Kids will learn some things all on their own. Spencer Dryden is thankful for this one.
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One of the great traps of parenting is looking for validation in your children’s behavior. It’s always been my fantasy to over hear two mothers talking about one of my sons. “Well of course he’s good at (fill in the blank), his dad stays at home.” Nope. Never heard it. But I’ve learned it can be a long time coming and sometimes not even on this side of the grave. But you gotta keep sending the message.
I have done everything they taught us in parenting class to get my boys to be better housekeepers. It’s been a hopeless cause. Their bedrooms look like the houses you see on the hoarding shows. The basement where they dwell for entertainment is littered with bottles, cans trash and dirty dishes. I have shown by example, by reminders, by removing privileges, I’ve even resorted to guilt tripping and nagging. The only thing that works is bellowing beet red in the face anger. And you know what, I don’t want to be that kind of dad. I managed to get them potty trained, so I know they are capable of learning.
Another message they have heard over and over from me, at school and church is about violence. I had no way of knowing if that message was being absorbed any better than cleaning their rooms. I got a delightful surprise a few weeks ago that nearly brought me to tears of joy. It all happened completely out of my sight. My older son, 23, got a new car and a new girl friend about the same time (I say he’s very good looking, he’s got a nice car and a good job).
Apparently her ex-boyfriend wasn’t taking this too well. Late one night, a few weeks ago, my son and his girl friend were over at her house and this guy came by and poured motor oil all over my son’s new car. Talk about major violation of guy code. Don’t mess with a dude’s car.
Here’s a story you see in the paper every day, in the police reports. One guy pisses off another guy (often over a girl or money) and the violence escalates to lethal levels. Someone goes home and gets a gun or a bunch of his homies or both, the next thing you know someone is dead.
As a parent you’re never more than a phone call away from crushing heartbreak. I didn’t get that call. My son cleaned off his car, came home, went to bed and called the police in the morning. I was blown away with pride when he told me the story. It was proof that young men can choose a different path, at least he did, this one time, but it filled me with hope.
After praising his choice, I asked him about his decision not to take matters into his own hands. He said, “Dad, it’s just like hockey. It’s always the second guy who goes to the penalty box.”
Message received and processed. Now, if we could just work on that bedroom.
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Photo: Flickr/Christopher Gollmar
What is the predilection with clean rooms? So long as it isn’t unhygienic, then it is simply how someone chooses to live. Its like making beds. Irrelevant exercise in keeping up appearances for someone else’s benefit (Who probably doesn’t exist). There is no inherrent goodness in a made bed. It doesn’t make it more hygienic. It just makes things “Pretty”. Stepford wife complex maybe? My wife and I are perfect matches for one another in our complete disregard for an ordered household (No children). The only thing I get annoyed with is wet towels, which I always have to chase… Read more »
Will:
Nice that you found some harmony. I’ll be the first to admit I have “issues” and OCD tendencies. When my mind is a mess, being in an orderly environment has a calming effect. But the reason I stopped pushing on the issue is that it is my problem and not worth driving a wedge between me and my children.
Ryan:
I’m counting on that development in the frontal lobes.
Years ago I head a speech by a behavioral psychologist who said that the parietal lobes (in the front of the head) are the seat of judgment/consequences and in males that does fully develop until the late 20’s. Every guy in the room smacked his read realizing why they had done such stupid stuff in their 20’s.
Good luck with your boys. Try Tom’s advice above.
Good stuff. I think stuff starts to click in the late teens and early twenties. It takes a while but all that stuff your parent say starts to make sense! In college I had many opportunities to fight but I walked away. One time a dude had his hand on my neck in the dorm study and all I did was hold his forearm even though I had the opportunity to clock his face. After a few fights in Junior High my dad told me that I was getting stronger and becoming a man and that one punch or one… Read more »
Years ago when my kids were in HS, we put together a contract. Long story short, we agreed (they signed off on) expectations, privileges and consequences. One of the expectations was a clean room by 5Pm Saturday. Consequence was no going out Saturday evening. The first time I really saw it work was when my daughter fell short with the agreed expectation. She didn’t go out. I wasn’t the heavy in that it was all on her, what she agreed to. It takes the responsibility off mom/dad and places it on the son/daughter.
I quit doing it. Like I said I didn’t want to be that kind of dad
Uh-oh!
I was brought up on a stready diet of this, and let me tell you, there were times where I wished (and still do) I had been instead screamed at or even hit with a stick. Guilt tripping makes you eventually develop a habit of screaming at yourself in your own head, even when you are doing nothing wrong.
My son’s rooms are much messier than pictured here. I didn’t want to provide a photo for fear of a visit from the Department of Health.