing it.
It was clear my wife knew me, better than I knew myself. She knew that I was only chasing projects out of fear – both fear of success and fear of failure. It was scary for her too because she feared this could ruin our marriage,
Ancient cultures used to send their teenaged boys alone into the wilderness for days at a time to discover themselves. That allowed them to shed their childhood facade and the return home more self-assured and more mature. I decided this is this is what I needed to do too. While not sleeping in a tent in the forest, I did build space in my life to sit still. For six weeks I wouldn’t allow myself to start new projects. I spent time sitting quietly doing absolutely nothing at all. I found myself sitting in my office just staring out the window. If a new project came my way, I forced myself to ask why I shouldn’t do it. At first this stillness was hard, as if I was missing out on something. But soon I felt peaceful and alive, able to take deep breaths for the first time in years.
I started to see myself. The manic feelings began dissolving and what was left felt amazing. I could finally sit quietly and focus on one thing at a time.
I’m nearing the end of these six weeks and what I’ve learned is something I hope to take with me for the rest of my life. I know I’m a person who needs to create but what I’ve learned is to create with meaning and mindfulness. And sometimes doing nothing is the most productive thing I can do.
In trying to do everything, I discovered that I would end up with nothing. By taking time to do nothing, I ended up discovering that I would accomplish something. That something would be then be worth — everything. Therein lies the paradox of success.
Photo: Flickr/Pilottage
Too bad, not everyone can take time off to meditate, reflect and re-energized themselves for six weeks or more.
Nice, but try going through it without a significant other, or months or years after your long term spouse cheated and left, and you are responsible for holding it together for sons and self. And then after a couple more longish term relations that you are cheated out of.. and now do it Without one close adult confidant or spouse (outside of family, but that isn’t the same as having someone in it with you). Of course, if you didn’t have your significant other, you would not have had her arms to be in for support, or those great thoughts… Read more »