Scotty Schrier, a regular contributor to ‘The Good Men Project’, explores “the conversation no one else is having.”
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Yesterday, I came across a quote that spoke to me on so many levels: “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” – Louis C.K.
This speaks to so many issues today. I won’t go into all of them, but if you look at any situation where someone is protesting or speaking out about something, they are usually saying, “You are hurting me!” Are we listening? Are we deciding to help? Or, are we busy denying that we are hurting anyone?
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I shared a photo on my timeline on Facebook with that quote on it, and it sat for fourteen hours garnering likes and shares. I wasn’t surprised it was getting shared, because the quote resonates with people, right? I found that all of the likes and shares were from women. I also found one of the women who shared the photo also garnered likes on her page. Interestingly enough, the likes on her share were also all women.
It took fourteen hours before a man liked the image on my page. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I have no clue how Facebook’s algorithms work. I have no idea how many people actually saw the post as this was on my personal page where we are not privy to that information like we are on Facebook blog pages. It just seemed odd that the ‘likes’ and ‘shares’ were so disproportionately by women. Is this because women are just more empathetic than men, and therefore this quote rings truer for them?
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The debate still rages whether or not empathy is innate or taught. Most modern research is finding that it is actually a little bit of both. Empathy does have components that are innate, but someone’s life can veer them to be more or less empathetic to fellow human beings. I can buy that.
What would make someone more empathetic? Shared misery might do it. If you’re a guy, you’ve probably been kicked in the balls before. If you’re a dad, you’ve definitely been kicked in the balls before! Which is why when someone talks about getting a vasectomy, dudes tend to cringe a bit and express their sympathy for said dude who is getting his junk cut open. We can imagine our pain and then put ourselves in those shoes.
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What would make someone more empathetic? Shared misery might do it. If you’re a guy, you’ve probably been kicked in the balls before. If you’re a dad, you’ve definitely been kicked in the balls before! Which is why when someone talks about getting a vasectomy, dudes tend to cringe a bit and express their sympathy for said dude who is getting his junk cut open. We can imagine our pain and then put ourselves in those shoes.
If you’re a woman, and you’ve had kids, watching a video of a child being born might make you cross your legs and grimace. If you breastfed and another mom talks about a teething child biting her nipple, you can probably almost feel that pain yourself. This shared pain forms a link between you and this other person, and it makes you feel for them.
Now, back to the quote: “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” Why were more women liking and sharing this than men? Why did this quote resonate with women? My guess is more women than men get told, “No, I didn’t hurt you” at some point in their lives by the people who just hurt them. In fact, this morning I apologized to my wife, because I know for a fact that I’ve done exactly that. I know that in the past I’ve said something that, for some reason beyond my manly understanding, she took the wrong way and it hurt her feelings and I responded with something like “No, that didn’t! Cut the bullshit, there is no way that hurt your feelings!”
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One thing I’ve learned over the last few years of deciding it was time to actually have some of these hard conversations is this: if you come to a table to have a conversation about anything, you have to also be willing to admit that your viewpoint might not be 100% right. Otherwise, there’s no conversation. You’re just talking and expecting someone to listen to you and walk away with your viewpoint.
I’ve always thought of myself as a modern man with forward-thinking viewpoints. Yet, I can still go back and see how so many times I was just the same troglodyte as my forbearers, just in different animal skins. I am willing to sit at a table and say, “This is what I believe. I may be wrong; but, I may be right. I’m willing to learn. Let’s talk!” I usually find that most answers aren’t hanging out in the extremes. Rather, they are somewhere in the middle where compromise, respect, and if the stars are aligned, even empathy reside.
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Have you had any conversations no one else is having, lately? What was your takeaway? Did you give and take, or just take? Did you listen as much as you talked? Were you willing to accept a different outcome than you hoped for? Did you learn anything from it?
I’ve learned a lot recently, and it’s told me that I have more yet to learn. We’re getting there, everyone, but we’ve still got more work to do. At least, I know I do.
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Photo: Flickr/Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
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When I post stuff on a secret Facebook site for professional moms, I get immediate and empathetic responses….right away, other members show their support and echo my sentiments…. When I share painful feelings and difficulty with adjusting to life after my diagnosis with my support group, other women listen and are supportive…they are going through the same exact suffering… Sometimes when I share stories here, it may provoke varied responses (depending on who is responding)…sometimes it feels like my story is being invalidated or attacked if it shows any negative details…sometimes I feel like I can move forward when someone… Read more »
I like this article — it speaks so much to where I am these days and what’s coming up for me. I’m recently divorced, work at home father of 4 kids that I have most of the time. Friday during dinner, their mom called and said something that my oldest found objectionable. Each of my kids had a completely different view on the matter. Each had their own Truth — all which co-exist and which are not mutually exclusive of each other. I’ve been on a journey of personal growth and growing into the man that I’m supposed to be… Read more »
Thank you Scotty! This is something I think about all the time. When someone in my FB network posts a loss, emotional event, or crisis (lost a job, lost a loved one, had a baby), the women in my network, and others if you follow the comments, are the most empathetic & verbally supportive. The men might “Like” it here & there, but we aren’t verbal creatures. We network & support each other traditionally over a beer, or a sports game, where traditional male rituals can be observed & one can say stuff like “That F’ing Sucks, Man”. The words… Read more »
You’re ignoring the expectation that men should put themselves last when it comes to feelings – that men are perceived as the perpetrator every time and have no right to express that a woman has upset them. Doing so means losing social standing. Doing so means “not being a real man” and criticising a woman for anothing will always end up with petty recriminations thrown back in his face. Don’t believe me? Ask the average woman why any woman would cheat in a relationship and it will nearly always come back to being the man’s fault “she has needs that… Read more »
Women are probably more likely to share *anything* on Facebook, first off.
Secondly: “My guess is more women than men get told, “No, I didn’t hurt you” at some point in their lives by the people who just hurt them.”
People have to be able to say “you hurt me” first before anybody can say “No I didn’t.” back.