Writer Andrew S. Delfino writes an affectionate parody of the popular Harper’s Magazine Index.
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Harper’s Index for Parents
Average weight of a full-term American baby at birth: 7 pounds, 7.5 ounces
Average weight of a full-term Canadian baby at birth: 3.5 kilograms, eh?
Average number of diaper changes per day for a newborn: 13
Days in the first two years of a baby’s life: 730
Approximate number of diaper changes in a baby’s first two years of life: 4,298,764.
Number of Olympic-sized swimming pools that would be filled with toddler’s spilled drinks in a year: 2.3
Weight of an Australian black flying fox, the largest bat in the world: 1.6 pounds
Equivalent number of flying foxes in crumbs swept up each night from around the table: 2.1
Number of goldfish eaten yearly by the average American child: 456,208
Number of baby carrots eaten yearly by the average American child: 81.625
Percentage of elementary school almanacs that describe the size of a blue whale’s heart valves as “big enough for a baby to crawl through”: 90%
Rate of heart infections in blue whales when babies actually crawl through their hearts: 100%
Number of questions a toddler asks on an average day: 333
Number of those questions that are repeated questions her parents have already answered: 303
In Fall 2014, percentage of “catastrophic embarrassment episodes to junior high students” involved parents singing Taylor Swift songs in public: 64
Days spent in school by the time of high school graduation: 2,340
Average Total of Days spent at home because of snow or ice at the time of high school graduation: 54
Total number of days spent at home because of snow or ice at the time of high school graduation, as it feels to parents: 648
Number of Hours spent doing homework before high school graduation: 7,232
Number of Hours spent getting kids to do homework by parents before high school graduation: 14,464
Total number of eye rolls a parent receives from a child between the ages 0-35: ∞
Weight of birthday presents given to an average American child as weighed on Neptune: 132 pounds
Total number of times a parent taps the brake pedal that isn’t there in the passenger seat while teaching a child to drive: 4,213,909
Hours spent circling in community college parking lots while teaching a child to drive: 23.89
Average # of service calls to AAA per family for overheating engines in community college parking lots: 4.3
Number of kisses given to a child annually before the age of 13: 1289
Number of kisses given to a child annually after the age of 13: 184
Of those, percent given while the child is sleeping or can’t run away: 12.89%
Of those, percent given when the child wants something: 87.11%
Age an average American boy loses his virginity: 16.9
Age an average American girl loses her virginity: 17.4
Mean age an American doctor finishes his or her residency: 31.2
Minimum age the children of this list’s author will lose their virginity: 31.201
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Photo: Boston Public Library/Flickr