1. Along with sporting events and campfires, babies are the biggest reason why the hot dog industry is still alive and kicking.
2. Human beings are born good. It’s the world that turns us bad.
3. Necessity taught me how to pick up and carry three babies at the same time.
4. Necessity also taught me how to relieve myself while holding two, and use my leg to keep the third out of, um, the line of fire.
5. Every adult has a Donald Duck voice.
6. Most Donald Duck voices suck.
7. No matter how lame the Donald Duck voice is, every baby still thinks it’s funny.
8. Little boys wear gowns.
9. These gowns are manufactured by companies with names like Kissy Kissy.
10. Said manufacturers, I’ve concluded, are trying to turn my boys into the laughing stock of the male baby community. Why don’t they just go ahead and hand out free ass-kickings with each emasculating purchase my wife insists on making?
11. You don’t have to be as careful as you think when checking on three babies in the middle of the night. They’re not gonna wake up.
12. When changing a diaper, pulling a wipe from the plastic container doesn’t go down as advertised. The one on top is almost always stuck and requires the diaper changer to dig for it.
13. If a 3-month-old’s ding dong is exposed during that digging, there’s a 40 percent chance the changer gets doused.
14. I could invent the cure for all forms of cancer and my guy friends would still consider me nothing more than “that poor bastard with 2-year-old triplets.”
15. Whenever one of our babies takes a shit in the tub, we have no idea which one did it.
16. Whenever one of our babies takes a shit in the tub, I automatically rule out my daughter for reasons pertaining to mental serenity.
17. I’m better at changing dirty diapers than most men.
18. I’m better at changing dirty diapers than most women.
19. I’m not so great at discarding dirty diapers in a secured manner.
20. Because of #19, our dog has discovered he likes to eat soiled diapers.
21. Ingesting these soiled diapers makes our dog throw up.
22. Kissing a dog on the mouth, it turns out, isn’t that great of an idea after all.
23. With three babies, it’s virtually impossible to be overprotective.
24. Those overprotective parents who act as if they’re the first couple to ever have a baby? The ones who treat their infant as if the very survival of planet Earth is directly proportional to their kid’s well-being? Y’all need to get over yourselves. Friendly reminder—you’re like the umpteenth billionth couple to have a baby. Back in the Stone Age, babies were raised in caves for crying out loud. Babies aren’t gonna break. Quit treating them like they could. If your kid misses a nap, eats some dirt, or skins his knee, he’ll be okay. All you’re doing is creating a sissy. (Wait, you don’t work for a baby clothing manufacturer, do you?)
25. People think it’s perfectly okay to ask the parents of triplets extremely personal questions. Did y’all do in-vitro? People, that’s invasive stuff. (And no, we didn’t).
26. Doubling the size of your family overnight by quadrupling the number of children in it does not affect the amount of love you can give each one. Love is infinite, and infinity divided by any number is still infinity.
27. Buttons suck, snaps rock, and zippers rule.
—Photos Twenty-seven: pug50/Flickr Donald Duck With Kids: Joe Shlabotnik/Flickr Grinning Dog: pacdog/flickr
About John Cave Osborne
I’ll add a few more…
28. Laundry never ends.
29. When grabbing an armful of whites to wash a load, it is a pretty sure bet that you will have washed 18 socks, yet none of them are matching pairs.
30. No matter how often you take all the kids with you places without the wife, multiple people will always say, “It looks like you have your hands full”, and “Mom’s day off huh?”
31. You can get charged for assault for punching those people in the teeth.
Well, I only have twins (and no other children), so I guess I got it pretty easy.
Thanks for putting it in perspective for me. Although a lot of what’s on your list happens in our house too. . . and, yes, fuck buttons and wipes that don’t come out of the plastic container. Bastards!
JCO that was hilarious. I am about to double my family size too as you know so I’m sure I’ll learn a lot of these same lessons. And thanks for the public service announcement trying to help our country stop producing sissies. Good stuff.
Amen to 12. It is a conspiracy so you spend more money.
My baby sisters are twins. Thirty six years ago people would stop and stare at them because you just didn’t see twins very often. I don’t remember what they would ask my parents, but I do remember the look on my father’s face which suggests that he found them as inappropriate as you do.
I have been out of the blogging business for a while but I saw the link to this on FB! Great stuff John:) I didn’t know who had written it when I first started reading, but but about halfway through I suspected it must be you!
Love it! We have an almost 5 year old boy and BBG trips that will be 3 in May. My husband is a school Principal and has worked very had to get where he is, but the day the triplets were born, only #14 applies!!!!! Thanks for the laugh
@4loves Thank! and that’s so awesome about your BBG triplets *and* your 5 year old boy. we have a 9 year old girl and my wife is pregnant with number 5.
@Lani—what do you mean you’re out of the blogging business?!
@Jack—living with multiples means living with questions from strangers. period.
@Otter—you’re about to get it, brother. truly get it.
@Jared—the buttons suck the worst. and by no means do you have it easy w/ twins! nor do parents w/ singletons have it easy. we’re all dealt the cards we’re dealt. so we play the game the best we can. and it’s a hard game, parenting it. no matter what cards we’re holding.
@DC—HA! so true. especially #30 and 31. great stuff…
Your number 16 made me laugh. When my students do their impromptu speeches, one of the topics I like to give to the guys is, “Three rules men wish women knew.” This past semester was the first time a guy said, “Please, ladies, do not ever go to the bathroom in front of us. Men think women don’t poop.” I had no idea!!!
I am cracking up…we have BBB triplet one year olds! I can’t wait to share this with my husband! Thanks for the laughs and keep them coming!
@annette—i’m not sure if i understand what you’re saying. my wife, for instance, has never once taken a shit.
@kristin—three boys! how awesome. our BBGs are actually 3. (i wrote this a while back…) hope you and your crew are having a great new year thus far.
Hysterical! I have 5-year-old BGB triplets. It never ceases to amaze me the questions people ask. I think you should also add: The only way to survive is to keep your sense of humor! You obviously still have yours, kudos!
Gloria K.
3X Blessed with Matthew, Rachel & Jordan