‘I still remember the names of two girls my father identified as pretty in a fifth-grade class picture.’
If you’re trying to be a good dad (and you’re reading this site, so I think you are), you know that your children are sponges. We soak up everything we hear you say, everything we see you do, and many of the things you thought we didn’t notice.
I still remember the names of two girls my father identified as “pretty” in a fifth-grade class picture. My dad taught me a lot of things: how to find the North Star, how to make a perfect grilled cheese sandwich, how to drive in a New England winter. He taught me to value diversity of opinion and honesty of expression, to choose good, smart people to be in my life, to believe that I can do and be anything I want. But from the comment on the class picture 13 years ago? From that, I learned beauty matters.
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Although boys must also navigate the tricky waters of body image and beauty, I will stick to daughters for two reasons. First, I can’t apply any particular expertise to the father-son relationship (being a daughter and all), and second, the consequences for girls when health and beauty get distorted tend to be much more severe (10 times as many women battle eating disorders than men).
No matter how old your daughter is she is receiving messages from every angle that tell her that her primary path to success is being beautiful. Be it Bratz dolls, princess paraphernalia, Miley Cyrus, Gossip Girl, E! Red Carpet specials, Miss America pageants, Sarah Palin, or Lindsay Vonn in Sports Illustrated, women are judged and rated based on their looks. Our intellectual, athletic, artistic, or social successes are inevitably predicated on and qualified by our appearance. Even CBS correspondent Lara Logan, victim of assault while covering the situation in Egypt, is discussed as a “Warzone ‘It Girl’ ” and a “gutsy stunner”—rather than simply “reporter.”
So how is a good dad to avoid adding to the barrage of corrupting messages your daughter receives every day? Start close to home. Think about what she hears from adult women around her. Do her mother, older sisters, or aunts discuss looking fat in front of her? Do they pinch themselves, complain about how they look, or crash diet? Does her grandmother tell her that she needs to watch her figure? Girls’ and women’s bodies are unfortunately considered open to “constructive criticism” from strangers and loved ones alike. I was 11 the first time a saleslady volunteered that I was blessed and cursed with a “bubble butt.”
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But it’s not just women that your daughter hears. It may be her mother that she emulates (or other adult women in her life), but it’s her father’s compliments that she’s looking for. Last week, GMPM columnist Hugo Schwyzer wrote about how simple compliments like “you look pretty!” reinforce a pattern that teaches girls to seek aesthetic approval:
Five-year-olds in princess costumes are cute. But the problem is that the compliments we give as fathers, uncles, and coaches have an impact on the self-esteem of little girls. As they grow up, they realize quickly (certainly by age 8 or 9) that Cinderella costumes won’t cut it anymore.
When the cute costumes don’t work, girls look around to see what women do to get recognition. And what do they find? Fake breasts, tiny clothes, sexy poses. The phoniness of these Barbie-fied images might actually be easier to combat than the more insidious forms of beauty worship. You can talk to your daughter about airbrushing and the difference between magazine pictures and real life. But imagine you’re sitting on the couch watching Wimbledon and your daughter hears you say that Anna Kournikova looks good. Maybe you mean she looks strong, or her serve is on today, or she’s quick off the line, but what your daughter hears is that the tall blonde woman in the mini-skirt “looks good.” If what you meant was that she’s a great tennis player, then say that. If what you meant was that she’s hot, well, save it for your buddies.
The conflation of beauty with other positive qualities, or the lack of it with negative ones, is where the real confusion begins. Make sure the women that you admire out loud, be they politicians, movie stars, musicians, or athletes, are being admired for what they do, not how they look.
The flipside is true as well: Hillary Clinton’s “frumpy” haircut has zero to do with her diplomatic skills, so leave it out of the conversation. This is how you teach your daughter that judging by the cover may be part of our society, and something she will encounter on a daily basis, but it isn’t part of your family’s values.
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My dad will read this article and he will wonder if his comment scarred me (it didn’t) or if I’ve been hanging onto it for years (I haven’t). The truth is, that comment is easily and readily dwarfed by the tens of thousands of positive, confidence-boosting conversations we’ve had. In thinking about how dads talk to their daughters, his comment stands out only because it was such an anomaly. I was at a friend’s house once when she emerged from her room in a new dress and her father, from the couch, shrugged and said, “At least you don’t look fat.” I was blown away, but my friend barely blinked; this was par for course in her home.
That sort of active negativity is easy enough to avoid. What’s more challenging as parents is to train yourself away from commenting on beauty at all, even in what may feel like the most positive and innocuous of ways. The world will tell her everyday that for women, beauty is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and it’s your job to counter that by offering better metrics of success.
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Other Stories From the Good Men Project Magazine:
Men and the Sexualization of Young Girls
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Husband Confronts Abortion Protesters [VIDEO]
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Why Don’t Men Initiate Divorce?
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Red-Hot Monogamy
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Marriage: Just Don’t
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The Prostitute Who Saved My Relationship
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Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
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What Your Marriage Needs to Survive
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—Photo by pipitdapo/Flickr
About Emily Heist Moss
Much debate here, but I want to return to the point of the article on how dad’s talk to their daughters.
I still remember when I first started wearing make-up, my father told me make up was nice, occasionally, but it should be used to enhance natural beauty not to cover things up. To this day that has influenced how I use it.
His phrasing made it clear that i was beautiful without it, and that while beauty was nice, it wasn’t overly important.
Growing up I don’t remember my father commenting on other women’s attractiveness – my mom was clearly the only one for him. It wasn’t until my brothers and i were adults that he allowed himself to hang a hooters calendar in his motorcycle shed.
So, the authors points work. Which i think is where the focus on this piece SHOULD be.
Interesting! rethorical and well written language thought do not leave room to express that there is God almighty who protect and guide us, believer for the right path. For some of you this sound funny or ridiculous but the true is that at the end we always look for God.
Brainwashed by what society believes is the correct definition of beauty, many young girls have difficulties recognizing beauty that doesn’t involve physical appearance. My mom has always told me “Pretty is as pretty does”, and although difficult to understand at such a young age, I have never forgotten her perspective of beauty. As a teenager, I am surrounded by obstacles every day that focus around insignificant topics associated around beauty. Society has made it nearly impossible for young women to consider themselves beautiful based on their personality and self-being, although this is how the word “beauty” was initially intended to be perceived. It is not a crime to consider yourself beautiful, because it takes a lot of confidence to be successful in our society, when everyone goes out of their way to criticize your flaws. As a parent, it is your job to instill confidence within your child, to make them realize that no matter their shape, culture, beliefs or sexual orientation, that they are beautiful. Despite society’s improper view of beauty, your success and happiness will never be based around the size of your waist or the length of your hair.
I have a little boy and I think that this article is just as applicable in the sense that it’s very important to me how my husband and I talk about women around him. I want him to grow up respecting women for their skills, abilities and other personal traits. Of course he’ll be attracted to ladies and notice their physical ‘assets’ but it’s very important to me that he appreciate them as people, coworkers, role models and the like. I hope that through our parenting and our relationship my husband and I are able to lead by example!
I love to see the picture of me and little Liv together with this article as I can sign every word of it with my name. The “princess culture” is a severe problem for girls and I keep trying to protect them from that influence. Unfortunately culture is such that wherever little girls go they experience being rewarded for being “sweet” and not so much for being “smart”. But, being a scientist, I really value their smartness and the motions of their hearts and minds endlessly more than their looks. It is also a matter of shallow vs. deep. But it starts in Kindergarten. Livi (now 4) is the shortest kid in her age group. They let it feel her. Amazingly it was Yoda (who is not quite a Barbie) who lifted her up, saying (I translate from the German version): “Judge me by my size? Is that what you do?”.
Ultimately I hope that in my case the positive memories and influences will also outweigh my weaknesses.
Tell young women the truth about beauty: It’s not all that matters (what’s inside is essential, of course), but it matters a great deal. It affects the opportunities you will get in love and business and life, so it’s wise to do the best with what you have (within reason – weird surgeries are ill-advised). And of course, again, who you are matters enormously.
But, let’s be honest about the truth about beauty mattering for women. Whether it “should” matter won’t change the fact that it does. Women can either accept that beauty matters and make an effort with their looks — or accept the opportunity costs of going ungroomed.
I wrote about this here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201010/the-truth-about-beauty
@Amy Alkon: I do not really agree. Although it certainly is true that looks CAN be an advantage, there will be hardly any professional personnel manager worth his money who falls for the surface alone. And if it comes to private life, friends, partners: who wants friends or life partners who only are there because of our outside appearance? And that counts for men and women alike. And regarding success – it really depends on the definition of success. The type of success presented in the media is highly selective – even from the realms of musicians, artists, scientists, medical doctors, we usually only see those on TV who are in tune with the current beauty paradigm. But – isn’t a head of a medical department also highly successful if she looks average? Was Marie Curie beautiful? Or the woman who for a while was the most powerful woman on the planet when she was chancellor of Germany, president of the EU and host of the G8? Chancellor Merkel is not exactly beautiful. But she is smart. She is a head of state. She has a Physics Ph.D. Ability, diligence, character are what counts. Perhaps my advise would be: if someone is clinically stupid and devoid of any talents but blessed with outstanding physical beauty: do something with that beauty, because it is all you have. For all other girls I suggest: develop your mind, your soul, your talents – use your intelligence, break beyond the limits of Barbies and Dollhouses – go out there. Explore the World. THE UNIVERSE ITSELF IS YOUR PLAYGROUND!
Oh man, I wish this was true. I don’t think half the time men realise they’re doing it, psuccessful personnel manager or no.
My father was emotionally unavailable and a big social drinker. He never held my hand, hugged, kissed, praised, read, or taught me anything except that he didn’t “like” me. I had two long term abusive relationships which began the night of my Jr. Prom with the jerk my friend told me to take. I went on to have three sons in the second relationship whom I raised without the father.
I have been in a relationship now for the last 8 years and we’ve had two daughters. Whole different ball game. My s/o is wonderful but doesn’t “get it” that everything, everything he says and does is soaked up by his daughters. I MUST have him read this asap!!
This was a great article!!
Talk to your daughter about beauty…. and then go back to watching porn??? Something here, just doesn’t sound right.
touche. lets tell our own daughters that looks aren’t all importnant and then do and say everything to the contrary. apparently girls will take someone’s word as truth despite all the OTHER things that they hear and see to form logical conclusions to.
Men should be honest to their daughters and tell them that “The first and only thingt that matter to men are looks. that they are the same way and that mom wouldn’t have been mom if he hadn’t found her hot enough to bother getting to know her well enough to want to marry and have children with.
I think the point is that society, culture and kids their own age will teach them that ‘the only thing that matters to men are looks’. Fathers have the opportunity to teach their girls that they can be respected and loved for who they are as well. The role of a father in establishing this element of self esteem is crucial, and when not evident the effects are poisonous.
One addition: once again I realised that men alone certainly are not the problem. It’s women who bring in the Barbie’s and Dollhouses. Little perfect plastic girls transmitting a whole set of mind bending ideas: that everything is about looks and hairstyle. That fashion is an important aspect of life, that everything circles in an orbit around a “beautiful girl”, and, last but not least, that IT IS OKAY AND NORMAL THAT GIRLS ARE TOYS. My daughters just got a giant dollhouse from their aunt – the thing is more than twice the height of our 2 1/2 year old. Now they sit there with their blonde plastic toy girls playing with that house, their imagination brought down to earth and locked into the 4 walls of a miniture household prison. The center of that house is a canopy bed. To me the “educational” image broadcasted is that the girls’ role is to be beautiful, have children, stay in the house and be available “for play” in that bed. It is so SUFFOCATING. Horror. I want my 3 girls to be free spirits.
Appreciation for this ifmnoration is over 9000-thank you!
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The answer is simple and all of this complicated stuff is so much hot air. The answer is: LOVE AND CHERISH YOUR CHILD’S MOTHER WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART AND ALL OF YOUR SOUL. This includes considering your wife, your child’s mother, to be the most beautiful woman in the world and the only woman in the world who is your muse and attraction. Simply put, love your wife, love the mother of your child. All else continues from there, and have lots of fun with your daughter, because daughters are so delightful!!!
This author is pretty. Pretty smart!
I envy the relationship the author of this article had and has with her father. I’m thirty years old and a part of my brain is still mystified and amazed whenever a female friend talks about her wonderful father.
My father was a constant, negative and abusive force in my life. I was a tomboy and he’d wanted a fragile, precious, beautiful thing to show off to his friends. He talked about me like I wasn’t a woman, called me names and tore me down every day. He left BDSM porn with pages stuck together open on the living room coffee table, and berated my mother to tears in front of my brother and I for not having enough sex with him. He made sexual “jokes” about my friends who visited the house in high school, and compared my body to theirs. He ridiculed my looks and body and followed it up with ‘drama queen’ if I reacted emotionally to his abuse. My mother denied that anything that went on in our home was abnormal and we just lived that way until I left home at 18. I was so brainwashed that I really believed I was just an over-emotional nutjob- I didn’t realize these things were abusive until I was in my 20s.
It’s not a shock that as an adult all of my relationships have been abusive. I’m highly educated but it’s difficult for me to keep a job. I have panic attacks and suffer from severe depression with dissociative episodes; I’ll probably be medicated for the rest of my life. As I’m getting older, I pull back from people more and more. It’s just easier and safer for me to be alone. It’s hard not to wonder sometimes what my life would look like if I’d had a loving, supportive and kind father.
@Kiiki L: I really empathize with your story. It sounds like your childhood was hell instead of the generally protected and caring place it should be. There probably are no perfect parents out there – and there never were – but as you describe it your father missed the target by a couple of lightyears. Probably everyone has negative experiences with their parents, but in your case there apparently only were negative experience. It is pretty common that father’s are a bit distanced or simply worn out from work and not as open and engaging as they should be, but generally my observation is – among the guys I know – that they are caring and protecting and try to be guides for their kids and give support as good as they can. I don’t know how you could “unwash” your brain. I can only tell you that most families are not like yours was.
Amanda, big credit to you for wanting to also raise your son to appreciate girls and women as people and desiring to teach him that while realizing that naturally he will be attracted to some of them as well. I don’t think that men have to object women to be attracted to them. But often in our culture, objectification seems to be the only way a lot of men know how to communicate attraction.
I think this is an important issue to teach to both genders as well. Little boys need to be taught the same message about female beauty that girls do. Unfortuently, we tend to want to teach these messages to women but allow for “boys to be boys” where their father’s might make comments about other women to their sons or encourage pornography use.
This is a vastly complicated issue with responsibility on both sides. Women need to stop being critical of themselves and making negative comments about their bodies infront of their daughters. I remember my Mom doing this to herself. And men need to be more consistant in not only teaching healthy concepts of beauty to their sons and daughters, but practicing themselves and not letting their lust or attraction to women blind them to how to treat women. I remember the many pretty young waitresses that my Dad was flirty with. Those things stick with you. I think I was about 10 when I started to realize how my Dad interacted with other women. And sometimes, it left me feeling sad.
Growing up, and even now, there is no shortage of people that are ready to comment on your body as a woman. I have heard it all. Where each part of my body part as been commented on at times from men and women. Positive and negative. It’s really true that women are always up on the chopping block. And today, we don’t really get much reprive from that. So this message is important to teach to boys and girls alike. Not just girls. And Fathers do need to pay attention how they treat, talk and interact with women infront of both their sons and daugthers and not hold a different set of rules for how they behave with their sons vs their daughters because this is what sets up disconnection and double standards.
@Erin: I’d like to stress that it is not only about looks. Yesterday I watched the movie “Whale Rider” with my daughters, which is about a Maori girl named Paikea Apirana, struggling against tradition to find her way – and her voice. At one point she managed to fix and start an outboard motor, and her grandfather ran up to her, shouting at her “Stop that! Never do that Again! This is dangerous!” I asked my daughters if he would have reacted the same way if she had been a boy. Sophie, 8, laughed and said “No way. He would have said ‘Well done!’ ” So here we have an 8 year old who, I hope, is totally free in this respect (she is a martial artist, climber and swims like a sea lion), but at the same time acutely aware that boys and girls often are treated differently.
The movie by the way ends on a positive tune: there are other Maori men, from the next generation, like the girl’s uncle, who treat girls as equals.
Thanks for adding that Stefan, it was realy interesting. Even at 8, little girls pick up on some much.
Katie Makai with some amazing poetry on “pretty”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
What I can say is,I lost the beauty wars in my house and on one Christmas eve was forced to go find the lastest Barbie doll for our daughter.Which brings me to my point.I think far too much power and responsibility for changing this problem is placed on men. At some point the power of beauty seduces some women.This article fails to address the benefits of beauty in society.I mean young girls see the Kardashians,the Paris Hilton’s, the Beyonce’s,the Angelina Jolie’s and figure dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.When women begin to understand the role they play-wanting easy power and sex and money and popularity- in all of this, maybe there will be change.Maybe when women stop asking to be told-romance anyone?- they beautiful they will be change.Too many times,on this site women have asked/demanded that men fawn over them in order to feel wanted enough to have sex. Over and again one can find that message on this site.At the end of the day it’s,as usual, is a bunch of contradictory advice that as a man one is damned either way.