Elke Govertsen believes we need to show the same respect for boys that we do for girls by pushing people to stop using the harmful words in our language like “wimpy”, “sissy” and “be a man”.
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The campaign to Ban Bossy has really taken off. There is momentum, discussion and PR.
Sounds great, but please, please don’t stop there. Please take a few other choice words that we somehow have determined have a gender affiliation. Take on “wimpy,” “sissy” and “be a man” and whatever the hell that implies.
I am the mother of sons and am in full support of encouraging better ways to speak to and about girls. But I watch my sweet sons faces as people crack jokes at them like “Stay away from my daughters,” and “lady killer” about their looks, and “wimpy” or “man up” when they cry. The implied threat of their future sexuality, the messaging that they will somehow become something that fathers need to protect daughters from, is not only confusing, but also frightening to them. What have they done wrong? What will they become? On the flip side, they are squeezed out of expressing themselves. The rock and the hard place for boys needs to be part of the “bossy” campaign. Ban Bossy, while it is focusing on equality it is missing the opportunity to be gender equal.
But there is more…
While you have the national stage, let’s talk about name calling and shaming in general. I am not just talking about kids; I am talking about adults who are talking TO kids. And how we speak to each other.
Feeling bad about ourselves takes an enormous amount of energy, resources and time. And it is a vicious cycle, because when we feel crummy about ourselves, we often take it out on other people and makes them feel small too.
Shame and name calling are insidious and contagious epidemics.
So today, my challenge to myself if this:
• Listen to my words. My own words.
• Catch the names, labels and shaming.
• Then listen harder, to my mind talk.
• Be unflinchingly honest about the words I attach to people and their actions, even the ones I don’t say out loud.
• Be particularly aware of my words to my kids. We have a tendency to speak to kids in ways we would never an adult.
• Once we get over the shock of our own contributions to name calling, make a point of catching it before it comes out of your mouth. Before the words cannot be unsaid.
• Work backwards and start at the source of our own bias and judgment.
• Quiet that awful part of our own minds, but looking deep enough to see that our own self worth is the root.
• Work every day to build up the people around us. Girls, boys, ourselves.
Take the momentum and use it to make some fundamental changes. Seismic shifts happen on fault lines — see our own faults in this and sure up the foundation. Dig deep.
Start with bossy, but don’t stop there.
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Originally published on Huffington Post
Photos: [top] C.S.V. flickr, [bottom] Holly Andres
I agree 100%. But, don’t stop there. Add to the list the terms “jerk”, “creep(er), “a-hole”, “d-bag”, and the pejorative for penis.
Those names are just as harmful.
I’d make it creep(er) when used wrongly.
As a sensitive boy who heard all 3 phrases as a kid I can tell you that “be a man” is the most awful and damaging phrase for young boys as for the longest time I thought I wasn’t a “real man” and felt ashamed of that and wanted to fit in. Since I have learned about feminism I know it is OK for boys to cry and be sensitive and who they are
OK, fine protect everyone from everything. But surely don’t start from the least offended and work up. Stop using words that are explicitly male gendered and imply that men are something less than human. Of the six or seven most common direct insults you can throw at someone, only two refer to women. We even have to re-purpose the ones that are male-gendered in ways that make no sense, so that we do not overuse those two, which are considered much more hurtful than their exact equivalents. Ever call a woman a jackass? Why? A Mother F***? How does that… Read more »
Elke,
As its not likely that words will actually be “banned” from the English language, for those who want to make a concrete difference, they’d support the creation of a White House Council on Boys and Men. http://whitehouseboysmen.org/blog/the-proposal/executive-summary
A similar council for Girls and Women has been in place since 2009 but advocating for boys has been stymied. http://townhall.com/columnists/rachelalexander/2014/02/03/exposed-obama-blocks-white-house-council-on-boys-and-men-n1788584/page/full
This, despite Boys earning 39% of degrees, having a suicide rate 4-5X that of girls, being much more heavily medicated, etc. As a Mother of sons, I wanted to ensure you were aware.
Thanks– this is really good information.
Thanks for this info– and link!
The odds of Christine O’Donnell defeating Hillary Clinton in a general election are far higher than the chances of this becoming a reality.