While I’m not happy about failing my family twice and leaving us homeless, I know I’m a better man from it.
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Here we were again — sifting through boxes and bags, dresser drawers and suitcases — looking for something we desperately needed. Sometimes we were searching for school supplies for our kids. Other times, it’d be a search for one of our kids’ special stuffed animals or toys.
Everything we owned that couldn’t fit in the trunks of our cars or the rooms, we stayed in.
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One time we were looking for a suit for me to wear to a job interview. We never found the suit, so a friend bought a suit for me from Goodwill that was about two sizes too big.
This search happened several times each week. Each week my wife and I, plus our three kids, would make the trek to our storage unit to search for items we needed for that particular day or week.
You see, we were homeless.
Everything we owned that couldn’t fit in the trunks of our cars or the rooms we stayed in — hotel rooms, friend’s basement, family guest bedrooms — had to go in storage. It was pretty depressing.
The worst part was this was the second time my family was homeless. Of all the failures that can happen to a man, failing to provide for his family has to be the worst. For that to happen twice — what was wrong with me? How could I let this happen again?
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My Manhood Was Challenged
As a man, my confidence was shattered. I was a shell of myself. I faked it as much as I could, but anytime I found myself alone, I was done for. I wanted to cry, and I did a few times.
It’s something we do as men. We bottle up the things that we don’t want to face. Some of us may look at crying as the opposite of manly, as men don’t show emotions like that. I think it’s the opposite. Facing the things that we aren’t comfortable with, or that make us vulnerable, or that we don’t understand, is more manly than not facing them.
But at first, I didn’t do it. I hid from it. I tried not to face it. But it never went away. The emotions were still there. The feeling of failure remained.
My Perspective Was Messed Up
One of the worst examples of this happened when we were making our home in the basement of some friend’s house. Their house has always been the gathering place. Friends and family are constantly visiting. One of the first nights we were there, I was laying on an air mattress in the basement and some mutual friends stopped by. Normally there would be greetings like hugs and fist bumps and just a lot of love. Not this time.
I felt like less of a man, and I projected those feelings on everyone else.
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I felt I couldn’t face anybody after failing so big that my family was homeless. So I stayed in the basement. Pretty much hiding out, like this would erase the facts we all knew. No matter how much my wife asked me to come up to just say “HI,” I couldn’t do it.
I refused to do it. I felt like less of a man, and I projected those feelings on everyone else. I felt they all looked at me like less of a man as well.
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A Perspective Change and Some Lessons Learned
What I learned later was not one person looked at me any differently. Not the friends who were visiting, not the family who allowed us to stay with them, and most importantly not my family. My kids thought it was cool, and staying there was like an extended family slumber party. When we stayed in hotels for two weeks, our kids felt we were on vacation.
As I slowly came out of my funk, and even more after we were able to get back on our feet and rent a home of our own, I learned a few things.
- It’s not as bad as it seems and it’s not usually permanent. Our homeless season was just that — a season. At some point, it would come to an end. So my entire life, my ability to provide had not been like this always and would not be in the future.
- The more I faced the hard things; the better things got. As I faced things head on, I began to be encouraged. First, I wasn’t judged, my friends and family had compassion and wanted to help. They didn’t want to condemn me.
- There is a bright side to everything. Five people sleeping in one bed isn’t ideal, but we spent a lot more time together. Driving to the storage unit to search for clothes, toys, and a suit is something I never imagined happening. But many of those trips turned into treasure hunting trips. The joy our kids had when they found a “lost toy” was great.
- You gain an appreciation. The church we attend is across the street from one of the hotels we stayed in while homeless. When we leave church each Sunday, we view that hotel in a different light. It was hard and depressing calling a hotel home, but we remember going swimming there, eating pizza and watching movies. And we appreciate the home we currently live in.
- It makes you who you are. Failure is a part of many successful peoples’ stories. The failures and setbacks we have become the set up for the successes of our lives. Through it all, our marriage and family remained together. Today, we speak about it, and I shared stories in the book I wrote. The things we did, the marriage principles we practiced helped us and molded and shaped me into who I am today.
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While I’m not happy about failing my family twice and leaving us homeless, I know I’m a better man from it. But had I not faced the hard, uncomfortable, and embarrassment, I may still be hiding in the basement hoping it’d go away. When you face difficult situations don’t hide, face them, and become a better man in doing so.
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Photo: Flickr/ Nora Shalaby