Will Henderson doesn’t agree that dads are the new moms; he’s pretty sure they’re the new dads.
Nightline, on Monday, June 18, featured the rising trend of stay-at-home dads, the number of which, based on the most-recent Census, tripled since 2000 up to 154,000. A nice, round number, 154,000. Easy to report and remember and link to the faces of families around the country where the primary caregiver (or, PCG, in my family) is the dad, as I am in my family.
Since quitting my job in February 2011, I’ve been the PCG for my children, Avery (four-and-a-half going on 14) and Aurora (18 months and still not walking on her own), while also taking on as much freelance work as I can get. Working, while raising children, who are not yet old enough to just put in front of the television (or iPad, in the case of my four-year-old, who is able to navigate around it better than I can), is an exercise in futility most days. I like to call my life Herculean, or maybe even Sisyphean, because getting the boulder up the hill one day (showers taken and teeth brushed and bedtimes met and no more than three outbursts combined between my children) makes doing it again the next day that much harder.
Something about kids behaving one day for every two days spent pushing every button—and then some—that I have.
“Daddy has to work?” Avery will ask, when he sees me sit in front of my computer (iMac, 27 inches, which is command central in my home), and I tell Avery that I have to work, but only until Aurora wakes up, because working while the baby sleeps is how I best manage to get done in a day what needs to be finished in a day. Or several days. Calendars on my refrigerator and e-mail reminders. Doctor’s appointments and eye exams and appointments at the dentist (two, mine and the one who sees the children) and when members of the kids’ family are coming to visit.
I took a nearly $20,000 pay cut to stay at home with my children, which worried me initially but which became my new normal. And on this side of my decision, more than one year later, I’ve realized that the amount of money I no longer make is just a number. I don’t think I’ve gone without something that I really wanted; I’ve just readjusted my priorities. (Remember, I’m a writer, so I wasn’t exactly rolling in it before deciding to stay at home).
My ex-wife can’t work from home. She’s a therapist of sorts, and is required to work from an office. Her concession has been to work Saturday and Sunday, which gives her two non-consecutive days off during the week, which gives me two days when I am not the PCG. Which means I can go places, like the grocery store, which is something of a gauntlet when my children are with me (Avery wants the cart that is attached to a car of sorts; Aurora has learned how to stand up, even when belted in—which means I’m waiting for the day when she takes a header into a shelf of cereal).
So while she’s worked, and not taken a pay cut, I’ve handled shots and potty training and birthday parties. I know that my daughter has thin veins, and that her doctor is only successful drawing blood out of her left arm (so no more finger sticks or attempts on the right arm, thank you very much). I’ve supervised swim lessons and pseudo sleepovers and sitting near the window in the living room waiting for mommy. From serving as the editor for a 20-plus member non-profit marketing team to watching Costco mailers for diaper and wipes coupons.
The dads interviewed for the Dateline special defended their decision to stay at home. These dads talked about in-laws who don’t understand (my in-laws which are my ex-in-laws never really liked me, so I’ve had more than 14 years to learn how not to internalize the things they say and think) and how they feel lucky and privileged to stay at home.
I’d like to say to these lucky and privileged dads that we shouldn’t have to defend, explain, or rationalize our separate decisions to stay at home and raise children. What no one tells you when you’re expecting is that raising a child—let alone children—is the hardest thing you can decide (accidentally or otherwise) to do.
But rewarding, which I’ve struggled to define some other way, because rewarding doesn’t begin to cover how happy I am that my daughter, when she was seven months old, could recognize my voice during a Facetime chat, or that my son calls me his best friend. Which is a much better answer to give, when I’m asked what I do. Best friend to my son and dragonslayer for my princess daughter.
Photo—*clairity*/Flickr
Now, what this family is doing makes sense to me. A couple cooperating, doing the best they can, together. Dad isn’t putting 100% of the pressure on mom to support the family financially. Moms already do the heavy lifting to have the babies. The very least we can do is carry a share of the financial load. However, I said it before, and will say it again and again, I don’t like and agree with the term primary parent or primary anything. Dads are dads, nothing more. Moms are moms, nothing more. Just because mom (or dad) leaves the house… Read more »
Can anyone come-up with even ONE job that is more important than Parenting? Do jobs EVER love-you back? I’ve seen far too many people walking out of the towers with a cardboard box of trade-off. When the door slams behind them, its a dramatically sad thing if they see life clearly at that point. Women get hit the hardest if they traded family for career, but men feel it too. There are various ways to provide for a child without parenting by proxy. Provision does not have to come in the form of money. You are doing an awesome thing… Read more »
No, I’ve never been loved back by a job, and each time my son says he loves me super-duper much and wants to cuddle, I know that I made the right decision.
A hearty AMEN. Dads are dads and those who adjust life to spend their lives structured around their kids are heroes in my book. My husband is a full time Dad and works from home… and I’m a full time mom and work from the same home… and to get to BOTH be there for everything from first steps to first times standing on surf boards (we have teens now) is AMAZING! Like Talon, we travel full-time as well, so life is always an adventure… today we’re headed to the beach in Thailand to kite surf… Keep doing what you’re… Read more »
Maybe when my kids are teens we can live that kind of nomadic life. I’d have to figure out what to do with all of our stuff, but the idea of living with little appeals.
Bravo from another full-time dad. My situation is a little different in that I’m a single dad, but I quit my job and left the State to travel the world indefinitely with my son. It has been one the absolute best decisions I have ever made.
I’d like to travel with the kids one day, and I think my son would be OK doing it–though I think he’d end up being carried for most of it–but the thought of taking two under-5s on a plane and then somewhere discourages me. At least for now.n