Yashar Ali wants us to stop telling our children who they should be affectionate with.
The shocking and tragic events at Penn State that have unfolded over the past two weeks, which have exposed former assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, as a sexual predator, have (yet again) brought the issue of child sex abuse to the forefront of our collective consciousness.
In light of recent events, I want to discuss an issue, a behavior, that has bothered me for some time. It’s about how we encourage our kids to abandon their sense of self-trust—their instinct and intuition—in order to be polite through showing physical affection to adults.
How often, especially during the holidays, are children confronted with moments like this one: a relative comes to visit and the child’s parents say something like, “Now, give your uncle a hug and kiss.”
And when the child refuses to provide physical affection, or hesitates at the request, they sometimes hear things like, “You’re hurting your uncle’s feelings. It’s not polite. Now, go give him a hug and kiss.”
Some of us even remember our relatives asking us (some may say pleading or begging) for affection, “Aren’t you going to give me a hug and kiss? Please?!”
I think this insisting and cajoling of a child into showing physical affection towards an adult is incredibly dangerous. Whether it’s a relationship between a child and his/her relatives or one between a kid and an adult who is an acquaintance, family friend, mentor, this type of behavior, in which children are expected to show physical affection as a sign of respect, is something I think we all need to be careful about.
For me, it’s about the issue of when a child gives us the sense that they don’t want to be physically affectionate with someone, and our tendency to encourage the child, at that particular moment, to abandon their intuition and instinct. It’s a small step towards the erosion of that child’s sense of self-trust.
At that moment, we are telling them, “Forget about how you feel. Do something that makes you feel uncertain and uncomfortable, so that someone else (an adult) can feel acknowledged and respected.”
We are all built with a natural, innate inclination, a real sense of what feels right and wrong. Every species of animal is born with an instinctual drive. Unfortunately, the human species is the only one continually taught to ignore their instincts.
There is, however, a difference between intuition and instinct. Even though the words are often confused as synonyms for each other, there is a simple way to separate the two. We are all born with instinct, but intuition is built through education, living, and practice. Our intuition is linked to a keen and quick insight.
These two internal senses, intuition and instinct, make up my idea of self-trust. I see self-trust as related to trusting your reactions, your feelings about people, circumstances, and decisions. I see self-trust as the most authentic reactions and feelings.
I acknowledge that some kids are just being difficult, but it’s not about their motivation so much as it is about our reaction. At that moment, we initiate a process where we require boys and girls to have physical interaction when they don’t want to and at that moment, we also tell them to ignore their sense of self-trust. We are teaching kids that adults are in charge of who they should be and are affectionate with. We are telling them that they don’t have the right or power to make their own decisions about human, physical interaction.
Again, it’s the little moments that create a big collective weight over time.
But my point is, no one has the right to receive affection, especially from a child. It’s not part of normal, polite interactions. It’s extra. When we ask kids to offer physical signs of affection, a hug or a kiss may seem innocuous enough to us, as adults.
Can you imagine asking or expecting an adult to hug and kiss another adult, as a way to show acknowledgement or respect? Normally, we wouldn’t encourage two adults to have that sort of interaction because we all have a sense of what kinds of physical affection are appropriate in a given circumstance. We have a sense of what we feel comfortable with and we react according to our gut.
Why can’t we allow children to tap into this same instinctive, internal sense?
This doesn’t mean I think we should live in a society without affection. To the contrary.
But the idea that a child can be guilt-tripped or cajoled into affection is disgusting to me. It’s not a light-hearted or funny moment; it’s sad. At that moment, we are telling that child to give their physical selves in order to appease us adults, for reasons that they don’t fully understand or appreciate. Our motivation, whether it’s social embarrassment or a desire to connect with the child, puts us first, rather than thinking of them first … as it should be.
When it comes to acknowledging other people, the most we can expect from children is for them to politely and verbally greet adults. And as far as I’m concerned, anything else, is expecting too much and is patently unfair.
Some may say that this way of handling interaction between adults and children will build up cynicism in kids, will rob them of their innocent childhood, and will make them overly cautious of adults—or even teach them to be aloof.
Well, our childhoods have never been innocent (now or ever). One out of every four girls and one of out of every six boys will face sexual abuse before their 18th birthday. We only have to look at the numbers to understand that for many kids, there have never been bright, sunny childhoods.
For much too long, they have been filled with silent moments of sexual abuse, we just haven’t discussed them. They have been hidden away, just like the victims of Jerry Sandusky. It’s only when we shatter this myth of a childhood era of innocence that we can begin to understand what children truly face.
Sexual abuse completely revamps the blueprint of the victim’s life. Their worldview shifts, the way they process trust, how they build relationships, their sense of safety, are all permanently altered.
So, I think I’d much rather have our children be slightly cynical and aware, to encourage them to follow their sense of self-trust, and as a result, to give them a better chance at protecting themselves, than to insist that kids must show physical affection when they don’t feel comfortable.
After all, it’s not like we’ve done our part to protect our kids, not at all. And if we have any doubt about that, all we have to do is think about Mike McQueary, looking on as that poor boy was raped in the locker room shower at Penn State.
Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy, How We Teach Women to Ignore Their Intuition and Silence Their Own Voices If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.
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This piece originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
Photo by D Sharon Pruit / Flickr
Personally, I feel you are over thinking this whole situation. Maybe parents need to reiterate “Don’t talk to strangers” or “If someone hurts you, tell me immediately”, but having a child give their uncle a hug and a kiss is not going to have that much effect on the child. Maybe if the kid is very set on staying away from their parents best friend, the parent shouldn’t force it, but I grew up in a big Italian family and was told to give a hug and a kiss to each family member every reunion. I feel these experiences helped… Read more »
Marcus, I completely agree with you. I probably wasn’t clear enough. I’m talking only about when parents force hugs and kisses on a child that doesn’t want it (or as much of it) and I’m especially thinking about kids as they get older, not babies. Older kids have the right, IMHO, to get to say “please no” if parents are smothering them with physical affection to meet their own adult needs and the child doesn’t like it. That right was denied to me and I resent it.
Something I have not really seen addressed here is the needs of the child who is by nature not very physically affectionate. Just as society “favors” extroversion over introversion, and yet 25% of humans are introverts, children (and adults) have varying levels of comfort with affection. But parents, families, and society view the child with a “warm” or “affectionate” personality more favorably. Some kids (like I was) are just not that touchy-feely, or kissy-huggy, even with parents, and the more they are coerced and shamed, the more they internalize that there is something innately wrong with them. It took me… Read more »
I agree with most of your comment, Lori, but diverge at the end: This article talks mostly about affection with strangers or the extended family. It should be about affection with ANYONE, and that can include parents. Forced affection almost always backfires. Every person, regardless of age, should get to decide what happens within their personal space. I support the idea of giving kids more autonomy when it comes to affection with strangers or extended family. The idea of letting kids “decide what happens with their personal space”—especially very small ones like my twin toddlers— gets into that overgeneralized territory… Read more »
Great article! I always hated it when my parents pushed me to give a hug and kiss a strange friend or relative. We were not a physically affectionate family among ourselves, so it was very upsetting to be told that all of a sudden I had to accept a smothering, sloppy hug and kiss from someone I barely knew, who often reeked of cigarettes and too much perfume! Yuck! I would never even think of touching someone else’s child or asking them for a hug or kiss. That seems very weird and inappropriate. You can always tell that most children… Read more »
This is a really interesting article. I’m not a parent and I have no intention of being one any time soon, but I hope this is something I will carry with me. I was a very affectionate child, I loved being hugged and picked by my parents and close family members, but even I HATED being told I had to hug or kiss an adult I barely knew. “no one has the right to receive affection, especially from a child. It’s not part of normal, polite interactions. It’s extra.” This is a great point. Why do adults cajole and push… Read more »
AMAZING article!!! So necessary, I have shared it with dozens of my parent-friends. I have always agreed with this! Our boundaries are what keep us safe, teach your children that getting to know someone and trust them, and then touching them when everyone is comfortable is a HEALTHY and normal way to establish boundaries. A high-five or blowing a kiss or even just saying “Hello” is sufficient, if a grownup is offended they need to be taken aside and told that you respect that that’s the way they were raised and you identify with how they feel, but that you’re… Read more »
I did hug and uncle that I didn’t really want to when I was little. It was yucky at the time but I am so thankful that I got those hugs. It was only when I was older that I grew to cherish those few hugs because he died prematurely. It was only then that I learned of his struggles in life, that he loved me especially and, in fact, named me. I will never forget those (at the time) yucky hugs but grew to realize that they were filled with love for me. There is no doubt that at… Read more »
So glad to read this comment in amongst a sea of agreement Eric! Children are not exercising some great intuition when they resist a hug, just as they are not exercising intuition when they sulk, or take a tantrum, or demand something they can’t have. The worst possible thing you could do to a child is to take away the love and care that is manifested in teaching them how to behave. This article is dangerously nonsensical. Treat everyone as if they are a paedophile and you end up in the worst possible world.
Duncan, I haven’t read anywhere anyone advocating that everyone is to be viewed and treated as a paedophiles.
Could you point out where this has been indicated?
That is precisely the tenor of the piece. The initial approach to any adult is to be mistrust, on the basis that all adults are potential abusers. That is exactly what is being said here. The argument set out is that we have an innate sense of right and wrong, and that we should trust that in children. It is nonsense. We have an innate fear of the unknown, but there is nothing innate which defines morality. Morality must be taught. A child is scared of its mother or father if it does not know them. The logic of the… Read more »
The point is that children’s instincts should be trusted. So, the fact that a 4 year old “instinctively” doesn’t want to hug Aunt Millie is a clear indication of what?
That she is a pedophile, as the article inplies?
Or, is it more likely that she’s unknown to him, smells funny, and is old and scary looking to him?
Eric – can you show where it is implied that Aunt Millie is a Pedophile?
You have raised the issue of Subjective in perception. You do seem to be very objective in your comments and views about what has been written. So can you show us objectively where it is written or implied that Aunt Millie is a Pedophile?
“The shocking and tragic events at Penn State that have unfolded over the past two weeks, which have exposed former assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, as a sexual predator, have (yet again) brought THE ISSUE OF CHILD SEX ABUSE to the forefront of our collective consciousness. IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS, I want to discuss an issue, a behavior, that has bothered me for some time. It’s about how we encourage our kids to abandon their sense of self-trust—their instinct and intuition—in order to be polite through showing physical affection to adults. For much too long, they have been filled… Read more »
Eric – I believe you missed part of the phrase you chose to capitalize. “… to give them a better chance at PROTECTING THEMSELVES,…” Better – not absolute! In light of events I do believe it is very healthy that so many are questioning how to do things better in future. That questioning allows people to learn. Absolutes often prevent learning. I understand from my world history that it was once an absolute that the world was flat, that the sun went round the earth. Experience and analysis showed that to not be true. There was even much discussion about… Read more »
Eric – I believe you missed part of the phrase you chose to capitalize. “… to give them a better chance at PROTECTING THEMSELVES,…” Great job in protecting them from giving their grandmother who flew cross country to see them a hug. Yeah, see it’s the parents’ job to protect children. That’s why they aren’t allowed to live on their own. Do what you want but I know for a fact that my girls haven’t been in any situation where they could have been abused; yet, they know to respectfully, give their grandmothers and grandfathers, uncles, and aunts hugs when… Read more »
“That is precisely the tenor of the piece. The initial approach to any adult is to be mistrust, on the basis that all adults are potential abusers. That is exactly what is being said here.” Sorry to disagree with you, but I believe that myself and many others don’t see what you see. I have not seen anything in the original piece which indicates the view, or presents any argument, that “The initial approach to any adult is to be mistrust, on the basis that all adults are potential abusers.”. Can you explain where this idea is presented in the… Read more »
The point is that there is no line. The best, the very best, we can do for our children is to equip them to evaluate the world for themselves. But the idea that children should not be “cajoled” into doing things they express a desire not to do is bewildering. Perhaps I am overstating the case presented, but here’s a scenario that might help to illustrate my point: a soldier serving overseas meets his child for the first time aged two. The child considers him a stranger, and wants nothing to do with him. Is the child exercising its innate… Read more »
Duncan – I agree that the line is Illusionary. For every case in one direction, there is an example in the other. What is important is that there is discussion about how to deal with the issue. Some will demand hard and fast lines – it’s who they are. As for figures and statistics being unsourced – do you really want want ALL the references? Here are a few to be going on with! a)Russell, Diana E.H. 1988. The Incidence and Prevalence of Intrafamilial and Extrafamilial Sexual Abuse of Female Children. In Handbook on Sexual Abuse of Children, ed., Lenore… Read more »
Teaching children what and who to trust IS what parents do. That is their job. So, this idea that kids’ instincts, not parents, should be trusted is ridiculous. The entire concept of parenthood is teaching kids what and who they can trust. It’s also the job of a parent to know what and who can be trusted. It’ also the job of a parent to supervise their children’s activities, to pay attention to who they are with and what they are doing – at all times. When parents do their jobs, the risk of children being abused dramactically declines. As… Read more »
“So, this idea that kids’ instincts, not parents, should be trusted is ridiculous. ” Your view seems to be predicated on the idea that parents instincts are to be trusted – and that parents/adults are always right. Sorry to have to break the news to you, BUT, that aint true! Parents, care givers and significant adults can be more than fallible and in error, and all too often more prone to social experience and peer pressure than children. What do the kids rely upon then? I have found it odd how so many kids have had instincts they have reacted… Read more »
If a 3 year olds instincts are to be trusted over his/her parents extra 25, 30 or more years of life experience, they are unfit parents and CPS should remove the child from their care. BTW, children do not instinctively trust their own parents. Should they be removed from their custody or give them time to learn to trust their parents, based on life experience? If a 3 year olds instincts are superior to his/her parents, that child should be removed from their custody immediately. If the instincts of a child are to be trusted over their parents, why shouldn’t… Read more »
Eric. you seem to like the absurd!
You seem to know a lot about instinct and how it works for you.
Cheers.
It’s absurd to conflate hugging homely great Aunt Millie at Thanksgiving dinner to with 25 people present with being abused by a pedophile coach.
Yes it is absurd to conflate the two. But I agree that parents shouldn’t pressure their kids to do things they don’t want to. But that is my prejudice about how to raise children. Interestingly although many here are willing to say this about affection I would go much much further. One thing I never liked is telling children to share their toys. Some of these lessons like sharing are not things that can be forced down your throat. You kind of have to trust the child to learn these things on their own. The way parents seem to operate… Read more »
Eric, you seem to be generalizing from a recommendation to give kids more autonomy over giving and receiving physical affection from people they don’t know well (even if their parents do) to a recommended philosophy of letting 3 yr. olds do what they want, when they want, however they want. No one is suggesting that would be a good idea. (I think.) The point, which I never considered before but is definitely food for thought, is that forcing a “good” kind of physical affection on kids, because we know and trust the people we’re forcing on them, might well erode… Read more »
I should mention, I trusted my abuser, too, until it happened, so it wasn’t like I got handed off to someone that was a stranger to me. When it happened, though, that trust was part of what made it so confusing and difficult to respond to.
1. The blogger is a major issue over something that seldom happens to most kids. Usually at Thanksgiving dinner or similar function with several or dozen people present. 2. He is further conflating hugging homely great Aunt Millie at Thanksgiving dinner with all the family present with becoming a victim of a pedophile. 3. On the rare occasion that s/he does hug Aunt Millie, it’s quite unlikely that she is the one who is going to molest him/her. I am sorry that you were abused; however, to quote my original statement: “It’s also the job of a parent to supervise… Read more »
“….so that there are two parents and about properly supervising children at ALL times.”. So that’s mom and dad at scout camp? At gym? … and football practice?… in fact ALL the time? What if Mom or Dad has a job? Do they have to get time off work to deal with the ALL? Not ALL families have high incomes and even both parents have to work. Are ALL employers to give ALL parents extended maternity and paternity leave until the child is of a certain age? That may be a disincentive to employing most adults unless they can prove… Read more »
“So that’s mom and dad at scout camp? At gym? … and football practice?… in fact ALL the time?” I was a scout. Guess who volunteered to go on scout excursions? Our football team had, like, 50 guys. No idea how or when anyone could be abused. “What if Mom or Dad has a job? Do they have to get time off work to deal with the ALL?” Do they work 24/7? It’s a parents responsibility to ensure their children are safe. If they can’t ensure that, the children are best at home. “Not ALL families have high incomes and… Read more »
Concept? Absurd? Obvious? Example? Conflate? You respond with “define abuse”. That is odd, since if you are so certain as to how ALL of the issues should be resolved, I would expect you to have looked up the term “Abuse” and understand it in context. You even recommend that a dictionary be used to understand the word “ALL”. Since others are evidently at fault for not understanding basic terms such as “Abuse”, everyone will just have to wait for you to define ALL the necessary terms and points of reference so that we can see the error of so many… Read more »
You respond with “define abuse”. That is odd, since if you are so certain as to how ALL of the issues should be resolved, I would expect you to have looked up the term “Abuse” and understand it in context. The word has a meaning but how it is applied is subjective. The quesiton is, what do you mean by abuse? For example, some people consider a bad argument with shouting abuse. Some people consider spanking a child’s bottom abuse. Some people consider arguing about money to be abuse. Some people would not consider it to be abuse if a… Read more »
Eric – you seem to hold very passionate views, which evidently some of us can’t see clearly. It is a limit of the written word that sometimes it just gets in the way of communication. I’m wondering how your views connect with the best practice in teaching children about self protection to prevent sexual abuse. How do you reconcile the standard of teaching children that “inappropriate touching is wrong, and if the child in not happy or comfortable they should not do it” with overriding that teaching with “Give uncle #### a kiss.”. To the child they can be the… Read more »
“I’m wondering how your views connect with the best practice in teaching children about self protection to prevent sexual abuse.” I’m confident that the experts don’t conflate giving your aunt a hug at Thanksgiving dinner with becoming a victim of child abuse. I’m also confident that experts would agree that supervising children’s activities is consistent with protecting them from predators. That would have prevented Sandusky from abusing those children. Sadly, they probably didn’t’ have enough adult presence in their lives to ensure that. “How do you reconcile the standard of teaching children that “inappropriate touching is wrong, and if the… Read more »
I’m interested that you felt the parents of kids who had sleepovers at your house were being negligent. Didn’t that make your relationship with those parents a bit fraught?
Your use of the word “negligent” is the first time it has been used here. So, clearly, I never said that.
We have good relationships with all the girls friends and their parents.
Unbelievably great post Yashar. God, this was my childhood. I grew up to be so angry and resentful of my parents, and to have trouble establishing comfortable adult boundaries around physical affection. I wish you could send this to my entire family anonymously! “When it comes to acknowledging other people, the most we can expect from children is for them to politely and verbally greet adults. And as far as I’m concerned, anything else, is expecting too much and is patently unfair.” This is so true. I was often shamed and pushed. I worked really hard to raise my daughter… Read more »
The “Forced Affection” game is far worse than Russian Roulette. Forcing Trust is such a dangerous thing and you never know when the gun will go off. I too am very unhappy with Kids being TOLD to be a affectionate – or provide symbolic affection – to adults. Will some people never learn? It seems that such activity is learned behavior from childhood and then just regurgitated and used by the adults the Kids have grown into. We were told and even made to do it as kids, so it’s fine – it’s harmless. Mom, Dad and schools tell Kids… Read more »
MediaHound, bravo. Thank you, thank you. Your story is chilling. I am so sorry for what you went through. The basic premise that children must be taught to trust their own instincts and be in charge of their own bodies–which are not the property of parents or relatives–is so, so important…to prevent abuse, and also, to give children agency in their own lives in ways that help them make healthy choices later as adults. I can’t tell you how much this comment means to me.
Lori – don’t be sorry! I’m Not! P^)
Whilst I wish that many events in my life had never happened, they have allowed me to be the man I am today. There was one person not mentioned – and that was a teacher who gave me the greatest gift I have ever been given and No Hugs or Kisses required. They gave me permission to just be me – to have my own mind, body and feelings! Greatest lesson ever! As far as I can, I just pass the lesson on.
All the best to you, always. 🙂
This is a really brave comment, I can’t imagine what you must have gone through and thank you so much for sharing, your story is devastating but so important.
Terrific comment, MediaHound. If you’re willing, I encourage you to submit it as a stand-alone article. I think it’s a great follow-up to this article, so I’d hate to see it lost in the comment shuffle.
What a personal & important post. Yes, please consider writing about this…
I like this article a great deal. I hated being told to hug or kiss someone, and can recall hiding from certain adults. I think asking kids to shake hands and say hello is plenty polite.