The reality of a newborn baby = screaming, crying, barfing, begging, pleading, and no sleeping.
Considering having a baby? Think babies are cute and just want to hold them all day long, do you? Like how they look in those Johnson & Johnson ads? Stop right there. I’m about to take you through one night with the Girl (who is now one week old). Before you decide to procreate and subject the world to your miserable offspring, read this. If you want to have children afterwards, more power to you—you’re batshit crazy, anyway. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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9:00 PM – “Time for bed!” I say to baby, who has been hanging out peacefully all day long and immediately knows that now is the time to start making the same noises a steam engine would make.
9:05 – Check baby’s diaper for shit. There is no shit. Feel a strange sense of disappointment, as if shit somehow would make things better. Feel around for baby piss. Smell finger for baby piss. Smells like baby piss. Wash hands thoroughly.
9:10 – Change baby’s diaper.
9:12 – Make formula.
9:15* – Start feeding baby. (*Note – during the entire feeding process, the baby is crying)
9:18 – Burp baby by holding her face down over my leg and smacking her on the back. They actually tell you to do this. The baby hates it. What a shock. She doesn’t burp. Consider giving her a Sprite, which makes everyone burp.
9:20 – Baby burps and throws up all over outfit. Change outfit.
9:30 – Resume feeding.
9:37 – Baby throws up all over new outfit. Begin writing letter to neighbors for when I leave the baby on their doorstep.
9:40 – Change outfit. Again. Fuck.
9:45 – Resume feeding. Cease caring that the baby is drooling all over herself and now looks like she’s been bitten by a feral wolverine.
9:47 – Feel immense shooting pain down back during feeding. Try to get baby’s head to hold still for the bottle, which involves clamping her head with my thumb and middle finger. There is no way any pediatrician would approve of what I’m currently doing. But screw them.
9:54* – Feeding is over. That was super fun, everybody!
9:59 – Change baby’s diaper. Again. Baby continues to cry. Become angry at my own penis for the first time since I got whiskydick that one time back in ’97.
10:02 – Baby keeps crying. Before I had a kid, I had always assumed that, while other’s people’s crying babies annoyed the shit out of me, I wouldn’t mind my own child’s crying as much. I was wrong. I was so wrong, I should be beaten to death with a kendo stick. My baby’s crying is just as head-splitting as any other random baby’s. You annoy me, baby. Cut it out.
10:05 – Dr. Harvey Karp, a noted pediatrician, wrote a book detailing the Five “S’s” that should help calm the baby down – Swaddling her, Shushing her, Swinging her, putting her on her Side or Stomach, and Swinging her. You must do all five of these at the same time in order, in just the right way, to get the baby to keep quiet. It’s like playing Zork, only more painful. I begin my attempt.
10:06 – Swaddle baby. Still crying.
10:08 – Shush baby. This keeps her quiet, unless I stop shushing her. Then she immediately begins to sound like a cat having its leg amputated.
10:10 – Place baby on her side and begin swinging her while shushing her. I need a glass of water. My water glass is downstairs. It may as well be in Kenya.
10:12 – Stick pacifier in baby’s mouth. Pediatricians recommend you not use pacifiers until the baby is a few weeks old. But screw them.
10:27 – Walk around, shushing baby, swinging her, and waiting for her to close her eyes and drift off into a heavenly, peaceful, deep sleep.
10:43 – Baby’s eyes are still wide open. The doctor at the hospital told us the labor process would all be worth it in the end. They tell you this for two reasons. One, so you forget what a crummy job they did at the hospital. And two, so you feel good about yourself for five minutes before the next 20 years occur.
10:52 – Baby’s eyes still wide open. Put her in bassinet anyway and hope she falls asleep on her own. No plan in history been more destined to fail. Not Custer. Not ‘Nam. Not even that Bette Midler sitcom.
10:56 – Get into bed and shut eyes tightly. Baby is still making little noises. She’s about to cry. I know it. I’m fucked.
10:58 – Baby makes a little gurgling sound. Is she choking? Have to check on her. She is not choking. Back in bed.
11:03 – Baby makes a slight cough. Possibly pneumonia. As long as she’s quiet about it, that’s fine with me.
11:06 – Baby again makes little tiny noises. She’s gonna cry again. Vow to self to never put penis in anything ever again.
11:08 – Baby, miraculously, stops making noises.
11:09 – Maybe because baby is dead.
11:10 – Check on baby. Is not dead. I will not be going to jail. Run back to bed.
11:11- Now would be a good time to sleep. Too bad my brain is cluttered with random bullshit that keeps me awake. Stuff like: “Hey brain, is there anything more disappointing than a bad orange? That’s a lotta work just for fruit!” My brain apparently talks like Jerry Seinfeld.
11:42 – 12:03AM – Sleep. Actual sleep. Holy fuckity fuck, I am asleep.
12:04 – Baby shrieks. I am no longer asleep.
12:07 – Turn on light, find baby’s head covered in her own vomit. Oh, shit. I AM going to jail.
12:10 – Call doctor. Turns out I’m feeding her too much and not burping her enough. I should also hold her upright for 15 minutes after a feeding. You saw how long it took to feed this thing. Now tack on 15 minutes to the end of it.
12:15 – End call with doctor. Relieved baby will not die. Realize doctors must get calls every five minutes during the night from retard parents like myself who have no idea what they’re doing. Am very glad I didn’t go to medical school.
12:16 – Hey, guess what? It’s feeding time for the baby again! Fucking sweet.
12:17 – And now, the best part of my night, handing the baby off to Mrs. Drew for her shift. Good luck, sweetheart.
12:17:01 – 2:59 – Sleep again. Am I really asleep? Holy shit, I’m asleep! I fucking love sleep! This is fantastic.
3:00 – Baby shrieks. Check clock. You mean I fell asleep? And now I can’t sleep anymore? But I was sleeping, god dammit! Well fuck you then, Jesus!
3:01 – Get up. Time for my shift.
3:02 – 6:44 – Repeat the events of 9PM to 11:42PM, only this time doing so with a massive erection from when I fell asleep. If you saw a grown man walking around a house carrying a baby with an enormous hardon, you might get the wrong impression. But you’d be mistaken. My penis, clearly, has no clue about what babies are, or even where they come from.
6:45 – Hand off, again, to Mrs. Drew. Glad Mrs. Drew exists. Seriously, if you’re a single parent, you are fucked for life. There’s just no other way to describe it. I got three hours of sleep during the night, and I’m ready to shoot people from a clock tower. You can’t possibly take care of a baby on your own and remain even remotely human. There’s just no way.
6:46 – 10AM – Sleep.
10:01 – Wake up somewhat refreshed. Go to play with baby. Baby falls asleep.
10:02 – Cry. Cry like a little bitch.
Originally appeared at Father Knows Shit.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin, NBC, Maxim and Kissing Suzy Kolber—a humor site dedicated to the NFL. The Postmortal, now out from Penguin, is his first novel. You can follow Drew on Twitter.
—Photo jessicafm/Flickr
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Well, this story seems to be common to new parents of both sexes. It certainly was that way for me. Personally, I admire the author and any man who is willing to participate in caring for newborns in that way. My ex-husband certainly never did because his career and his sleep were more important.
My kids are tweens now. All I can say is that the older they get, the more I like them. Babies are way overrated and there is no way in hell I would ever go through that again.
I thought this piece was hilarious! I remember my first night with my daughter. I can honestly tell you that I was thinking the same thing. Especially the fear that something has gone horribly wrong when thr baby is actually sleeping! Its a cruel joke life set us up for. If this article says terrible things about fathers who think these things…what does it say about mothers who also experience the same thoughts? I have tons of experience with small children but being on the hook for your own really ups the game. He comes across as sleep deprived, a… Read more »
On a site called The Good Men Project I found this article to be unhelpful and it only serves to build up the stereotype of the man who can’t handle and connect with his own children. Is there any other use for this article on this site? Humour you say? I’m not very inclined to give much slack to people using g a y as a slur as mr Magary does in his Blog subtitle as well as in several posts. I’m also not inclined to give much slack to people asserting that children with p e n i s… Read more »
That first night is frequently an extremely difficult one for both men and women. Women talk about this stuff as new mothers all the time. He isn’t saying he can’t hack it, he’s saying that caring for a newborn with twenty four hour needs is tough. He isn’t saying that only mothers can handle this, he’s there doing what needs to be done. Just because his language isn’t glowing with ribbons and rainbows on the glories of a new baby doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his baby. I strongly suspect he fight demons from hell to care for his… Read more »
my wife and I both have felt this way; especially with kid 1. By the time kid 3 rolls around you pretty much know what to expect and things don’t seem so drastic or impossible. My favorite night- week 1 with my eldest daughter. Completely unable to fall asleep and constant SCREAMING for hours. We thought she was horribly injured or deathly ill. We had called the doctor and were poring over babybooks at 2:00 a.m. when my wife figured it out; chocolate can send nursing babies into a tailspin. Our night of hell was due to a Hershey’s big… Read more »
For all those annoyed/insulted/disappointed/angered by this article, GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!! As a mother of three kids, whom I love without limits, I can say that even I spent at least ONE night with each living this experience. It is part of being a parent. And when you are a new parent with no or little experience with babies it is a hell of a wake-up call. Every new parent out there finds their worlds turned upside down by their new babies. And some handle it with humor, as Drew has. This article is in no way an indication of whether… Read more »
Kellen… Did you ever refer to one of your children as “a little bitch”? I have been that angry before with my own kids, but even I realize (as a very young parent, I’m only 20 with two toddlers) that when it comes to your job as a parent those kind of thoughts are not helpful (to you or your child). The only choice you have as a parent is to either accept, and enjoy your kids for the short time you have with them… or to call them “a little bitch” and hate every minute of your life. For… Read more »
For this to be humorous, it would first need to be funny. It’s not. It doesn’t even share a zip code with funny. What it does do, unfortunately, is play right into the same tired lame-ass stereotype of fatherhood being one incompetent stumble after another by well-meaning but clueless men. “The baby CRIES!…and PUKES!….and SHITS!…and I can’t SLEEP!…How will I COPE?” Ad nauseam. Kellen, you can be forgiven for not seeing this because your stereotypical expectations are in the opposite directions. You’re supposed to be able to nurse a kid while vacuuming with the other hand, teleconferencing via Bluetooth headset,… Read more »
Wow, pretty strong reactions to something that yes, is clearly semi-farcical and yes, pretty accurate…and new moms do often feel this way. It’s not about not loving a child, it’s about being wholly unprepared for raising your first child. No matter how many books you read nor parents you get advice from, when you’re thrust into it, it’s pretty damn alarming. But you accept it, because it’s just part of raising the CHILD YOU LOVE. I don ‘t have my own children, but I’ve had a hand (or much more) in raising a few…one from birth. Those first few weeks… Read more »
People forget that a baby is a baby. They are not aware of this so called “bed time”. Being a parent means growing a pair and realizing that you are no longer on your own schedule… you are on your baby’s schedule. I am a little alarmed by the way you (Drew) talk about the whole experience (everything from before your wife giving birth down to being given the opportunity to hold your child close, kiss her, and get know her). I think how you look at these moments and how you take them in, has a huge effect on… Read more »
I’ll give the editors of GMP a pass in that they probably looked at this and thought it was a funny in a FML way. The problem is that the author gives no indication that he is not a self-entitled irresponsible new parent who doesn’t realize he no longer comes first. And there are far too many awful dads on this planet already. Assuming the author is as he portrays himself: Yes, being a parent is hard. But if this is your definition of hell you need perspective. Maybe you should send that baby to someone who would give everything… Read more »
Read his blog and judge for yourself, it is linked at the end of this article.
If he valued his sleep over the needs of his child, he would have handed the baby back to mom and told her to deal with it.
I just took a straw poll of the 5 dads in our office (2 whose wives just had babies in August), and this account provides a pretty good snapshot of a dad’s night alone with a new baby. Sure he may not think those thoughts in a few months time, or even the next morning. But for those few hours when a dad (or a mum) is holding a baby for the first time with no backup, and trying to feed / not to break it, it’s a terrifying emotional rollercoaster ride of sheer terror. Most people just don’t admit… Read more »
Enjoy the ride. She’ll be in kindergarten in the blink of an eye, bugging you to take her to get her driver’s permit in two blinks. By the third blink, she’s off to college.
Why the hell would one publish this drivel which only serves to support the myth that men are woefully incapable of handling, taking care of and connecting emotionally with their own children?
What are you talking about? His experience has got nothing to do with any of that gender-feminist foolishness. He’s just a new parent. A mother could have just as well described her experience the same way.
Did you not note that, at the end, he went to play with his new baby. Sit down.
Sorry Eric, but Tamen has a point. This is another of those whiny “Oh My Fucking God, Babies Are So Hard!” that new parents seem destined to pen. Maybe he should have done a bit of research and polled his slightly older and more mature friends about what the first few weeks are like. Maybe he should have read a few books that describe that each child is different. Some sleep through the night, others are fussy. It’s a roll of the genetic dice, but parental mindset probably plays a part. If you’re an uptight aging hipster with an overwhelming… Read more »
I disagree. I am not a father, but I have lived with two babies, by youngest cousin and my godson. My cousin did not cry much, although he would… caw is the only word for it. Not a real cry, but a sort “Hey. HEY! I need some help here!” sound at all hours of the morning. My godson was a screamer, and he would fuss the moment he woke up, as he tried to fall asleep, and if you did not change or feed him fast enough. Fortunately, I did not have to much of anything as their parents… Read more »
So, if a new mother were to say the exact same thing, is she supporting the “myth that women are woefully incapable of handling, taking care of and connecting emotionally with their own children?”
Or, is she just an overwhelmed, new, first time parent? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.