Jon Vaughn was secretly hoping he wouldn’t have to deal with the first time his daughter got her period. Here’s how a single dad dealt with it.
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Aunt Flow. Crimson Tide. Red Sea. The Rag. TOM (time of the month).
You can give it any name you want; there are plenty of them. It’s inevitable. It’s going to happen. You might not want to think about it but it doesn’t make it go away. You can prepare all you want but you’ll never know when or where this event will take place. If you have a daughter, she is going to start menstruating one day; the inaugural event I’ve secretly wished for my daughters to miraculously be with their mothers during this time. Well, it didn’t happen that way.
I can see the headline now: Dad Takes Daughter to Urgent Care for Cramps. And that’s exactly what I did. She’s complained about stomach problems in the past, but typically after eating junk food, washed down by more junk food, and has decided junk food for dessert is a swell idea. She was lying flat on her back on the couch, it was early Saturday morning and she was crying. This time was different; the pain was different; her cries were different. She needed me.
From the couch to the car to urgent care, I carried her, all 82.2 pounds of her. We were able to see the doctor pretty quickly and he quickly ordered a urinalysis and x-ray after giving her some pain meds. After the test and x-ray came back, he ordered blood-work as a precaution, but determined that it appeared she was simply having really bad cramps, the beginning of a young girl about to start menstruation. Any type of pain sucks, but what really sucks is new pain; pain you’re unfamiliar with. It’s harder to manage, and it’s very difficult for me, a dad, to relate to this specific kind.
Gen looked up at me after the doctor left the room and said, “Dad,” with her hand making a circular motion above her pelvis, “is he going to check any of my business down here?” I responded, “I don’t know Kiddo, but doctors will do everything they need to make sure you’re okay. Sometimes we have to let them get all up in our business. Trust me, they’ve seen worse.” She laughed, and quickly realized laughing is too painful. Olive chimes in with her two cents, “Well my tummy hurt one time really bad but I didn’t cry,” which made us both laugh; the little turd.
After a needle poke and blood into a few vials, we were released and on our way home. The words we were about to share, both in humor and in all seriousness, were impossible to script. I felt like a mom from her candid words, things that I know some dads might cringe at, but in my heart, I was having a party inside. This was the moment I’ve been waiting for. Not the moment of getting her period, hell no, I want both of my daughters to stay little forever. It was the moment that my fear was replaced with confidence in our ability to communicate as she gets older. All those times I’ve told her, “You can tell me anything,” was happening right now, live.
As she lay down on her bed and I went in to check on her. She complained about mild cramping, but it seemed to be going away. I asked her, “Do we need to go get some tampons,” and she responded, almost with a little excitement, “Yes, and my mom told me what brand to get!” I walked into the living room and I was thinking if I should Google “World’s Smallest Tampon,” but started thinking I was going to have to show her how to do something I’ve never done before; something with zero years of experience. I’ve always said that there is a particular joy in parenting by not knowing and learning along the way but this was not a joyful moment. Then, out of nowhere, the epiphany. The father knows best thought and feeling caused me to march back to her room asking, “Why don’t we start with pads first, Kiddo? I’m not sure you want to be sticking anything up there anytime soon. I might be wrong, but you should check with your mom.” She said, “Okay,” immediately calling but got voicemail so she left a message to call back.
When we were in the car, heading to grab a bite to eat, her mom calls back. The only words I heard from Gen were, “That’s exactly what my dad said,” and suddenly the biggest fist-pump ran through my body like I had just won gold at the Olympics. I wanted to shout, “Woo hoo!” After she hung up, we decided to detour ourselves to Rite-Aid, and though I joked with her for a bit, asking her if she had any money to purchase her items, I handed her a $20 and asked her, “Do you want me to go with you,” and she said, “Nah, I got this Dad.”
There was so much more to this weekend than I could have ever imagined. The realization that my little girl is beginning her journey of transition into a woman is mind-boggling. It seems like only yesterday she was saying, while standing on a stool in front of the toilet, “I want to pee like Daddy.” Being able to experience this with my daughter was perfect, and it reassured me that though she might not tell me everything, I know that she knows she can tell me anything.
Lastly, I cannot ignore the confidence Genesis has in being female. Probably one of the most beautiful things a woman can have, in my mind, is confidence. Not the type of confidence that causes one to snap their fingers three times in a Z-shape with their hand on their hip, but the type of confidence where it’s impossible for shame or embarrassment to exist. It simply can’t. Olive got to experience the ride as well and that kid doesn’t forget anything. The best part about it all is the fact that she gave me permission to share this with you. I would have never written or shared this without it. That’s the best measure of self-confidence I’ve witnessed in her yet. Period.
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Originally published on FullTimeDaddy.com
And you posted picture of it on the internet. You are a terrible father.
You’re right Atypical. Just terrible.
Are these the actual pics of your daughter, Jon? Did she want you to do this? Did you ask her permission?
Yes, yes and yes.
She knows that I write. She is aware of the pictures being used. I felt that our experience could help dads. She felt the experience could help young girls. So I wrote.
We share a very special relationship. It seems there is a sense I’ve disrespected her by talking about this, or using her photo. It reassures me that we have something that special.
Thanks for the sincere questions.
Your daughter is fantastic for being willing to do her part in sharing something that personal. Also, I hope she has an easier time with cramps when she gets older! And, if it’s any consolation, I’m 30, have a kid, and still am leery of using tampons. They’re not for everyone. 😉
Thanks LiaM.
When I picked up my daughter this morning she had an opportunity to read it finally. Her words: Perfect. Very proud dad here. And thanks for the advice. I’m sure she’ll figure out what works best for her. Have a great weekend.
Don’t get the big deal. Talk about it from about age 7 on…….don’t make it ugly, fearful or scary. Be open that it can be uncomfortable/occasional painful for some. It’s just another waypoint on the way to adulthood, maybe allow that as it is a right of passage there are positive changes that accrue with it, age/maturity type privileges made it a positive in my daughters eyes. As a SAHD I was the first person my eldest told about it……we had a nice easy conversation…..she explained what the change meant / felt like to her and as it was a… Read more »
Trey1963,
That’s cool that your oldest came to you came to you first to talk to you. Our experience was really that we didn’t know what was going on, and her pain was definitely abnormal, and we found this out together. It was a great experience for the both of us, and a huge opened door to the communication you talk about. So yea, it was a pretty big deal.
Thanks for reading! – Jon
Making too much out of it adds to the fear/mystery. The idea that a DAD dealing with this is a big deal is a problem…….it should just be part of good parenting. Dads can parent just as well as moms do, considering it special cause it’s dad doing it is sexist. Not that different people don’t have varying abilities in how and how well they parent.
Here is a great list of resources for girls starting their periods: http://www.amightygirl.com/blog/?p=3281
Hi Sean You should talk with your daughter about this BEFORE it happens. Simply tell her that it will happen , it can happen soon or it can takes years before it happens. Nobody knows when. And why not already buy in pads to have them ready and show her where you keep it. And tell her how often to change it and where, to dispose of pads afterwards. That is all. You do not need to give long explanations and details. It is not scary. It does not hurt. I started my period 10 years old. Nobody had told… Read more »
Jon, this was fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing (and thanks to your daughter as well!) My sister and I were raised by a single dad and he handled both the beginning of our periods and buying bras (and many other “girl” things) with a grace and calm that amazes me to this day…However, I imagine, after reading this, that he was not clam on the inside at all! So thank you for giving me a glimpse of what it means to be a single dad with daughters from the inside out!
Glad you liked it Kathryn. It’s such a great experience to be a dad. That’s really cool about your dad. Sounds like an awesome guy. We dads will do just about anything, unless there is a mom around that can handle it. 😉 Thanks for reading. – Jon
Rest assured that all feminine hygiene products come with instructions that are, generally, not too difficult to understand. A demonstration likely isn’t necessary – let her read the instructions and try it herself first, and only ask for help if she’s confused. While it’s uncomfortable, sure, she can’t really hurt herself trying. And since every woman’s “business” is shaped, sized and positioned a little differently, she’ll have to learn through trial and error which methods and products best match her body.
Thanks for reading KKZ.
Thanks for sharing this. My daughter is 10 and I am secretly, quite irrationally, I’m sure, dreading having this happen on my watch! Not only will it mean my little girl is growing up, but I have no idea what to say or how to say it when the time comes. She’s in a phase where she is reluctant to talk to me about anything and something like this seems like an abyss that she’ll want to fall into alone, or at least without me. Reading your story gives me some confidence of my own that I can handle it… Read more »
Hi Sean. Glad you got a little confidence built out of that. My daughter has gone through the “reluctant to talk to me” phases at times. Just try not to let those phases last too long. Take care, and thank you for reading. -Jon