David Perry is glad there is attention drawn to the bullying of children with special needs. But he wonders how effective bullying the bullies really is.
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Not long after our son Nico was born and diagnosed with Down Syndrome, we began sharing the news with our community of friends and family. Frequently, people found a way to express their concerns by talking about bullying. I’ve spent years thinking about why that is, how the mental space occupied in people’s minds by “Down Syndrome”—bullying.
It’s a real problem and one I worry about too, though I worry more about Nico’s ability to talk, his health, what happens when he turns 21, what happens when I die. Bullying isn’t anywhere near the top of my list of concerns, but it is at least on the list.
In many ways, the child with special needs exists as a passive bullied-object in the American imagination, and this raises important questions about agency and representation of the disabled in our culture. Moreover, the big questions about bullying are important—how do you stop kids from bullying? Why do kids bully?
How do you teach them empathy?
It is with this broader context in mind that I read a story of a father and a six-year-old son in Central, LA. My son Nico is also 6. He could be this boy’s classmate.
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The story, as reported by local news, describes a father who decided to teach his son not to bully kids with special needs. Unfortunately, he decided to do this by bullying him.
One Central father used a little public humiliation to teach his son an important lesson over the weekend.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeTim Bandy and his son Alliance spent an hour of their day Sunday in front of Central High School in an attempt to teach the six year-old a very important lesson.
“I drew a sign up, front and back, and stood him on the side of the road in Central where he goes to school. The sign read ‘I will not bully or pick on kids with special needs.’ And he stood out there for about an hour,” explained Bandy of the interesting punishment.
Bandy expanded on the punishment:
“Quit being a follower, be a leader. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. Make your own decisions, because if you follow everybody else it’s going to get you nowhere. And like I told him, ‘where’s all your friends at that were doing the same thing? They’re at home playing, church, whatever they do on Sunday, and you’re here standing on the side of the road looking like a fool,” added Bandy.
Bandy agreed that some parents may find his method a little extreme, but he cautioned them to not knock it until you try it.
“What’s more extreme? Doing that? They get in trouble, whoop him? Taking all of his stuff away? I mean, it’s an hour of his time. It doesn’t hurt him. It might hurt his feelings, but I am still alive, I’ve had my feelings hurt quite a bit,” said Bandy.
I know the father meant well. He wants to be an ally in efforts against bullying. He wants to protect my son. I’m glad he thinks his son’s bullying is important enough to require this kind of punishment. It might even be effective in changing behavior. I always wonder what I would say to a parent whose child bullied my son, or, for that matter, my daughter. I’m sadly likely to find out someday.
But think about what the son ends up learning. He learns that his father can humiliate him publicly. He learns that children with special needs are to be protected—they are vulnerable and weak. Does this shift his understanding of disability? Does he learn to see people with special needs as people, as whole people, with whom he can engage and form relationships? Does anything change other than the boy being afraid of future humiliations? I don’t think so.
In fact, I think the boy is most likely to learn that when someone weaker does something wrong, you can force them into humiliation in order to teach them a lesson. At least, that’s what his dad has done to him.
And I can’t help but dig into the father’s quote: His three strategies are: Take away his things, humiliate him, or “whoop” him. These are effective strategies to punish children. Sometimes I take things away from my kids when those things are enabling mis-behavior, but I know it’s never my best parental strategy. When I am at my best as a father, I create positive rewards which they have to earn through good behavior; ideally, the rewards are directly linked to the behavior, but just a star system (do good things, get stars, trade stars for dessert/TV) can work wonders.
At the core, this father is trying to make his son feel as bad as the kids he bullied: This is about empathy. Teaching empathy is hard. There may be no more important job for a parent or caregiver. But this kind of punishment is a poor way to achieve that goal.
Ultimately, I don’t think you can teach empathy to children through shared suffering, at least not as effectively as through shared joy.
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Originally posted at: How Did We Get Into This Mess?
I happen to agree with what his dad did, David. Notwithstanding all the fears etc of bad treatment is no treatment. This culture is obsessed with cool, and acceptance by other assholes. So telling your kid he or she is an asshole early on is probably the right thing to do. BTW. I think down’s kids are some of the sweetest people on the planet and I sincerely wish we could emulate them more regularly. They actually inspire me to be a better person. But the fact remains. Let this little asshole get by with this and he just becomes… Read more »
I’m of the mind that the punishment of humiliation is sound if it’s followed by communication. Bullying is serious and disturbing, but let the kid know exactly what you mean for him to learn in his humiliation, that the feeling he has being singled out and humiliated is how someone feels when they’re bullied. I wonder if maybe the father could have joined him with a sign that indicated his failure as a parent…that might be too much, if the kid feels responsible for his father’s humiliation, though. But hmmm…..
I still believe in shared joy rather than shared suffering as the path to true empathy. That said, I’m amused by the notion of the dad also holding a sign.
This past Friday, at Westlake High School, which is in a suburb of Cleveland, the senior class voted for a couple with Down Syndrome to be Homecoming King & Queen. I have been a part of this community for the past two years and can say this is an outstanding community of parents, teachers and kids. The story of choosing this boy and girl to represent their school is a testament to a commitment from everyone to embrace differences and find the beauty each individual offers. I am attaching a link to the story, or you can do your own… Read more »
Good story! I’ve been following this one. It’s great to see communities declare, publicly, that they are inclusive.
Great post. I am sure this dad meant well, as most parents do, but I don’t think he chose a way that teaches a child that bullying is wrong. I think he jus taught him a new method. Maybe it won’t manifest itself now, but later down the track when his son is a parent or a spouse. Someone close to me was bullied as a child/adolescent. He was TAUGHT to bully back by his own parents (who also meant well). It was supposed to make him strong, but it only made him abusive when things (or people) did not… Read more »
This is my thinking too.
But is he not teaching him empathy by showing him what it means to be singled out and humiliated? He’s showing him how it feels… I hate to say it, but most boys I have ever known don’t understand empathy until the situation happens to them.
Empathy can emerge from shared suffering, but it is a kind of empathy based on fear and pain.
Has he even been humiliated? That assumes that at least to some degree bullying is unacceptable to his classmates or at least the ones who matter to him. It could more less ha ha you’re a bully and more ha ha you were caught.
That’s hard to say. The implication is that yes, he’s been humiliated, and now he knows what it feels like to be bullied, so now he won’t be a bully. I’m engaging with that assumption. It’s true the assumption could be wrong.
Great essay. I think we need more people to understand how fundamental empathy is to all aspects of life.
Thank you.