The role of dad can take many forms, each equally important.
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I cringe from the couch as my wife tries to play some type of good guy/bad guy battle with my 4-year-old. It’s lacking character voices and held together with a paper-thin plot.
My wife is utterly amazing (like 5-kids-in-7-years amazing), but her “play” game is a weak point. I can only laugh as her eyes plead with me to take over. Surely, there’s no replacing mama. She’s our kids’ go-to parent most of the time for snuggles and butt wipes and lunch-making. Then of course, when someone gets hurt, there is but one wounded battle cry:
“Maaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa!”
However my kids deeply need me as well, just in different ways. And they need me in roles just as important as the first-string boo-boo kisser.
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Head Coach Dad–Great coaches instill confidence where there is doubt. They turn a weakness into strength and see opportunity in the midst of challenge. My kids deserve the same from me. As much as possible, I speak words of affirmation to build their confidence. Positive, specific praise not only shows love, but it also develops self-belief that they’ll draw on when dad isn’t around. Also, I’m careful to applaud the effort more than the outcome to encourage experimentation and risk, whether that’s after a soccer game or during homework. When my kids become too results-focused, they tend to miss the bigger lessons and avoid doing anything that might challenge them or heaven forbid, end in failure. Head coach dad also brings a little tough love. Whenever necessary, I drop a pre-game speech to reinforce expectations before game time:
No acting a fool up in here. Please, and thank you to the waitress. You drop a crumb; you clean it up before we leave. If you can’t get the job done, it’s you and me and a to-go box sitting back in this van. Now, let’s have some fun and enjoy a meal where we don’t have to do dishes!
I love their dreams, and I want do do everything I can to nurture their desires to be better.
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I also look for ways to help them grow as people. I love their dreams, and I want to do everything I can to nurture their desires to be better. One particular thing we do is come up with a monthly personal challenge. This could mean working on dribbling skills or simply working on finishing veggies at dinner. There’s no pressure to do it and no consequence for not doing it. But, when the kids provide updates at our weekly family meeting, it’s clear they’re developing self-efficacy.
Only-child Dad–Our kids want nothing more in the world than to spend one-on-one time with mom and dad. But with five kids under nine, attention is at a premium.
So, most days I’m intentional about carving out “papa time”- 15 minutes of one-on-one time with each child away from the rest of the crazies. Sometimes we get sweaty from soccer. Sometimes we simply go for a walk and talk about why bees are more awesome than caterpillars. It doesn’t matter what we do. It simply matters that they know I’m listening, that I care about the details of their funny little lives, and that there is nothing more important to me than me being their dad.
In these moments, I get to ask questions, listen to silly stories and see a bit deeper into a world that may be guarded in the busyness of our large family. I realize I need this time just as much as my kids need it.
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Mother Lover Dad–Although they may not appreciate it yet, my kids also need a dad who genuinely loves their mom. Our children see us dance together and kiss and joke and hug and laugh. They see us work through problems, coordinate schedules, and admit mistakes (well, at least dad admitting mistakes. Zing!
I also make it abundantly clear that Erin was my wife before she was there mom.
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I also make it abundantly clear that Erin was my wife before she was their mom. I will protect and cherish my wife at all costs. Thus, when one of the kids offers up some sassy-pants lip to Erin, I don’t hesitate to set them straight. I love you, son. But do not talk to my wife like that again.The exchange is always a bit stunning at first as they try to process the fact that I am not only “dad” but also Erin’s husband who intensely cares about her and will defend her.
Fun Dad–I relish the fun dad role because it’s an area where I’m legitimately superior to my wife, mainly because she’s too busy caring about our safety or organizing the utensil drawer or folding laundry. I utilize a dizzying array of storybook voices. Most of them are hybrid Christopher Walken or some rare Spanish-French accent. All of them are bad, but dangit if they don’t make for a more thrilling Goodnight Moon.
We also wrestle nearly every day. All my kids love to roughhouse, and I’m happy to oblige, ready with a new wrestling name every single time I enter the ring. Be warned if you’re ever at our house and hear “Captain PunchaBooty” calling you to the ring. I also try to connect learning with fun as much as possible. One time, this resulted in taking all of the kids to bingo at the local American Legion Hall. The old-timers were not amused. We had to leave after a premature “Bingo!” call from the 3-year-old nearly short-circuited all the pacemakers in the room. Maybe not a complete success, but we had fun.
On one glorious occasion, I pulled out my oldest son’s loose tooth with a javelin throw. It was awesome.
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Sometimes in the journey to build my kids into self-sufficient adults, what they need from me is to back off.
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Sidecar Dad–Sometimes in the journey to build my kids into self-sufficient adults, what they need from me is to back off. So if helicopter dad means hovering over every precious move, then I’m opting for sidecar dad. Sidecar dad allows his kid to drive the motorcycle, take wrong turns and tip over…all right by her side. I’m there to avoid major catastrophe should I see it coming, but mostly I’m along for the ride and to yell, “THIS IS AWESOME!” when her journeys lead us to the best adventures.
That’s why I frequently let my kids fail. I let them load the dishwasher ass-backwards. I let them fall off the monkey bars. I let them turn in homework that ain’t quite right. There’s no better way to nurture self-sufficiency.
That’s not to say I subscribe to the hands-off, Al Bundy school of dadding. I’m there with a hug after the monkey bar fall, and I’m there to talk about why the homework grade wasn’t what he hoped. There isn’t just one essential type of dad, but I picture Sidecar Dad as a combination of all of the dads riding together. Head Coach Dad gives the pep talk, Fun Dad is belting out a harrowing anthem, Only Child Dad is building trust and Mother Lover Dad has taught her to zoom past the boy calling her names.
Hence, I’m always up for the ride, but I’m sure to bring my helmet because boy can it get bumpy.
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Photo: Flikr/ Keoni Cabral