Dad goes Andy Rooney on woman who praised his parenting
So this woman sees a man saddled with a one- and three-year-old disinfecting his shopping cart at Target. She calls him a good dad, the dad says thanks, but internally he’s seething.
“I absolutely hate it when strangers call me a ‘good dad,’” Matt Villano wrote in “Motherlode”, The New York Times parenting blog.
With no context — and no real basis for interpretation — the act of labeling someone a “good dad” suggests that most dads are, by our very nature as fathers, somehow less than “good.” That we don’t care. That we’re mostly cruel.
What’s more, the phrase evinces a heinous double standard: It’s not like strangers compliment women as being “good moms” for doting, loving and doing normal mom stuff.
You know what they say about opinions.
When I used to do a similar routine at Costco, one strapped to my chest, one in the seat, women—on three separate occasions—complimented my bravery. Part of me wondered if it was a veiled criticism, like why are you taking these two kids under two out in the winter, have you no sense? So many times in parenting have I felt like I’ve had no sense. My defensiveness was tempered by the fact that I was doing what had to be done. It didn’t strike me as difficult, but if they thought so and admired it in comparison to themselves, then sure, thanks. Their empathy made me feel better, because my kids weren’t going to tell me I was doing a good job. And parenting toddlers, or pre-speakers, can be damn lonely.
Mr. Villano deduces that praising a father is condescending and a double standard. I’ve called moms “good” before, though never to a stranger in public. I think our sensitive dad might’ve mistaken her comment for a generalization, when in fact she most likely saw a person taking care of his/her children in the best way he/she knows how. While that might not be worthy of open compliments, it is worthy of admiration. Witnessing effective parenting (wiping carts is not an example—considering your children’s health, safety, and environment is) affirms our species, and in light of so much evidence to the contrary, a little positive support to the human side is not a bad thing.
No doubt that parenting clichés are annoying, especially the presumption of universality: since I’m a parent, and you’re a parent, then my experience will mirror your experience. Still, it takes a community. Parenting praise can be rare affirmation that in the lifelong learning experiment that is parenting, you’re getting something right.
Mr. Villano makes some interesting points—“[it] comes across as condescending commentary on fatherhood” and some not good points, like calling it the same thing as calling President Obama “an eloquent black man” (not even the same sport, let alone ballpark). He urges people to keep comments to themselves, which I agree with. Still, to take a compliment as a criticism says far more about the receiver than the giver. The most honest part of his rant is the temporality of it all, and how he’d just gotten done spraying his kid down with the kitchen hose for not listening. Now that is funny. I’d compliment Mr. Villano for being a good writer, but I wouldn’t want to offend him.
What do you think? What are some of the most annoying comments you’ve ever gotten from strangers about parenting?
—Photo Zion Fiction/Flickr
About 20 years, doing a co-counseling workshop, one of the men in the group had a couple young kids; he and their mother had divorced but he’d stayed in the area to be part of his kids’ lives. I was astonished: when my father divorced my mom, he’d left all of us – moved 2000 miles away, and this was back when there was no email and long-distance phone calls were expensive, so contact was pretty minimal. I might have called this guy a “good dad”, but more likely I probably wished he’d been *my* dad, who’d put his kids… Read more »
As a mom, I occasionally have been the recipient of such a compliment, and I occasionally dish it out – both to moms and dads I don’t know (and more generously to moms and dads I do know.) Personally, I don’t mind one bit if someone compliments my parenting. In fact, it comes as a bit of a relief. “Really? Me? You think so?” Parenting is a tough job. We’re certainly not going to hear props from our children and honestly, do any of us really know what we’re doing? As a generalized whole, aren’t we just trying to do… Read more »
Agreed, Artilay. I usually add “want a scone?” to my thank yous.
My wife travels sometimes for work and usually goes away in a different city for a week at a time, leaving me to care for our daughter(4) and son(2). On a Friday before the weekend my wife was to leave for a trip the following Monday – Friday, a woman who we work with that knows her came up to me in a local pizza place while we waited on line to pick up our lunch. She knew I was going to be taking care of the kids all next week so she said, “It looks like you’re going to… Read more »
Agreed, Jon D. Glad you had the opportunity to correct her misperception. I used to meet up with a dads playgroup every Thursday, and any time during the school year when we met at a playground or a museum, a woman would say, “I didn’t know it was a holiday.” A lot of opportunity to have fun with such ignorance.
It could be on the receiver’s end, but you can consider that there is possibly some bias/prejudice coming from the person commenting. I’m a stay at home father, and I can’t tell you how many “dad just out with the kids” or “taking them off mom’s hands” comments I’ve gotten. Hearing it over and over again can make a man raw and prepared for rebuttal, even if it is internal. However, people generally, I find, aren’t that concerned with Dad’s plight. Most of the time, it seems they just want to be heard.
I don’t have kids, but friends have told me that they have received many rude/judgmental/condescending remarks frim strangers about their pregnancies, parenting, how their kids are dressed, you name it. IDK, people who mean well can be obnoxious. Or sometimes they don’t mean well. Even as a single person, I’ve occasionally received weird remarks from strangers, like someone telling me to “smile” — which seems positive but always feels intrusive and condescending somehow. Maybe it’d be better if strangers just avoided talking to each other, period? But then what kind of a society do we have? I’ve stopped complimenting women… Read more »
“…a friend told me that it makes her paranoid when strangers (even other women) notice her baby or kids…”
Sarah, what is the intended meaning of “even other women?”
What I meant was, most people probably assume that mothers are paranoid about men, but I’ve found that they are also paranoid about women as well, or some are.
From your comment I assume you may have taken offense at the idea that “of course mothers fear strange men” but I’m not implying whether it is right for them to feel that way or not. Just that it is common.
“like someone telling me to “smile” — which seems positive but always feels intrusive and condescending somehow.”
One of THE most annoying things to hear. UGH.
I’m with you. Especially if that woman were older. Maybe she was a young parent when being a dad in public was a rare thing. Maybe she wished her husband would help more, before it was explained to her men didn’t do that. There are a lot of issues here, like changing roles, and division of labor, and equality — but finding offense when someone gives you a compliment seems more like the guy was looking for blog fodder rather than an actual issue.
Blog fodder indeed. And I propagate! Though this parenting thing is pretty damn interesting…
I thought when he made the connection to calling Obama “eloquent” that he nailed it, actually. The difference may lie in context, and that is why when a stranger tells you you’re “brave” for living your life, it’s offensive because it presumes that what is unexpected (to the commenter) takes moral courage to achieve. There are plenty of times and places when it’s appropriate for one person to tell another, who happens to be Black, that they are an eloquent speaker. We must presume that any candidate for the U.S. Presidency is an eloquent speaker, so when it’s spoken in… Read more »
I got this all the time when my littles were truly little and what I couldn’t stand also was how thin was the razor’s edge from unwelcome fawning praise to sneers and outright unsolicited intervention. Example: Walking my baby (completely bundled up) strapped to the front of me to the grocery store in colder weather under my coat so we can get food because that was the only way to get to the store to get food elicited ridiculous praise from the cashier. Five minutes later walking home, it starts to rain (I am prepared with an umbrella) and a… Read more »
I hear you, Bob: that “how can you do this” line would’ve elicited some major puddle stomping, especially considering the hypocrisy of it. What chafes us all, it sounds like, is “outright unsolicited intervention.” That’s true in every walk of life but it seems like in parenting, strangers feel justified to judge.
On November 11, 2005, my brother Thomas Charles “T.C.) Armstrong, Sr. was beaten for over 2 hours by 43 officers from the Denver and Aurora Police Departments without committing a crime. He was placed in a body bag alive for over 5 hours and in the morgue on ice with a John Doe toe-tag praying to Jesus for his family to come and find him, and awaiting his official murder to be triumphed by the Father. Suddenly, his longtime woman and now mother of two children seen a crime scene and said a “Voice” told her to go check and… Read more »