A reader turns to ‘Dear Dad’ for advice on her potential new relationship.
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I met an awesome man last spring and we had an instant connection and completely clicked right away. There was no nervousness at our first meeting and it’s like we knew each other in another life. After only a few weeks, we talked about how very strongly we felt for one another.
He’s a very honest man and has always been straight with me so I have no reason to doubt his feelings. We hung out one or two times a week for a couple of months and started having sex. We weren’t officially together, but neither one of us wanted to date or sleep with anyone else, so it was cool. One day, he told me he was not sure how he felt about his ex-girlfriend and that he can’t continue what we have until he figured out his feelings about her.
He has a 13-year-old daughter and I have a toddler son. I’ve met his daughter once and he’s spent 20 minutes or so around my boy, nothing more. I didn’t get to see him for a couple of weeks, but then I did and he told me he talked to his ex and they discussed trying to get back together. They hung out a bit and from the get-go she was 100% wanting to get back together. He told her he didn’t feel any romantic feelings for her at all and that was the end of that. He said he still wasn’t ready to continue with what we had as he just needed some time to get his emotional-self back on track.
We started hanging out again after a couple of weeks while he got himself back on track, and I let him take the lead and do what was comfortable for him. It was cool and we started having sex again, but I noticed that he’d get kind of distant a few days after we had sex. I told him I’d give him space because it seemed to “muddy his emotional waters” when we spent time together. He said it didn’t, but a few weeks later, he again told me he needed some time and space and wasn’t emotionally available right then. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him at all.
Now to my actual question: I’m giving him the time and space he asked for, aside from two well-spaced texts telling him I’m thinking of him, because he’s an amazing man and it is worth it for me to text him so he knows how I feel. I’m not going to be waiting four months down the road because I have more self-respect than that, but do you think I’m wasting my time now? I’m not ready to move on anyways so it’s not like I’m holding myself back from any opportunities. I just want an outside opinion on this possibly great relationship!
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Dear ‘Not Holding Back’,
I know what it is like to have an “instant connection” with someone. I’ve experienced it a few times – once leading to a long-term relationship; once leading to marriage; once leading to a ‘booty call’.
I think he was being perfectly upfront with you when he communicated that he needed time to sort things out – the first time! When he did the same thing the second time, and has played a bit of a disappearing act, it makes me suspect that you are not on his radar (and if you are it is probably a ‘booty call’ type of connection he is looking for). I am glad that you aren’t involving your children in this new relationship, because I think at best it is a question mark for both of you. Tread cautiously as you proceed down this path!
My advice is to not contact him again and see what happens. If he contacts you, do not make yourself so “completely available” to him. Make it clear that you have your own thing going on, and that you, quite frankly, deserve someone who is willing to put in a little effort. If he does pursue you, I would take it very slow and hold off on having sex for a bit – see if he flakes off again. If he does flake off, he needs to “something else” off, and you need to find another fish in the sea! Good luck to you!
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I don’t miss dating at all, not that I ever really engaged in any traditional “dating” rituals, even with my wife. If someone blew you off after having sex, how many strikes would you give him/her before they were “out?”
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photo: flickr/Vito Fun
Originally appeared on Dear Dad. Reprinted with permission.
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