If Jon Methven can find a way to harness angry baby strength, he’s confident he’ll be able to solve most of the world’s energy problems.
Recently, I have been performing tests on my 17-month-old son in the hopes of harnessing an alternative fuel source that is cheaper, cleaner, and more volatile than fossil fuels: Angry Baby Strength. If I can figure out a way to bottle it, I believe it can solve much of the energy problems the world is currently facing.
Angry Baby Strength is the energy emitted when curious, two-foot-tall children are denied something they deem essential to their miniature intellects. This can be anything from an electrical outlet into which they absolutely must shove their fat, silly fingers; to an exciting wine rack that must be climbed using tiny, uncoordinated muscles; to a jewelry box full of earrings, pendants and other shiny items that seem delicious to the 17-month palate.
Oddly enough, this energy only reveals itself in public, never in private, and has a half-life of one minute, which is the average time it takes for a 17-month-old to forget what it was angry about, and become obsessed with something new to be angry about. During recent field research, I dropped into a Starbucks to order a $6 coffee. It was then I noticed my son insatiably reaching for the coat of the woman in front of me – red, zippers, buttons. Politely, ever so gently, I pulled him away, which triggered the hormonal chemical reaction inside his furious, combed-over head. As he yelped and, nearly successfully leapt from my arms, my instinct to save my progeny kicked in and my body maneuvered to protect him from falling. To many onlookers, it likely appeared he lifted me over his head, screeched, and then lofted me onto the floor, displacing the liquid in the cup and scattering our – mostly my – belongings across the coffee shop.
In that instance, Angry Baby Strength cost me $6 and my dignity. But think what it could mean to this country in terms of a renewable energy source, less carbon footprints, and putting a use to obnoxiously rude babies who have virtually no manners, and who treat their fathers horribly when forbidden from shoving foreign objects into their mouths.
Someday, we will live in a world where crying, fighting, griping, biting, scratching, hitting babies will power the electricity grid. For now, we just have to wait until they learn how to talk so we can explain to them that their tantrums are becoming somewhat of a public nuisance.
Note: Angry Baby Strength is not endorsed by the FDA. May cause headaches, backaches, neck aches, heartaches, premature aging, depression, low morale, hurt pride, ruined possessions, weakened sobriety, public humiliation, broken high heels, laughter from passersby. This product will weigh on your decisions to expand your family. Do not use while on the phone. Do not call your wife to complain about Angry Baby Strength; you’re a grown man and can fend for yourself. No crying.
—Photo Qole Pejorian/Flickr