We’re not all winners: Kathy Wilson shares tips on how to prepare a child’s self-esteem for adult life.
____
As winter approaches, schools all around Australia are preparing for their athletics carnivals.
Cardboard boxes of place ribbons are arriving at schools.
But there aren’t just ribbons for 1st, 2nd and 3rd. places.
There are also ribbons bearing messages like “I’m a winner because I finished.” The ones that are given to everyone whether the cross the line first, last or right in the middle.
“Why?” Because we want all kids to feel like they are fabulous regardless of whether they can run fast or jump high. We tell our kids they are awesome and amazing and deserving of prizes just for being there.
But is our desire to make sure all kids feel like a winner actually weakening them?
Is the “You are awesome” message turning them into narcissists who can’t cope in the real world when they leave the protective bubble of childhood. Does this leave them prone to depression and less likely to be able to develop happy relationships?
“Absolutely yes”, according to a leading researcher on narcissism and youth mental health.
Professor Jean Tinge, author of several books including The Narcissism Epidemic and Generation Me was in Sydney recently as part of the “Happiness and its Causes Conference”.
Jean has spent many years studying “Generation Me” as she calls them and her research shows that while Generation Me feel more entitled and have much higher self esteem than the generations before them, it is not making them happier.
In fact it is making them more miserable.
It seems that kids who have spent their whole lives being told they are special and fabulous are having a very tough time when they get out into the real world and discover that maybe they are not.
Here’s how she explains it.
“We live in a time when high self-esteem is encouraged from childhood, when young people have more freedom and independence than ever, but also far more depression, anxiety, cynicism and loneliness. More than any other generation in history, these children are disappointed by what they find when they arrive at adulthood.”
And even more interesting is that there is a strong argument that maybe even the kids don’t want this approach.
Roy Baumeister (another speaker at the conference) suggests that some of the most hugely popular video games offer the exact opposite of the “you’re awesome” message. Many of these games require players to fail over and over again. Players must endure thousands of virtual deaths to succeed at these games and yet somehow they retain enough self-esteem to keep trying.
“While parents and educators have been promoting the “everybody-gets-a-trophy” philosophy, children have been seeking games with more demanding standards. Players need to fight off Ork after Ork; they need patience to mine for virtual gold; they need thriftiness to save up for a new sword or helmet. They don’t get credits for just being there, credits only come with work and success.”
Both Jean and Roy believe that maybe we could be taking lessons from the techniques these game use.
Maybe instead of the ‘You are awesome” message, we could try setting clear and attainable goals and then offering encouragement. We can also help them understand that there are prizes in real life and that if they don’t always win those prizes they need to keep trying, or even try something different.
We all want our kids to enter adulthood full of confidence and able to make their way in the world. But maybe the best way to do that is to ditch the participation ribbons and help them realise that being extraordinary is not a birthright, but something earned by hard work and determination.
You can see the full interview here:
About Kathy Wilson
Kathy Wilson is actually quite good at some things, sadly just not meditation — yet. Those things include writing novels, doing Bilbo Baggins impersonations and running into every underwater obstruction possible while white water canoeing. The bruises are fading….. She lives in Brisbane with her husband, 3 kids and her chocolate labrador who is calm enough for the whole family. Kathy now runs a meditation website called www.mydiamonddays.com which sends people daily 10-minute guided meditations.
This article originally appeared on Mamamia.
Photo credit: Dave Shea/flickr
Generation Me….wasn’t it what baby boomers were calling Generation X’ers in the 1990? Or was it not what the Greatest Generation was calling the Baby Boomers in the 1960s? Anywhoo, GET OFF MY LAWN! Seriously, do not confuse “thinking you are unique” with “thinking you are superior”. Everyone is unique, even if just by DNA. Nobody has the same personality, nobody reacts the same way to anything. Is anyone superior to anyone else, though? NO. Everyone has flaws, they are just different from person to person. Not everyone is entitled to being a celebrity, not everyone will end up in… Read more »
Why not eliminate second and third place medals? Or silver and bronze as well?
About Mamamia
Mamamia.com.au is one of Australia’s most popular websites for females under 40, discussing the latest trends, issues and what everyone’s buzzing about.
Call me confused …. excuse me while I check the name of THIS site.
Yep Mamamia is unquestionable feminist and Misandrist. Infact they where slammed by the biggest morning TV show (Sunrise) in the country for their censorship, misandry and cowardly approach to journalism. Story here – http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/sunrise-host-david-koch-blows-up-over-demeaning-mamamia-post/story-e6frfmyi-1226807913187 Having said that I do agree with the premise of this article. In my final years of school I noticed a change. Gone was the achieve objective=reward, and perspective of an individuals actual position in the world to this message to the word ‘You are the most important person.’ I kid you not. I can’t remember which teachers or which classes (it may have been a… Read more »
Btw. My mom let me know from an early age that I’d better get over myself, I’m not all that wonderful to the world. She pushed me to be the best I could at something and never made me continue something I really stunk at and had no interest in. But when I said I wanted to do something she never let me quit until I had thoroughly experienced that which I said I wanted. And when my interest level in that stopped I had to explain why before she’d let me move on. She taught me how to reason… Read more »
Here is one other point about telling your kids all of them are awesome. They actually hear this from every other parent, and conclude quickly that they all can’t be awesome. They then know you’re really lying to them and if you lie to them about something as simple as this, then what else are you lying to them about, and they learn equally quick to not trust you at all.