Doug Zeigler hates to see families passive-aggressively punished for not fitting in the strict societal norms.
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Sitting on uncomfortable plastic chairs with my wife, we watch our youngest son sing a few songs, dance a bit. It’s his kindergarten graduation, and we’re laughing together at his cute little mannerisms and the way he wears his emotions on that face of his which so closely resembles mine. We snap a few pictures which we know won’t turn out great (as is the case with most pictures at these sorts of functions). We’re reveling in the moment, enjoying a stepping stone in our son’s life.
Then, the teacher begins to hand yellow carnations to each child. We know what this is for, and I can feel my wife’s demeanor deflate a bit. Our son is handed but one flower, and it’s not coming to Jill. It’s going to my ex-wife, who’s in attendance. He gets the flower and makes his way to my ex, and presents it to her and returns to his seat. I’m holding Jill’s hand and look over at her. She’s trying hard not to show how much it stings, and is doing an admirable job…but I know her, and I can almost feel what’s in her mind and heart; she feels like it’s being reinforced that she is his stepmother, not his “real mom”.
It’s not his fault that she didn’t get a flower. In fact, the flower isn’t important, just a symbol for how the school views what parents are. But I am left wondering: considering that approximately 50% of all marriages end up in divorce, surely we aren’t the only blended family in the school? I believe it would be beneficial to any child in this not-at-all-uncommon situation to be able to celebrate the occasion as a family, not to single one particular parent/caregiver role out over others.
This isn’t an uncommon occurrence either. My initial thought had been that it was simply this school’s archaic view of marriage. However, this happens in all schools, not just private religious ones like my sons attend. One only needs to look at events like father-daughter or mother-son dances and picnics to see the “one dad, one mom” paradigm at work. What about kids that don’t have one of their biological parents? Or kids that are adopted by single parents, their grandparents, or gay couples? They don’t fit the nuclear family mold, yet they (and their parents) are passive-aggressively punished for not conforming to that which is considered normal from a societal view, even though it is no longer the only measure for what a normal family is.
Now more than ever, it seems, our social constructs are evolving and changing. Some might see it as an affront to tradition and belief systems to accommodate all people who are parental figures in a kid’s life. If that child is cared for, loved, supported and buoyed up by more than just the standard husband-wife combo, that should be encouraged, not ostracized. I think we can all agree that the more love and support a kid has, the better off they will be, now and into their burgeoning futures.
While all this is swirling around in my head, our son gets his certificate. He then runs over to my wife, arms open wide, lips puckered up to give her the biggest kiss and hug that he can. In that one gesture, he made everything right. This little 6-year-old boy showed that love is not constrained by age-old ideals. Can’t we adults do the same?
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock