Photo by Gint Aras
Writer Gint Aras probes the odd phenomenon of babies attracting babes…to his wife’s amusement
Prior to having Kira, my first child, I used to imagine what attention a baby might attract in public. I was mostly curious but also mildly anxious.
I live in Oak Park, Illinois, a suburb boasting good schools, beautiful parks and playgrounds, and a diverse culture of bookworms and patrons of the arts, things attractive to nerdy parents. Long before my wife had become pregnant, I had seen exhausted moms minding their own business in coffee shops or diners, a baby snoozing in a stroller, when a whole queue of strangers might form, each one poking in a head before offering two sentimental cents. An elderly woman has found the baby adorable. The empty-nesters cannot repress their nostalgia. A wired dad on his lunch break must announce that he has an infant the same age. And oh, what terror the nights have been! Crying, incessant crying. Colic! But sweet Moses, does the time fly. Just last Wednesday his daughter had been the size of a cantaloupe. Now—just in time for Halloween—she’s a pumpkin. Ha!
I noticed how pervasive the clichés of parenthood were: conversations between parents were more predictable than sitcom scripts. Were these clichés at all? Was I witnessing the small talk of the exhausted or something greater, a multi-tentacled and inescapable truth that choked all originality from the system? The talk of time flying, kids growing up so fast. One child looks like mom
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An infant? Attracting beautiful women? Tell her your daughter’s mother died of typhus in Corfu.
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while the other looks like dad (as if it should have been possible for one to look like Jane Crawford, the other Reverend Marvin Gaye, Sr.). The arguments over whose toes the baby had—were they aunt Caroline’s or grandpa Dave’s? It was bad enough that my wife had been guilt-tripped into a shower registry, but did family women really need to make a Russian doll of the cliché, suggest she set it in Target or Babies R’Us?
I expected to deal with this at family gatherings, but shouldn’t I deserve some peace when heading out to my local café? I have never handled small talk well, neither at work nor on a park bench. Would I fly off the handle, insult the gel-smeared head that poked itself into my daughter’s slumber? She’ll grow up so fast. I’ve heard. Enjoy her now because she’s gonna to be a teenager soon. Yes, true. She’s really very beautiful. Oh! Thank you. I hope you have a shotgun.
When my daughter was finally born and I took her out for the first walk, I was beaming with happiness. The anxious grump had all but disappeared, and I welcomed the smiles from strangers who would have normally paid me no attention. In fact, the odd ones were now those who caught notice of my sleeping baby but offered no gesture. Here we were, so happily radiant together, a father and his daughter. Yet this bastard just got his Americano and sat down next to us without even a glance.
I ended up in conversations with all sorts of strangers: men and women of every ethnicity and age, teenaged girls as well as drooling toddlers who’d wander over and babble Baby. If I ever brought my daughter to work, colleagues would give her little gifts. People on the subways were now helping me carry Kira’s stroller up and down stairs. In restaurants, entire parties moved from one table to another to offer me a more comfortable place. All of it shocked me. Even now, three years into parenthood, a second child in the family, I am not really used to it.
I am, however, used to people approaching me out of the blue. It quickly becomes normal. So I didn’t find it odd when, on a warm October afternoon, an attractive redhead—her German glasses, wool coat and cashmere scarf expensive even for Oak Park—crouched down beside the stroller and began cooing. “Oh. What a beautiful baby. An adorable child.”
Yes. Yes. And to repeat without stuttering, this was also an inexplicably attractive woman.
“What’s the baby’s name?”
“Kira.”
“Oh, my God. Just adorable.”
We had the usual small talk. “Kira’s six months old. She’s sleeping pretty well.” But the woman didn’t waste much time before getting to her point. She stood up, gave me a very direct glance and, flashing an easy smile, asked me: “So, where’s mom?”
“Mom? Well, she’s at home.”
“I see.” She nodded and looked down at Kira once again. “You have a beautiful daughter. Congratulations.”
The woman walked toward the library and my eyes followed her for a good moment. I then strolled around the neighborhood wondering what had just happened. That smile stayed with me—it caused a buzz in my throat and loins. Had she meant to be coquettish? Why was I feeling awkward and naughty about this particular buzz in my loins?
At such moments, I usually tell my wife that I feel weird. “Hey, I got hit on today.”
“Yeah? Good for you.”
“No. It happened.”
“Where?”
“The café. This woman. She asked me, Where’s mom?”
My wife laughed. “What did she look like?”
I described her.
“You’re hilarious. She’s just curious. You wouldn’t think she’s hitting on you if she weren’t gorgeous.”
“No. I think she flashed a coquettish smile.”
Her laugh was now rising from deep in the diaphragm. “Good. Take the baby on more walks.”
I continued taking the baby on walks, just as I continued going to the café, and Kira continued attracting random people. Then, only days later, another striking beauty presented herself, this one younger, brunette, a stack of medical textbooks on her table. She made small talk about Kira’s cute hat and her snug sleeping bag. Then she flashed a smile and asked, “So…where’s mom?”
I made a point now to observe her smile, to memorize it, and I can say with confidence that a jury of homosexual Greeks would have skipped deliberation. Coquette! Frigid nuns would have pointed arthritic fingers: “That one’s making eyes.” Nabokov would have patted me on the back: Tell her your daughter’s mother died of typhus in Corfu.
But it could not be! An infant? Attracting beautiful women? A few weeks later it happened again, and the beauty asked me, again, “Where’s mom?” This was not friendly curiosity. It must have been my naked ring finger—my wife and I had been unable to afford rings before our wedding and finally never bothered with them. What other explanation could there be? At that time I had been horribly out of shape, clinically obese, a double chin. I was suffering from insomnia, usually looked exhausted, and despite any effort, my hair fell in ways that accentuated bald spots. In short, I was uglier than I had ever been in my life, and yet the sophisticated beauties of an affluent suburb were making inquiries. Nothing vaguely similar had ever happened when I was in college or living in Europe, and I never got it when I was alone. It only happened when I had Kira.
A period passed when the experiences seemed to have ended. I explained them away as weird karma or my own delusions. But soon a few more women flashed their smiles and asked for my wife’s whereabouts. I wish I could interview them because I’m at a loss—most women close to me, including my sister-in-law and wife, brush it off as blithe conversation, tell me I’m inflating things. I’m assuming these women had no kids of their own, for example. Perhaps they’re right. Because what could a single woman’s motivation be? If I said, My wife died of typhus in Corfu, would they ask for my number? Is it some weird fetish guys don’t know about (and should I tell my single friends to push strollers around the streets)? If I were really a single dad, would these women honestly want to involve themselves in my complicated life, help raise some other woman’s kid? Could they possibly assume I’d have very much spare time? If fathers are naturally attractive—if a man demonstrates his appeal simply by being a dad—do you make the leap to think he wants to father your kids just as well? After two kids, my wife and I are not interested in any more, either with each other or anyone else.
Since having kids, I have so often talked to exhausted moms of newborns, twins or rambunctious toddlers. I have looked into their strollers and started clichéd conversations. Yet I have never asked them to tell me where their partners were. It’s not because I lack curiosity. When you learn how difficult it is to raise kids, you wonder if it’s just as difficult for others, what their circumstances might be. But those circumstances are a private matter, and they explain the pervasive, completely safe clichés of parental camaraderie. I also have a feeling that an exhausted mom might take offense if some random guy started asking about her partner: was s/he near or far or dumped or dead? She might even ask me who I thought I was. Was it any of my business?
About Gint Aras
It is simple. Pre-selection. You have demonstrated to these women that another woman has laid claim to you, so you are not worthless in their eyes. You have also showed an ability to reproduce, which is again pre-selection.
You are also making a mistake many, if not most, men make. You are assuming that the way men view the world, especially with respect to sex and reproduction, is universal. Men and women are not equal in this regard. We have divergent evolutionarily designed mating patterns. With respect to wondering about whether or not a woman would want to raise another womans child or be with a single father, why not? Women don’t have to worry about whether or not the baby is actually theirs. Moms baby and dads maybe. In fact, by showing that you are a good dad, and that the baby is healthy, you are demonstrating the same thing that these beautiful women demonstrate by shaking their hips…on a mating level atleast.
People often wonder why so many MRAs, especially younger ones like me, are so angry. Well, it comes from the fact that we were raised in an environment where we were told that we are the same as women but then that clashes with real life and at best you get articles like this. Even more it is kinda annoying how so many women keep this type of information between gals and out of the reach of men and boys.
That what always bothered me – you smile at any male (even if he is 50 years older granny, homeless druggy or obese greasy hair teenager) and almost without exception you see this annoying curiosity in their eyes. If you keep being polite and keep smiling and have a small talk, you will get asked for your phone number. So tell me, Karolis, should women exclude all men and be polite and smile only at other women? Should they not talk to men at all? And you are right about that, babies are the object of attention. It doesn’t matter who you are. Or you think the beautiful women are somehow different from the rest of population and they think only about sex? BTW, didn’t you have a granny coming and smiling at you, asking about the baby and her mommy?
Are you referring to all women or just the really beautiful ones? Even then, different men are attracted to different things. I’m pretty sure gay men aren’t particularly interested in obtaining your number. Some older men might not even be primarily interested in sex. Loneliness causes people to seek other people out too. My mom had a group of friends, men and women, who met because they did laundry together. There is a group of older people who would hang out at the local bank in their little lounge area. An older man at work hangs out with a group from Church.
To The Troll King: people want to have sex (men and women), not reproduce! Do you think women feel orgasm from reproducing? Where did you say you were raised? In Pakistan?
I’ve seen no shortage of clucky women who literally have their eyes light-up when you talk about anything baby-related. There are plenty of women who DO want to reproduce, and men too…
I’m the Father of four, and was the primary at home caretaker for all of them. like it or not agree or not, it happens. and not just coquettish smiles, i’m pretty thick , my current lady, (the kids mom and i had irreconcilable differences) had to tell me to shut up and ask blatantly if i were interested, but even I noticed some of the advances, some were blatant some were very direct, a few might have been hitting on me but i couldn’t be sure so i assumed not. they all got sent away, but comments like “do you have time for yourself, i mean can you get a sitter? We could do … something.” can be hard to interpret wrongly. i’ve had friends who joked saying they’d like to borrow the kids. So knowing you;re a good father is a turn on to some ladies. My call on that GOOD FOR THEM, i’ve seen plenty of people attracte to the exact wrong type of people, and if seeing a good parent gets their interest that’s a requirement i think most people should have. my two cents and not worth more than that.
I know, it’s odd how everyone assumes Gint must be imagining things. Is it really outside the realm of possibility that they could be hitting on him?
wello, it appears that gint’s eyes clearly lied to him lololol
I think it may be women hitting on you, but it also could be that a lot of women don’t expect to see a father with a baby without the mother around, and they are genuinely curious as to why it’s only you. A lot of women, whether it be through cultural biases or not, don’t think a man can take care of a baby, so it’s startling to them.
I’ve been confronted like this before by other moms, asking me where the mom is. They think fathers aren’t capable of taking care of children.
Dave at first your comment was correct along the lines of people do not see fathers alone with the baby very often, but then you crush it by saying women think fathers are incapable to raise children, that is wrong. I’m sure there are men who think the same but that’s just people’s view, not a one gendered idea. I’ve see fathers alone with their children and not once did I think, ” oh my goodness where is the mother?! Doesn’t she know that men can not take care of their own kids and they will soon parish because his man brain which isn’t wired for child rearing!” No I didn’t, in fact I thought it was wonderful that this man loved his children enough to spend time with them and go out and do things, they are what keep reminding me that there are good parents out there in the world and that that father is one of them. I respect them more because I have a father who is a disgrace. I’m even kind of jealous that the child has such a great and loving dad.
I just wanted to point out that Dave used phrases like “it may be”, or “a lot”. Never did he state “all women” think fathers aren’t capable of taking care of children. He simply related an anecdote where he has been confronted by women who espouse exactly that notion.
It’s lovely to hear that you don’t buy into that mindset.
One way to test your hypothesis, besides the “Corfu Gambit,” is to wear a wedding ring and see if it makes a difference. It doesn’t have to be an expensive one, any old metal band will do. If that makes no difference, it’s probably just conversation. If the questions about the mother disappear, then maybe you’re onto something….
Alternatively, these women may not be asking for themselves but have in mind setting you up with their single-mother friends. If it’s interest, it may not be her interest specifically.
The stroller does make attractive women bend over and/or look up at you during the conversation, so in that sense who cares what motivates them? : – )
I found my baby attracts a lot of old ladies… like grandmas.
You’re always more attractive when you are obviously unavailable. Get used to it.
I really hate to burst the author’s bubble, but young, attractive women generally don’t want to get into messy relationships with older dads (single or taken). The most likely reason why these women were smiling at you was that the sight of an adorable baby releases endorphins from a woman’s brain. I know that even in my most foul moods, I can’t help but smile when I see a little one. They probably asked about mom out of concern for child or curiosity. In fact, I always feel more akin to men AND women who are carrying a baby, but I always feel I have to be careful around the dads BECAUSE they may draw conclusions similar to the author’s!
As a young, attractive female, I always find it sad and annoying when simple courtesy, curiosity, and pleasantness gets mistaken for me “showing interest” in a guy. Is sex all you men really think about? Note to self: ignore next GMP article telling me that men are beyond that stereotype. Clearly, you ain’t!
Why do you find that sad and annoying?
What I find sad and annoying is when men don’t know if they’re being hit on or not, because it’s happened so rarely that they’ve never learned to tell.
Yes, it’s quite annoying when starving people always go on and on about food, or homeless people keep thinking about shelter and warmth. How terribly rude of them.
dude – you are delusional.
Wow. How ridiculous is this author? Why on earth would a young, attractive woman want to get involved with an older man who already has a baby?! As a young, attractive female, I often smile and chat with men who have babies or small children. What those men may not realize is that I do the same thing with women who have little kids, too. I have absolutely no interest in getting involved with a man who has a kid (no matter how cute the kid) and my friends will vouch the same.
There’s a reason why women smile and gush in these circumstances – it’s the release of endorphins in the brain we get when we see cute little babies. It’s a strong reaction, not unlike the rush of hormones you guys get when you watch porn, maybe? Biological imperative is strong in both sexes.
I just feel like smiling when I see babies, but I’m always afraid that the dads will take it the wrong way (and according to this article, they clearly do!). Why is it that a young, pretty woman cannot be courteous, curious, or pleasant with a male stranger without him assuming that she is “interested”? Apparently we can’t and it’s sad and infuriating. Is sex the only thing you men ever think of? Note to self: ignore any future GMP articles that state that men are beyond that stereotype. Clearly they aren’t!
Yeah! The author is a total dick for being attracted to a confident, pleasant, and good-looking young lady! How dare he misinterpret her intrest?? God, this is just the sort of blatant misogyny that hurts women the world over today. Doesn’t he care at all about the world his little girl is going to grow up in??
Plus, as he’s already reproduced he obviously has nothing else to offer the females of our species! There’s absolutely no reason they even COULD be attracted to him!
As a young, attractive female, I agree with Tom, you are only seeing what you want to see.
My my, there sure are a lot of “young, attractive females” commenting on this discussion. What say you ugly, frumpy females? Care to chime in?
I can only say from my side of the experience that when I see a man with a baby in public, he is more approachable in just a friendly way. I might be all smiles and coos over the baby but I am not flirting with him at all. I’m totally not interested in men with children. There is just something heart warming about a man taking care of a baby. And I think a lot of men can interpret the friendly attitude for flirting. It’s often joked about how if a woman just smiles at a man, he thinks she is flirting. But she could just be smiling at him because he reminds her of her brother or Uncle Charley.
I will also say that it hasn’t gone unnoticed how this article specifically focused on the looks of the women that were doing the supposed “hitting on”. I bet plenty of average and plain women also are friendly and all smiles to men with babies. Once again, apparently only beautiful women matter, not “women” in general of all levels of looks.
@Erin, when I was walking my black lab puppy along the esplanade I had A LOT of women, some EXTREMELY attractive women ooing n ahhing, seeing their face light up like xmas was unforgettable. It was funny seeing their bf’s reaction to them, that subtle laugh. They probably thought the puppy was cute too but I guess women are socialized more to show those emotions openly. No idea if any of the women were interested in me though, seems my wingman stole all their attention and so I don’t assume those women are into me but just being friendly and having a happy cutesy overload from the puppy, or baby.
Hey! I think I know that joke too! Is it the one that goes:
“Did you hear about the hetero guy that was so starved for any female attention that he misinterpreted a woman politely tolerating him as her actually being interested in him?”
Ha! It’s funny because it’s blatantly and universally true but we pretend otherwise!
Gint,
Could it possibly be confirmation bias? I couldn’t help but notice the common thread connecting these women hitting on you was the fact that YOU found THEM attractive.
Or maybe because they’re young they pried into your personal business more then the more mature women who kept their small talk more polite?
Or maybe hella suburban beauties just have stroller fetishes?
Guys have come up to me when I am with my kids and ask “Where’s Dad? That does not mean that they are hitting on me. It is just people’s curiosity. Why is it that only the attractive ones are hitting on you? You either wish they were or you are over exaggerating something that isn’t there