“My future son-in-law may be considered ‘old-fashioned,’ but to me, he is my Hero. And I will never forget that sweet summer day when he honored his future bride by honoring the ones who raised her.”
Last month in the wedding month of June, I received the Email in the middle of an ordinary morning, a work day filled with clients, finishing up an article and tending to the more mundane tasks of life like doing laundry, running errands and paying bills.
The Email stood out from the usual junk mail and spam that normally filled my Inbox. It caught my attention and I immediately clicked to open it with curiosity.
The Email was from a young man, a man I had grown to know and love in the past year and a half. He was my oldest daughter’s boyfriend, and the Email was an invitation to join him for lunch in Denver at a time that would work best for me. He told me not to worry; he just had some things he wanted to talk to me about.
Well count me in! Anyone who knows me well knows that there’s nothing I delight in more than in being in relationships, in connection, in knowing and understanding another human being.
♦◊♦
Jeremy had come into Kellie’s life at a time when she was a deliberately free and unattached woman. She had had a long-term relationship in college, and when that ended she made a declaration that the only person she wanted to spend time with was herself. She wanted no restraints, no ropes to tie her down.
When she graduated from college, she and a girlfriend traveled to parts of the world exotic and strange. She loved her independence and decided going “solo” was going to become a long time commitment.
She moved to San Diego to work for a sports team as a Guest Representative. The pay was paltry, and to make ends meet, she took a waitressing job at a Mexican restaurant that was situated in a touristy part of town, and she was miffed at the costume she had to wear and the lousy tips of loud and demanding customers.
Shortly after she began working there, she began to speak of a young man who had caught her attention and the way she described him made my ears stand up in attention like a paramedic on alert.
He was a couple of years older and like so many other others, he had been laid off from his job as a civil engineer and was doing whatever it took to make ends meet, including working at the cheesy tourist restaurant. They became friends, and he told her of his plans to move to Denver where work might be more available and the call of the mountains was stronger than he cared to ignore.
When her stint with the Chargers ended, she returned to the state she was born and to the family who had missed her and to the young man who had moved there several months before her, pounding the doors until his persistence paid off and he landed a job in his profession.
I had always wondered if there was a man out there who would be strong enough for my daughter, a fiery passionate determined young woman who eschewed the attachments and commitments of coupledom and the ties that might bind.
♦◊♦
Fast forward to this recent June morning when the Email came. Could I meet him for lunch? Hell yes I could meet him for lunch.
I was curious about his intentions for our meeting but no matter. When I arrived at the restaurant, I could see him sitting outside having procured a table on the patio. He’s a gorgeous young man with a head of hair so full of dark curls you have to stop yourself from reaching out and touching them.
Lunch was ordered and I sat back in my chair waiting. He looked me right in the eyes and began to speak words of love about my daughter. He told me of her qualities, her attributes, and her beauty. He told me she made him a better man, and he told me he couldn’t imagine a day in his life without her.
He leaned forward meeting my gaze with intention and purpose. He confessed that he knew it might be considered old-fashioned, but he wanted to ask for my blessings to ask for her hand in marriage.
And the warmth in that summer air, intensified by the look in his eyes, enveloped me and my heart was in danger of bursting right there, right there on the spot.
I reached out and hugged him tight and spoke words of love and enthusiastic approval and told him I couldn’t think of anyone better to be with my daughter. Since he had come into her life, his calm quiet presence and way of speaking words clearly yet gently had melted the rough edges around my girl, and I couldn’t have been happier.
As I drove home with goose bumps making permanent residence on my arms, I tried not to pinch myself. I’ve watched the world become a ruder place, where manners and decorum are seen like artifacts from days gone by. Where marriage is drifting to the back burners of a culture who finds, for a variety of reasons, it may be better off to do anything other than to utter the words, “Till death do us part.”
My future son-in-law may be considered “old-fashioned,” but to me, he is my Hero. And I will never forget that sweet summer day when he honored his future bride by honoring the ones who raised her.
It will always stand out as one of the most precious days of my life.
And yes, she said a resounding “YES!”
♦◊♦
Reposted from OpenSalon.
—Photo Seattle Municipal Archives/Flickr
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Nice piece. Before I proposed to my wife I did the same thing, except I asked her dad and her mom. But I admit, I didn’t do it because I wanted to. I did it because I knew it was important to my wife. Frankly I disagree with it completely. What if either of them (or you for that matter) had said no? I can’t speak for your son-in-law but I still would’ve asked my wife to marry me even without her parents’ permission. Which I’m sure would’ve created quite the awkward situation and would’ve been a sore spot moving… Read more »
Mary Kay and Kristen, I enjoyed reading the column and the conversation. I find the whole thing wonderful, and I would have even if you, Mary Kay, were Kellie’s dad (as it sounds like also happened), and as Kristen understandably assumed. I would offer one more point on the meeting of old-fashioned tradition with a feminist-influenced world: I hope my daughters would consider engaging in the same ritual with their future father/mothers-in-law. My parents would have been honored if my wife had asked for time with them, and I would be honored if my future children-in-law sought me out. Dan… Read more »
Dan, thank you for reading and commenting. After I read Kristin and Emily’s responses, I thought they had a great point and now so do you. I love the daughters engaging in the same kind of ritual. Why not? If the intention comes from a place of love and respect, this is a beautiful and wonderful thing.
Kristen, from one fellow “feminist” to another, I hear you. However, I’m also a “masculinist” and I have a different take on how you interpreted my story. I think you may have missed something from the get go. Did you notice that my daughter’s future husband asked to meet with me, besides my daughter’s father? I am divorced and from a “traditional” point of view, Jeremy didn’t need to ask me anything. But he had respect for me as her Mother and frankly, he asked me first before he met with my daughter’s father. What women feel pressure to change… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughtful response. You are absolutely right that I read your story through the lens of my own karma, and I almost didn’t post my response because I was hesitant to sound like the jerk raining on your very lovely picnic! My personal reaction is just that my own marriage would never have happened if it had begun with my husband seeking approval from my parents before “proposing” to me. I just can’t wrap my (admittedly limited) brain around how that scenario could possibly be equitable. Yes, for me. As traditionally unromantic as it may sound, our… Read more »
Totally agree with you, Kristen, about both the (a) talking to the parents before talking to me seeming creepy, insecure and/or controlling and (b) there being a lot of men who will still not do the hyphenated name (and I live in Denver, just down the road from the author of this article) and who get very hung up about children having only his last name. That being said, I agree with the author that we need to stand up for ourselves and our children. It actually becomes “normal” pretty quickly to do the hyphenated name; it’s more difficult and… Read more »
Emily, I can only speak for myself, but I agree with you. It would more than creep me out if my former husband had talked to my father before me “back in the day”. It would not have gone over well at all, but that didn’t happen. Once we decided, he did go ahead and talk to my father and while none of this was a surprise to anyone, my father’s joy in having my boyfriend officially becoming a part of our family, and the broad beam of a smile on his face as he opened the champagne was wonderful.… Read more »
Ms. Kelly-Williams: I am curious. What is your interpretation of “masculinist” and what does that have to do with Kristen’s (and my) objection to the practice of talking to the parents before talking to the person you plan to marry? I think one of the things that troubles me here is that your daughter seems like she is trying to get out of gendering, as many young people are. They don’t want a “women are preoccupied with relationships, men are preoccupied with status and power world.” Many young people, especially young women, have very good concepts of self-in-relation (rather than… Read more »
Emily, I don’t have the time or inclination to go into a dissertation of what I mean by “masculinist” so I’ll say it briefly by saying that I feel men are objectified as much as women are, just in different ways. This is not based on research (although I’m not saying that there isn’t any to support what I’m saying), but more my clinical experience of working with couples over the years. I’ve been witness to many capable competent professional women who still expect their husbands to make more money than they, work longer and “take care” of the finances.… Read more »
Beautiful story. I hope my daughter settles down one day with a guy like your son-in-law.
I’d have to be a real hard-hearted jerk not to find this story sentimental and sweet, but as a feminist, it makes me uncomfortable to hear about men “asking for a woman’s hand.” The historical complications of this are problematic to me, and along with women feeling societal pressure to change their surnames after marriage, is a discussion that often gets marginilized in favor of “tradition.” The whole thing is so heteronormative: imagine this scenario written as a man asking permission to propose to another man, and the sexist implications become readily apparent.
Go with the hyphenated name. If one or both people have a long name, abbreviate it. Don’t worry about quadruple hyphenation if children marry; they can make their own decision at the time they marry about which portion(s) they want to carry into a new marriage.
Emily and Kristen, you may (or may not) be interested to know about the origins of my last name, Kelly-Williams. When I divorced, it was a no-brainer to me that I would not keep the last name of my ex-husband. I couldn’t stand the thought of having the last name of a man I was no longer married to. But I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name either. That last name came from my father’s side. Despite my love for my father, I didn’t have a close relationship with him or his family so that was out.… Read more »