Jill Robbins is the spouse who goes off to work from her home every day. Here is the confession of her pent up feelings about that fact — and the scene she observed that melted resentment away.
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My husband is a stay at home dad. This is a new and probably temporary dynamic for us. He recently retired from the military and he’s taking a break before entering the civilian work force. He takes care of things on the home front while I work full time and freelance part time.
Like everything else in life, being the one who gets up and goes off to work every day comes with highs and lows. If we’re talking counting blessings, my family has plenty, so when I complain about my job or being the breadwinner, I feel a little guilty. I know I am lucky to have a job…many don’t. We’re fortunate not to struggle financially…I know some families worry about how they’re going to buy groceries.
But I still have my moments of bitterness when the alarm goes off…like every weekday morning.
Sometimes, life gives us little moments that helps shift our perspective. The view from a crack in my bathroom door this morning was one of those little moments.
I get up with the chickens to write in my journal or on my blog (we don’t actually have chickens, but I get up early… you get the idea.) I like the sound of nothing while I take those first few precious slurps from my favorite coffee mug. I have three kids so my house is always loud. Really loud. Having this time to be alone with my thoughts and my words is what centers me and makes me feel human.
At six-thirty this morning I downed that last bit of coffee and snapped my laptop shut with a sigh. I felt heavy and deflated because it was time to get ready for the job that feeds my family but doesn’t nourish my soul the way writing does. I tiptoed past my still-sleeping husband, trying not to be bitter because he gets to stay in his pajamas and I don’t.
I went through my morning routine. My attitude was just a little more sour than usual. I guess it’s just one of those days, I thought. I showered, dressed and plugged in my blow dryer. I usually enjoy the ritual of running my brush through my hair, feeling the warm air on my scalp. A nice looking head of hair usually puts me in a good mood, but on this day, even the small, simple things that normally make me happy weren’t lifting my pissy mood. I could feel myself embracing a full-on bad attitude. I knew I should at least try to snap out of it.
I switched off the hairdryer and heard the giggles. No matter what kind of mood I’m in the laughter of my two preschoolers brings smiles. Their laughter is infectious. I wish I could bottle it and sell it as a cure-all for crappy moods. Then, I’d be a wealthy woman and could wear my pajamas all day, too.
I peeked through a crack in the door that separates our bathroom from the bedroom and I saw my sons piled in with my husband. They were tucked on either side of him and the business at hand was blowing raspberries on their father’s forearm. The kids were laughing their heads off and I could see my husband’s ear-to-ear grin illuminated by the dim sliver of bathroom light.
While I was occupied with the business of mental complaining, my boys and my husband were occupied with the business of making memories. When they are teenagers they might remember this morning as a simple time when their dad took time to be silly with them. All too soon they’ll be too old for snuggles. When that time comes, my husband might replay this memory. I know it’s forever stored in my mental photo album.
My husband is the best dad in the world. I know that probably sounds totally cliché but he didn’t become a father until he was almost 50. There were probably lots of times he didn’t think “daddy” would ever be a word that applied to him. It’s nothing short of amazing to see him embrace his role as a father at midlife…and yeah, I know the word “amazing” is a little cliché, too, but it’s really the only word that fits.
The view from the crack in my bathroom door today showed the father-son bond in full bloom. It melted my bitterness and dimmed the heaviness I felt at the prospect of heading off to work. This stay at home dad interlude is allowing time for things that will be remembered for years to come.
This season of our life is about things that will matter most in the long run. Important things like blowing raspberries in the morning.
Photo: Flickr/JSapfoto
Read more Jill Robbins on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. Keep up with Jill on Facebook and Twitter.
I loved your transparency in this article. Sometimes we focus on all the things others get to do when we are not happy with what we are doing. I also love that the moment came that you could reflect on your own personal thoughts. I am sure the transition from the military life to civilian life is and was a huge adjustment. I use to be engaged to a retired Marine Officer/Pilot. He retired a few months before we started dating and he had a hard time adjusting to the civilian world. Their military world is built upon total order.… Read more »
thanks for this article, appreciate the honesty. and good for you for expressing it rather than letting it eat at you! i was the primary breadwinner for our family for 7 years with kids and i found it so challenging. i can so relate to what you’ve said. both the frustration and the appreciation for the bond between father and children. i found it too hard/much being the primary breadwinner and also being the one who did most of hte parenting/cooking/cleaning… and we are now separated… i do think that being the one earning money is a drag when the… Read more »
Excellent Article Jill,
I was a stay at home dad while my ex-wife worked outside the home because I am self-employed & I work from home. I am now a single parent dad & my primary focus is doing all that I can to make those good memories that will last a lifetime. Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂
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I appreciate men being able to stay at home with the kids. I remember the many time I would leave for work, while it was still dark and see my kids snug in their bed, my wife all comfortable in her warm blanket as I tracked off to work.
Beautiful. Great perspective.
Yes, it sucks being the one that has to work. I wish more people would take that into account when they complain about breadwinners being mostly men.
Interesting
Agreed. Usually when its a stay at home mom and a dad that works outside the home the dad’s experience is drawn up as if it were some wonderland of merriment and cheer where he does nothing but pleasurable things and had nary a complaint while the mom toils away at home doing all the real work.
Don’t believe the hype.