“The question is: do parents have enough trust in boy development to let them take some risks and make some mistakes?”
Megan Rosker spoke with Dr. Michael Thompson, a psychologist, school consultant, and author. Dr. Thompson is best known by his New York Times best-seller Raising Cain. He is also author of It’s A Boy! and Homesick and Happy, as well as five other books.
What is it about your own development from child to adult that helped you recognize the pivotal necessity of breaking out of the social norm of not recognizing the importance of masculinity?
My life experiences have given me plenty of chances to watch boys grow and develop. As a boy, I attended all-boys’ schools and I am presently the supervising psychologist for the Belmont Hill School, which is also an all-boys’ school. I see the way in which boys behave—and misbehave—every week. For that reason, I am always surprised when I encounter teachers in coed settings who keep hoping that with constant punishment preaching (and lost recesses!) boys will be different, that they will begin to act like girls. They won’t. While there is an enormous range of what it means to be male and female, the average boy is always more physically active, more impulsive, and less mature than girls of the same chronological age. If you want to understand boys, you have to appreciate the differences.
What innate tendencies are being lost as we suppress masculinity in education and in parenting that would naturally allow boys to become healthy, happy fathers and providers for their families?
All over the world, boys play hunt-and-chase games and they wrestle. Many people call this “aggressive” or “violent play,” but I disagree. It isn’t meant to hurt or do harm. Boys are wired for “rough-and-tumble play” and for certain kinds of dominance behaviors; other boys understand that most of that is not bullying.
How would a boy develop a sense of confidence if his education were less structured by the academic community?
A majority of boys seem to learn through experience, not through being told or trying to follow rules. They develop both skills and confidence by recovering from their own mistakes. The question is: do their parents have enough trust in boy development to let them take some risks and make some mistakes?
Originally appeared on Let Children Achieve.
—Photo Pink Sherbet Photography/Flickr
GRUMBLE. I would agree that “rough and tumble” and “adventurous learning” are shunned these days and that’s an issue but this is not necessarily gendered. At the same time that we are being more forgiving of “Masculine” behaviors we need to suppress others (True aggression, valuing ONLY providers, superiority complex and most importantly any inherent assumptions about the role of women. If you think men are supposed to be providers and protectors that means you think women should be meek and shouldn’t want to/ can’t take care of themselves, That’s stupid and regressive.) We also need to encourage girls to… Read more »
It’s funny how these discussions about boys acting out in school never venture into the area of what they are doing after school. If a kid sits around playing video games for 6 hours, than yeah, biology class is going to get a bit boring. How can any school subject compete with GTA?
Kids used to go outside and play and run off all that energy, not anymore.
As someone who works in a boy’s school (and a feminist at that), I think feminism and a “feminised” curriculum has less to do with it than poor policy and public liability, and the fact that all kids are generally more entitled and rude and are getting progressively worse – or at least it is in the particular clientele I work with. I honestly don’t care if the kids want to go on play equipment, or play tackle football, or run around and be loons at lunch time. Lunch time is great, and god knows I need it as much… Read more »
Thanks for this- I agree completely, and with Eric also. I too wish the interview was longer. Men want to be the providers for their families – but they want to be respected for doing it. Young men see the way their fathers and uncles have been treated, and how good men who work hard for their families are too often separated from their children and disenfranchised from any role in the family besides contributing financially with extortionate child support. It isn’t so much that they hate to provide their children with financial support – but that it removes them… Read more »
Annoyed by the generalizations. Girls can be just as rough and tumble too. I know I was. And yes, I did get in trouble for that rough-and-tumble play, so it’s not just boys who get in trouble for it for being boys. If anything, in my experience girls got in more trouble for it because it wasn’t “expected” of us. So I found myself getting in trouble for every little thing, even if it was a pure accident or something I didn’t realize I had done while the boys got off a lot easier for the same. Has anyone ever… Read more »
Amber, first, as nice as it would be otherwise there is ample evidence that we are *all* given certain character traits when we are born. This has been confirmed rigorously through twin and adoption studies. Second, our school system punishes boys for being “rough and tumble” but does not punish girls for being meek. Studies of public schools find that boys are suspended twice as often as girls (10% compared to 4% for whites, 28% compared to 18% for blacks), and suspensions directly affect the ability of a student to go on to college. In one extreme case, 50 percent… Read more »
I agree with Liz McLellan and jameseq as well, people need to be allowed to be people and that means taking into considerations personality traits or needs that do not correspond with the norm. “What innate tendencies are being lost as we suppress masculinity in education and in parenting that would naturally allow boys to become healthy, happy fathers and providers for their families? ” This quote is not taking into consideration differences. Talking about boys as future providers is already making assumptions and ones which are extremely gendered. Not to mention the heteronormativity implied. How could we allow someone… Read more »
I have to agree with the “provider” tag and how it brings in assumptions and stereotypes! It’s not so much about setting goals as setting value judgments – be they explicit or implied. One of my class mates from high school days was inculcated with the “provider” tag, both at school and at home. He spent many years in college, and through his 20’s and 30’s working out how to be “A Provider”. He became very good at it. It got in the way of his life. He worked to provide, He married, had kids and was always lacking something… Read more »
Liz, I have taught in both public and private high schools for the last 20+ years ( Mid-Atlantic) that were quite diverse in terms of class and ethnicity, and I have to say that I saw very little bullying of disabled kids or of kids that had different ways of thinking about their gender. Human nature being the way it is, kids do sort out who is in an unwritten hierarchy based, often separately but sometimes overlapping, on looks, intelligence, and physical ability. Being able to participate in, and deal with this sorting out process, even it it means getting… Read more »
Girls need adventure, play, risk taking and physical challenges too…. We need not to learn just to “follow rules” – but to cut paths for ourselves. It really is not a special case for boys – though yes they do develop at a different pace. All kids need to learn risk taking, handling mistakes and failure and getting up again, team work…. non- of this is gender specific. It’s a shame that’s how it is framed. I don’t think boys or girls are “inherently evil” – but kids ARE brutalizing each other – kids. It is not gender specific. And… Read more »
Good interview Megan, shame it wasnt longer. Masculinity whether found in a male or female body does have, as highlighted in the interview, slightly different needs from Femininity (whether found in a male or female body). It is good this is starting to be addressed in schools, and not just by a return to the old thinking, to the old way of doing things.Where are all boys were to be one way, and all girls were to be another way I would like smart adults to stop acting as if all boys fall to one side of the gender scale… Read more »
Where are all boys= Where all boys
How refreshing! After seemingly dozens of articles and countless of comments stating or implying that boys are inherently evil (e.g. “Guy Code”, “Don’t be Guy”) for acting like boys, it’s nice to hear from someone who understands that not to be the case.
Eric, you would love Michael Thompson’s books, and also those of Leonard Sax, Michael Gurian, to name just a few. Lots great expertise and reading materials and boy advocacy out there. Also check out The Achilles Effect on facebook, a boy advocacy group. There are great blog posts, reading lists for boys, and other resources. There’s lots, lots more than you may think. I spent many years working exclusively with boys and found there is an abundance of resources. Our educational system is failing boys, and there is plenty on that. Try Richard Whitmire, or even, dare I say it,… Read more »
Lori, thanks, but they aren’t telling me anything I don’t know very well. It would just annoy and anger me further that there aren’t any policy or legislative changes even being considered. I know you consider yourself a feminist (at least I think so), but there is absolutely now way the minority but extremely vocal, active, and influential feminist movement would permit any policy or legislation to get through to improve the lives of boys in education or otherwise (e.g. something like Title IX focused on K-16 education). Hell would freeze over first. Everytime I hear “male privilege” and similar… Read more »
Eric, I dis agree with this statement: “I know you consider yourself a feminist (at least I think so), but there is absolutely now way the minority but extremely vocal, active, and influential feminist movement would permit any policy or legislation to get through to improve the lives of boys in education or otherwise (e.g. something like Title IX focused on K-16 education). Hell would freeze over first.” First of all, it is way too sweeping in its generalization, in exactly the way you hate to see seeping negative generalizations of men.And don’t we know that those negative sweeping generalizations… Read more »
Lori, do you know of any feminist organizations that are supporting policy or legislation to improve the lives of specificlly boys in education?
Luckey, I don’t know very much about the legal side of things, but can try to find out for you. It’s a busy day for me as one of my own posts just went up on GMP and I’ve got a lot to do at work today, but seriously, ping me in a day or two if I have not gotten back to you. But the answer might still be I don’t know, because it’s not my area of expertise, but I’ll see what I can find out through colleagues. I’m not sure what legislation is even out there for… Read more »
Luckey, getting back to you after a busy day, and heading out of town in the a.m… Check this out: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-whitmire/us-ignoring-boys_b_952172.html Richard Whitmire is one of the most knowledgeable experts on boys and education (specifically) right now. He writes for Huffington Education, Ed Week, and lots of other places. He is the author of the well-known book “Why Boys Fail” about how they are struggling in school. I don’t have any more time to put into this, but you can find him through HuffPo or Ed Week or his website, contact him, and ask your question. He has generally been… Read more »
Lori, If you read my comments, you will see that I NEVER negatively generalize women. Ever. Women and feminism/sts are certainly not one and the same any more than men and the MRAmovement are one and the same. Note that my statement was about the feminist movement, not you or any individual person. I read your article posted on HuffPost and I agree with it. I only noted that you consider yourself a feminist so that you would not take the subsequent statements personally. They were not meant to be. However, there is simply no evidence that the feminism (as a… Read more »
Well said Eric M. While it’s well known in some circles(though not P,C.) that youngBlack Men have been societys’ “throw aways”, it seems that in some perverse sence of “equality”, young white males are joining that grouping. Thier growing despair is evedent in the fact that 80% of all sucicides are in fact white males. Our public education system (female dominated) keeps telling our young men that there is something wrong with them for being , young MEN. Why O why can’t they behave like young girls? I am a father of three young women who did fine in public… Read more »
Well said, Eric.
Megan, thank you for this. I am a huge fan of Michael Thompson, having spent seven wonderful years as admissions director at The Fenn School in Concord, MA. Thompson spoke at Fenn several times, and I also had the pleasure of hearing him speak at the International Boys School Coalition and at NAIS. We need more focus on boys in this country and especially on how to make our educational system work for them. Nice post.