When Mark Vander Ley’s wife went out of town, he manned up and got help caring for his four children
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Several months ago my wife started preparing me for the inevitable. A long time friend was getting married and she floated the idea of attending the wedding. She would be a plane flight away while I stayed home to care for our four young children. My normal response in these situations is silence. I am trying to remain calm, and avoid totally betraying the feelings of anxiety and frustration that immediately crop up.
I love my kids, I am a very involved father, and I am passionate about impacting the lives of my children. When it comes to parenting alone for a weekend however, I am a mess. I really desire for my wife to have time of her own, I desire for her to connect with old friends, and I have had many chances to take such trips.
My problem is that I get overwhelmed; there is just so much to do. There are moments when things are going fine, and then there are moments when it feels seconds away from implosion. As I move through the days doing my best to stay one step ahead of the chaos the feeling becomes more powerful and out of control.
So, with this trip on the horizon I asked for help, my mom came into town and my sister and her pre-teen daughter spent time lending an extra hand.
Somewhere in the middle of the weekend I started to wonder if I was betraying my fellow man. I have read several articles lately and am aware of a pretty significant movement of dads looking to improve the image of fathers. I have felt that I am a part of this movement. I desire to demonstrate that men are capable parents. So, I wondered if asking for help made me a sell-out? Had I become a hypocrite in the world of active fathers?
After some reflection I have decided that no, I am not a sell-out or a hypocrite, I am just me. I am laid back, low energy, low structure, introverted, reflective, and male. When I enter a group of people I hang around the edges, observe for a while, and then settle into a conversation with 1 or 2 warm personalities. My wife is outgoing, high energy, high structure, extroverted, logical, and female. When she enters a group of people she jumps right into the mix, moves from group to group, and meets many new people.
I desire to demonstrate that men are capable parents. So, I wondered if asking for help made me a sell-out? Had I become a hypocrite in the world of active fathers?
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I am struck by the fact that our different personalities also reflect our different styles of parenting. She is perfectly comfortable managing and directing the crisis of taking four children to the grocery store. She responds quickly in many situations and is adept at moving from child to child, while maintaining focus on the task at hand. My reflective personality causes me to respond more slowly. I want to think things through. I wonder how my words in this moment may impact the future development of a fragile psyche. I analyze motivations, body language, and tone changes all in the hopes of responding perfectly as to avoid any further complications.
Isn’t it amazing how who we are as people, so totally impacts who we are as parents? I am very thankful that my wife is not like me. I am also thankful that I am not like my wife. Our personalities and parenting styles are complementary and we have become a really great team. She is a force of energy, passion, excitement, and structure. I am steady, thoughtful, calming, and relaxed.
I am beginning to realize that my anxiety and frustration with parenting on my own may not be the result of deficient skills. I think it is more like losing a valued teammate. I think I am a better parent in the presence of my wife. We work well together and support one another. She gives me strength and I give her stability. Asking for help is like inserting a sub, the new player can never replace the trusted veteran but neither does it reduce the value of the remaining player.
The weekend with my wife away went much better than I expected. It was a nice opportunity for my children to spend time with their grandmother and cousin. I enjoyed having new team members at my side and am thankful to have learned a lesson about accepting my weaknesses and strengths.
Oh, and my wife points out that it took three of them to replace the one of her!!
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Read more from Mark Vander Ley:
I Hope My Sons Don’t Go To High School…
The Secret of Power and Control
How to Halt the Entitled Generation: I Need Your Help
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Photo: corsinet / flickr
This is an easy answer.: No. My highly competent family doc referred me to a pulmonologist when I had a pulmonary embolism. I hired a website designer to put together my voice-over website instead of doing it myself. Although I am a good coach, I hired a tennis coach for my son when he hit 14. Asking for help is a sign that you are competent enough to realize you can’t do everything. As Dirty Harry Callahan said, “A man’s gotta know his limitations.”
David,
thanks, your right we hire specialist for all sorts of things… when in doubt bring in the expert
Having been a single parent and a parent with a partner to 3 kids (twins included) – you would be nuts if you didn’t take help. The world of difference in having a partner made me wonder how I managed not kill a kid when I was a single parent all those years – and I am not talking about out of frustration. I seriously mean by not being able to pay enough attention when 3 kids ran 3 different directions. Asking for help should be seen as a strength, not as a weakness regardless of gender. Also, be thankful… Read more »
Erblandfoss,
thanks for reading and commenting. it definitely gets overwhelming with 4 kids all doing different things. I have said to my wife many times that I do not understand how single parents do it. The stress and pressures of being a parent and the sole financial provider would be overwhelming. My hats off to you for the hard work you put in as a single parent. I also like your thoughts about viewing asking for help as a strength. I think your right, it takes strength to admit weakness.
If my huband went out of town for the weekend, I’d lose my marbles. He’s the main caregiver (sahd) and has everyone’s routine down pat. It would be overwhelming to say the least.
That many children (I have 3 one with special needs) is like trying to fight the ocean. You can’t do it, so you shouldn’t try. Once you get past that, the task is much more manageable. My wife and I have disjoint schedules and she works and I am left to care for the children on many weekends, and evenings. The result is a considerable amount of experience in handling them on my own. The realization I had early in the parenting process was, I am not particularly unique in the sense that humans have been around several thousand or… Read more »
Will,
thanks for reading and commenting. I suppose your right about not worrying about falling short, we all fall short so doing our best is the way to go. I often hear people talk about “good enough” parenting and have to remind myself that being me is what my kids need.