Tor Constantino looks at how dads can help daughters value their true inner beauty, not fleeting outward looks.
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The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.
~Francis Bacon—philosopherI love the confidence that makeup gives me.
~Tyra Banks—international super model
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The two quotes above capture the spectrum of physical, human beauty.
The first quote alludes to a beauty that transcends mere physical features and expression, while the second implies a beauty that relies on an external facade to build up internal attributes.
The first is true beauty, the second is false. The first is inspiring, the second is actually quite sad.
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While we see and recognize the enduring beauty of a panoramic sunset, the rolling surf or a majestic mountain—those constant standards of nature don’t necessarily translate to humans.
Ironically, the only certainty of physical beauty is that it is subjective—not everyone agrees on a single, enduring standard of physical beauty.
What was once beautiful by societal standards simply falls out of vogue over time and becomes boring.
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During the 16th Century, artist Peter Paul Rubens was fond of painting more full-figured female forms, which were the standard of beauty at the time. In fact Rubens penchant for that particular body type coined a description that bears his name Rubenesque.
Fast forward to the 1920s and rail-thin Flappers were the standard of beauty. Additionally, the taste-setters and fashion mavens on Madison Avenue are ever vacillating between aesthetic extremes that range from “heroin-chic” to “preppie-girl-next-door.”
The point being that there’s no universal standard for external human appearances.
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However “true beauty,” is a lasting beauty that endures, improves over time and actually resides in the heart of anyone who believes in their own inner beauty—a beauty shaped by kindness, joy, tolerance, selflessness, humor, love, compassion … etc.
I would assert that true beauty is a condition of the heart, not the skin. True inner beauty resides in the heart of its holder—not the eye of the beholder.
Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.
~Saint Augustine—theologian
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My wife and I strive to nurture these concepts in the hearts of our daughters. Here are some of the points we constantly reinforce to them:
- Don’t fall into the trap of defining your worth by your outward appearance and physical attributes.
- Inner beauty is the only beauty that lasts.
- Don’t let false “beauty” standards established by society compel you to change and “measure up.”
- Celebrate your differences from others, that’s the spark of true beauty.
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Whether these messages take root or not within our girls will manifest over time as they head into their teen years, but we want to instill those ideas in them now.
The following quote hits the beauty bulls eye.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.
~Audrey Hepburn—actress
Interestingly, the preceding quote suggests that even though others may have defined Ms. Hepburn by her beauty, she herself did not let it be her defining value.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Erin, great point about educating boys as well. The focus of my piece was to help girls internalize for themselves a strong definition of beauty so that it doesn’t matter what an external “counter definition” might be – whether that comes from a scantily-clad media billboard or a teenage boy on their school bus. As far as engaging the conversation, I think the key is to normalize those conversations so they don’t come across as random—there are plenty “teachable” moments. When we’re watching a show as a family, it’s quite common for a commercial that objectifies women or sells a… Read more »
Geez..8th grade and she is drawing on her eyebrows..there is just so much pressure. Thanks for answering my quesitons.
I do understand your perspective around empowering your daughters through their own internalized messages and giving them the tools to combat outside messages. But, I still think it would be worthy to teach and encourage boys to hold the same message too. Our peers impact our experiences no matter how strong minded we may be.
Well said Erin!
Tor, how do you bring up those comments or conversations with your daughter? Is it after something they’ve seen media wise or just bring it up randomly? How do you start that converation? I really love this piece because I think it shows that men can have an impact on how their daughters or sons can value beauty. I know when I was a little girl, I was very sensitive to seeing how my Dad interacted with women other then my Mom. How he responded to them, why he responded that way….I can remember specific times when he got more… Read more »