The love a father shows his daughter has as strong an effect on her as the relationship he has with her mother
Editor’s note: this is the second in a series of letters excerpted from Shoebox Letters – Daughters to Dads, a collection of over 30 letters from daughters to their dads about the role that their dad has played in their life. Heartfelt storytelling told through the unique letter format, the book provides readers a rare, personal glimpse into the life between the writer and the father.
Hi Daddy,
I know I don’t always tell you how wonderful of a father you’ve been but hopefully you get that from the little things I try to do to make sure you know I love you. You have done an amazing job of not just being a father but fathering a daughter. You are more than merely the person who paid my tuition or reminded me that I “didn’t need that chump anyway” whenever one of my relationships ended. You are the man who set the standard for what I would accept from the men in my life and for that I am eternally grateful. I always knew our relationship was special but it wasn’t until I became a young woman, seriously dealing with men and establishing boundaries for how they would deal with me, that I really understood the magnitude of your importance in my life and in the development of my character.
I remember the point when I realized how important it was to have grown up with my father as the man in my life. It was around the time I was applying to business school and I had become really good friends with some really outstanding young women. From the looks of it, we were all cut from the same cloth‚ all bright, young, attractive (if I may say so myself 🙂 and headed into graduate programs at some of the country’s most prestigious institutions…Harvard, Northwestern, Duke…you name it. As time went by and we became closer friends I learned more about them and saw how they interacted with men and more importantly, how their interactions were affected by men. We were all looking for the same thing: someone to love us, someone to settle down with, and someone to call our own. The variable that became strikingly evident was what I called the “father factor.”
But Daddy, I have to tell you something. While you were an amazing father, you were a terrible husband and witnessing your disregard for my mother, your wife, has had an effect on me as well.
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I began to realize that while we all had our issues with the guys we dated, no one ever disrespected me or treated me as badly as they often treated my friends. This was because, as a result of my relationship with you, I knew the minimums a man needed to deliver and recognized when they weren’t being met. I always considered “if a man can’t do more for me than my daddy does then why put up with him.” So, when he wasn’t treating me like a lady I was okay saying “when.” This alone made my twenties much easier and less dramatic.
But Daddy, I have to tell you something. While you were an amazing father, you were a terrible husband and witnessing your disregard for my mother, your wife, has had an effect on me as well. As I have become older and am now considering marriage, I realize that I have subconsciously developed this overwhelming flight response when situations with the man I love are not ideal. It’s not because I don’t want to be his wife but because I don’t want to turn out like you‚ unfulfilled in my marriage but too afraid to be on my own to leave. People often say that women marry men like their fathers. I hope that’s true. What scares me to death is that the man I marry will be less like my father and more like my mothers’ husband. I know it seems contradictory to feel this way and I don’t know how to explain it much better than I have. On the one hand, because of you I have standards and boundaries. On the other hand, I lack patience and resolve.
So what do you do with this? Honestly, I just wanted you to know how your influence and your role in my decision making processes has evolved in a way I had not imagined. I don’t love you any less or think any less of you. It’s just interesting to understand the many different ways you have impacted my life. You are one man with many roles and I truly have always felt how important your role as a father is to you. I guess the real shocker is that I now also feel how unimportant your role of a husband may have been as well. Just something to think about.
I love you.
♦◊♦
From more on the Shoebox Letters and series editor Clay Brizendine, check out the foreword excerpted from the book and a Q&A here.
Here is the first letter, Daughter Praises Dad for Unconditional Love
—photo by nasrulekram/Flickr
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This letter in the end just feels judgmental because it’s written from someone who seems to feel she is “entitled”. The negative part of the letter where this woman describes her “disapproval” with how the father “treated” her mother is mind boggling. First of all, who the hell is she to act as if she has any clue as to how the dynamics by which an adult marriage/relationship was working? First of all she was just a child and wouldn’t know, nor should she know many of the finer details. How dare she act as if his “treatment” of her… Read more »
It sounds much like my experience with my Dad. A good Father in many ways, a hard worker, but not always a great husband. It is almost seems like men may offer their daughters a little more respect by nature of being a part of his body but not so much respect for women in general. Little girls keenly observe their father’s relationship with their mother. As I am sure little boys do. What makes a man a good father doesn’t always make him a good husband or vice versa.
Very heartfelt letter. I’m sure there are many women out there who feel this way about their fathers. I saw the letter as something written in the middle of a much longer, evolving process, so as a result it’s not the work of someone with a full perspective on her father, but more of a growing realization about some things. It’s getting there, but it’s not quite there yet. There’s still a bit of the idealization of dad and just starting to come to terms with the effect of one’s childhood on one’s life. But, in this view of dad,… Read more »
The way a man treats women generally will reflect his daughter’s experience of the world. Four days ago, my mother died. In the weeks before her death, my aunt reminded me of the secret will that she gave to us that leaves her entire half of the $million plus community estate to me. I was upset with my mother for not talking to my father about it. Initially, I was thinking of letting the whole thing go. Eventually, I started a plan to spend my summer off with my father helping him. Ultimately, today, I want to flee this house,… Read more »
I can only imagine how her father must feel receiving this letter. The glowing pride and contentment of a job well done and then the sadness or even guilt. it begs the question about whether it is best to stay together for the children. After all, if he would have left an unfulfilling marriage, would he have been around his daughter as much so that she could get the positive aspects from the father daughter relationship?
This piece reminds me of a song by Loudon Wainwright III, “Your Mother and I”….”and someday you’ll see…your mother and I are just people…and that’s all we can be….”
I would like to see more letters from “Daughters to Dads”…!
You got it, Leia. Check the links above for the Q&A with the editor of the Shoebox Letters and for the first letter. We’ll be posting one each Sunday through May, then keep the Dads & Daughters series open. Thanks for reading!
And here I thought this was gonna be an all inclusive “dad you’re a great guy” …. Ding ding ding, WRONG. 2/3 of what she wrote was about how he was this great dad but concluded that he failed as a husband. Wow, what a slap in the face. A relationship with a spouse is completely different then that of a child, male or female. Unfortunately, the dad who she wrote to is unable to give his perspective. Nor was there the benefit of knowing how he “disregarded” his wife. “Disregarded” is an interesting term in that it appears that… Read more »
“On the one hand, because of you I have standards and boundaries. On the other hand, I lack patience and resolve.” The heart of the piece, I believe.
As a daughter who her adores her own father, it is important too, to recognize that the men in our lives are not “superhuman” and above all: as human beings, if we share anything more, it is our loving relationships and the acceptance of each other’s shortcomings and flaws.
Thanks for sharing Clay & GMP!
Great reminder, Sarah, thank you. Who we are is as much because of our parents as it is our choices, if not moreso.