Aaron Everingham is about to become a dad — to someone else’s child. It is a role that is much maligned and difficult to navigate successfully. Here is his heart, and why he is the right man for the job.
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We met around 21 years ago in high school, and we remember the connection. We parted ways, and never forgot each other. We sense the attraction that has always managed to breach our separate realities as we drifted through our lives. We had years of experiences; some were really good, and some were really bad. You had a child, a boy, and you and your ex-husband named him Aidan. A beautiful name for a beautiful boy. You two did a wonderful job in creating this boy, and you have done very well raising him all those years following your separation. Beyond meeting him once, I don’t really know his dad, and I only hear about him through you and Aidan. I will never speak poorly of him, because I know how that can affect a young boy. I will always consider him with respect and with neutrality, and put aside any residual discomfort with the facts. Those discomforts are really just symptoms of my male ego, anyway.
I’m about to be entrusted to Aidan’s care in the role of a father, and I imagine that in one way or another, this could be difficult for his dad. It isn’t that he wasn’t expecting it, but that once the reality sinks, in he is going to have some processing to do. Time, I’m sure, will make him comfortable with my place in Aidan’s life. I think that goes for Aidan too. Time will make him more comfortable with me has a stepfather. I know he accepts me now, but there will be some fine tuning that takes place once I move down there to join you two. I’m sure it will have its difficulties, but we’re laying such a great foundation that I’m entirely confident it will work well. We love each other deeply, and that will only be good for him. My hope for our life-to-come is he sees two people who love, forgive, serve, respect and enjoy each other. And then he will have two people who work together for his good.
I’m looking forward to watching him become a man, and knowing that I will have a direct influence on that. It really changes everything for me. It frightens me, but I’m excited. My heart is in it. My mind just has to catch up. It is the penultimate responsibility to me in our marriage; the ultimate of course being loving his mom, and taking care of her. That ‘taking care’ affects Aidan directly, because it involves the emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual dimensions of what will soon be our life. I don’t mean that he’s a bystander to it, but that if I don’t put you first in all those ways, he will not have the kind of home he needs nor will he receive the love he needs from his mom’s husband. Loving Aidan begins with loving you, and ends with loving him. I certainly don’t pretend to believe that this will be perfect or flawless. I know my weaknesses, and I know my failings. I will need to work at it every day. But looking towards this, I see it as a work I am exceptionally passionate about.
We both know I write you a lot of things, and I’m guilty of being excessive at times. Therefore, I want to keep this somewhat brief. I’m afraid that one day all my words will just blend together in a brown haze and you might be immune to my charm. That being said, I will take this time to tell you a few words on what I want to do for us.
First, I want to help you continue to build your home. My arrival will demand some time for everyone to reach some kind of equilibrium. Eventually we will buy a new one, growing it into what is more fully a ‘home’. It will be ours: the product of our imaginations and resources.
I want to make it a safe place for anyone: for you, for Aidan’s friends, and for our extended family. Together I want to build traditions into our lives. I want a kitchen from which pours warmth, generosity, invitation; and also privacy, family talks, tears, and laughter. I want a basement where the boys can get crazy. I want a bedroom where we are free from the distractions of the media and the outside world, where our intimacy is invigorated, and where we can awake refreshed. It is the inner circle of the larger sanctuary. I want enough land to build something for our parents when they’re old, and to take care of them. We’ll have room for the occasional party, firewood, space to run, dogs, and a place for either of us to escape. I want water, fire, wind, and earth.
Second, I want to teach our son about the world, about the arts, about spirituality, about becoming a man, about history, and philanthropy. I want to be patient with him. I want to be gentle, kind, and firm when needed. I want to hug him every night, and tell him I love him and am proud of him. I want to help him with his homework, take him camping, and do man-stuff. I want to encourage his gifts, whatever they are and whether or not they make sense to me. Be it football (I’ll need to get educated there), photography, or wherever his little growing heart decides to land.
Third, I want to experience the world together and be its students. Whether as a family, or just you and I, I want to go places. They don’t have to be further than Lake Lanier, but they could be anywhere else on earth. I want to take a few challenging adventures. To get away from our comfort zone. I also want to take a few truly lazy breaks from the business of our lives. To go somewhere that is warm, safe, comfortable, and easy. Somewhere hot where we can just sit back, drink, eat, and watch the sunset. I want to get to know Atlanta, Savannah, New Orleans, Seattle, New York, and wherever else Groupon can get us.
Lastly, and this is by no means a complete list, I want to be your man. I want you to look back on five, ten, twenty, thirty years of marriage and know deep inside that this is right. That we’re all right. That despite any of the fights, frustrations and tears, which are inevitable, you have a deep peace inside that says, “Charlotte, you married a good man and he’s done you well.” And I want to look back at those years too, and say “Aaron, you married the best woman in the universe. She’s gotten more beautiful over time in all the ways that matter most. She’s always been the center of your world, and she’s always taken care of you in a way that only she could. You’ve done your best at helping to raise her son as though he is your own.”
I believe that this is all very possible, and that what I’ve written here is self-fulfilling. Maybe we can read this together one day on a major anniversary? I have no doubt that you will have locked it away safely and forever, as you have with many of my ramblings.
With more love than these words can express, I love you always.
Your Almost Husband,
Aaron
Photo: Flickr/bostonkorkulugu