All Day Foreplay: A Family Guy’s Guide to Making Love All Day Long

 

Slow and steady, all day long

Slow and steady, all day long

Building the foundation for a long, happy, sex-filled marriage, despite kids, requires a new mindset, according to Reservoir Dad

There was a time, men, when foreplay happened from dawn till dusk and involved killing game for food, making up cool animal dances around the fire, cave painting and fashioning pieces of wood into spears.

The women of the time loved it but, unfortunately, times have changed and we can no longer rely on our whittling skills to drive them into a lusty frenzy. We can’t even rely on ‘bringing home the bacon’ to titillate the love of our life because they are able and willing to source their own bacon. And even when you are the main breadwinner they’re often distracted by the things we don’t do; the number one complaint amongst wives these days is that husbands don’t do enough housework or participate in child-rearing.

If you’re feeling a tad disheartened I’d urge you to keep your chin up because this is an article about sex and I have stumbled upon a way to get more of it.

Our environment has changed but it’s nothing to get freaked out about. We just have to open our minds, dig deep, and adapt if we are going to continue to present an irresistible package to our spouses and provide the foundation for a long, happy, sex-filled marriage.

No surprise that several studies have found that the couples who report being the happiest are those that have sex more often. No surprise again that those couples who have sex most often are those that report being the happiest. This is a vicious and joyous cycle and we can get caught up in it, men, if we become aware of and accept a very simple rule—where sex is concerned women are the ones, in the majority of cases, who give the final nod of approval.

This can be viewed as unfortunate because many women have (what many men would call) the frustrating characteristic of allowing daily issues to overwhelm and dampen the sexual drive. Men, on the other hand, honour the sexual drive by keeping it entirely separate from such dampening issues as body image, housework, stress, illness, finances etc.

Yes, most men enjoy a good talk and some emotional bonding and a clean house and a semi-organized life and happy children and financial security but we do not allow the absence of those things to cross boundaries – to any large degree – with our desire for and love of sex.

At the end of the day we can be lying next to our partner without having really had time to talk or emotionally bond, aware of the fact that the house is a mess, that the children have spent more minutes in time-out than time-in while also battling a severe head cold and storing our very last dollar under our pillow and still engage – joyously, enthusiastically, passionately – in marital relations with our wife if the offer is on the table.

Our focus on sex stands like a lighthouse in the centre of our minds and reaches all corners of our outside world, allowing nothing around it to even cast a shadow.

That same illuminating potential does exist within the woman but daily occurrences and worries and concerns can stick to their lighthouse windows like flies to fly-paper and the end result can be a much weaker beam of light; and if left unattended for too long; a light that has no ability to shine into their life at all.

This is where we come in, men, and this is what all day foreplay is about. We must strive to remove as many obstacles as possible from the lives of our wives so that their lighthouse can illuminate their world and reveal us, again, in all our natural sexiness.

The days of killing a beast and lolling around the campfire are over and going to the butcher to buy some chops and sitting in front of the plasma just isn’t sexy, unfortunately. Life is also more complicated, busier and cluttered.

We need to embrace a new kind of sexy at the same time that we un-clutter our wives’ minds by adapting to our environment and doing manly things like dishes, changing nappies, listening (really, really listening) to the things they have to say, anticipating their needs… the list can go on indefinitely and is different for every couple but one thing is true for all husbands: we must remain forever vigilant.

We must treat our wives like a Knight treats a Queen. It’s cool to be a Knight. They are honourable and chivalrous and carry very big swords.

If you feel the urge to whisper Pussy-Whipped while contemplating these ideas I urge you to stop pretending that it’s a bad thing and turn that whisper into a prideful scream. Punch your fist in the air and scream PUSSY-WHIPPED with as much conviction as Mel Gibson yelled FREEDOOOOM while he was having his intestines torn out in the classic movie, “Braveheart.”

Follow this path, men, and the rewards will follow. The uncluttered mind of your wife will shine its light on you more often and bring many sexual rewards and the more sex you have the happier you will both become and the happier you both become the more sex you will have.

It really is quite lovely.

For more on more sex and avoiding vagina dentata, check out the video.

—photo by danbri/Flickr

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About Reservoir Dad

I’m an almost forty, stay at home Dad, married to Reservoir Mum. Four boys under seven, a dog named Ekko, a guinea pig and rabbit named Nugget and Chips, a Tarago called Mighty, and a robotic vacuum named Wilson. For several years I’ve written about the million things that live inside the above paragraph while simultaneously fantasising about myself as a pop icon from the 1980s. You can find most of it atReservoir Dad. I’ve also written for many mags. Finished several unpublished novels. Some published short stories. Some poems about ducks. Join the Reservoir Dad Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/ReservoirDad) and follow me on Twitter (www.twitter.com/ReservoirDad).

Comments

  1. I completely disagree with this article. I’ve tried this, it does not work. I was doing this during years of less than once a month sex.

    See, this is what women tell you they want, but it doesn’t work, because its not what they really want. They don’t want to sleep with their girlfriend, they want a man. All the oxytocin from helping out and providing is good, but we need to balance it with some dopamine, some excitement.

    The hero in romance novels is never doing dishes and washing the laundry, he out fighting crime, or killing pirates, or he IS a pirate, then he comes home and rips the heroines clothes off. That’s what women are reading, that’s what gets them excited. Same with movies, did you ever see James Bond changing a diaper? No way, he’s too busy being awesome, and women (real women, not just the actress opposite him) are falling all over him, wives at home are saying “yeah, I’ll watch the new 007 movie with you”. Why was 50 shade of grey such a hit? It sure wasn’t because it was well written, its because they want a man who is confident, in control, and a bit dangerous (in a good way). I read my wife part of this post, her response was “Why, so you can be my girlfriend?”. Don’t get me wrong, being a good provider and helping is necessary, but most wives are getting enough of that.

    We need to learn to be more like men, the way men were, get back some of those caveman skills you were talking about, because what wife doesn’t want some caveman action? We need to push things like integrity, honour, confidence, and a ‘take no prisoners’ attitude to life. That’s what gets her motor going, and that’s what keeps things interesting in a marriage. No woman ever said “the way he washes dishes gets me so hot!”. They like confidence, almost borderline arrogance.

    And what is that line about being like a Knight to a Queen? No wife I know wants a subservient husband, they might say they do for a short time, but it gets pathetic, fast.

    So, I say, men, go find your battles, your wars, there are plenty to choose from, it may not be blood and guts anymore, but it doesn’t need to be, you just need to be passionate, try too change the world, be strong, confident and more aggressive. Women’s sex drives are generally responsive, not proactive, but you have to give them something to respond to, and they are not going to respond to a man who has no drive, no ambition and no confidence, no matter how many diapers he changed today, or how many loads of laundry he hung yesterday.

    P.S. I’m all for helping around the house, I’m just saying, its not going to improve your sex life for long. If women wanted to sleep with women, they wouldn’t have married men.

  2. G’day Jay Dee.

    Have some fun mate. Some truths with a bit of a laugh. But to some of your points –

    When you say ‘we need to learn to be more like men’ I just don’t get it. I looked inside my pants and can’t see how I can get any more man than having the male genitals. Doing dishes doesn’t suck your cock and balls inward. Imagine the money people could save on gender reassignment surgery if that was true!! I hate limitations. Especially ones attributed to gender. There are an unlimited number of ways to be a man. I have four boys and I’ll be fighting against gender role stereotypes and the limitations they place on lives forever (maybe that’s my war… should I go press the big red button?).

    I hate James Bond movies. So does my wife. If he could fight and shoot and kill AND change nappies AND actually care for a woman (instead of just have sex with her) we would watch every one of the movies right now. At the moment he’s just a cardboard cut-out used for escapism – a semi-human. Fifty Shades Of Gray? It’s fun to role-play. It can be really exciting! I wouldn’t read much more into its popularity than that. Many women also love playing dominant in the bedroom. It’s really cool when we’re allowed a flexible approach to sexuality.

    Being a caveman today just won’t cut it. Sorry. Caveman skills have become a bit redundant. You can grunt and whittle and do hand-paintings on your walls all you want. I’m just not sure it’s going to get you the attention you think it will.

    I actually have heard women (online, in person) say similar things to “the way he washes dishes gets me so hot”. But we all know it’s not so much about the chore. It’s about feeling understood and appreciated, sharing experience and freeing up time for more physical intimacy.

    All those virtues you listed throughout your comment (the ones that you say women love) – integrity, honor, confidence, a ‘take no prisoners attitude’, confidence, passion – remain in a man who does housework (if they were there to begin with). Why would a man lose passion for life just because he takes responsibility on the domestic front, and takes a hands-on approach to child-rearing? A passionate man is more likely to do those things and to charge through life with a positive frame of mind.

    And all those virtues listed above can also be found in women. But that doesn’t make them men!

    • I wasn’t to apologize, I saw an article, which I interpreted as holding up the holy grail of getting your wife interested in sex as doing more housework, and I set me off due to my past experience of this not working for me. Not very adult behavior on my part. So, I humbly apologize, and I ask your forgiveness.

      If I can start over:

      I humbly submit that more housework is not the ultimate answer. I think (most) women do want to feel supported, want a partner, and to be helped. Yes, a cluttered house does interfere with switching gears when bedtime comes around, but they (most women) also need some excitement in their life. Most of the couples I have had the privilege of discussing this with are missing out on that excitement, which is causing their sex-life to suffer. In their cases, it is not the husband failing to help out, most of them already are, and they keep taking on more and more until, in the extreme cases. the SAHM is doing no housework, and there still is no sex. Its tragic, because the thing they are doing (housework) in order to salvage their marriage is ultimately dooming them. The wife ends up not respecting her husband, because he rolls over and does whatever she asks. And I’m hearing this from the wives as well as the husbands. The wives I talk to don’t want a servant, they want a leader.

      Of course, the opposite is true, excitement without support is fun for a short while (we see this in vacation and in affairs), but it is unsustainable.

      I hope that is clearer than my childish outburst. Again, my apologies.

  3. Hi RD, great article as always.
    From a women’s perspective I think you are spot on, but I’d like to add something to what you have written.

    See, it’s not actually the dishes and the nappy changing that gets us excited, it’s feeling appreciated and valued and loved. If you want to improve your relationship (including sex) you need to identify your wife’s love language and speak it constantly. For some it is acts of service like helping out around the house, others it is verbal (being told they are loved), and others it is physical (back rub, holding hands, being near) – or it could be different again.

    I think the most important thing we can do for our spouse and for our marriage is not to ask ‘what do I want and need?’, but ‘how can I be a better spouse?’ – all the rest will follow

  4. My father has always done his share of cooking and housework and is still a man after all these years, my husband does, and he is DEFINITELY all man, and my sons will also be taught that washing up gloves do not make your penis drop off.

    I wasn’t aware that having passion, strength and confidence, and contributing equally to your home life were mutually exclusive.

    I’m with RD all the way on this one. If my husband sat on the couch grunting like a caveman and trying to dominate me his chances of sex would be zero.

  5. Reservoir Dad has shared a video featuring the fearsome “vagina dentata”. I’ve couched the video with highlights from your comments. http://goodmenproject.com/families/video-how-to-have-more-sex-with-your-wife/

  6. My perspective- you do your share because its the right thing to do and, lets be honest, some of it is pretty damn satisfying.

    I earn all the income and also do a big chunk of the shopping, kiddo rearing, dog walking, picking up, cooking, dishwashing, yard work etc… None. of. this. gets. me. laid.

    Some of this is “must be” – i.e. if I didn’t do it she wouldn’t want me. NOT doing them results in NEGATIVE sexual desire but there is no “more is better” factor. If I doubled my housework for a week I would not receive any additional rolls in the hay. Other things I gotta do- act with integrity, be a calm advisor when she comes to me with problems, take influence when she is giving me input (and ask for that input), show interest in what’s on her mind. There are also things I CAN’T do- be too emotional or “out of control”- masculine tears and calm expression of how I feel?- a-ok. However, weeping and wailing or yelling, angry, gnashing of teeth will shut her down.

    Some things are better to a point then the utility declines (diminishing marginal returns and at times these go negative):
    1. Being affectionate
    2. Being appreciative
    3. Gifts

    What works in my house to get me laid: (these are the more is better stuff aka panty droppers)
    1. Getting fit- this has paid off BIG TIME. Weights / sports have much more impact than running.
    2. Wooing her (confident and masculine)- calling her up and saying “get a babysitter for Friday or Saturday night.” Taking the lead on what we’re going to do (ask her for some input within parameters- aka “bar hopping or dinner? I’ve got good ideas for either.”)
    3. Doing classic “manly” stuff- (taking decisive action)- things like knowing how to get someone’s car out of the mud or fix something.
    4. Showing Leadership- taking charge of an issue at work or with the kids, sticking up for someone weaker. She loves it when I exhibit classic leadership behaviors with masculine energy. She swoons when others look to me for the answers or guidance.
    4. Quality time together- having fun together. works best if I am engaging her in something new and interesting.

    Your mileage may vary… Our sex life is better now in my late 30s after 10+ years of marriage and 3 kids than it was when we were dating.

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